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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/12/2015 20:56

He wants you to be successful but wants you doing the childcare and housework?
How is that loving?
Will he still be loving if you decide to go full time and share child and house duties? Ask for full financial disclosure and commitment?
Or it's loving because you just go along with it all?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/12/2015 20:56

Ah I see now that he didn't make the ring/baby remark until a month later.

So how come you went shopping for a ring, tried rings on, but came home without a ring?

Mince314 · 22/12/2015 20:58

I bet it always ends in an argument!!

Because any time you make a reasonable point, what can he do?

Given that his position is to relinquish nothing and not to budge an inch? Where does that leave him!? He can hardly sit there listening to you calmly and then acknowledge that you've made good points. So what he has to do is over react and start an argument with you in order to train you not to raise this issue. He is training you to put up and shut up and my x attempted to train me to put up and shut up as well in exactly the same way. Any time I made a very reasonable point he would bite the head off me and accuse me of thinking badly of him Confused

He wants you to be grateful that he's putting a roof over your head and supporting you but big deal. As soon as I left my x I was in the position to start investing in to my own future. It wasn't easy at first but by living very simply for a good few years I managed to save a decent sum and eventually I got a deposit on my own small place.

RiverTam · 22/12/2015 20:58

You have children but you have separate finances abd you fint know how much he earns? That's a big red flag.

Aside from that I just don't get these threads. If you want to be married then book the registry office, nab a couple of mates or even randoms off the street and get married. Why on earth anyone who already has DC with their DP needs to be engaged I can't think.

But I don't think I'd be getting hitched to this guy any time soon whatever.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/12/2015 21:00

He's even got his mum in on the act, dangling enough of a carrot to keep you there.

More fool you for fling ring shopping twice and both times leaving without a ring. And then choosing another baby if a ring was so important to you, especially as he had form for dodging the issue.

This man will never ever marry you.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 21:07

We do have a loving relationship

It doesn't sound like it to me Sad

Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:07

I do love him a lot so it's hard. And I know he loves me. He shows me all the time he loves me. It really is the commitment. My friends are both getting married in September and they know how much each other earns and he says she's money grabbing lol. He has done well with his life he was from a very large family with not much money just like mine so he's really made something of his life and he knows what he wants in life. I'm trying my hardest to to put money aside for a house to help him to his dreams but I don't feel the commitment in my dreams

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:09

No I didn't end up getting the ring as I was in two mind of the two I likes and his excuse was well keep looking but we never got that far

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/12/2015 21:10

If he does love you how is he prepared to leave if you don't get enough for a deposit in a house? And is happy for you to work part time with such demands?
How does he leave all work to you?
How doesn't he want you financially and legally secure should anything happen to him?

Costacoffeeplease · 22/12/2015 21:10

It does sound worse with every post - you don't know how much he earns, but it's more than you, and you still pay half the bills? And if you haven't saved half the deposit for a house, you'll have to split up? You've been ring shopping twice and still not got one?

Why are you still there? And what makes it a loving relationship? There isn't much to show it is so far

Lweji · 22/12/2015 21:11

His problems with commitment are beyond marrying you. And if he's not committed to you he doesn't love you.
He's happy while you play along his game, though.

Whatdoidohelp · 22/12/2015 21:12

Oooh he is playing you for a fool. You should never have become so involved or had kids with him. For me it would be ultimatum time.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:14

We get on. We have a laugh. I believe we're good together. We've worked through so many hard times. I do all the cleaning and cooking except days when I finish later from work he'll start dinner and get the kids to bed, he'll wash when o ask. But won't cook and wash lol. He'll Hoover around sometimes but will never do the full house as he only gets two days off!! On his two days his Saturday consists of going to the gym and going to get his hair cut. Going into town looking for things Going to get his car washed and what ever else he wants to do but does fit in a little family time .

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/12/2015 21:17

Why if you are doing 2 days of childcare so he is able to work are you paying half of the bills???

Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:17

When I mentioned about the deposit that that was cruel thing to say he said he was joking but I don't know what to believe. He's had the ultimatum last year and we was due a holiday in June and he said I wouldn't be getting one till after our holiday well look that's past too lol. but around hen month we wasn't on good terms and didn't get on so much but we've got through it and are better off

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 22/12/2015 21:18

OP you can tell me to mind my own business if you like but I have to ask - how much were each of the rings you couldn't decide on?

I do think it's relevant, especially as he is comparing the price of the rings to the cost of having a child which is bewildering really.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:19

Because he's done so much and payed so much in the past I believe I should pay half. It's only like fair the rings were roughly 900

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 21:21

He thinks your friend is money grabbing because she knows how much her partner earns?

"What ever else he wants to do but does fit in a little family time". Read that back to yourself.

Most people only get two days off, often both couples only get two days off.

He is playing you, controlling you, and will continue to do so. Him asking you to have another baby, which is what he did, because you say he knew what you would choose, is a way of having another child to control you with.

This is not healthy.

Lweji · 22/12/2015 21:22

So, around the deadline you weren't getting on. Why was that?
But then it passed, you shut up about marriage and you're on brilliant terms again.

What will happen if you demand a more equal financial division, or a greater contribution to housework?
What will he say if you ask about his finances?

How much child care does he do?

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 21:22

You told him he was cruel, he told you he was joking, but you both know he wasn't. This is a classic emotional abuse technique.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2015 21:23

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?.

I also wonder whether your love for him is actually rooted in an unhealthy co-dependency as well.

You were never really shown a decent example of what a loving relationship is when growing up so I do not think you know what a mutually loving and respectful relationship actually is. It certainly is not this particular model of one. Your own innate desire to create a family life, the one you never really had as a child, has really cost you an awful lot.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Think carefully about that and the two questions I pose to you above. From what you write your mother did not show you the best of lessons and therefore you've had no sound template or role model to work from. I think you are going to have to unlearn in time an awful lot of stuff from your past and that will need to be done through counselling. That is going to be a lot of hard work for you but I would urge you to do that.

What commitment has he shown you exactly?. Some men do find it very easy to walk away from their children; they are not the ultimate commitment by any means and nor is a mortgage. His commitment is basically to himself and to get his own needs met and at your overall expense. You've given it all to him and freely too. He's also basically threatened to get out if you do not come up with your share of the deposit towards a house. He sees his money as his and his alone; he does not want to share it with you and he will never make you his wife. Infact it would not surprise me at all that he goes onto marry someone else a lot younger also pretty quick (say within 12-18 months) after you and he part. He is not that into you.

His actions towards you are not loving ones; you have given practically all your power over to him in this relationship and these children likely have his surname as well. You in turn have no real security and no real relationship with him to speak of; the power and control here in this is really all his.

I also think you need to be apart from him now. Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships?.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:54

He has the children of he's off work and they are. We pay equally to the house. He also clearly stated I wouldn't be getting a ring for Xmas as he was trying to explain what he got me without saying it but said I haven't got u a ring so don't be thinking that. If I ask abou finances he says I don't need to know how much he earns and that he never wants to have mutual money what his is his really

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:55

I just keep thinking to myself he'll prove me wrong and I don't want to break the relationship over such a thing but it is important to me and I'm scared of the outcome on my children

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 21:58

Well the last argument ended about house and getting engaged. Was along the lines of when he can see I'm putting in effort to save for a house I would get a ring. This was months ago and I've saved a great deal so far he doesn't know how much I've saved but yes basically I've done what he wanted me to do to get what I want and still haven't got it. I just don't want to bring things up to prolong as if he was about too I'd ruin it

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/12/2015 21:59

Instead, he keeps proving you right...
And keeping you at arms length.
His money is certainly more important than you are. What does that mean to you?