I'm a Fucking idiot

[usedagain]

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

Oh dear, the cocklodger has shown up.

7amlien I think the same position would be taken if this was a woman. To contribute nothing for five years, push the other person in to debt whilst they leech off them and then claim cooking the odd meal is a fair contribute is pretty poor behaviour irrespective of gender.

7--what?!!

For now the front door is locked from the inside, chain on and key in the lock

Excellent news It might all feel surreal at the moment, but you're clearly moving forward with plans for yourself and the kids already - brilliantly well done

Very glad folk are being supportive, but not really surprised. Even though you believed he was fooling people about the business, etc, I've learned from experience that others see a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for

Have you looked on moneysaving expert, there's lots of ideas on there in how to manage your debt.

New year, new start !

Well done OP,you have done amazingly well and although you might not be able to see it you have come a very long way in a very short time.

With the debts and money situation I'd give your local CAB a ring,they're usually really good and they're help is free,they usually have lawyers working within they're organizations as well.They can help you work out what your responsible for paying back and what you won't be expected to pay back but that the cocklodger will be expected to pay back.They can also get in contact (with the places that you have any debts with) on your behalf.

Just thought with the door lock change do you have house insurance?If so have a look at your policy and see if your insurance would cover some of the cost of getting any locks changed.It may sway in your favour being as you've had to have Police involvement because of him

7 man hating,NO! Useless fucking user haters,Yes.

Surprising that really isn't it.

My husband is a man,big surprise there,he's also a Police Officer and he and all of his male colleagues detest men like the one the poster is talking about!

Most of the responses are typical default position man hating mumsnet type advice

Hi 7amliein.

It is right that people on mumsnet hate men - the sorts of men that are hated are those that abuse their partners. Otherwise, most people on mumsnet love men. Decent men, who treat their partners as equals. Also, they hate women who abuse their partners and love other women who treat their partners like equals. HTH.

7amlien if you pm me your address I'll pass it on. He can come and live off you until his plans work out. If you have kids though be a bit careful - he can be a bit of a illy...

magoria thank you for the offer !!! For now there is plenty to clean here

On a serious note, I made a mistake not paying £95 . I took the dog out - later than usual. I deliberately did not tell the kids to refuse him entry as I knew he would kick off and the eldest is 17 - he has aspergers and I really didn't think it was fair to let him / them deal with that.

He came back while I was out.

In my tidying of 'our' bedroom I have put most of his clothes in bags. I will clean the ensuite now and put all this toiletries etc out too. I am not keen on a huge scene right now - interestingly him being here again has reinforced how wrong all this is... And how much I want him to go.

But if I do something that feels " mean" I will end up reproaching myself and possibly weaken ... One cross word / aggressive action and I will act though . I promise this to myself.

The kids can't help financially - the eldest is 17 with special needs ( mild) and is at college - the others are 15, 13 and almost 11 - but they can and do help with chores / housework / walking the dog / shopping etc ...

For me I have spent some time on the Motley Fool boards and on the debt repayment boards here. In terms of organisation of the debt I think it's pretty good - it's all on 0 % / with one low interest rate personal loan that is paid over a very long time. This is the only reason I can afford the repayments. When the deals end - if I could not refinance at 0% I would be insolvent. So I need to work hard NOW to clear as much as possible as fast as I can, before the deals end . First one in October 16 .... So it's about budgeting , not wasting money and looking at everything I pay out to see if it can be reduced ....

Meal planning is a big one
Dog walker may need to go / cut down and a rota for me / kids to walk dog in the early morning / evening
Cleaner reduced hours
Stop paying for house alarm
His stuff obviously - car tax, insurance, AA, office rent, general stuff - hair cuts etc
Can reduce sky bill I think
Have used uswitch and have a cheaper energy bill fixed for a year - (last month)
Tell council as soon as he is out and reduce council tax bill
Look at what I can eBay

Sorry I am so verbose. I have just taken my head out of the sand and realised what will happen if I have not made inroads in to the debt when the deals end ....

Christ what a fool I have been

Have reported the 7 poster and a Seven poster on another thread, so MNHQ will have a look soon I hope.

To be fair, this bloke has only taken what's been offered/given/what he can get away with.

He's taken and taken, schmoozed and said what he has had to to get his lifestyle funded.

The ire has come when the gravy train has hit the buffers and he's defended his entitlement and thrown up his hands

His golden pathway has come to a dead end. The op's patience has worn out.

He has only got himself to blame, but I dare say that this has all come as a grinding shock to him

used love, I know you feel foolish, but you thought you were in it together, he let you down.

Perhaps there were clues there that you overlooked, perhaps you didn't think you were worth better, but you are and you will get there in time.

Main thing is to deal with this in a way you are comfortable with and can live with.

I hope he gone again.

Take any of his stuff to his office, so he has no reason to come back again.

Is he back and staying?

Tell the council immediately because he is gone, isn't he?

You really can't afford to drag your heels now whether that makes you feel mean or not.

I know it's shit and you're doing brilliantly but would you rather be mean or insolvent?

How long did you give him when you first said he could have some time to get sorted?

If you didn't put a number/date on it and he's now back, it's time to give him a deadline to focus his efforts.

And in the meantime, even while he's there, don't do anything for him or pay for anything and I'd go about hiding/securing (maybe pass on to a friend you trust) any important paperwork or valuables that he might take with him when he finally goes. His gravy train has come to a stop and yes, it's a massive shock, so there's no idea how messy it might get/how angry he might become when he realises that his time is truly up.

Hi Used, so he's now back, when will he be leaving for good?

I'm reading your posts and shaking my damn head at you. How are you allowing all this madness to carry on?

When will your children become your primary concern?
When will you kick this man that has treated your children horribly out?
Why do you care that he has no where to go? He's not your responsibility, your children are!

You've allowed him to treat them horribly, you've allowed him to use you......You really need to start setting clear boundaries and not allow this man to come and go as he pleases.

I thought he had gone?!

How are you going to get home out now he knows you're trying to get him to leave???

Has he gone again yet op ?

Theres a big difference between someone being at home setting up a new business from home and a) helping the person who is taking on the financial burden by treating them with respect, being house-proud, speaking nicely to the kids and appreciating that your partner has the responsibility of paying the bills while you try and make yr dreams come true by having a successful business. And b) being nasty to kids, doing nothing around the house.

hissy you are right, he has only taken what was available - he has not 'stolen' from me. However I have been telling him since 2012 that I was in debt and that we could not continue like this. He has chosen to placate me, ignore me , make minor temporary alterations and just carry on.

I agree that some of this my fault. I should never have allowed it to continue for so long. I have also continued to fund the lifestyle I set up for myself and my kids ( that I AM able to afford by myself ) nothing extravagant but a weeks holiday in the Summer, clubs for the kids , dinner out with them once a month - and they eat a LOT - haircuts for me ; I should have stopped these luxuries maybe ...

To clarify about the kids - he is often good with them. Especially the younger - but not always. They are teenaged boys who have a druggie for a father - they are, at times, difficult. I have found it hard to be confident where the line between normal adult ' boundaries' / discipline and "horrible" sits...

I am most angry with him for refusing to listen to me until it became this desperate. For ignoring my advice about how he is simply not working hard enough to make any self employment work. For assuming I am 'nagging' when I tell him that his previous pattern of behaviour would guarantee there would be no income. For disrespecting my anxiety and actually fucking good business ethic / work ethic until I have to end the relationship as the Only way to make him wake up and smell the coffee.

I don't believe he actually set out to 'use' me. Not actually sat down and rubbed his hands thinking ' I'm onto a good thing here with used, let me see how much I can get for myself', but a combination of laziness, arrogance, complacency and entitlement has meant that's where we ended up. Coupled with a kind woman with not great boundaries and poor self esteem.

What a mess.

He has gone to stay with a friend. For now anyway. I gave him 2 weeks, on the understanding that any aggression / difficulties will mean I call the cops and he is out. I have changed all the computer passwords, my bank PINs and cancelled the credit card on which he had an additional card. I don't think he would ' steal' from me, but I would rather not take any chances.

Please don't beat yourself up, your only crime was trusting someone who proved not to be worthy of it. We all make mistakes, and the main thing is to try to stop the damage being done when you realise what is going on and starting to put things right.

You're a good woman, a trusting and kind soul, hard working and responsible. Had the tax bill not come in, I dare say things would have rumbled on longer. I'd say call HMRC and get that sorted first and foremost and then take things step by step. At least if you are self employed you may be able to work to earn more money and get things back on a more even keel.

My ex has buggered about with money and as a result I got myself into debt and am struggling to manage it. No one to blame really but myself. Not many options to increase incoming money either...

Op, I would hide your valuables as well (laptops, ipads, jewellery etc). Hide the mobile he thinks is his!

He may not have stolen from you before but he may feel he has nothing to lose now.

So he has 2 weeks to move out all his stuff?

What has his reaction been throughout all this? Affronted, guilty, defiant or sheepish, etc?

Thing is, feeling angry will get you out of the relationship, which does have to happen, for a number of reasons, but being calm and calculated is what will get you back on top. You'll get there.

I don't understand the two weeks thing if he's at his friend's?