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Original poster

If your dp thought you wouldn't find out..

210 replies

Followyourart · 30/12/2015 09:23

Do you think they would sleep with someone else, if they had the opportunity and we're sure you wouldn't find out?
Because I think that mine would, and I'm not sure what that days about my relationship....

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 30/12/2015 12:09

I'm in the camp of never blindly trust 100% anything is possible.

I'm willing to bet a high percentage of people would cheat if they knew 100% they wouldn't get caught/found out.

How many times do we read that it was a complete shock perfect husband.

I've been cheated on by ex's and the cheater with ex's so maybe my moral compass is just ruined though.

KittyandTeal · 30/12/2015 12:12

Not if he thought he wouldn't get caught but I'm pretty sure he would if I wasn't bothered about it iyswim.

Tbh if DH said he wasn't bothered about me sleeping with someone else I probably would. I wouldn't do it just because he wouldn't find out though

PattyPenguin · 30/12/2015 12:13

If he truly believed I would never find out, and if it was offered on a plate, yes. I really don't think he's unusual.

VimFuego101 · 30/12/2015 12:22

This thread makes depressing reading Sad

I almost 100% think DH wouldn't, his ex wife's affair broke up his marriage. But then again I know he'd lie about buying gadgets if he'd get away with it, he just knows I watch our money like a hawk, so maybe he would have an affair and I just wouldn't spot the signs.

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 12:25

I think its ingrained in men to cheat .

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it level pegging wrt to infidelity?

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 30/12/2015 12:26

oh he probably would, if there were a magical cast-iron guarantee that no-one would ever find out. we're not exactly in the first throes of lust after 15 years and 2 kids.

in real life I would credit him with better judgement. Although our relationship isn't perfect I think he probably values the good bits enough not to wreck it with an affair, and I think he knows the kids would really struggle with the aftermath of an affair (as opposed to a more considered ending of a relationship).

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 12:27

are all these "ingrained cheating men" only cheating with single women then ? Confused

Original poster
Followyourart · 30/12/2015 12:29

Yes, I don't believe it's in grained in any gender! It's not something men specifically are pre disposed to, I think I meant partners in general.

OP posts:
snickerwrapper · 30/12/2015 12:31

I don't think anyone can say it's impossible, but for DH I think it's extremely unlikely. He's very loyal and honest and has a huge guilt complex over the smallest things, he's a rubbish liar.

I know for myself, even if I knew DH could never find out (and who can ever feel confident of that?), I couldn't imagine cheating on him. It's not about him finding out or breaking his trust, but more that I have never felt remotely tempted. We've only been together for 8 years though, I'm sure there will be different highs and lows in our relationship in the future.

PinkSquash · 30/12/2015 12:31

I'd bet my husband would. He's had an EA so it's not too far from actually happening.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 12:33

I couldn't live like that Sad

mum2mum99 · 30/12/2015 12:35

Are we really monogamous?

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 12:35

Some people are, some are not

I think generalising won't give you an answer

Ihatechoosingnames · 30/12/2015 12:37

My OH works away a lot so he could cheat on me without me finding out if it was ONS. I don't think he has/ever would. I have to trust him 100%. He absolutely adores me, I am certain of that and I know he'd never cheat on me. It's hard to explain why I am certain, I suppose a lot of wives who have had cheating husbands probably said the same thing. I don't think I am naive.

Since he works away a lot I also could cheat on him without him knowing. I never have and never would, I couldn't do that to him. I could never do that to anyone, especially him. I couldn't live with the guilt of hurting what we have.

LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2015 12:38

I don't think DH would. 3 pints leaves him thinking he is a sex god and passng out as soon as he hits the bec. Anything less than 3 pints would require a moral decision from him and he would not do it. He tells me if he does anything even a little bit morally questionable because he can't stand the guilt!

Original poster
Followyourart · 30/12/2015 12:44

I think that was part of the reason I started the thread mum2mum , I don't believe as a species we are monogamous, but we also have a choice, I would like to think we are more intelligent than resorting to treachery, as a species.

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/12/2015 12:44

No. Definitely not.

My DH is the person he is independent of the fact that he shares his life with me. His choices are based on his own values, not mine.

ClashCityRocker · 30/12/2015 12:46

I am 99% certain that I wouldn't, 99% certain he wouldn't. I just think that in a perfect storm of dire circumstances no one knows how they would react.

summerwinterton · 30/12/2015 12:49

I would have bet my life mine wouldn't cheat - he did. He is now an ex who doesn't bother to see our DC. I will never get over the shock and betrayal let alone the behaviour of him and the OW since. So I think everyone has the capacity to cheat, male or female, happily married or not. Given the opportunity if someone wants to do it they will.

Ilikeminitwirls · 30/12/2015 12:49

I know of 2 of my female,middle aged friends who are happily married, socialise and have full and fulfilling lives with their husbands. They have both, for many years, been having affairs with 2 men in their work places( the 2 friends aren't connected & don't know each other)They have sex with these male coworkers a couple of times a week in locked offices. The men they are involved with claim to be happy with their wives. I am married and I am not up for having an affair ( I am friendly but not flirty) and I have been propositioned by married men who seem pretty happy with their wives. Makes me feel skeptical....if my 2 lovely friends can do this, then anyone is capable . They say they do it because they can and it's exciting

OnADarkDesertHighway · 30/12/2015 12:54

I hope not but I think most men would cheat if they had a guarantee they would get away with it.

Fortunately cheating does not come with a guarantee they will not get caught. DP and I have talked a lot about it and I do think he's happy enough that it would not be worth the risk.

I think I would know if he did and he thinks I would know too. He knows he would lose me if he did.

I do not think we are monogamous by nature but if you love someone enough you stay faithful.

Original poster
Followyourart · 30/12/2015 12:58

I don't feel like it would be worth talking to him about it, because I don't think he'd even know how he would react in that situation. Plus he'd think I was accusing him if something and it would turn into an argument.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 13:00

You can't talk to your partner about stuff liek this ?

That doesn't bode well. About future fidelity, nor about much of anything at all, tbh

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 13:03

We're so hugely complex that I think a species based explanation is a very poor tool. So many forces are on us from financial to socialisation to mental to physical to history and so on. I don't have a problem with someone viewing monogamy as untenable for them, I would however have a problem with someone pretending to be in a monogamous relationship with me while they were engaging in romantic/sexual encounters elsewhere. Who's to say that my DH might decide next week he is unable to be monogamous. I'd still credit him with the ability to be honest, those choices are not mutually exclusive.

pocketsaviour · 30/12/2015 13:05

To any of you that have been through it - does it make you wonder if relationships are even worth it?

Not really, I just don't expect relationships to be monogamous any more, and I make that clear upfront.

That said, I am not in the market for any more in-depth relationships. Now my son has left home, I'm rediscovering the joy of living on my own, and someone would have to offer me something pretty fucking spectacular* to contemplate sharing a house again.

*Like running a kitten sanctuary. Or signing over their HUFhaus to me.

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