Will he ever propose to me???

[Chareen92]

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

[MaybeDoctor]

How are you doing, Chareen?

[magoria]

-he told me if I didn't come up with above money by the time he wanted to buy a house then we can go out separate ways

This one is so telling.

What he has basically said is if you don't save enough money for me to buy a house when I want to you can fuck off.

Where is the love?

Where is the planning your future together?

Where is your input into when you want to buy a house?

There is only one gold digger here.

[Sallyingforth]

Hi again Chareen.

I think you should read through your own posts again.
If a friend said to you things like:

-There always seems to be some excuse
-he knows how important marriage is to me
-My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising
-I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine.
-he thinks I should be the wife that does everything for him like how women used to
-he brought an 11,000 pound car and I also got a loan out to buy myself a 3000 car as mine was a danger zone.
-he told me if I didn't come up with above money by the time he wanted to buy a house then we can go out separate ways

would you advise your friend to carry on living with the guy in the vain hope that he might one day change the habits of a lifetime and become a husband in a genuinely sharing marriage?

[NoMore314]

oh ps. shortly before I left my x I had a dream that I was dying. In the dream, even though I was devastated to be dying because I wanted to LIVE, there was also a tiny part of me in the dream thinking 'at least I can leave him now' ( I had an acceptable reason Also, I knew he wouldn't look after me when I was dying). Dreadful dream obviously. But when I woke up, I shuddered and then I felt relief that I wasn't dying, and then [light bulb] I realised, I can leave him anyway.

[NoMore314]

Chareen, I posted on this thread earlier with a slightly different name so I hope you remember me.

Here are some questions and dreams that helped give me clarification.

If a magic time fairy offered to come along and press fast forward on your life, one year ahead, and you came up for air on the 2nd January 2017 what would you say? yes fairy or no fairy Imagine, he is gone, your house is so tidy. All of your friends and relatives had been told it's no longer hard to talk about it. You've invited friends over to what is now your place. You've taken on a few extra hours, to your amazement, your only regret is that you didn't do it sooner............. would you take a deep breath and come for air on the 2nd January 2017??? Because if the answer is yes, then that means that you have your answer you're just afraid of change. And that makes you NORMAL.

Change is really hard.

Let me tell you something else that is so contradictory. The very anaesthetic required to stop you questioning the inequality, the side effect is that it prevents you from saying fuck this I'm off. Because you're anaesthetised. It helps you in the short term. Ie, it helps you tolerate the fucking bullshit on an hour to hour basis. But one hour slips in to another hour and then you've wasted your one precious life because you were anaesthetised.

xx

[NameChange30]

You could read Should I stay or should I go? by Lundy Bancroft.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this - a supportive friend or family member?

[Clutterbugsmum]

He needs to leave so you can think about your future with out him sulking in the background.

[Chareen92]

I honestly don't know what to do, because I wasn't to be with him but at the same time I don't. It's so hard

[Sallyingforth]

Good morning Chareen. Thanks for coming back.
I do hope that he is not succeeding in weakening your resolve. It's tempting to think that you might change him, but after the years you have spent together that just isn't going to happen.
I very much hope that the new year will bring you freedom from this man and happiness with your full-time job. You have earned it.

[Joysmum]

But this is a man who CHOSE to take advantage of you while putting you down. You may get him to do what you'd like and understand that you deserve his respect, but be sure that he will be back to type as soon as he can

Well said. The moment he can begin the salami tactics (small slice by small slice) of reverting to type he will and you won't even realise it until those small slices have added up again

[Lweji]

He certainly needs to understand a lot, but he's sufficiently grown up.
And you've lost a lot of leverage, as you already have his children, already do most of it and work part time.
But this is a man who CHOSE to take advantage of you while putting you down. You may get him to do what you'd like and understand that you deserve his respect, but be sure that he will be back to type as soon as he can.

[Jibberjabberjooo]

Hi OP, what's happened since? Are you ok?

[regenerationfez]

He doesn't want a wife at all! He's getting you to do everything now, including financing his house. Marriage isn't a magic wand. It's bloody hard to maintain. You need to do it with someone who respects you.

[NameChange30]

So have you decided what to do OP? Are you staying, going, trying to improve things?

[Chareen92]

No I'm not sifting his expect ions of women are a lot more than I can give him he thinks I should be the wife that does everything for him like how women used to but needs to understand that happend because the women stayed at home while the men went out and brought all th money in. I bring money in too so yeah x

[rainbowstardrops]

OP you are clearly desperate to cling onto anything that vaguely justifies why this 'man' doesn't want to marry you.

You are clearly desperate to know it's not because he doesn't love you. I get that. But this man has and is treating you appallingly! That's got nothing to do with his idea of marriage and everything to do with his idea of how to treat his 'partner'!

I obviously don't know either of you and maybe he has some fantastic redeeming features but from where I am, he's totally playing you. He's playing you because he wants a house. Sorry.

[tribpot]

Btw I noticed in his texts how he played on what I suspect is one of your deepest fears: turning into your mother. Married or not, if you leave this guy and go on to meet/marry another (and maybe have another child with him) you will feel (and he will remind you) that you are behaving like your mother.

Nobody has talked on this thread about marriage being 'better' than living together in terms of increasing the likelihood of the relationship not failing, but what it decidedly is better for is protecting the lower earning spouse where there are children involved.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I don't work for free and I don't see why you should. He is SUCH a twat. Sorry I'm not more eloquent but honestly. TWAT.

[Sum314]

That's nonsense. He's just found an excuse you can accept.

As pps said, if you went full time you'd be earning the same as him. so he wants your labour in the home for FREE

[IonaNE]

Chareen, this is just another excuse. His mother's relationships did not break down because she was married to those partners.

[magoria]

OK OP

He has had time to think of an answer you might find acceptable. So I am going to C&P your entire post from a couple of days before Christmas.

Well I have my answer. Bear with the long post.

First mentioned a house and about his salary he didn't want to disclose this said it was his business and his money. I mentioned the fact we should share These things he disagrees and said when we buy a house he would pay more. Anyway I didn't want to but I mentioned about if he wanted to get married he said yes I told him I want to be married before we buy for security, he said a house is way more important than marriage but I mentioned I didn't want a big wedding or a ring now just to be married would be good enough. He still wants to save up for a house. Well he earns 28 1/2 a year so nearly double my wage. He said so basically I want all his money. And this isn't happening. And said if we split he would quit his job so he didn't have to give me all his money and can't understand as to why he would have to fork out all maintenance when we would get Child tax etc. And then the word came. All women are gold diggers always want all ur money. Again still saying marriage is not important to him. I mentioned if he passed me and th kids would be left with nothing and he said we wouldn't get anything if we wasn't on his will anyway, don't know if this is true or not. But yes o finally have my answer he's a spiteful utter prick who will do anything to not pay childcare. His words again why would I give I all my money to spend it on urself. Is he formal it would go towards bills and elec for the kids too. He just said he would buy them what they needed end off I wouldn't be getting any

This is nothing to do with him thinking marriage is crap and everything to do with him wanting all his money for him while you struggle.

Your relationship has already had the inequality of him spending £10k+ he had spare on a car while you had to get a loan for a £3k car.

He is happy for you and his DC to have nothing if it wasn't in his will. He is happy for you to get nothing to support your DC when you split and will actively seek to ensure this happens.

You did not have an equal relationship. You had a relationship where he was happy for this level of 'fairness'.

This isn't love or a relationship.

[springydaffs]

And some ppl have issues with spelling regardless of first language. So let's pack it in with the spelling observations.

I hope you're not softening Charleen. Read back through your thread. Don't fall for the sob story. He wants your free labour and he wants your money for his house. He had no intention of marrying you, just used your longing for commitment to control and bully you so he could use you to get what he wants as well as live the single life while you did the donkey work. He has completely used you.

[MrsFlorrick]

Another point I think you've missed is that I very much doubt he can actually buy a house without your deposit and salary!

Your part of the deposit would provide up to half. And your salary would provide approx £50ks worth of mortgage.

Essentially your income would enable him to get a house which is 1/3 more expensive than what he could on his own.

THIS is your power and opportunity to empower yourself.

Unless you're in a particularly cheap part of the UK, he probably can't afford to buy without you at all.

And given everything you've posted, I wouldn't buy with him or marry him. I'd ask him to leave.

If you start again on your own. You can work full time and he has to contribute equal share of child care costs and upkeep for DC. You could save for a house of your own then.

Just watch his face closely when you tell him your salary provides x amount of mortgage which he needs for "his" house and that you've changed your mind and you no longer want to commit to buying with him.

And when he rushes out to buy you that ring, don't accept. Tell him to go. He isn't interested in your relationship, just in it for himself.

And marriage. Well it's not security or emotional security unless both parties are committed. My mum has been married 4 times! My dad (first marriage), wasn't really interested so she chased him around and gave him an ultimatum. He married her but it clearly didn't last.

He was only interested in splitting the bills with someone and didn't really want marriage or children. Hence a bitter divorce and because he had set everything up to protect himself financially, mum got royally screwed over.

Take back control of your life now. Don't waste time.

[Joysmum]

I can completely understand his attitude to marriage given his history, but doesn't excuse his treatment of you. The two are distinctly seperate.

[definitelybutter1]

And what is his excuse about the whole money situation where he demands you pay half and then punishes you with threats if you don't save 'enough'?