Will he ever propose to me???

[Chareen92]

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

Chareen, if you were reading this thread on here, or if a friend of yours was telling you all of this, what would your reaction be to some of the statements you have shared?

[Lweji]

He's just setting you up to fail.
The baby for the ring, how expensive the ring must be, how much you're supposed to save (but never bothering even finding out).

[Chareen92]

I know exactly how I'd be is tell them to get rid but it's a lot easier said than done 😔 I know id cope on my own. As I practically do everything my self but financially I think I'd struggle and i do love him dearly

[Chareen92]

He also always saying everything he does is for us. But now I'm starting to think twice

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

So he regularly reminds you how grateful you need to be constantly. Again - this is another way of controlling you.

[Sallyingforth]

OP this is really very simple. You are waiting for a proposal that will never come.

If you both wanted to get married, you would already have discussed it, agreed it and done it. That hasn't happened, so it's extremely unlikely to happen now.

I hope you are able to resign yourself to remaining unmarried, and that you will safeguard your legal position as others have advised.

Good luck.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Do the children have his surname Chareen?

[Chareen92]

Yes the children do have his surname. I won't be mentioning it so close to Xmas for the kids sake but as soon as Xmas is over with I think we're Guna have to have the talk and see where that goes I just don't know what to say I though it was normal for people to have there own individual money I must be so wrong 😔

[Chareen92]

I've probly hanged on for so long as when we've had the engagement talk he's always told me we will get married but all u people advice and support is making me think I'm on a day dream

[Lweji]

Lots of people have their own individual money, but not so common to have children and working different hours without pooling something.
It's also not a good sign if a supposed life partner prefers to keep secrecy regarding finances and expects gratefulness for anything they put in.

(Speaking as the party who had the bigger income)

[Suddenlyseymour]

This sounds really dodgy....he is wanting you to save capital out of your wages towards a house, and when he deems it that yu have tried hard enough, he's dangling the possibility of a ring??! Well woopee doo isn't he sure of himself ? So what if you raise this money and sink it into a house purchase with him; in what way is your money protected should it all go tits up and you aren't married? Please don't blindly chuck your hard earned savings at him in the hope of a ring- you want legally drawn up docs to protect your investment. It all sounds a little....undignified.....he knows you are desperate to marry him, there is no power balance here. This sort of bloke is sooo unattractive !

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

You will get good support here. A lot of us have been through very similar things. And mumsnetters usually say it like it is so you'll generally get honest advice.

[Usernamegone]

He is quite happy to buying computers, booking holidays (presumably you pay half) and other non essential nice things as he sees this as more important than provide you with legal protection.

I would go back to working FT and make sure that your partner pays half the childcare cost plus the cost of a cleaner for the 50% of the house work he doesn't do.

Also there needs to be a complete ban on spending money on non essential items like holidays, meals out, which he is prioritising. So when he tries to book a holiday you tell him no you cannot afford a holiday as you are saving for a wedding as that is your number one priority.

When he buys a house (if you are not married) I would also be tempted not to move into it. Then he can live in his big dark lonely house all by himself with no one to cook and clean for him.

Either he wil get the idea or you will split up (with a nice sum of money you can hopefully use to buy your own house)

[pocketsaviour]

Bear in mind OP, if you give him enough of an ultimatum, you might eventually get a ring. But then there will be endless delays about when to have the wedding, not this year it's too expensive, not next year I'm too busy at work... He will string this out basically forever. I get the impression from what you've said that he may even enjoy playing these games, as they keep you trying your hardest, chasing after the carrot like a good donkey. And he never even has to give you your carrot anyway!

He's even managed to get you to dangle the carrot for yourself:
I just don't want to bring things up to prolong as if he was about too I'd ruin it

[Chareen92]

I've had a great eye opener since coming on here. Thankyou all. Well I've told him I'm not going to buy a house until we're married but he told his mum he would propose once we put the deposit down. I guess I just believe everything he says and go along with it.

[Chareen92]

Well his starting salary was 21000 and he's had 2 pay rises since and I'm on 15000 so if he's had 2 he'd be roughly around 30000 mark on yearly salary but yes we still pay completely half to everything

[Sallyingforth]

"he told his mum he would propose once we put the deposit down"

Just one more excuse. The next will be along shortly.

He knows you want to be married. There can only be one reason why he hasn't agreed - he doesn't want to.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Wtf do you pay HALF of the bills when he earns considerably more than you ? Hes playing you.

[moopymoodle]

He's terrified of losing his money, he will never propose as it means he has to financially commit. It also sounds like he thinks your beneath him, I'd be furious!

[Lweji]

You could easily be on 20k if working full time.
I bet whatever he pays the kids doesn't cover half that difference or what he saves in childcare for you being at home two days per week.
So, he's saving for his house at your expense.

[Lweji]

Sorry, 25k.

[Lambbone]

There is a rule of life, and it's a simple one.

It is: Don't be a dick

This bloke seems to struggle to keep this simple rule. I know you have kids, but honestly- bin him earlier rather than later. I mean, what's the point of being with someone with whom you can't have an honest and adult conversation? Especially when this is a person with whom you have made the biggest commitment of all. And he seems to be regarding this (the fact that you have children) as of minor significance.

He's a knob.

[TPel]

He won't propose. I'm very sorry. He will always move the goal posts.

I would look to move out and move on with your life. Someone in this big world will want to marry you. Don't waste time on this jerk.

[Chareen92]

I know he's very money orientated. He wants the best of things and I might never be on his salary. I think his point with the house is that if he's putting most the money in and input a few thousand but he wants money for a house by the end of next year he might have the extra cash but I struggle just putting a bit aside.

[Sallyingforth]

It's pointless discussing who pays how much. That's irrelevant to getting married.

It's simply a matter of whether he wants to marry or not. And he doesn't.