Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 31/12/2015 08:53

Hi OP, what's happened since? Are you ok?

Lweji · 31/12/2015 09:05

He certainly needs to understand a lot, but he's sufficiently grown up.
And you've lost a lot of leverage, as you already have his children, already do most of it and work part time.
But this is a man who CHOSE to take advantage of you while putting you down. You may get him to do what you'd like and understand that you deserve his respect, but be sure that he will be back to type as soon as he can.

Joysmum · 31/12/2015 09:21

But this is a man who CHOSE to take advantage of you while putting you down. You may get him to do what you'd like and understand that you deserve his respect, but be sure that he will be back to type as soon as he can

Well said. The moment he can begin the salami tactics (small slice by small slice) of reverting to type he will and you won't even realise it until those small slices have added up again Sad

Sallyingforth · 31/12/2015 10:24

Good morning Chareen. Thanks for coming back.
I do hope that he is not succeeding in weakening your resolve. It's tempting to think that you might change him, but after the years you have spent together that just isn't going to happen.
I very much hope that the new year will bring you freedom from this man and happiness with your full-time job. You have earned it.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 31/12/2015 13:23

I honestly don't know what to do, because I wasn't to be with him but at the same time I don't. It's so hard

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 31/12/2015 13:45

He needs to leave so you can think about your future with out him sulking in the background.

NameChange30 · 31/12/2015 13:58

You could read Should I stay or should I go? by Lundy Bancroft.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about this - a supportive friend or family member?

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 15:43

Chareen, I posted on this thread earlier with a slightly different name so I hope you remember me.

Here are some questions and dreams that helped give me clarification.

If a magic time fairy offered to come along and press fast forward on your life, one year ahead, and you came up for air on the 2nd January 2017 what would you say? yes fairy or no fairy Imagine, he is gone, your house is so tidy. All of your friends and relatives had been told it's no longer hard to talk about it. You've invited friends over to what is now your place. You've taken on a few extra hours, to your amazement, your only regret is that you didn't do it sooner............. would you take a deep breath and come for air on the 2nd January 2017??? Because if the answer is yes, then that means that you have your answer you're just afraid of change. And that makes you NORMAL.

Change is really hard.

Let me tell you something else that is so contradictory. The very anaesthetic required to stop you questioning the inequality, the side effect is that it prevents you from saying fuck this I'm off. Because you're anaesthetised. It helps you in the short term. Ie, it helps you tolerate the fucking bullshit on an hour to hour basis. But one hour slips in to another hour and then you've wasted your one precious life because you were anaesthetised.

xx

NoMore314 · 31/12/2015 15:45

oh ps. shortly before I left my x I had a dream that I was dying. In the dream, even though I was devastated to be dying because I wanted to LIVE, there was also a tiny part of me in the dream thinking 'at least I can leave him now' ( I had an acceptable reason Also, I knew he wouldn't look after me when I was dying). Dreadful dream obviously. But when I woke up, I shuddered and then I felt relief that I wasn't dying, and then [light bulb] I realised, I can leave him anyway.

Sallyingforth · 01/01/2016 14:43

Hi again Chareen.

I think you should read through your own posts again.
If a friend said to you things like:

-There always seems to be some excuse
-he knows how important marriage is to me
-My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising
-I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine.
-he thinks I should be the wife that does everything for him like how women used to
-he brought an 11,000 pound car and I also got a loan out to buy myself a 3000 car as mine was a danger zone.
-he told me if I didn't come up with above money by the time he wanted to buy a house then we can go out separate ways

would you advise your friend to carry on living with the guy in the vain hope that he might one day change the habits of a lifetime and become a husband in a genuinely sharing marriage?

magoria · 01/01/2016 15:02

-he told me if I didn't come up with above money by the time he wanted to buy a house then we can go out separate ways

This one is so telling.

What he has basically said is if you don't save enough money for me to buy a house when I want to you can fuck off.

Where is the love?

Where is the planning your future together?

Where is your input into when you want to buy a house?

There is only one gold digger here.

MaybeDoctor · 16/01/2016 08:51

How are you doing, Chareen?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page