DRY 10!!!!

[CheesyNachos]

Welcome! This is the thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol. We are all at different stages of our journey, and many of us have some hiccups along the way, but we are committed to an exciting, fulfilling, joyful life alcohol-free.

Previous thread is here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2485290-DRY-9?pg=1

Everyone is welcome!

Hello everyone :) Hope all of you are ok xxx

Sorry if this is a bit of a self indulgent post but have been thinking about the AA 12 steps and been thinking about why I drank (note past tense!)

My Mum had a stroke when I was 9 and disappeared from my life into geriatric wards (all that was on offer for people with paralysis at that time, think 1960's ) . My Dad drank and drank ( I suspect to blot out what had happened but that is being kind to him) and ignored (or enabled) abuse to me from his friends throughout my teen years (not going to excuse that !)

I was in the circle of being abused by Jimmy Savile but saw he was creepy and escaped largely unhurt thank God. My Dad drank himself to death, the year my DD was born, and I watched it happen and tried to stop him but failed. My Stepmother enabled him to drink up until the day he died - with a sippy cup of whisky

I did not drink for many years but in the last 10 years stress of family stuff caused me to turn to it - my fault I know. I have no excuses at all as I did it to myself

How do I even start to make amends to those I have hurt? The 12 steps seem impossible tbh

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - is there an AA thread I should post this on?

glad what a sad post. how to make amends? Hmmm I don't know but I have had a little wonder about making amends too. I've hurt a lot of people too. Not through my actions. Rather my inactions. For example forgetting birthday cards also known as cba.
That's a very innocent example btw in the grand scheme there would be worse.
I don't think you can. I don't know what you feel you have done but in some of my incidents I think that it might be bonkers to acknowledge and apologise (there would be times where it IS appropriate)
Therefore I interpret making amends as
staying sober, living well and BEING a better person. I always mean to 'get round' to stuff and don't (see aka 'cba') so the other day I had to ask for a favour from someone. In the past I would have intended to buy wine to say thanks and couldn't be arsed. So I made myself get off my arse to do it.
I don't think you ever can fully make amends with everyone and some people will always think badly of you. But turning your life around and paying forward is a bloody good start.

dona thank you :) I didn't mean it to be sad, just factual

And yes being a better person seems the way to go to me - not raking over old stuff that tbh lots of people have forgotten anyway. Not saying that to get out of making amends! but honestly why dredgeup bad stuff if other people have moved on from it? I take issue with AA 12 steps over that

Glad sweetheart from what you've described, I'm in awe of you in that you have survived this far. Please start by knowing that none of what happened when you were a kid was your fault and please be kind to yourself. Whatever you think you may have done won't be anywhere near as bad as you think. So forgive yourself first and foremost. It's ok to feel how you do, I promise. You're only human lovely after all.....no one is perfect xx

You have had a lot to deal with. You have come a long way.
I'm just slobbing around in my pjs. I'm mercifully at the stage where I am feeling like a non drinker. I didn't go to the gym tonight and a long evening can be triggering. But the evening has passed with barely a thought of alcohol. Most of my worries are about big events throughout the year rather than an urge to drink at home. Even a fri night feels like any other night. If I didn't have the early Saturday class I go too I'm sure it would be a different matter.

The reason I post these 'hey I'm doing so great' posts is because I hope they inspire just one person who may fear a life without wine. No one enjoyed a daily bottle+ more than I did. I never thought I could do this. I can I am and so can you! ('You' being the wider audience)

likeahurricane thank you that made me cry :) Am 53 and at the moment feel 13 tbh - so sad and confused :( I have spent my adult life volunteering and being a caring kind adult role model to others but inside I am a crying 13 year old. Being sober seems to be releasing all sorts of stuff I wish not to feel tbh!

Glad Have you found someone at your meetings who you think would be a good sponsor? I would discuss with them as although Veronica (Valli) has talked me through Step 8 I've never done the steps myself so can't really offer any advice on making amends. As for it being your fault - absolutely not. 80% of those who develop alcohol addiction issues have a history of abuse (myself included) and add to that you probably have a genetic predisposition. They're not excuses but the reality of why alcohol is so widely used to self-medicate in both your Dad's case and with you and I.

Not going to drink though! Sober is the way to be :)

X-post Glad have you considered some therapy lovely

Thank you Lucy I am going to ask a couple of the women at the group I attend about sponsoring me - I need to check the protocol first though - but after 3 weeks I think it is ok to ask? And yes I am struggling with the whole higher power stuff but the rest seems good. I have four lovely woman who text and are really great so hopefully will be available to sponsor me

Lucy had therapy for bereavement reactive depression but not anything else - what would you suggest I might ask for? Abuse? Addiction? ??

Did you have counselling for the abuse?

dona no only for bereavement for the loss of my Mum - who died after 20 years in geriatric wards from 1971 - 1991.

Glad - sorry to hear about your parents

A friend of mine was abused by JS - bastard.

Re the making amends - I struggle with that too. Some of the people I hurt through my drinking are not contactable, others probably would be upset if I did contact them.

My parents live far away and have no idea how bad my drinking has been. If they knew, they would be appalled and v v worried. They were once shocked when I said I had two glasses of wine over an evening - thank god they don't know the truth.

Glad - the distressing image of your dad and the sippy cup reminds me of a friend whose husband sat all day drinking whiskey from a thermos flask. His poor wife had to wait on him hand and foot for decades until the miserable sod died. She enabled him by providing him with the whiskey.

Glad - I've had psychotherapy in the past and highly recommend it.

Abuse continued after early teens - I married someone who abused me ( he seemed wonderful at the start :( ) and was both emotionally and physically abusive. I got free of him and am now with my lovely DH of 30 years who is fab and so understanding :)

Thank you all for the lovely responses - I will think about everything you have said :)

That's lovely! (Your DH glad)

dona yes he is :) I love him so much and he loves so much also
:)

me so much also!

To many more happy years!

Jeez - and we wonder why we drink / drank.

I don't know why I drink, really - it may be genetic as my granddad was an alcoholic. I have bipolar, as does my aunt (his daughter) and I wonder if he had bipolar too and he drank to self medicate?

Alcohol is a common self medication for many conditions :(

My Dan was ( not diagnosed) I suspect ADHD - or somewhere on the Spectrum - as is my DD. I don't think I am but probably a bit further along the line than totally NT