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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
More314 · 25/12/2015 21:26

That's how it went for me... hence the 'me' in my post.

More314 · 25/12/2015 21:29

oh, and if he knows you're getting support from strangers on the internet he will warn you you're being groomed by a bunch of sad lezbionic feminazis with no lives.

Brew
NA200712 · 25/12/2015 21:37

Your such a strong person. Your wasting your life with a selfish boy when you would be much happier on your own. He doesn't want to share his life with you by the sounds of it he's materialistic and selfish. I hope you and your kids have had a brilliant Christmas!

Goingtobeawesome · 25/12/2015 21:45

Why do men think marriage is more of a commitment than having children? Are there really so many arseholes that just don't see their child as important?

Original poster
Chareen92 · 25/12/2015 22:04

We've already got past the nice stage. Now we have whatever do what u want ur being pathetic

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/12/2015 22:07

Reply being Nothing from you?

That's putting you back down in your place. It worked before, didn't it?

More314 · 25/12/2015 22:08

Ah right......... :-/ Brew well, at least you know that it's irritation and frustration behind his ''campaign'' to get you back.

Stay as strong as you can. He won't make it easy for you. But let that make you more determined.

springydaffs · 25/12/2015 22:12

Wanting emotional and financial security is being pathetic?

He's the master of pathetic on the last one then

More314 · 25/12/2015 22:14

@goingtobeawesome, in my experience, they feel entitled to love their child whilst making none of the financial sacrifice. It's quite simple to them really. Your labour is worth less in terms of income and your time is worth less too. Worth less and worthless. This is how they see it. The irony is, although the ''you are a bad mother'' will inevitably come, they know deep down - although they'll never verbalise it - that you are in fact an exceptional mother - doing 90% of the childcare and bearing 90% of the financial sacrifice of parenthood. I don't mean to be trite but I hope that this explains the mindset. I no longer find it hard to fathom.

Viviennemary · 25/12/2015 22:40

I think it's about time women said no wedding ring no children. In fact I believe a lot of younger women are already saying that. And not before time.

usual · 25/12/2015 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

More314 · 25/12/2015 23:12

That's great Usual. Not the point on this thread though.

usual · 25/12/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 26/12/2015 00:09

The point to the thread here: To secure your own future and not be left out at the end when it all goes down.

Lweji · 26/12/2015 00:21

Are you financially abused, usual?

Want2bSupermum · 26/12/2015 03:22

Well neither I or DH have a wedding ring but we are married. I was never going to buy a house or have children without that legal protection.

usual did you miss the bit where the OPs OH refuses to contribute a fair amount to the upkeep of the home. She is working 3 days a week to his 5 hence her income being 60% of his yet he expects her to match him £ for £! He has also dragged his heels regarding getting married. If he loved her he would want to make her happy and provide security for his DC that marriage does offer.

I don't often say leave but if he isn't willing to provide for his DC why should the OP stick around. She would be far better off kicking him out after she has increased her hours. Right now she is doing it on £15k when working FT would bring in £25k.

As I've said up thread, there is a possibility that he comes to his senses. If he does I think it's important to be open to that. I know my DH thought we could just move in together without being engaged. When I said I wanted a proposal and a date set before moving in together he was a bit she'll shocked but 24hrs later we were engaged. DH is Danish and cohabitation is extremely common, I would say more common than marriage from what I have seen in DHs work, family and friends.

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2015 06:59

Hope you're doing ok OP? Flowers

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 07:39

I'm doing ok thanks ladies. I do keep coming here and reading past comments to keep my head straight

OP posts:
Truckingalong · 26/12/2015 08:32

Remember to withdraw all labour too. Do not cook, wash, iron or do anything else domestic for him from this moment on.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 10:03

Well his attitude has changed again this morning. Seems more angry because I refused to still go to the family gathering we go two every year to see his family. He's got ready and gone out. He was ment to take the kids but think he's gone without.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2015 10:06

He was supposed to take the kids but hasn't??? Presumably because you won't be there to look after them! What an absolute wank stain?!

Just keep reminding yourself that this sort of behaviour is what you'll be missing. He's an idiot.

SecretBondGirl · 26/12/2015 10:21

Sadly on a logistical basis is far easier to just walk out if you're not married even if you have dcs together. Financially you have no claim for maintenance ( though you can for dcs), pension, savings and house if its solely in his name. Not being married makes you financially vulnerable especially if you are a SAHM or working part time to fit round the dcs and your career is on hold.

regenerationfez · 26/12/2015 10:30

usual If both parties agree that they don't want to be married and put into place financial protection for their family, all is good. If a woman (and it usually is) is reduced to begging the father of her children to marry her and put in place basic security measures for the benefit of their family, that is not good. Having children is a commitment to the children. It is not necessarily a commitment to the other parent of those children.

SanityClause · 26/12/2015 10:33

Gaaah! Read the thread, people!*

Chareen is actually in a brilliant financial position, as she works part time, in quite a well paid job, that would be even better paid if she could up her hours.

She lives in a house that is rented from her family member.

She has savings, because her STBXP has insisted that he will not buy a property with her, if she doesn't contribute to the deposit, so she has been saving for that.

Chareen, your STBXP is clearly following More's X's pattern. You could play bingo, if you felt up to it. Wink

*Obviously not aimed at those who have done, and have given wonderful help and advice!

Duckdeamon · 26/12/2015 10:36

Have you asked him to leave very soon OP? (Since presumably you'll be staying in the accommodation rented from your family).

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