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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
DaphneGaffney · 23/12/2015 08:01

He seems to be a very selfish and thoughtless man. He's put himself in a position when he can walk away without a thought, almost like he's waiting for 'something better'. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued, where your contribution is not valued by the money you put in the pot for HIS dream. I would seriously start making a plan about how you could leave. You need to work out where, when, finances etc. As someone else said, women's aid can help.
fWiw, dh has always earned more than me (different career paths + me stopping to have 2 children) and we have always put in proportionally - so if he was earning £10k a year, he'd put in £5k and I earned £5k, I'd put in £2.5k. I've always known exactly how much he earned and visa Versa. In my experience that's how most people arrange things.
I'm not even going to start on the 'allowing' you to have a baby instead of a ring...tosser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2015 08:01

"I think just the fact he goes halfs and helps me with bills"

He has played you like a violin; he really hit the jackpot when he met you (which was perhaps also at a time when you were in a bad place yourself).

You sound so pathetically grateful that he even does that; this is why I also mentioned that no-one has ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is like. It is certainly not this example of one.

He earns far more than you do and he still expects you to go halves on everything. His money to him is his and his alone; he does not want to share it and he also does not regard you as an equal at all. There is no happy ending with this man; staying with him enables him to further train you to put up and shut up. You have basically helped him feather his own nest at your overall expense.

And this individual gets another hour in bed during the week whilst you knock yourself out getting yourself and your children (which he really regards as your main responsibility) ready. I bet you he never offers to get up earlier so you can get an extra hour in bed.

Miloarmadillo1 · 23/12/2015 08:09

He has trained you to be grateful for crumbs from his plate Sad
He earns roughly double what you do, and you do the lion's share of childcare and housework, yet you have to contribute equally to bills, and you don't even know what he earns? He has massively more disposable income than you but is cross that you are not saving 'enough' towards a house deposit? He spends at least one whole day a week doing whatever he likes as if he had no family responsibilities? He won't marry you, the only thing marriage would do is give you a bit more financial security if he decides to dump you, and he likes having you reliant on keeping him sweet. Don't put money into a house with him, you can bet your bottom dollar it will not be equally owned and he'll spin you some line about having a legal agreement to protect his larger share of the deposit, while conveniently ignoring the fact that you have been providing free childcare for his children, running his household and losing out financially for years!

NettleTea · 23/12/2015 08:16

why half and half when he earns at least twice as much as you? He should be covering 2/3rd of bills as a minimum - if you lived seperately he would have to pay 100% AND have his children some of the time, AND pay child maintanance, plus do his own cleaning, cooking and laundry.

Half and half is a piss take. You are lucky that you are not married to be honest. You can still walk away now

IrishDad79 · 23/12/2015 08:19

wannaBe
"I understand that you want to be married. But tbh this is something you should really have thought about before you had children with someone who didn't want to be married to you."

Nail on head.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 08:24

No he never offers to let me have a lie in in the week except weekend 1 day as he works 5 days and I only work 3 his words lol. When I found a job before this one I would work one day at weekend and I had to tell my boss to do every other weekend as he said he would have no social life like he'd be at work 5 days then watch kids at weekend and he wouldn't be able to do his things. I agree he should be paying more as he earns double me. No doubt a few months ago he brought an 11,000 pound car and I also got a loan out to buy myself a 3000 car as mine was a danger zone.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 23/12/2015 08:26

He is so selfish!

Whyissheontheship · 23/12/2015 09:18

I was going to come here and say just set a date and do it but since your updates I have to say are you sure you want to be with him?

His behaviour is awlful. I don't think he has any intention of marrying you. I also think he has no intention of changing. I would leave (even if he panic proposes when you to leave) honestly that is not how most relationships I have come across work. I know plenty of couples with separate finances but they all know how much each other earns.

Sallyingforth · 23/12/2015 09:22

Why all the discussion about money and hours worked?

This is about the security of marriage.

You want to be married.
He doesn't want to be married.

End of story.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 09:22

do I stay with the man I love and risk the stable marriage and be financially secure, or go out seperate ways because there's no commitment either way

Yes, you love him, but HE doesn't love you.
There won't be a marriage.
You are not financially secure. He's using you financially and making you worse off. You have to work less hours, concentrate on the children and house, and still pay half the bills. He is living his lifestyle off you, not giving you anything at all!
You will probably be better off your separate ways. Child free days, maintenance, and your own money to spend as you see fit without pressure and threats to save.

BogusCatAndThePunk · 23/12/2015 09:51

Ask yourself this: Who's name is going to on the deeds of this magical house?

Any one want to takes bets he'll give a reason why only his name should be on there. . . And then without some serious paperwork before the purchase protecting your deposit you're fucked.

This is not a good relationship for you

Or for your children.

You're what my friend calls a 'starter wife' without even the legal protection of being a wife.

Basically he's getting the status of a settled family man with none of the work or the financial commitment, and you're getting screwed. He places no value on you bringing up the children or keeping the house running. he places no value on your work (I had to tell my boss to do every other weekend as he said he would have no social life). but he wants to earn/save more to give to him..............

Please at the very least have a fund of money that is yours alone, 'cause you're going to need it

moopymoodle · 23/12/2015 10:11

He is financially abusing you. It is not normal to earn twice that of your partner and to obsess about money so much, making you go half's!! Tell him he has to do half the house work and childcare so you can work more too then maybe you would be financially better off. See how he likes that!

Honestly he's majorly controlling you, Amy money earnt between you should be family money. You should be a team and running everything together. Meanwhile he's pocketing at least double what you do, treating you like a nanny and cleaner then financially guilt tripping you like your beneath him whiles he pulls all the purse strings.

If you don't want to leave him you need to stand upto him. It's not normal at all to treat somebody you love like that, so he splashes out on a nice car and u have to get a loan for yours. Wtf!!

Tell him he needs to disclose his income, all family money is equal or that your leaving him. Explain to him that by law when you leave he will have to pay maintenance and even if you did own a house together you would be more entitled to live in it due to the kids anyway!

Honestly he's brain washed you. Reminds me of my first longterm partner. He had at least double the money I had, yet he madee pau 50/50 on the bills and I was footing most the costs for xmas and birthdays etc whiles he spent his money on hobbies. I thought it was normal, 5 years on I'm married to a different man. Money isby split, all money is our money and he financially supports and raises my children as his own. Meanwhile their dad pays zero maintenance as apparently I get tax credits so he thinks I shouldn't. These men rarely change they just get worse!!

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/12/2015 10:26

a few months ago he brought an 11,000 pound car and I also got a loan out to buy myself a 3000 car as mine was a danger zone

Can you not see how wrong this is??

He's earning more so should be contributing more to the bills.

He isn't going to marry you. He doesn't want you to have access to his money.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 10:29

But he wants your money, and your work (which is worth a lot of money - at least 10k in lost earnings-, but he doesn't value at all).

RayofFuckingSunshine · 23/12/2015 10:30

Will he ever propose to me?

No. Is the simple answer.

And if he does, run like hell. ^^
^^

Tearsoffrustration · 23/12/2015 10:32

I waited 10 years one DC and a house before getting an engagement ring - he left me before the wedding - don't waist anymore of your life!

pocketsaviour · 23/12/2015 10:32

I think just the fact he goes halfs and helps me with bills

How is this a positive point? He doesn't HELP you with bills; he pays (less than his fair share of) HIS bills. (Unless he is paying off a credit card debt for you or something?)

Honestly if the best thing you can say about a partner is "He manages to pay his way every month" he's not exactly setting the world on fire with his deep and loyal love for you and his children, is it?

Especially when what he's paying is actually less than the higher-earning partner in most households with your relative incomes would be putting in.

I hope this thread has been an eye-opener for you. This guy is really mugging you off, love.

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 10:42

From what you have said, he does sounds like he loves you, I don't doubt that, but deep down I think he is extremely selfish. Everything is HIS way, he's making all the decisions, what about your opinion? What about your dreams?

Why does he think his days off are just for him? He has two kids he cant just swan off and "fit in a little family time". When you have kids your life is now a family life and that should be ok with him.

He's holding you ransom, saying when you put a deposit down on a house then he will propose, why don't you flip it and say when he proposes then you will put your money forward for a deposit.

It sounds like his big dream isn't to be married to you its to own his own home, which he will probably kick you out of if you ever split up because he will see it as his.

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 10:45

And I think money should be split or he should at least be paying more, he earns more than you. Me and my husband put all our money in my bank once we have been paid (this is because all bills come out of my bank) and then whatever is left is for the family. I understand this would not work for everyone but I think its very fair, we both work full time but he does earn around £300 more than me a month.

He's showing he doesn't want to share things with you.

Focusfocus · 23/12/2015 10:46

OP do you have a daughter? Let's just say you have a daughter. She is your age and has come and told you -

  1. Mum, my partner won't share his income with me
  2. Mum, he has said unless I save money to help him buy his house he won't get engaged to me
  3. Mum, he earns twice a such as me and I still pay the same as him Into the house
  4. Mum, he won't have joint accounts with me
  5. Mum, my children all have his name but he won't let me join them
  6. Mum, rather than this household being our joint household I feel like he "helps me with bills"
  7. Mum, he won't help me with most of the work
  8. Mum, I am hanging on to this because this is such a stable and loving relationship.

What will you then tell your daughter op? What?

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 10:50

I agree with focusfocus. As you can see up thread I was in the same situation as you once, now I have the freedom to tell my daughter that if a man isn't support it isn't right, if a man doesn't make some of the sacrifices for parenting then don't have a child with him, if a man protects his assets but leaves you financially exposed, and at the mercy of his whims, then it's not right. How could you even have those conversations with him in the background. Leave now when it's your decision. Not in 15 years when you've served your purpose and raised his kids.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 10:52

NA200712 a proposal is nothing legally. I wouldn't advise OP to hand over that money until after she's married. ie, "I'll give you the deposit when we're married" not "I'll give you the money when we're engaged". He could still screw her over. BUT in truth, I don't think he sounds like a nice man. I'd advise her to walk away rather than marry him.

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 10:55

Your right Mince314 he doesn't sound like a nice man at all and I can guess if she gave him that ultimatum he would end the relationship as his dream is his house....

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 11:02

"It sounds like his big dream isn't to be married to you its to own his own home, which he will probably kick you out of if you ever split up because he will see it as his."

I agree with this. My x definitely wanted a grand home to reflect his lofty status in life Hmm He was happy to plunder me like a resource for years. I gave him my savings (at the beginning). I paid for groceries, DIY materials, I sanded and painted rooms in his house, I bought plates, cups, placemats, rugs, utensils, you name it, it's all still there too!! not to mention bespoke curtains for a bay window, some furniture, parking permits outside his house for his parents and siblings) council tax, things for the kids. He not only left me with no rights, but he left me with no savings, no opportunity to work outside the house, no time (all of my labour went in to raising the children and cleaning his house) so basically when I met him I had a good job and a deposit for a flat and I had a future and I had opportunities and by the time he'd finished with me I had two dependants, no career, no income, no savings and no opportunities and o time. And he saw this and right and proper. My reward for all of this was in his view the temporary roof over my head, always dependant on his whim and his mercy, and there was no discussion because he genuinely seemed to believe that I ought to be grateful to him.
That's what you have now. You are the me I was ten years ago. PLEASE tell his financial abuser that you wouldn't marry him because he's not worthy of you. It's a dollar short and a day too late. He might marry you but he's not a nice man. So it'd be a financial relief but you'd be married to a very unpleasant man. You have a job!! Your children are growing older not younger. You have options and you have opportunities, providing you don't continue to sink your time, your energy and your money in to feathering his nest.

Sorry I've written such an essay but it is awful to see nice women (and I can tell you are) make the same mistake I made.

Also, the whole thing about niceness, whenever I attempted to get my x to relinquish some of his rights, and to be fairer to me, he would question my niceness. Such a master manipulator stroke. ie, a 'nice' woman would meet all of his needs without question. ANy woman who attempts to meet some of her own needs is somehow a cold ruthless selfish cold hearted gold digger!?!?!?!?!?

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 11:08

yes MA200712, I can take myself back to how I felt back then and I wasn't as brave back then and it did feel like the only solution, to marry him so that the years I'd already sunk in to the relationship wouldn't be a waste. (op, please google "sunk phallecy" ?? It explains it really well). I wish somebody could have told me a decade ago, your children are fine, they're happy, you have a job! you have your OWN home and you have NO fear of being kicked out of that home because it's YOURS) and you have a much higher bar now and you wouldn't dream of dating a man like your children's father now.

FEATHER YOUR OWN NEST op. This is not unreasonable. He's not only doing just this but he's got you feathering his nest too. Well stop it. From now on you cannot afford to do this. You must start looking after yourself. You're not a charity.

Flowers Brew Don't forget OP, you're a competent woman with a qualification and a job. You are employed. You're an ASSET!