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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a Fucking idiot

209 replies

usedagain · 30/12/2015 23:56

For five fucking years I have supported my "partner" trying to run his own business, he has earned NOTHING in this time. I am in debt now +++ and the cunt tells me that he "thinks the distribution of finances is fair" . I pay all the bills , every single fucking thing for him including my own fucking birthday presents and he thinks this is FAIR.?.

I have been so so so stupid and used.

And now he won't fucking leave MY house.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 31/12/2015 09:08

I would tell him that effective immediately you won't be transferring any money for rent or anything else.

Sell the phone. It's better to tie up loose ends.

Tell him he has the weekend to pack up his shit and tell him that if he wants his equipment he'll be able to buy it when you put it up for sale.

Thankgodforthat · 31/12/2015 09:08

What is his view of his business that hasn't earnt him anything in five years?

calzone · 31/12/2015 09:17

How are things today? Has he any idea what is about to happen?

Roomba · 31/12/2015 09:20

Been there, done that... then I was made redundant with no redundancy pay (as my employer claimed that as they are 'the crown' they don't have to pay - judicial review pending!). And i just stopped paying for anything, doing anything for him, sleeping with him... he announced he was moving out a few weeks later! Astonishingly, he then within a few days met a well paid old 'friend' of his and he is now married to her, lucky girl Grin. Still earning nothing from his 'businesses'.

Just stop forking out. You'll soon see how fair he finds it when it is his turn to keep everyone.

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 09:24

OP so sorry you've had to put up with this shit but glad you've now had a moment of clarity.

Regarding the phone you've got two options.

  1. Call the network and ask them to buy out of the contract. It sounds like you've already asked about this and found it will cost £300. If that is less than the monthly cost from now til October when the contract ends, take the buyout. You can then sell the handset.
  2. Ask your network provider for a new number to be assigned and wait to receive a new sim card, then give the phone to one of your DC. This means you'll continue paying the monthly bill and any charges outside the existing plan. If you are currently paying PAYG or a monthly bill for your DC that is higher than the bill for your STBXP's phone, then this could be the most economic option.

Anything that you can show a receipt for or other proof of payment (e.g. debit card payment to the supplier) I would sell. Recoup anything you can at this stage because you are never going to get a penny out of him via the courts - undoubtedly they would find in your favour, but if he hasn't got a pot to piss in, it's pointless. So claw back anything you can now.

It sounds like he has left you in dire financial straits with absolutely no compunction on his part. What an utter cunt.

Out of interest, is his "business" concerned with internet marketing/"coaching"/MLM?

Roomba · 31/12/2015 09:26

Oh, my cocklodger claimed to be a SAHP who was running several businesses. Whereas I was working FT, our child was in nursery FT, and his contribution was to walk him to nursery each day. I did everything else when I got in. But to listen to him, he was the busiest, most put upon man in the UK. Who strangely never made a penny profit despite all the hours of watching porn working he did.

Not the same thing at all!

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 10:43

I loved him. I can't really say more, because don't know 'why' I loved him. I just did and. Wanted to help. Of course when I met him he never said that the place he was living was actually ' borrowed"' for free whilst a friend was waiting to sell it ! the expensive car he was driving had been taxed and instead by a previous girlfriend, etc. Of course I realised quite quickly that he didn't have much money, but I believed him when he said he wanted to pay his way.

He got the office 2 years ago because he "couldn't work from home".

I have been very worried about money for years, it's not ALL his fault - I am not great with money and have overspent - but he always said he was desperate to Make money and always pretended that he knew I was doing a lot.

The SAHP is completely different. My sister didn't work (putside the home fir money) for 10 years and her husband supported her. She did however raise 4 kids, cook, clean, wash, iron, shop, arrange everything socially and contribute in an equal way to their family.

This cunt does fuck all. He (almost) never gets up in the morning, I do the kids and then go to work, he lies in till 10 has a shower, plays on his iPad, makes some lunch - leaves the dishes, 'digests' his lunch and considers if he needs to go to the office. No deadlines, no structure, no plan, no order, no discipline. And no income.

The crunch was when I said that Could not / would not pay any more this was in July, I tried to explain that he could get a PT job ( say 20 hours) and fund the business from this. His response " that he does not want to". We have muddled through for 6 months, me increasingly anxious and him increasly truculent.

The week before Christmas I had a tax bill that was £16k higher that the money I had saved for it ( I am also self employed) ...this tips the debt from "scary but manageable" to unmanageable.

Eventually after almost 2 weeks of extreme stress I managed a short discussion with him. This is when I learned that he has no intention of paying his way, because he basically doesn't think he should have to.

I love him still. He feels like my soul mate, but this must be false because a soul mate would not behave like this.

He is horrid a lot of the Time to my kids.

I will miss him hugely , I guess I have done time to think about why that should be, because this is too much for even me.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 31/12/2015 10:49

Horrid to your kids?! What the hell OP. Change the fucking locks and cut him off.

CallieTorres · 31/12/2015 10:57

I love him still. He feels like my soul mate, but this must be false because a soul mate would not behave like this.

this is what stood out for me in your post, that and the horrid to your kids. when you are feeling weak, re-read this thread

lorelei9 · 31/12/2015 11:08

Did you love him or were you infatuated, or just wanted a partner? Love is pretty meaningless really, it's still not to be confused with money.

Whatever you do in future - and think long and hard about why you ended up in this situation - remember, everyone gets over relationships. But few of us can recover financial loss, maybe if you're a trader or merchant banker. But if you're average like me, lost money can't be regained and that's a real tragedy. If you have to be angry for life to learn that then stay angry.

HolgerDanske · 31/12/2015 11:10

He is horrid to your children. That in itself means he cannot be, never was, and never will be your soul mate.

Keep that anger going until he's out of the house.

And never, ever let him back in.

Flowers for you. Heartbreak is horrendous, but you will make it through.

gamerchick · 31/12/2015 11:18

I hope you've hoofed him out now? If he can from the sounds of it will hang on until he has someone lined up to take over from you. Kick the bastard out.

DoreenLethal · 31/12/2015 11:22

He is not your soul mate - unless a soul mate now means piss taking free loading bastard.

Make sure you
a - change the locks
b - kick him out
c - CHANGE THE LOCKS

Hissy · 31/12/2015 11:23

He is mirroring to pretend to be your soul mate do you bank him.

You should have dumped him the minute he was horrid to your kids, but you know this.

Do what you have to do. End it.

You will need to keep paying the iPhone (a 6? Really? An unemployed man needed a 6? Think about it)

Change the number and see if someone can get some use out of it.

zippey · 31/12/2015 11:29

If you don't think you deserve better than this guy who leeches off you, surely your children deserve better than someone leeching off their mum and often being nasty to them. He sounds worse than like he contributes nothing to your life - he sounds like a negative influence.

You deserve better. Your children deserve a better role model than him.

Hissy · 31/12/2015 11:47

So you bank him, not do. Sorry.

magoria · 31/12/2015 11:47

Cancel any payments to his account today.

Original poster
usedagain · 31/12/2015 12:19

The police are here. He is not happy that I have taken his phone. They are clear it is my phone .

I'm still very very angry

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 12:22

Sorry - he has called the police because you have said he can't steal from you any more, and taken your own property back? And he is surprised the police have sided with you?

What an absolute prince of a man.

gamerchick · 31/12/2015 12:24

He called the police on you? Worra knob.

Well if they're there it's the perfect chance to get him out. Use it.

ExplodingCarrots · 31/12/2015 12:28

Wow. OP please use the police being there as an opportunity to chuck him out. He's losing control now and he doesn't like it.

Hissy · 31/12/2015 12:30

HE called the police? Xmas Shock

Wow! Just wow.

You're not a fucking idiot love. Not by a long shot.

But you would be to let him remain in your life knowing what you now recognise.

OTheHugeManatee · 31/12/2015 12:32

He needs to leave. Hope the tenancy/mortgage are in your name.

This waste of skin needs to be gone.

Groovee · 31/12/2015 12:44

Hoping you and your children can have a new start in 2016.

CharleyDavidson · 31/12/2015 12:45

Hope the police are being a help in your situation.