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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 19:21

Just read up on co dependency relationships it's states that "Anyone can become codependent. Some research suggests that people who have parents who emotionally abused or neglected them in their teens are more likely to enter codependent relationships." This sounds so me my mum chucked me out the house so many times as a teenager because of her partners
Maybe this is y I've always craved a stable relationship that lead to marriage

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 19:22

I just think it's normal to want marriage.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 19:24

She always said I wouldn't go nowhere in life because I was a hard teenager to deal with the only excuse I have for that is that I never had a great teenage life because my mum had small children so would always need help and I was only aloud out 1-2 times a week and even then it was only for 4 hours maximum.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 19:40

It seemed like her partners were more important?

Baconyum · 26/12/2015 19:41

Only posted once very early on but been following and you've had very good advice (ignoring usual).

But re

No I know he wouldn't do that to a house his kids have to live in

Don't underestimate him. My ex thought nothing of emptying the bank account leaving me with no money for food/toddler essentials. Amongst other things. I've also heard of several instances of exes left in the family home wrecking it and/or removing items of value Inc things like washing machines.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 20:34

Is he home yet Chareen? Don't take any nonsense or nastiness from him.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 20:46

He is, he's being fine, just normal convo no nastiness . Acting like everything is normal. I think he's doing it to make me feel it and give in I'm Not sure

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 20:49

Are you still wanting to leave him?

usual · 26/12/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 21:10

Is that a dig at me usual? For my entertainment? Chareen is in a very similar situation to what I was in and if you read the thread you can see that I'm trying to offer support from experience.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 21:11

And I'm not telling her what to do!

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 21:12

I feel I need too. For me. If Uve read my past comments he first took me ring shopping nearly 5 years ago and he's now took me twice and still come out with nothing. He knows how much it means to me. And the fact he wanted me to save for a house and I started saving straight away. If anything the ladies have shined some light at the end of the tunnel. He's on double what I'm on and I still pay halfs to house. While he saves God knows how much. He's took for granted and also the fact that he other night he told me if I didn't come up with above money by the time he wanted to buy a house then we can go out seperatw ways. Now if that's not selfish I don't know what is

OP posts:
Baconyum · 26/12/2015 21:17

Usual seriously? I don't think anyone has told her to do anything! Just given the benefit of their/our own experiences, advised and supported. Whereas you seem to want her to stay in an emotionally and financially abusive situation where the likelihood is that she will become more vulnerable as time goes on! Lots of posters have advised things like communicating to him that their relationship needs to be equal. He has not been open to that.

usual · 26/12/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 26/12/2015 21:50

He is a piece of shit. He treats you with no respect whatsoever. He is utterly controlling and selfish.

I won't apologise for saying that I think the OP should LTB. OP it sounds like you have decided to end it and I think you're completely right.

On a practical note, look up child tax credits and the child maintenance agency. I wouldn't be surprised if you were financially better off without him - you probably won't be worse off.

It's not just the practical side, though - how you feel is so important. Would you consider doing counselling or the Freedom Programme? I think it could help you recover from the negative influences of your childhood and avoid toxic relationships like this in future.

Do you have any supportive friends or family members you can talk to in real life about this? (Not your mum, presumably. And not his mum, I hope!)

Sum314 · 26/12/2015 22:05

I am telling the OP to value herself. Dreadful advice that................

Some couples live happily and equally and securely without being married but that is not the situation here. So I don't take back anything I said either.

IonaNE · 26/12/2015 22:06

Chareen, I have just read the whole thread and have come from being more and more horrified as I was reading your posts to admiring you for becoming a woman with proper self-respect. Congratulations! Flowers

Pls go to a CAB (Citizens Advice Buro, Google the nearest one to where you live) and talk through with them what benefits, tax credits etc. you are entitled to. It is probably more than you thought - you should be ok financially.

It would be helpful if your uncle, who owns the house you are in, could help you get him out (come round and tell him face-to-face; or another (preferably male) family member). Once he's gone this time, you need to have the locks changed. Also make sure that when it's his turn to see the kids, he does not do it at your house, but wherever he is moving to.

And just a final comment: he is saving for a deposit and has bought himself a £11,000 car? Really?

Sum314 · 26/12/2015 22:08

by the way, I'm very very very glad that randoms on the internet gave a microphone to all the doubts and voices that were already in my head. If you're not married and you're financially secure and happy then this thread is not about you.

Sum314 · 26/12/2015 22:10

"And just a final comment: he is saving for a deposit and has bought himself a £11,000 car? Really?"

and not only that, chareen had to take out a loan to buy hers. So he could have spent three k less on his car and given her three k to buy a car but he couldn't even do that. wow. he is a leech.

tribpot · 26/12/2015 22:12

I'm still baffled by the trips to 'go ring shopping' (he clearly has no intention of buying one). I thought going ring shopping meant you both went but you chose the ring you liked, within a reasonable budget? It seems like in his mind he would choose a ring he liked if he found one, I'm unclear as to why you had to go. You could have given him your ring size and saved yourself a trip, esp as the whole thing was just to mess with your head.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 22:14

These are the last messages he sent me u can all see he's saying things to please me

Will he ever propose to me???
Will he ever propose to me???
OP posts:
tribpot · 26/12/2015 22:21

I'd sack him off for using the word exaggerate when he clearly can't spell it (poss not the greatest issue in your relationship, I accept).

Well, yes - he's saying all the things you would expect. Getting married is a 'big deal' (and having a child isn't?), you're pushing him, you haven't been saving (er, how would you when you've been funding his life?), it has to happen when he says so, and of course, the classic - you'll never find anyone else.

Are these things which are 'meant to please' you? Seriously? He's not even being nice. He's just saying it's all your fault. To which the reply is "whatever, you've been served notice to leave the house, the child support amount is [x], please confirm you will be paying that as a private arrangement to save us both the expense of the CMS".

Sum314 · 26/12/2015 22:23

Wow. Just read his texts.

two things come to me immediately. The first comment is so nasty "good luck finding somebody else". Wow. Does that sound like a man who feels lucky to have you? A man who values you?! No. It does not, and he wonders why you're bailing now.

I'd stop bothering to mention marriage now. Just focus on getting him to leave the rented home that is your great uncles.

You had your agenda, which was to be part of a team and to have security and to be loved. Your needs weren't being met, so you don't have to stay with him.

His texts make it clear that he doesn't value you but is still going to do his level best to make you feel obliged to stay with him, and to mock you for wanting security.

He doesn't get to hold on to ALL of the security, whilst mocking you for wanting a different type of relationship.

Chareen, I wouldn't even bother arguing about it anymore. He will never acknowledge that he has been unfair to you. Just keep saying ''you're not what I want, this isn't working for me, I can't afford you, I can't afford this life".

Just keep repeating the same drippinng tap statements. Do not get drawn in to any court case style trials. Where he makes you justify your decision to end the relationship over this issue.

To hell with his oint with the house.

NameChange30 · 26/12/2015 22:28

I would be wary of getting fixated on the issue of engagement and marriage. Clearly that's important to you but I don't think it's even the biggest problem in the relationship. It's symptomatic of his bigger lack of respect for you, lack of commitment and lack of willingness to provide security by sharing finances. His horrific attitude that "all women are gold diggers" (what the ACTUAL fuck?!) will poison any relationship he has. He is cruel and nasty, as shown by his comment about finding someone else. Fucking fuckwit.

Lweji · 26/12/2015 22:32

He is not saying things to please you!

He's saying getting married is a sign of getting old and good luck finding someone else. And "you need to relax".

That's twat territory.

If you think that's pleasing you, then you have really lost perspective on what to expect from a loving partner.