Will he ever propose to me???

[Chareen92]

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

[springydaffs]

Cut it out!

[Chareen92]

I finally realised what it was about married. He's scared he said that to him marriage has always associated bad things. He don't know anyone who's stayed happily married except his nana and grandad. His mum married a few times and it never ends happy. Least I've finally got it out of him. And it wasn't me

[Goingtobeawesome]

It's another excuse. If he wanted to marry you he would have.

[Whyissheontheship]

It's definately not you, this guy has problems and it's not your job to solve them.

[franklyidontgiveadamscarlet]

Look he didn't love you enough to marry you.
He has made a excuse so you will let him stay.
If hes so scared of marriage then why did he live with you and have children.
Marriage is a legal contract.
You are living the same as being married just not the written paperwork.
He had to think of something so you would feel sorry for him and accept another reason to put up with him
Don't feel sorry for him he is a selfish ass
Nothing will change.

[Duckdeamon]

Why are you excusing his shitty treatment of you? That excuse sounds like one used deliberately in hope of sympathy. If he was so scared of marriage he shouldn't have had DC.

[DrMorbius]

A lot of people on here will look awfully small minded, mean and unkind (re:grammar) if Op and STBXP do not use English as their first language.

[Samantha28]

Chareen , it's possible to get many( but not all ) of the same legal protections as marriage by signing various legal agreements . Why don't you and your BF consult a lawyer, who can draw all these up for you ?

I think it will be much more expensive that marriage , as you don'tget much time with a lawyer for £60 . But I'm sure he won't mind paying , if he has an ideological problem with marriage but no difficulty in ensuring that you and his children have legal protection .

[Lweji]

Well, he has certainly tried all excuses until he hit one you were happy with.
Regardless of his excuse now about marriage, his whole behaviour in relation to you and family finances is grabby, selfish and shows he doesn't love you or respect your role in the family.
Has he addressed it yet, or will he eventually come up with an excuse you're happy with?

[Samantha28]

Sorry I've just checked and its £70 for a marriage license , not £60

[Sallyingforth]

He's found another excuse. There will be more along soon. Has he turned on the tears yet?
I don't see why you are still talking about marriage. Surely that's done with now.
His whole treatment of you has been selfish and greedy. That's the sort of man he is. Married or not, he will always treat you the same. Why should you want to stay with him now? Why do you want your children to grow up thinking that men should live off their unpaid women servants like this?
The longer you leave this, the more pain you will all suffer. Tell him to leave.

[51howdidthathappen]

I never married the father of my children, marriage wasn't for me, I never pretended otherwise.
I am sorry but he is dishonest. He is manipulating the situation, so he is the victim. Counting on your good nature.
Still calling the shots.

[definitelybutter1]

And what is his excuse about the whole money situation where he demands you pay half and then punishes you with threats if you don't save 'enough'?

[Joysmum]

I can completely understand his attitude to marriage given his history, but doesn't excuse his treatment of you. The two are distinctly seperate.

[MrsFlorrick]

Another point I think you've missed is that I very much doubt he can actually buy a house without your deposit and salary!

Your part of the deposit would provide up to half. And your salary would provide approx £50ks worth of mortgage.

Essentially your income would enable him to get a house which is 1/3 more expensive than what he could on his own.

THIS is your power and opportunity to empower yourself.

Unless you're in a particularly cheap part of the UK, he probably can't afford to buy without you at all.

And given everything you've posted, I wouldn't buy with him or marry him. I'd ask him to leave.

If you start again on your own. You can work full time and he has to contribute equal share of child care costs and upkeep for DC. You could save for a house of your own then.

Just watch his face closely when you tell him your salary provides x amount of mortgage which he needs for "his" house and that you've changed your mind and you no longer want to commit to buying with him.

And when he rushes out to buy you that ring, don't accept. Tell him to go. He isn't interested in your relationship, just in it for himself.

And marriage. Well it's not security or emotional security unless both parties are committed. My mum has been married 4 times! My dad (first marriage), wasn't really interested so she chased him around and gave him an ultimatum. He married her but it clearly didn't last.

He was only interested in splitting the bills with someone and didn't really want marriage or children. Hence a bitter divorce and because he had set everything up to protect himself financially, mum got royally screwed over.

Take back control of your life now. Don't waste time.

[springydaffs]

And some ppl have issues with spelling regardless of first language. So let's pack it in with the spelling observations.

I hope you're not softening Charleen. Read back through your thread. Don't fall for the sob story. He wants your free labour and he wants your money for his house. He had no intention of marrying you, just used your longing for commitment to control and bully you so he could use you to get what he wants as well as live the single life while you did the donkey work. He has completely used you.

[magoria]

OK OP

He has had time to think of an answer you might find acceptable. So I am going to C&P your entire post from a couple of days before Christmas.

Well I have my answer. Bear with the long post.

First mentioned a house and about his salary he didn't want to disclose this said it was his business and his money. I mentioned the fact we should share These things he disagrees and said when we buy a house he would pay more. Anyway I didn't want to but I mentioned about if he wanted to get married he said yes I told him I want to be married before we buy for security, he said a house is way more important than marriage but I mentioned I didn't want a big wedding or a ring now just to be married would be good enough. He still wants to save up for a house. Well he earns 28 1/2 a year so nearly double my wage. He said so basically I want all his money. And this isn't happening. And said if we split he would quit his job so he didn't have to give me all his money and can't understand as to why he would have to fork out all maintenance when we would get Child tax etc. And then the word came. All women are gold diggers always want all ur money. Again still saying marriage is not important to him. I mentioned if he passed me and th kids would be left with nothing and he said we wouldn't get anything if we wasn't on his will anyway, don't know if this is true or not. But yes o finally have my answer he's a spiteful utter prick who will do anything to not pay childcare. His words again why would I give I all my money to spend it on urself. Is he formal it would go towards bills and elec for the kids too. He just said he would buy them what they needed end off I wouldn't be getting any

This is nothing to do with him thinking marriage is crap and everything to do with him wanting all his money for him while you struggle.

Your relationship has already had the inequality of him spending £10k+ he had spare on a car while you had to get a loan for a £3k car.

He is happy for you and his DC to have nothing if it wasn't in his will. He is happy for you to get nothing to support your DC when you split and will actively seek to ensure this happens.

You did not have an equal relationship. You had a relationship where he was happy for this level of 'fairness'.

This isn't love or a relationship.

[IonaNE]

Chareen, this is just another excuse. His mother's relationships did not break down because she was married to those partners.

[Sum314]

That's nonsense. He's just found an excuse you can accept.

As pps said, if you went full time you'd be earning the same as him. so he wants your labour in the home for FREE

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I don't work for free and I don't see why you should. He is SUCH a twat. Sorry I'm not more eloquent but honestly. TWAT.

[tribpot]

Btw I noticed in his texts how he played on what I suspect is one of your deepest fears: turning into your mother. Married or not, if you leave this guy and go on to meet/marry another (and maybe have another child with him) you will feel (and he will remind you) that you are behaving like your mother.

Nobody has talked on this thread about marriage being 'better' than living together in terms of increasing the likelihood of the relationship not failing, but what it decidedly is better for is protecting the lower earning spouse where there are children involved.

[rainbowstardrops]

OP you are clearly desperate to cling onto anything that vaguely justifies why this 'man' doesn't want to marry you.

You are clearly desperate to know it's not because he doesn't love you. I get that. But this man has and is treating you appallingly! That's got nothing to do with his idea of marriage and everything to do with his idea of how to treat his 'partner'!

I obviously don't know either of you and maybe he has some fantastic redeeming features but from where I am, he's totally playing you. He's playing you because he wants a house. Sorry.

[Chareen92]

No I'm not sifting his expect ions of women are a lot more than I can give him he thinks I should be the wife that does everything for him like how women used to but needs to understand that happend because the women stayed at home while the men went out and brought all th money in. I bring money in too so yeah x

[NameChange30]

So have you decided what to do OP? Are you staying, going, trying to improve things?

[regenerationfez]

He doesn't want a wife at all! He's getting you to do everything now, including financing his house. Marriage isn't a magic wand. It's bloody hard to maintain. You need to do it with someone who respects you.