Will he ever propose to me???

[Chareen92]

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

[regenerationfez]

What has happened to the money you yourself are saving for the deposit? Do you have access to it? He seems like a nob. Don't tie yourself to him. Keep your money to save for a deposit for yourself and your children.

[Usernamegone]

That's fine, he can propose when he puts the deposit down (but you won't be putting any of your money down or moving in as you are not married). However, surely you would need to agree to look at houses, get a decision in principle from your mortgage lender, have an offer accepted, instruct a solicitor, get a full mortgage offer then at the point of exchange the deposit is normally paid (please note that once you have exchanged then you cannot pull out of the sale). Which you won't be doing any of the above I assume as he has made no commitment to you (so he won't get anywhere near putting a deposit down!)

To honest a proposal isn't enough you need a booked wedding date and both families to be told. Otherwise, if you accept a proposal when he puts the deposit down then you will buy the house and then there will be a million and one excuses to not get married as he will then spend all of his money (and your money) on knitting the house out.

[Chareen92]

That's something I was scared of of I spent all my time and effort for nothing because i really thought we'd be together for life he's always saying how good we are the way he tells me he loves me I feel like he really means it deep down that's why I'm confused why he hasn't proposed allrwady

[Lweji]

You don't know how much he's making. If you were working full time you'd be very close to him.
Why can't he work part-time?

And of course you're struggling to save. He's taking advantage of you. It's called financial abuse.

[Chareen92]

Yes the money I have saved is in my bank account and absaloutly i will not be giving him any of my money for the deposit unless something is seri have my head screwed on in that sense. It's strange I've been living with the guy nearly 6 years and all this is normal to me and after hearing a great variety of opinions I realise this isn't normal and not healthy. How could I be so gulable

[Sallyingforth]

"I'm confused why he hasn't proposed allrwady"

He doesn't need to get down on one knee.
You say "I want to be married. Let's set a date"
If he doesn't agree, it won't happen. Ever.

[Baconyum]

Based on UK average x 2 12 hour days childcare alone you're contributing £100 a week to the household that's approx £430 a month!

Then include all the housework you do that's more than your share? Quick Google says £12 an hour.

Then the weekends where he's apparently doing bugger all to contribute to family life! Does he even do the grocery shop with you? Laundry? Clean the loo ever? Mop floors? Windows? Dust? I bet not! So you're doing the majority of the housework.

Now that's just the practicalities.

Then there's the fact he DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW what he earns RED FLAG

Argument every time subject raised RED FLAG

Does he have life and critical illness assurance? With children he should. A will you should both have.

This is as pps have said NOT an equal and respectful relationship. It is an arrangement whereby he ALLOWS you to have children as opposed to this being a joint decision and desire - children should be wanted.

He continually puts you down (not ambitious enough, not trying hard enough to save for a deposit - are you saving more than half the amount he is every month? Given you are earning half what he is if you are you're actually doing BETTER at saving than he is!)

And again as several pp have said is leading you on.

I'm no romantic (sbxh cheated) but for legal and practical and economic reasons with the current legislation I'd caution anyone against having children or making a significant investment with another person without being married.

My divorce was hell, BUT it gave me financial and legal protection (some of which over 10 years later I suspect may be about to surprise sbxh). It made sorting the finances easier and fairer.

IF you stay with him I think you should make damn sure its on your terms.

And I don't think he was joking at all! I think he's backtracking. He's got a cushy deal at the moment.

[Mince314]

he says your friend is money grabbing. why? because she's getting married? that's another way of training you. My x used to do the same, imply that I was all about money when I asked him to meet me half way. He'd bite the head off me and make me feel like a gold digger. Some gold digger, I was doing all of the childcare, all of the housework, shopping in asda, all for no thanks, all for the 'privilege' of being under his roof.

it's not love. LOVE would be valuing you. Making it clear to you that he valued you. If he loved you, his biggest fear would be losing you. His biggest fear is losing his assets.

[Elizabethreallyismissing]

If I was you Chareen I would use the money you have saved to pay the deposit on a nice flat for you & your son!
Were you staying with your mum to help you save some money? Have you posted about this idiot before?

[LuluJakey1]

When I met DH we were almost 30. He proposed a few months later and we married a few months after that. We have a joint bank account and everything goes into it. I had a house, he had a flat. He sold his flat and paid off a chunk of the mortgage on my house with the profit.
We waited 5 years to have DS - now 12 months- and I have just given up work. DH never ever says anything about the fact that he is the one earning. I spend what I like from our account. He does at least half of everything and is besotted with DS. I can't understand how you can think this man really loves you the way he behaves over money and marriage and his spare time.

[Mince314]

No doubt you will be thinking about this before you do anything but I don't think you can go back to passively hoping he'll propose. Now you're going to feel the injustice and that feeling is probably going to grow. I have been in your shoes and I buried my head in the sand and I tried to persuade myself I was content, but it didn't work. Don't whatever you do hand over that small amount you have saved. You cannot afford to give him any more of your time, labour, savings, love, life!

Keep saving while you're thinking/processing these brutal truths. I left finally with three grand and it made a difference. My x didn't know I had that money. It was hard to save because he was always suggesting I use my savings to buy x, y or z. He had stocks and shares and earned about four times what I did. I could never say no because the script was that I had to be so very grateful for the lovely roof he put over our heads. HIS roof.

[Mince314]

That's how it should be lulujakey! nice to hear it.. I'd never tolerate being fleeced now, like I was when I was with my x. I just handed over everything. My savings. Other opportunities. Hours and hours of my time. My sur name! (kids also have their dad's sur name). Years living in his house not paying off a mortgage on my own place. He set me back financially by about 8 years and yet he thinks I fleeced him! That mindset, you can never argue with it. Just walk away.

[BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley]

I think if being married is really, really important to you then you should insist on it before you have children.

You have more leverage that way.

[JudgeJodie]

I was in a similar situation with my stbxh. He was very cruel about proposing and knew how important it was to me. And it was about marriage not the wedding. Anyway to cut a long story short I became so fixated on getting what I (thought!) I wanted that I didn't stop to look at the bigger picture. There has been some great advice on here so far regards the red flags etc. I wish I had known mumsnet at the time, as I wouldn't be going through a divorce right now!

[BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley]

I also think it's a bit daft to set deadlines and say you'll leave if he doesn't marry you.

You have two children with him for goodness sake. Is their happiness and security not more important to you than a principle? I don't know what he means by 'when the time is right' but I am always amazed that people will happily have children together without a second thought but need to be 'absolutely sure it's the right thing' about marriage.

I agree with the previous poster who said he doesn't need to get down on one knee and make a big show of it. Once you have children together and have lived together for years it's a bit daft to expect him to make a big deal out of getting engaged. Just tell him you are ready and it's better for your and the children's security if you formalised everything now. And ask him which month in 2016 suits best.

[Chareen92]

Just like others have said buying a house together with no commitment is trusting, his words " a house is more important than a wedding" to an extent I'm with him on that bit the security will not be there

[AyeAmarok]

Chareen, sweetheart, I mean this kindly.

You sound very, very naive. You have been played for the last 6 years.

This man will never marry you. Why would he? What does he get out of it that he doesn't have already?

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've read in a while on here, for so many reasons. Every post is getting worse and worse as we all see the number he's done on you.

[Mince314]

you can get the security you crave but you have to give it to yourself.

[kickassangel]

All his money is his? Well, then, he can start paying the going rate for childcare instead of using you as a free nanny, cook, and cleaner.

Why should he only be paying in half the monthly bills? You earn half the amount he does. There are 4 people to support. It's his responsibility as a father to ensure that his children have the best opportunities in life, and that doesn't include watching their mother being treated like a slave.

Find out what he is paid - use a day when you're home to find a pay slip and get a copy. Then work out how much he would have to pay in child support, and suggest he pays at least that amount to you each month in recognition of how much work you do to support him.

There is no way on this earth he could have the lifestyle he enjoys, complete with kids and the well run home, if you hadn't sacrificed your earning potential for him. He should be trying to redress the balance by giving you equal financial assets so that you have a relationship based on respect, equality and balance.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like he will never marry you, unless you suddenly come into a load of money. Then he'll have a ring on your finger ASAP, so that he can take it from you. he sounds horribly mean with his time, money and affection.

[lavenderhoney]

Don't put any money into the house because it will be a nightmare to get it out again if you decide to leave.

i don't think anyone should get married if they don't want to.

Your relationship isn't an equal one, are you happy to do everything, pay half on your salary etc? It won't change if you are married.

[Chareen92]

I am in two mind of what to do, do I stay with the man I love and risk the stable marriage and be financially secure, or go out seperate ways because there's no commitment either way I don't know how to go about it. What would I say? X

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would go your separate ways now, such men do not change.

He will never give you a stable marriage, infact he will never marry you. This person has not and will not even buy you a ring; he is not that into you and he keeps moving the goalposts to suit him.

What financial security is there for you in all this?. From what I have read the security is all his and his alone. He has simply used you as a child carrier, cook and bottle washer. These children also have his surname to boot; you have freely given up all your power in this and he has taken full advantage of your own naivety. It has cost you so very dearly.

Gather as much financial information as you can and enlist the help of friends and outside organisations like Womens Aid to plan your exit from this relationship of non equals.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I asked you what needs of yours are being met in this relationship. The fact that you did not or even could not answer that question itself speaks volumes.

[Chareen92]

I think just the fact he goes halfs and helps me with bills. Another little thing is that on a normal work day we both have to leave at 8 I'll be up at 6:30 getting myself and the children ready while he lays in till half 7 ready to leave at 8 after getting his sf ready