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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/12/2015 22:35

You have decided on what is the best course to you. You have given him many chances for a fair relationship. You are now giving him a chance to show that he is respectful of you by respecting your wishes.

You really don't need to enter a discussion or explain why you want out. And the least to and fros the better. You can only end up hurting each other more.

Why don't you suggest he moves out and then you both go for a few counselling sessions to find the best way to separate, considering the children?

Sum314 · 26/12/2015 22:37

Yes, don't get fixated on the ring or the engagement now. Just fixate on what you've faced up to. That he isn't a fair or a generous man, and he isn't a man who values you the person you are, or the contributions you've made.

It can be a relatively private realisation you've had here, he's not the person you can share a life with after all. His unwillingness to recognise your contributions brought this in to sharp focus but really the main point is that you've realised that he's not a generous decent kind man. And you can't hope to gain anything by telling him "you're not a good man, you're not a decent person". Just private know it. He can't make you be in a relationship with him. If you need assistance getting him out of the house then call upon that.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/12/2015 00:18

I was wondering about the choice between the ring and the second baby. Chareen , were you already pregnant when he gave you the choice? Was he implying you'd be shamefully materialistic if you chose the ring? He likes to shame you, imho...this is a mechanism to keep a superior stance/control over you.

springydaffs · 27/12/2015 00:21

OMG! He thinks you're LUCKY to have him!!

He certainly is the big I Am isn't he. Big JOKE more like.

Your 'crime' - what makes you 'stupid' - is you don't get how lucky you are! He's been trying to teach you all along! All that slogging to save a deposit for HIS house! That 'if you don't contribute more money to the deposit you're out'! What a JOKE!

Btw I found looking at codependency very helpful, crucial, when disentangling from an abusive man. A real eye-opener.

And this comment tribpot I'd sack him off for using the word exaggerate when he clearly can't spell it is offensive.

springydaffs · 27/12/2015 00:24

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? Google it Chareen, click 'find a course', contact the facilitator, get on it as soon as! It'll open your eyes big time.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/12/2015 00:43

"Getting married is a sign of getting old"
First time I have ever heard that one. So forcing marriage will make him feel old and trigger a midlife crisis, the consequences of which will be all your fault. What a piece of work.

He is a confirmed bachelor. Nothing is going to change that.

You are doing the right thing, imho. The intelligence and energy and thoughtfulness that comes through your posts, Chareen , shows you will absolutely thrive without him.

Baconyum · 27/12/2015 03:46

My mother has spent 40+ years with a violent abusive alcoholic in part because she's been told repeatedly 'you'll never get anyone else'. She's in her 60's now and isn't interested in men frankly but when she was younger it was bullshit!

It's bullshit in your case too. Regardless as pp have said what it indicates is that he thinks he's better than you, 'a catch'. He couldn't be further from the truth.

Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 07:40

If you think those twattish, nasty texts and comments about you are him trying to PLEASE you, your twat radar needa re-setting!

"If you can't wait for me": "you're pushing me". Because after 2 DC and subsidising him you're SO unreasonable to want fair financial arrangements and legal protection! And lucky that he still wants you! Tosser.

I bet if you raised his (cold, selfish) unfair actions over money (we still don't know how much he has in the bank having saved up while you subsidise him) he would simply call you a golddigger again.

IrishDad79 · 27/12/2015 08:12

"egsaduarate"? Really?

And this guy is in a well-paid job?

Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 08:27

The spelling is shocking but that's the least of his issues!

A dyslexic ex spelled it like that! (He too had a good job!)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2015 08:27

He is really throwing his toys out of the pram now isn't he.

He sent you all that self serving crap in a text message; he could not even be bothered to have a phone conversation with you. This is further evidence of his true grabby nature.

BTW Chareen are his parents still together, what are they like?. Did his dad instil in him this thinking that all women are gold-diggers. That belief came from somewhere.

Learningtoletgo · 27/12/2015 08:28

This guy is telling you who he is and what's important to him. You need to listen.

Kids are a bigger commitment than marriage. Marriage means financial responsibilities. He doesn't want that.

Good luck finding anyone else. A calculated move to damage your self esteem. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would do that to you?

He's trying hard to play you again. Get you back in the nice little box he had you in where he fed you scraps of hope to keep you in line.

Keep going OP you've seen the light at the tunnel just keep following it!

Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 08:29

He basically wants you to be grateful he still wants you and STFU indefinitely about marriage (all in his own time) and anything to do with money.

Suddenlyseymour · 27/12/2015 08:56

For the kack of spelling alone.....tgat would drive me BATSHIT!

Samantha28 · 27/12/2015 09:07

He spells like my dyslexic 9 year old

Goingtobeawesome · 27/12/2015 09:42

I suspect he said its over if you don't save enough (as he doesn't expect you to be able too) as it is actually what he wants and he can say he did warn you Hmm.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/12/2015 09:45

IME (engaged a few times) if a man wants to marry you he makes it happen. The day DH proposed he told me he wanted to set a date straight away and didn't want a long engagement. We were married nine months later.

Inmybackyard · 27/12/2015 09:59

The thing that shocks me is how little he values parenthood. Marriage is a big deal and for old people but having children isn't? He treats your children like a throwaway act. I mean, he even bartered his way out of ring shopping with a promise of a baby.

And what he's too stupid to realise is how much this undermines his social climbing. My interpretation of the illiterate texts is that he wants to buy a house as his family was dysfunctional and looked down on. And yet he's casually had what could be the first of many kids with a woman he's not even married to.

And "good luck finding someone else". Nice to know how he really sees you. This is not a man who values you, but you knew that or he'd have proposed by now.

scarlets · 27/12/2015 11:36

He sees you as disposable, temporary. Please take steps to leave him. He's not a good role model for your DC. It'll be tough at first but you'll get through it. Take care.

Lweji · 27/12/2015 13:24

At this point you could be running two separate Bingo cards. One for excuses not to agree now to get married. The other on reactions to being dumped. See which one gets filled first.

Sum314 · 27/12/2015 13:27

yes! he's not happy about either is he? He just wants everything his way.

I think you'll be calling out "full house" twice Chareen.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/12/2015 15:14

"Good luck finding someone else"
Answer:
There are worse things than being alone

IonaNE · 27/12/2015 17:32

"getting married is a sign of getting old" ?! Shock
"good luck finding someone else"?! Shock Shock
Chareen, this guy never had the intention of marrying you.

bluebell34567 · 27/12/2015 23:00

Chareen, you are very lucky that you are not married to him, good job he didn't go there, it was good for you.
If married and realised what kind of man he is it would be so hard to divorce.
Count your lucky stars.

springydaffs · 27/12/2015 23:10

Cut it off with the jibes about spelling, folks. It's offensive.

HE'S offensive, certainly, but his, or anyone's, spelling is irrelevant.