If your dp thought you wouldn't find out..

[Followyourart]

Do you think they would sleep with someone else, if they had the opportunity and we're sure you wouldn't find out?
Because I think that mine would, and I'm not sure what that days about my relationship....

Fairly sure mine wouldn't as he's not very confident about that stuff, he is quite moral about it and the guilt would eat him up.

There are times when I have thought that, if I knew that he wouldn't find out, I might but I think not now. Not proud of that but there you go.

It has caused harm, in my view, whether or not the other person knows this is the nub, Holger. It completely changes the basis and fabric of the relationship. The way the OP (the post), is worded massively oversimplifies the situation, because it isn't just "as long as they don't get caught".

So many times I read in the Relationships Board how there is a noticeable change in behaviour of the person being unfaithful. Nothing is every quite the same again.

Unless the person is an 'automon' (is that a word?) how can they possibly carry on as if nothing has happened (and let's put aside those fab swingers who are just soooo cool they enjoy watching each other doing it dangling off the chandeliers, sorry they don't count!). They will be affected in some form or another, by the experience. The fall out is either an offloading of guilt (by confessing), or trying to sweep it under the carpet, or leaving the relation.

It is rarely just a question of carrying on "business as usual". In some way, it will have a ripple effect on the value of their relationship.

HolgerDanske, I'm glad you said "In my view" there is no answer to it because it can't be objectively proved if harm has occurred if the person harmed is not aware of that harm.

Trust has been broken? the person in the dark may still of course completely trust, whilst the cheater also trusts the one left in the dark. So has trust really been broken?

People must have an opinion, because opinion is all there is to be had here

Its a little like any contract. We have laws, and we have means of investigation, and we have judges and juries. But, first we must trust that the person making a contract with us will uphold the conditions, then trust that fear of consequences impels their actions, and finally if all else fails the law will ensure they either have to, or that we have justice. So, we don't blindly trust, but we have to trust all the same. Ethics do not impel people to behave. Something else always stands in place of morals to ensure justice. We are naturally suspicious of the motives of others. But actually, a far healthier way to be is to blindly trust, if we all did this, it is actually more likely that morality would guide us. Game theory can be applied to this to try and prove that trust/faith would lead to better outcomes. But all people would have to trust, otherwise those that don't would be advantaged, and it tips the scales in favour of suspicion!

Anyway, I prefer trust. It makes my happier!

and in the process of "trying to sweep it under the carpet" and covering their 'breadcrumb trail' of emails, texts, geographic locations on their iPhone googlemaps account, they will invariably be using up energy that makes them look distracted, stressed and ... yes guilty as f*.

relationship

I think if two people who feel similarly about sex and relationships and who truly value each other and have a well-balanced relationship want to have casual goings-on outside of their union, as long as both truly agree and are both truly happy, I've got no problem with that at all. Just because I can't understand or relate doesn't mean it might not work for them. But I think the couples where it actually properly works and where both paryies are equally happy are few and far between. But that's a discussion for another day...

That was about swingers and similar, obviously.

Yes, it's the intimacy and emotional energy being diverted from home and love and family that is corrosive. Plus the fact that many, many times one or both of the cheating parties do fall in love (or infatuation). And in cases where it truly is just casual one night stands with no emotional attachments at all, there are very high risks in regards to health, whose potential for devastation of the unknowing partner is similarly corrosive albeit in a different way. It's such a betrayal, even if one manages to dodge the potential terrifying implications. Harm, again, whether the person knows it or not.

Trust has been broken in the eyes and mind of the cheater. Which will have a harmful effect on the overall relationship, unless you are living with someone who truly feels no guilt. In which case the cheating is probably the lesser of your problems.

Trust has been broken in the eyes and mind of the cheater

Yes, but in this hypothetical question trust is being defined as placing trust in someone outside of yourself.

The cheater may continue to trust the other person, whilst the one in the dark is also still trusting.

The cheater can't trust him/herself but of course will use all sorts of reasoning to try and mitigate this. "She/he should still trust me, they don't know and if they don't know they have no reason not to trust me"

Of course, if we all decided to trust 100% the weight of responsibility for the deceit always rests with the person who deceives 100% If we all trust it means that we are placing our welfare with another person, if we all did this, then protecting the welfare of others would be the guiding principle in all actions. Sadly this is not the case. We all know this and therefore we never fully trust. Again trust/distrust is a social contract a contract that we undermine in thought and deed all day everyday. Therefore a truly moral person is as useful as a chocolate fire guard when the fire sweeps through the forest! what is needed really is for morals to be shared and agreed by all people, then and only then will it be possible to trust all other people.

This is why I don't actually believe 100% trust is a good thing. I much prefer to be realistic and accept that the only person I can truly trust is myself. I don't see that as being particularly cynical, it's just realism. And that's why I won't swear blind trust in my partner. Yes, I think it's highly unlikely that he will cheat for a specific set of reasons that I won't get into here, but I also know that plenty of decent people do. I don't believe all people who cheat are vile. I choose to accept that as much as I love and adore him I can never be 100% sure that he won't hurt me. But that's ok with me. It's a risk I'm willing to take, because we're great together and my life is richer and better for being having him in it. If it happens somewhere down the line I will have to deal with it, but I'm not going to lose sleep trying to determine whether or not it actually will happen.

Pick someone who as far as it is possible to know is good, decent and kind and whose actions bear out the values you hold dear. That's all you can do.