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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 10:49

I think I'll still be sticking to part time as the extra childcare would be a killer but once my son starts school I'm conciderint full time and wan To progress my career as a dental hygienist which would be the startin Sallary of what he's on now. Let He future begin 😊

OP posts:
iloveruby · 26/12/2015 10:59

Brilliantly positive post Chareen92! The future is yours and you'll achieve things you never thought possible now that you are no longer putting your dreams on hold for his!

MaybeDoctor · 26/12/2015 11:27

Can you speak to your uncle asap to get his agreement/support in asking him to leave?

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 11:41

He's not on the tenancy anyway so should be ok well no doubt he'll be bk tonight I might go stay at my mums till he gets the hint. And he will go then he did last time

OP posts:
NettleTea · 26/12/2015 11:48

dont forget that working tax credits will help with the childcare - it used to be 70% of it, but expect that may have changed since I last claimed any.
And he will need to pay child maintanance, which if they stay 1 or 2 nights a week (so maybe 1 night midweek, plus every other weekend) is approx £75 per week, going up to £88 per week if he can only manage the every other weekend bit.
Child maintanance is also not counted when they are working out any calculations for means tested benefits, such as housing benefits, tax credits, council tax, etc.
you can get a reduction in council tax as well, as soon as he leaves, as a single occupant

NettleTea · 26/12/2015 11:52

I would recommend getting the ball rolling regarding child maintanance so that he doesnt use it as a way to control you, given that money is such an important thing in his life.

you could try to get him to set up a monthly standing order for £325/£381 (weekly amount x 52 then divided by 12 months) to give him the benefit of doing it voluntarily. If not get CMS on his case asap. If he times the payments to come out the day after he gets paid then he cannot say he cant afford it.

NettleTea · 26/12/2015 11:54

Here is the link for childcare payments

LionHeartedWoman · 26/12/2015 12:18

Don't leave him in the house unattended. He may decide to damage the property given situation.

You're doing great!

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 13:28

No I know he wouldn't do that to a house his kids have to live in X

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 15:33

Well he ended up taking the kids. So I'm having a very chilled out blissful day. A little time for myself 😊 No doubt he'll be going out tonight as its what he always does and will try make me believe he's flirting so I react to it but ey Ho I'll turn my phone off

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/12/2015 15:52

Great that his name is not in the tenancy. Just text or email him that he has X time to leave. You may need documentary evidence that you have given him a deadline and of the date of the separation.

Unless you're afraid of him I wouldn't leave the house. I'd just move his stuff to a guest bedroom or give him bedding to sleep on the sofa.
Make sure his name is not on any bills and if so, change them all to your name.

I'd bet he's telling people you're ill, which is why he took the children.
Otherwise he'll be showing how a great father he is not and accusing you of money grabbing.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 16:00

Well done for being strong! Will he be expecting you to stick by your plans? Have you split before?

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 16:04

We have but for like a day and he's always got his way bk in. In the first conversation normally bit we've had 3 so far and I'm still going strong I'm not giving in this time is for good and o think he sees it this time because he's trying and trying and telling me everything I want to hear and saying he did want to get married etc. He's told everyone I'm cleaning but his dad asked y I wanted t going and I told him straight because we broke up

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 17:02

Get you! Keep going, you should be very proud. Here's to your new life.

I was in a very similar position to you 3 years ago. My life is so so much better now.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 17:19

Thanks Hun. I hope mine plans out the same. It is very hard at the beginning just hope it will get easier X

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 17:33

If you can't see a future together it's for the best. There's only so much trying you can do. It will get easier, I promise. As long as you're sure you're doing the right thing, you sound it. Just think of all the confidence you'll get back, you'll be happier, maybe your kids will be too.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 17:43

Thanks Hun. I feel like I need to even though I still do love him. Like everyday things I think was normal till I came on here and all the things he does it not normal I've just been under his spell

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 18:32

Manipulators are very clever. Mine was similar. You tend to believe things they say and do because love is blind. What's your next plan of action?

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 18:46

Get him out and move on with my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 18:49

Even though will be hard because we have kids

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/12/2015 19:01

Yes it will be hard but a new life for you and your children is well worth having. He has had you on a string for many years.

You've had a svengali/muse relationship; this was never a mutually loving and respectful relationship. That has also happened partly because no-one ever bothered to show you what that is actually like. Read up on co-dependency in relationships as well and see how much of that has fitted in with your own behaviours.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 19:02

Try and stay as amicable as you can. We are great now and the kids respect and have come to terms with the split. It was hard at first and he hated me for a while. I'm not saying it'll be the same for you but be prepared. They'll understand in the long run.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 19:04

You're in a better position than me. We both owned the house and refused to go so we did.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 26/12/2015 19:13

Ah I've done that before and he didn't allow me to go so he did

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/12/2015 19:16

Good you're not going to let him back.