Will he ever propose to me???

[Chareen92]

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

[Costacoffeeplease]

I don't get why it had to be a ring or a baby? What was his reason for that?

[RedRainRocks]

What do you/he want more, the perfect proposal, the bling ring and the big wedding or to be married? It's just a piece of paper, but when you have a house and children together is a bloody handy one to have...

[Lweji]

It doesn't sound like a particularly loving or secure relationship. Sorry.

He doesn't seem to want to "share" his income, nor seems to be in it for the long run.

How do you work out the family finances?
What happens if he dies?

[wannaBe]

So if you end it how will your children's lives be any different to yours when you were growing up? don't project what your childhood wasn't on to your current situation. There are people on MN who will tell you to LTB no matter what. but the fact is that if it's only because of the lack of a proposal that you are considering leaving then you are setting yourself up for a difficult time ahead, and your children up for potentially unnecessary heartbreak all because of the lack of a ring. Be careful what you wish for.

I agree that marriage needs to be considered for financial reasons, however there are a lot of people who believe that marriage is just a piece of paper, and that if you' ex already committed to buy the house, having the kids, then marriage seems pointless.

You need to have a conversation with him which doesn't end in an argument. A rational conversation about what it is which prevents him from wanting to marry you. Tell him you want to understand why he doesn't want to get married. It doesn't need to be about a ring or an expensive wedding (tbh if you're saving for a house then I agree that money for that is more important than a wedding, but you can still get married in a registry office with a couple of witnesses).

Or is it that you do want the big wedding, and your financial priorities are different?

Also, if you're having arguments about a lack of proposal, then it's not exactly going to inspire him to want to propose is it? Talk to him.

[Lweji]

But it seems he's prepared to walk out over buying a house. Your children are not secure at all.

[Elizabethreallyismissing]

How are things set up at the moment? Are you renting jointly or in a mortgaged house you own together? Do you have a joint bank account? Where are all these savings going? A joint savings account or separate accounts? Please tell me you're not paying all your savings in to an account in his name!
Do you have wills in place?
On the information you 'be given this doesn't sound like an equal relationship!

[Mince314]

You can no longer afford to revolve your life around a man who has left you so financially exposed. You'd be better off on your own. What you could manage to save would be yours. Maybe (I hope) he'd pay some maintenance. If you could buy a house, it'd be yours and you wouldn't be at his mercy. Do it my way or I walk!

I agree with Lweji and pp, the relationship isn't secure. You can be the secure parent that your children need. I left when my children were young so that I could give them the stability of me knowing where I stood. Me thinking, enough of this shit, from now on, no bullshit, I'm putting me and my children first, that was security for them.

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

Costa I'd imagine that he gave her the choice due to money knowing she would choose the baby and would be too excited and would let the ring idea go.
To do it when op is actually trying rings on is in a new class of fuckery though.
It's not sounding as though the 2 of you are equal op, if you are always the one to sacrifice stuff or its always your fault or you are left feeling bad every time then there may be more complicated things going on...

[Mince314]

Ps, I do feel very sympathetic though. I remember feeling so crap when I was in these shoes (or similar shoes, cheap shoes, grudged to me)

[Mince314]

oh wow, he did that, while you were trying on rings he made you choose between marriage or a baby?

What a master stroke. Don't marry him.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Yes I get it, but how did he persuade you that a (not very expensive - in op's words) ring was an either/or to a baby? He does sound like a master-manipulator, sorry

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He sounds like a complete twat.
But equally, you don't have to wait for him to propose, or buy you a ring. If you want to get married than say so! Sit him down, make a plan and get on with it.if he stalls then you know he doesn't want to marry you.

[MidnightVelvetthe4th]

Apologies Costa didn't mean to mansplain...

[LuluJakey1]

Did I understand you- he said if you have not got enough money for half the deposit when he is ready to buy a house then he is dumping you? This is a man you have had two children with and been with for 6 years?

He does not love you.
He will not marry you.

You are mad to stay with him- can't you see it?

[Ughnotagain]

When I first clicked on this I was going to say "why don't you just propose to him?"

But actually, he sounds like a prize dickhead, op.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

" Like he's just said if I haven't got enough towards the deposit when he wants to buy a house then we can go our separate ways"

That is a truly vile thing to say to someone who has sacrificed her career to provide him with free childcare.

He's a user. Dump him.

[Lightbulbon]

From your update I don't think your relationship is sustainable.

Marriage/ring isn't the problem here.

This man does not see 'his' money as being 'family' money and that makes your dcs very vulnerable, married or not.

[AuntieStella]

Having an engagement ring will not give the OP the legal protection of marriage. He's not close to actual marriage, if he's stalling (for years) over an engagement ring.

OP: only you can decide how important being married is.

But if you choose to remain unmarried, do your research now about what this means (in terms of property staying with its legal owner pretty much regardless of other contributions to family life - that only makes a difference to the married; whether insurances/pensions pay out to non-marital partners etc; what would happen if he became seriously ill, died or left you) and if you are OK with a future on that basis.

[Chareen92]

He said the baby or the ring about a month after ring shopping. We are renting I don't know how much he earns but I know it's a good sallery as I knew his starting salary and he has had 2 pay rises some becoming part of the management team. We don't share income he doesn't tell me how much he gets he does go half on all bills and if the kids need anything he will go out and buy it. He has brought most of the house things so in a way I'm greatfull that he did support us when we needed it. I didn't have the money at the time so he booted the whol house out. No it's not about the ring for me it's the family unit having the same name as him and our children. I've tried to talk about it but it always ends in argument. He knows I want it I've told him that many times how important it is yet i don't feel like he does. Before I was a dental nurse I was a waitress and he was nagging about my career path as he said he want to be with a successful person. I've always wanted to be successful myself but just his words were mean. But just every day life he's comparing. I only work 3 days a week as have young children he works 5 goes to he gym ever night I do all the house work. He does help out more now but I can't be tired of I am he compares that he goes work X many days an I only do y many days regardless of all the house work but that's his opinion. We do have a loving relationship and I am happy I'm just missing one thing, the commitment

[Borninthe60s]

No

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

The fact he hasn't proposed isn't the issue here, OP. This is not a healthy, caring or equal relationship, and it will never be. He hasn't proposed because he won't. And a ring on your finger doesn't promise you or your kids the stability you're craving.

You need to seriously reconsider this relationship. Also consider accessing some therapy to work through the issues from your childhood, because they are impacting you now, and will continue to do so.

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Why could you have a baby or a ring but not both? Was it because of cost? Because in order to compare with the cost of having a baby, the engagement ring would have to have cost thousands of pounds.

Were you thinking of payment thousands for your engagement ring? Or a few hundred? (in which case it's easily affordable)

And to wait until you were in the shop looking at rings before telling you to choose is fucking nasty.

[R3alxmastr33]

Getting married does not have to cost much, nor does a ring, nor does a wedding

Marriage provides legal protection

Sorry, but I do not think that he is going to propose

[VoldysGoneMouldy]

OP this really sounds worse and worse the more you say

[Chareen92]

The price for me is not an issue but I do know from his mont her slipping up that he has expensive taste and he don't want to buy me a cheaper ring, he wants to buy me one I deserve. But I don't see it lol.