Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your dp thought you wouldn't find out..

210 replies

Followyourart · 30/12/2015 09:23

Do you think they would sleep with someone else, if they had the opportunity and we're sure you wouldn't find out?
Because I think that mine would, and I'm not sure what that days about my relationship....

OP posts:
AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 16:07

He said that men will ask themselves one question when the opportunity presents itself and that question is, will she find out.

And thus illustrates the problem of a such a small data sample. Some men will have little difficulty with the guilt of intimacy outside of a relationship where the other partner believes it is exclusive. Some men would. Conversely some women would and some wouldn't find that guilt difficult to explain to themselves.

MistressMerryWeather · 30/12/2015 16:07

No, I don't think my husband would fuck someone else.

I wouldn't be with him if I thought he would.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 30/12/2015 16:10

I don't think so ( though of course one can never be sure).

He certainly has plenty of opportunity ( works away sometimes) but he's pretty judgmental of people who do.

allegretto · 30/12/2015 16:14

No, I don't think so. He travels a lot for work so has plenty of opportunity (and I wouldn't find out) but I am pretty confident that he hasn't / wouldn't.

Chattymummyhere · 30/12/2015 16:16

I think there is a big difference between serial cheats and one off cheats.

When I was a serial cheater in my teens it was because sex = love, I came from a very messed up home where stability was not seen.

As I grew up and matured/sorted my issues I'm not a cheat anymore but could I say hand on heart in my whole future life I would never ever again? Honestly, who knows what's around the corner. However my self confidence would have to of had a massive boost in the first place to think anyone but my dh would see me like that. Although maybe that's a flag in itself.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 16:17

Don't be fooled by those who are "judgemental" about others

Some of the most sanctimonious people are massively hypocritical.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 16:19

Yes quite. I very much doubt all the women who thought their husbands would never, ever cheat on them were wrong about holding that opinion, so it clearly doesn't really work that way.

And I want to make it clear: I am in no way an apologist for cheats, male or female. I would not cheat and if my partner ever cheated on me it would be the end for us.

HolgerDanske · 30/12/2015 16:20

(And men whose wives or girlfriends cheated on them)

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 16:20

For whatever reason, people who cheat do so because they don't hold the supposed exclusive relationship they're in with the same regard as the other (where the other partner hasn't cheated) I agree with AF that it's v important to make that point. The belief that my partner hasn't been intimate with anyone else other than me doesn't come down to the quality of our relationship, but our chosen priorities at that time. There's been time we've been a bit more distant but I think, like with myself, that the reason we haven't been open to something outside of our relationship is through choice.

99percentchocolate · 30/12/2015 16:22

"Some of the most sanctimonious people are massively hypocritical." Amen to that.

I think the majority of men would, but I don't think my DP is one of them. Not just because of how loyal he is to our family, but because I think that a supermodel could throw herself at him and he wouldn't have a fecking clue what was going on. Wink

MistressMerryWeather · 30/12/2015 16:22

He said that men will ask themselves one question when the opportunity presents itself and that question is, will she find out

Christ alive, is it any wonder women put up with such crap from men if this is what they will believe?

That would be the one question a complete twat asks himself.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 30/12/2015 16:32

It's nothing to do with being sanctimonious and everything to do with being decent and ultimately sensible.

When you've seen enough men, with perfectly good family lives, screw it all up for sex, it puts it in perspective. It also makes you judge such people as complete dicks.

pocketsaviour · 30/12/2015 16:42

My ex was massively judgemental about people who cheated. Like, really really acted as if he was speaking from some moral high ground.

Turns out he was dipping his wick in everything he possibly could while he was with me (4yrs), and had done so throughout his marriage (14yrs - his exW found out, threw him out, and then I met him. Happy days.)

Only apparently that was okay because it "didn't mean anything" Hmm

So not everyone who says "Ugh, cheaters are vile" are speaking from a position of truth.

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 16:57

I wouldn't say cheaters are vile. Displaying a marked lack of wisdom along with a lack of disregard for the partner who believes they are in a monogamous relationship yes, but not 'vile'.

AlanPacino · 30/12/2015 16:59

I can only think of 2/3 people that I have known who I would say were sanctimonious, and I'm getting on.

Titsalinabumsquash · 30/12/2015 17:00

Not in a million years, he has strong feelings about cheaters.
I'm the same, I wouldn't, I think it's the worst betrayal you can do.

HelpfulChap · 30/12/2015 17:08

I have had opportunities where I knew my DW would never find out but declined/avoided the situation.

Im monogamous and detest infidelity.

jellyjiggles · 30/12/2015 17:25

I have many male friends who I've known for years. Out of 6 who are all married 5 of them have had a ONS at some time during their marriage. I know because they've told me usually after a few drinks and yes they all feel terrible about it. They live all over the country. Their wives and families have no idea and they'd all swear blind their DH would never do it. I find it very sad.

All except one is happily married. The person who is unhappy was and probably still is a chronic cheat. His wife found out and apparently they've worked it out between them. How she's forgiven him for his serial cheating I don't know. I cut contact a few years ago because I couldn't watch it happen anymore. He had no boundaries and is probably a sex addict. I very much doubt his wife knows everything! There is no way she would still be with him if she knew the full extent of his behaviour.

DrMorbius · 30/12/2015 17:25

I must admit a slight surprise that august MN members such as Pocket and AF commented on this drivel post. What is the point of the question and any subsequent discourse!! It's all (largely) conjecture, from a predefined point of view. If anyone has read a singe comment on this post and "learned something" I would be amazed.

It's a Trojan horse post. You guys are obviously bored over the Christmas break. Sadly it says a lot more about your empty lives than it does about the nefarious "hypothetical" actions of men.

BoboChic · 30/12/2015 17:27

I think it's highly unlikely. He's been married and divorced and found his marriage breakdown excruciating and really, really doesn't want to jeopardize anything. Plus he's very happy with his family life and the way the DC have turned out. And he's pretty keen on me 😀

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 17:39

DrM, if you despise this website and the users therein, why the fuck do you hang around ?

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 17:41

And so what if posters are bored and want to chat shit

Does it bother you that women do that, DrM ?

That post says a lot more about you than it does any other respondents, "august" or otherwise

Original poster
Followyourart · 30/12/2015 17:44

Sorry, drmorbius I was simply opening up a conversation really, I was interested to know how others felt about monogamy, are cheaters "vile"? If you didn't know and never found out then, has there been any harm done? Or is that the ultimate betrayal? Maybe some couples should consider swinging, that way there would be no need to cheat..
Just some thoughts I'm having is all.. Sorry if I offended you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Followyourart · 30/12/2015 17:46

And yeah it has got a little slow .. That annoying period between Xmas and new year, which i suppose is why I'm reading forums! Can't see an issue with that myself

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 17:47

Don't apologise, OP.