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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a Fucking idiot

209 replies

usedagain · 30/12/2015 23:56

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 01/01/2016 18:30

I don't understand why you have given him 2 weeks.
He could stay at his mates.
Hell he could even stay at the office. And that could give him the motivation to actually make some money, which he is going to need to fund his lifestyle.

Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 18:46

He can't stay at friends for more than a day or two, their house is tiny and there is no spare space.

In answer to someone who asked 'how he is" the first night he was truculent and bolshy; when I actually called the police , and they came, and they told him that he had no legal right to remain in the property, he was chastened but a bit sulky. Today he is shaken, sad and as far as I can judge , has realised for the first time that I'm not joking, and that as of right now things have to change.

I.e. He has NO money. None . Not 50p to his name, I will give him nothing, so he will have to walk everywhere (- his car has a flat and I am not repairing it - ) he can't go to the pub unless someone else stands his drinks, he can't take his mate a bottle to say thanks, he can't have his hair cut, buy milk for the office , nothing . This gives me no pleasure, but it IS reality. So he will need to either sign on, borrow from someone else or sell something he owns in order to live ...

He says he has made mistakes, that it is all his fault. He admits to being arrogant and selfish. He says he values me more than anything, and that he really regrets his behaviour has caused the breakdown of my our relationship. I kind of believe him, right now at least, but it's too late. I don't trust him any longer and I need to look after myself and my kids. I have told him literally hundreds of times that I cannot continue like this, and he chose to ignore me. So, it's broken, and it cannot be unbroken. I will never trust him again.

It has become clear to me that I can only rely on myself. I am resourceful and I work hard, I have good friends and family. I will get out of this mess - it will take about 5 years I think if there are no disasters along the way (eg blown up boiler / car) and there may be other opportunities that arise in that time to help me along. But I need to take charge now, I need to budget like crazy and I need to make the decisions.

I'm kind of sorry for him - he could have lived here free and just made enough to support himself - beer, office, own stuff - but now he will need to find accommodation, bills, food council tax etc as well as self supporting. But that's not my problem ... I never expected him to support me or the kids , I have never been supported by anyone since I was 18 ( I'm 51 now)

Anger is good, but cool and self contained and focussed is what I need now. Lists of who to call, what to do. Detailed budgets, detailed plans over the next few days / weeks ... No one else will dig me out if this....

Feeling stupid is ok for a bit... But I need control more than I need anger ...

You guys have been amazing - thank you - it's not over yet and I know it will be hard in the future but knowing that I am not being unreasonable (by MN standards) helps so much !

Flowers to you all

Used X ( might change to 'usedforthelasttime'

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 01/01/2016 18:47

If this behaviour from him isn't planned and habitual, why was his car when you met him totally financed at the expense of a previous girlfriend?

sleeponeday · 01/01/2016 18:50

X post. Good luck, OP, and try to hold out. He is going to try everything he can to get his feet back under your table, I'm afraid.

Flowers I hope you have a good New Year.

Leelu6 · 01/01/2016 18:54

I bet he's shaken and sad, the gravy train has ended! Are you paying his car insurance? I would cancel that too.

Don't feel sorry for him OP, that kind fall on their feet, they always do.

Hope he's gone soon so you can put it all behind you.

You go right ahead and change that name! :)

Bogeyface · 01/01/2016 19:02

Dont feel too sorry for him, I fully expect that he will be sponging off someone else before January is out.

As sleep pointed out, he came to you with a car paid for by his ex, this is not a mistake. A mistake is where you learn what not to do and make sure you dont do it again. This is a man who believes that his life is for him to enjoy and womens lives are to pay for it.

magoria · 01/01/2016 19:08

Perhaps as he cannot afford it, he would agree to sell the car and give you at least half the proceeds to help you out? All would be better but he does need to sort himself out.

You are a very generous person. It is clear you take no pleasure in this and think 'if only'.

DP and I have a similar arrangement. He moved in to save paying London rent so that he can save for a deposit, doesn't contribute to my mortgage but pays bill etc and we both save.

You have your head screwed on and can get there Flowers

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2016 19:08

I don't understand what will be different in two weeks? Why will he be able to leave in two weeks time but not now?

He hasn't got any money and he won't in two weeks

Can he live in the office? Though that soon will go as you won't be funding the rent, but for now he could kip there?

magoria · 01/01/2016 19:09

Try asking him this while he is still regretful and see what answer you get.

mix56 · 01/01/2016 19:24

just beware that his sad, sorrowful, remorseful role doesn't get you by your girl's heart & you let him stay. Remember he can always get a sleeping bag & sleep at the office until the end of the month when he gets called re unpaid rent.
You do NOT need to give him 2 weeks. he also has a car he can sell !

Letseatgrandma · 01/01/2016 19:55

He was living in a mates flat and driving a car his ex bought him when you met? Sounds like he's always been a freeloader?!

Not that it's your problem, but as you've said-he hasn't got enough money to buy milk/a drink, his mate won't put him up, car has a flat tyre etc, where do you think he will go and how will he eat? Has he got family who'd have him to live? Would he go to a refuge? Do you worry that he just won't go!

I bet he's absolutely shitting himself now he's realised the funds are being cut off.

mix56 · 01/01/2016 20:06

He probably has stashed some cash anyway.

sleeponeday · 01/01/2016 20:17

He has equipment the OP paid for worth thousands, and a car. He is not penniless, although all of it was paid for by the paid labour of others.

Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 21:13

sleeponeday you are absolutely right, he has a car worth £5 k and at least the same in office equipment. Not my issue what he does now. I will not be giving him one penny.

I don't think I will change my mind. My perception of him has shifted from a 'partner' to a child. I feel like his mother , he is not some one I could rely on, rather he leans on me ... I think this is irreversible. It's like my eyes have opened. I don't need to hurt him to make my point, I just know it's over because I no longer have any respect for him...

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 01/01/2016 21:30

If things are that desperate, why do you think he'll have somewhere to live in two weeks?

You have to stop feeling responsible for him. It's very telling that he's only remorseful now that you've ended it!

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 01/01/2016 22:51

So he will need to either sign on, borrow from someone else or sell something he owns in order to live ...not your concern

He admits to being arrogant and selfish. listen to the man and don't even consider taking back a person that admits to being arrogant and selfish, more fool you if you take him back

I need to look after myself and my kids this and only this should be your concern

But I need to take charge now Yes you do and yes you can

I'm kind of sorry for him - he could have lived here free and just made enough to support himself so you were willing to continue to teach your children that being a free-loading-cockloadger-horrible-arrogant-selfish-twat was OK? OP please raise your expectations and learn what constitutes a healthy, supportive, equal, loving respectful relationship and live by example to your children and never allow any man to do this to you or your children ever again

I never expected him to support me or the kids , I have never been supported by anyone since I was 18 ( I'm 51 now) you were fine before him and you will be fine after him

This guy needs to leave asap but not in two weeks!

Are you still having the locks changed?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2016 22:57

Everyone in this world at one time or another has to face the fact that he/she is going to have to pay their own way. Guess what, today is that day for him. He's avoided it for quite a long time, but the day of reckoning is here.

If he'd been a good partner, if he'd held up his end of the 'bargain' you wouldn't be doing this. If he'd been a contributing member of the household, done his proportionate share of domestic duties and childcare, if he'd lived within the family's 'means', if he'd really worked hard at his business or realized when it was time to give it up and get a job, things might be different.

But he didn't. He took advantage of you, emotionally and financially. He's been living the life of Riley while you were slaving away and doing it all.

Feel sorry for him? Not me! And you shouldn't, either. He's brought it all on himself!

CharleyDavidson · 01/01/2016 22:57

Just keep reminding yourself that of the straw that broke the camel's back in the first place. I can't believe he was happy to be completely funded without even making any effort to properly work or even pull his weight at home.

(Yes I can, actually, he reminds me of a relative (female) who refused to work beyond a token gesture for spending money, slept the day away so did nothing in the house and otherwise just mooched around without applying for 'proper' jobs despite having relevant qualifications who demanded to know why she had to work after all, her mother never had, when it was brought up in an argument with her husband, who was covering all costs. He left the marriage and now she is living with a parent, still not applying for work or paying her way in any way shape or form).

He's not going to change his ways, but beware major sulking/empty apologies/promising to change and even making a token gesture for a while before reverting to type.

I hope that within the 2 weeks time, this has resolved itself in your favour and that he's no longer living off you.

Original poster
usedagain · 01/01/2016 23:40

The rage is back. Why why why at night when I need to sleep. I am incandescent again. Raging and I just want to punch his fucKing head in. Am I actually raging at myself. ?

I can think of nothing else , can't relax, can't sit still. Feel like screaming. I have nothing that can help me sleep, nothing to do except lie awake all night AGAIN raging ...

I ran today with the dog to try and tire myself out. I was tired and now I'm furious again. If he was here I would scream at him.

I also feel like crying crying crying

fFS

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 00:11

That'll happen. Just as we try to quiet our minds, those thoughts we don't want to think will not be suppressed!

I deal with it in one of two ways. Either distract my mind with memorized poetry, multiplication tables, or other things I have to concentrate on to recite or I just give up and get up and do something physical that will show a 'result' like clean a cupboard or the floor.

PS I previously posted as ImtheChristmasCarcass. My festive name change has gone back in the box along with the other holiday paraphernalia.

Hissy · 02/01/2016 00:13

I think it's the powerlessness of nighttime that raises our blood temperature.

Feel the anger, understand it and pick it apart and let it go.

It will get easier, but you are entitled to that anger.

TouchingToes · 02/01/2016 05:29

Would you get a neck & shoulder massage, take a long bath and a sleeping pill? I know it may sound a bit lame but I'm a long timer of sleep issues and this usually works for me. Because you could really do with a break from it all.

Btw I think you are doing great, you have already made a huge amount of changes, there's no stopping you now...

Original poster
usedagain · 02/01/2016 07:09

It's a bad night when you hear the Radio 4 shipping forecast twice in one night,

If I had any sleeping tablets I would take in a heartbeat. Sadly I don't

Still, kids are going to see their Dad and paternal grandmother today, I am going to walk the dog with my BF and then I am going to get a new lock so that I have it, and then I am going to paint and try to let go of the anger.

I will make some soup, make some lists , but try to have a restful day

OP posts:
TouchingToes · 02/01/2016 07:45

Good plan used - hope it goes your way today.

mix56 · 02/01/2016 09:00

Sorry that your mind went into overdrive in the night, (maybe try & have a short snooze this afternoon put some rubbish film on & lie on the sofa, it should do the job !)
I also was thinking how you paid a dog walker, cleaner, PAINT,& he was at home playing on the computer. Not only was he not trying to work, not even attempting to participate, but not even trying to alleviate the extra costs that you were paying by walking the dog, or doing some cleaning .....
Retract the 2 weeks, say actually you have realised he does have somewhere he can go, his car/office. Enough.