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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your dp thought you wouldn't find out..

210 replies

Followyourart · 30/12/2015 09:23

Do you think they would sleep with someone else, if they had the opportunity and we're sure you wouldn't find out?
Because I think that mine would, and I'm not sure what that days about my relationship....

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 30/12/2015 23:41

On off OH has apparently never cheated on me, but I know full well he has cheated on both GF's in between. I know he will lie to get him out of any situation that causes him trouble.
I doubt we'd go through life, if we do stay together, both being faithful. It's not what I dreamed of when I was young, but it is what I have, maybe what I deserve, and what I would prefer over unrealistic expectations from us both. We're just not those people that can do it 'right', and I really can't be arsed to beat our relationship up over it any more.
So, yes he would. Yes I would. It's not a corner stone of our relationship anymore. We're not a love story, we're just 2 people with all the weaknesses that go with it, that have become 'family', and love and forgive in that fashion.

MistressMerryWeather · 31/12/2015 02:44

DrMorbius, why are you keeping tabs on AF? It's creepy. I doubt what you think of her matters a jot.

There is no man bashing going on here. This site has a female majority so it only makes sense that most of the posts would be about male infidelity.

Go start a thread about cheating on a male dominated forum (pie and bovril?) and let me know how it plays out.

Your posts come across as petulant and whiny, if you have a point then make it, and do so without being condescending to individual posters who have simply expressed their opinions.

Or better still, why don't you start your 'moany fecking women' thread, Mumsnet loves a bit of entertainment on NYE.

wallywobbles · 31/12/2015 05:56

When I was married I gradually discovered that almost all the married men I knew were putting it about while pretty much gas lighting their wives on the subject. It was so depressing and really affected me. It turned out so was my H. He knew it was a deal breaker for me so took pains to hide it until after the divorce.

winchester1 · 31/12/2015 06:11

Early days I think we both did. We both have plenty of opportunities now as we both travel with work. I don't think either of us would/ have but I'd not be surprised if it happened further down the line.
Still we are happy now as far as I know so that's what matters I suppose.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 31/12/2015 06:47

Ah, bless the naiveté.

Other than the blatant cheaters who get posted about on here who are essentially cheating in plain sight and their partner can see it, but doesn't want to see it, every single person who cheats is against it. You'd be a fool to advertise to your partner that you might take an interest in someone else.

My exh was as judgemental and as against cheating as your husband. He's also cut out friends for cheating over the years and is very vocal about the storylines of films and TV that normalise/minimise cheating. He is very much against it. Of all the things I doubted about him over the years, I never once felt that he was capable of cheating. I was quite comfortable with him going out with female friends and even occasionally crashing at their houses afterwards. I was definitely in the, "he wouldn't even be able to tell if a woman fancied him" camp.

Until I discovered his affair.

His defence?

I didn't think you'd ever find out.

Since kicking him out, I have been horrified at just how many married men have made advances, chatted up and outright propositioned me. And some of them are men I know very well whose wives trust them completely and will quite happily talk about how they know that their husband doesn't even look at another woman...

So maybe not all would, but given the opportunity and the right woman, the majority would.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 31/12/2015 06:51

And maybe, given the same right circumstances, many women would too.

I'd like to think I wouldn't. But then, I think a lot of the exh's mentioned here probably believed they wouldn't, until they did.

3phase · 31/12/2015 06:52

No I don't think so. I know our relationship would be over if I ever cheated and I'm certain he sets the same standards for himself. I guess you never know 100% but I'd be very surprised if he did.

HelpfulChap · 31/12/2015 06:58

I think to say the majority of men would is a bit harsh. A large percentage perhaps.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 31/12/2015 07:42

Majority/large percentage... It's the same thing really.

bunique · 31/12/2015 08:13

Maybe the difference is opportunity (assuming motive and means are there) - my H works in a small, male dominated company with no travelling, in our home town, and his female friends are the wives of our male friends so there is unlikely to be a scenario where he would be out with just the woman plus I never let him go anywhere anyway

AlanPacino · 31/12/2015 08:31

There's been many studies into adultery with some suggesting men cheat more often and then some suggesting that women cheat more often so my belief is that we're pretty much equal. The problem with MN, as with any website angled at a certain section of society, is that you're not getting a randomised data sample. Plus only those who are so inclined to respond do so, and due to the emotive nature of the subject, again, you'll be attracting those who feel strongly, such as those whose partners have had an affair.

WavingNotDrowning · 31/12/2015 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarednoob · 31/12/2015 08:47

To the best of my knowledge, my dad never did; my parents had a brilliant marriage until my mum died.

However as a teenager I would look at them and think: Mum gets up at 6, makes her packed lunch, gets ready, heads off to school, dropping my brother off at his school on the way. Comes home at 4, collecting brother again, cooks dinner, spends evening with family.

Dad leaves the house at 7 for the bank. Comes home at 7-8, sometimes later.

Which one would have more opportunity? These days, the roles are more likely to be shared or reversed, but I think opportunity and environment are big factors in temptation.

ShortandSweeter · 31/12/2015 11:56

We seem to have more women admitting to affairs on this thread than men. Clearly that means more women than men have affairs.

HolgerDanske · 31/12/2015 12:04

Heheh Shortandsweeter

I reckon it's probably about equal, going by the various criteria set out by a poster somewhere earlier.

naughtyjezebel · 31/12/2015 12:12

Thisisstillfolk your post got me thinking!

I owned a pub for a while and I would say that 90% of the men including the very married men who came in there tried it on with me at some point. Despite the fact that I know their wives. I think that most men, after a few drinks, might be tempted, even if it is not being offered, they will just chance their arm. At the time I had just split up with my husband and was new to the area. I suspect they had taken bets.

I never went near any of them by the way, but it was an interesting experience, repeatedly being propositioned by very married men. Guys who go to church with their family each Sunday etc

In the past, men were out of the home more than women, so had more opportunities. Now most women are equal in that regard and more financially independent, meaning we do not have to put up with crappy relationships for the sake of financial survival.

I guess the next question is...does it matter if your partner has a ONS?

When I was young I used to think it would be the end of the world, it was my biggest fear relationship wise. But then my husband cheated on me (went back to his ex, but then returned to me - but lied about being with his ex). To be honest it was not a happy experience but also not the end of the world. We stayed married for 20 years.

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 12:30

someone referred to me as an "august" poster! :)
...It was DrM throwing his toys out the pram :(

Trills · 31/12/2015 12:48

I know that I wouldn't ever do this - I wouldn't enjoy it.

It stands to reason that there are also other people in the world who would not enjoy it.

SoConfused15 · 31/12/2015 14:08

My partner and I don't cheat on each other.

We do however both have sex with other people, with and without the other one being present. It's fun. Just sayin'

AnyFucker · 31/12/2015 14:27

That's not the same but do feel free to attention seek about what right-on kinksters you and your partner are.

moopymoodle · 31/12/2015 15:51

This thread makes me really sad! Given I've only been married 4 months, makes me wonder what is the point argh.

Saying that I believe women are just as capable. I cheated on my ex twice, wouldn't dream of cheating on DH. My best friend cheats on every DP she gets, DH's best friend constantly cheats on his wife. Infact most relationships I know of around me are riddled with infidelity, none of them ever found out and they don't feel any guilt. I'd not be able to live with the guilt personally.

I'd say in the right relationship, people can change. But then even in the best relationship some people are just bastards and want to have their cake and eat it.

Trooperslane · 31/12/2015 16:06

No. I trust him implicitly.

firesidechat · 31/12/2015 16:11

There's always one on threads like these AF.

Ignore some of the threads on here moopy. There is a proportion of posters on here, just like in real life, who believe that no man can be trusted to remain faithful. It's sad, but by no means reflects everyone's experience. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years now and I firmly and sincerely believe that he has never been unfaithful or would be unfaithful. I don't even care that it sounds naive to some. I'm sticking with the trust.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 31/12/2015 16:24

I couldn't be arsed having an affair to be honest, I would rather go to my bed with my kindle and cuppa

< just realised I sound 85 and not 45>

Micah · 31/12/2015 16:31

I think as many men would as women would.

I don't think DH would, his ex cheated on him so he's been through it.