Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

good idea lemonade! well, last night i had the 'honour' of being intimate with dh. he must have felt sorry for refusing me earlier or he just fancied it. whatever the reason it happened, and to prove women are never satisfied, i'm still not entirely happy because it just isn't how it should be/ used to be anymore and can't seem to change things myself.

Well we managed to "get it together" last night for the first time in a few weeks - usually both too tired. Right in the middle of it, our door bangs open and DD climbs under the duvet. Bit of a passion killer. She never EVER wakes up and comes into our bed that time in the evening - usually early hours! Bloody typical.

Branster - I know how you feel. Perhaps you could engineer it so that you are in physical contact more often. Perhaps sit together on the sofa. Maybe one watching tv, the other reading, not necessarily having to do exactly the same thing together.

My dh used to sit in a single chair in front of the tv every night, remote control in one hand. He'd never consider the fact that his taste isn't mine, and I can't even understand his native language, and it used to frustrate me to have to ask him to put the English subtitles on so that I could follow the programme, too. Now I ALWAYS spend every evening in a different (uncomfortable) room, only popping in to take him a cup of tea. He's still there, remote control beside him!

Perhaps your dh likes a slow burn and the fact that it was clearly on offer earlier in the evening last night got him thinking about it and then it was easier to do it? Did he initiate it the 2nd time?

Do you go out together without your child/ren? It was and is difficult for us to do this as we're so far away from our families. I have babysat for another couple, but their youngest played up so much it was a nightmare and they took advantage in other ways.

I'm finding this hard. It's easier to ignore the problem than address it. I think I wish I'd told him to leave and live by himself for a while, years ago. He might have woken up to reality and it may have saved our relationship.

This is hard. It shouldn't be like this.

Sandyballs - Kids, eh!

that's one of the major problems here, lemonade. He refuses phisical contact apart from strictly when he's in an intimate ituation with me , that is in bed almost all the time unless i catch him downstairs and insist on it. He just doesn't enjoy all the just touching up stage, cuddless, kisses etc. and yes, invariably he's always watching tv on his own now because i rarely enjoy watching what he does. evrytime i try and snuggle up to him on the sofa he just brushes me away. i often think i shouldn't be the one doing all the trying, a woman likes to be persued, he should be the one begging me as it were. others would. and even when we're intimate, he doesn't touch me that much, and it's all a bit too quick for my liking. i really long for him touching me slowly, from my toes to my head, as far as he's concerned, he limits to one area only and kissing. it's just not working and that's it by the looks of it. and i do wonder how will i put up with it for the rest of my life. i don't want to elave him, he will never leave me. on the outside we are this picture perfect couple, but i know it's just not working, ther's no real closness and no encouragment from him. he just feels so unavailable and unaproachable all the time...

yes, he initiated it the 2nd time. as far as free time is concerned, evenings are just for us, dd is sound asleep by 7.30pm until the morning. sometimes, when we went out (in reality we've never been out just on our own, but with friends) i was thinking of driving him to some remote area on the way and surprise him, but he just feels so cold towards me i never had the courage to do it. i wrote him a very steamy letter last year and put it in his briefcase to find. he just ridiculed me for it. i felt so embarresed and stupid for it, i threw it away. it was hard enough putting things down on paper about how much i want him and what i would like us to do, and he was just not impressed at all. i don;'t feel like his wife anymore, like he's proud to have me on his arm, he doesn't praise me or anything like that, i just feel like a helper around the house. and i often compliment him on how good he looks etc , he never returns the compliments.

Branster - So sorry for you. It's a repetition of my history. Within the 1st year of our marriage I did something similar to your letter and it backfired and I felt shamed. I couldn't believe that he was so uninterested. There were so many guys in college wanting to go out with me, and there's him, not interested. One of my friends has a husband who is the same as ours. I'm afraid she tells people which is terrible for those of us who know him personally and professionally. I haven't said it so far as I try to protect my identity, but as I've changed my nickname I can say it. DH and I work in the same organisation. So many people know us. In a work 'do' if I introduce myself to someone, they hear the surname, are taken aback and sit up straight and think hard before they speak. That doesn't help. I wish I'd left the organisation when we married. God, what a mess.

Can you go out together somewhere you'll be noticed and admired? He needs to see you as others see you. What do you think?

thanks for your support lemonade. did i understand correctly, or do people at work know of your personal situation? as it were, talk about it behind your back? not nice at all. i've never talked about my own personal life to anyone and have no intention of doing so, here i feel ok to talk about it because none knows me. he doesn't actually seem to notice if other men pay me compliments, or admire me in any way. i think he's convinved he's got the cat in the bag (is this the right expression??) and he just doesn't bother anymore. he'd be absolutely shocked if i was interested in anyone else and he probably imagines that since i'm at home all day there's absolutely no danger of me meeting anyone interesting. in reality, that is not so, and i was so close to having an affaire last year, so thre's always going to be that risk, but he doesn't think taht's at allpossible. well, i guess that thought us both not to write romantic letters anymore!

and another thing i've remembered. first time we went out to a 'do' together after having dd, i went to great lenghts to look nice, and although i say so myself, i did look fantastic. he was irritated by some minor thing (getting there on a cab) and he didn't even glance admiringly at me , let alone comment on how nice i looked. although i did tell him he looked incredibly hansome all dressed up and smelling great. such a letdown

What can I say? No intimacy in our relationship, it's vanished as life has become harder, we've had more responsibilities, and as my DW has fallen out of love with me. Now we argue and sulk and I cry.

I suppose the question is which came first, but if she started to get close to me I wouldn't know what to do, and I'd be wondering why she had suddenly changed her mind.

No one has a right to sex, just as, I suppose, no one should expect to be loved forever. I'm just a bloke, very ordinary, not at all attractive, probaly not that good in bed (I havn't had many "lovers", so when love dies, why should I expect closeness?

This sounds like a big long moan, and I suppose that in part it is, but the world around us tries to have us believe that everone is happy and fulfilled because they are having close, intimate loving and passionate sex, and the truth, or at least my reality, is somewhere else. I admit I could use a hug now and then, but maybe I should try to grow up and learn to cope on my own.

It was suggested I could offer something from the perspective of the unloved (any interpretation you fancy of that word) partner, but I don't know what to say, as these are feelings that there are only so many words for - maybe, if anyone has any questions, i can help someone before they get to the state I am in.

please allow me to disagrre with you slightly reallyembarrassedbut, but in my opinion if you need, want and feel would bring you joy, then you should have the right to sex. obviously only with a willing partner. It's such a basic function really, i can't understand why not everybody has a strong enough desire for it (unless ofcourse medical problems, or psychological are in the way). it's one of the most natural acts and it makes you feel so much better afterwards, about yourself, about the whole world. Excuse my rather narrow view on the matter, but that's the essence of it. have you consoled yourself reallyembarrassedbut with the fact that you might never have sex ever again, even if you are willing and able to? That's what upsets me the most in my situation, the prospect of a pretty much sexless future.

dh and I do not have sex very often. We lead very busy lives, have two babies, love each other very much, find each other attractive, love cuddles and when we do get it together it's always great and we always say we should get it together more often. I might be wrong, but I can't help thinking everyone thinks that everyone else does it loads more than them. It's just not true. We have loads of friends in similar situations and we often joke about it with them. It's always the same - loads of sex at the beginning of the relationship, levels off, kids come along and, well, let's just say things often change and priorities shift about a bit.
Please let me know if I have got it all wrong

i think it's also the question of losing the intimacy, the cuddles and kisses that make you comfortable with each other, the closeness. and then sex, then fantastic sex (that's deffinetly missing here )

I'm working very very hard to accept that no, it's not something that's a part of my life anymore.

If I keep hoping it's going to hut more.

Again, this sounds ever so moany, but sometimes you have to deal with a situation if you don't feel you can change it.

Someone said to me "insanity is soing the same thing again and again, and expecting a different result"

Branster - Thanks for your message. Only a few people in work know and they only know that it was a bit rocky. I'm sorry to hear about your night out. I can't think right now what else you can do.

Reallyembaressedbut - You do deserve a happy loving relationship. You, like me, do not want to thoughtlessly seek elsewhere what you want to share with your partner. It would be wrong to do that without trying very hard for a very long time to sort out the relationship in difficulty. I haven't read enough of your previous postings to offer any advice, I'm sorry.

TheBoysMum - You might not have sex very regularly but you have a close, loving relationship and that's what I want to have. I'm not saying that I haven't had sex this week,I haven't had sex for over a year and there has been other times when it's been 6 months. Not only that, but no hugs, cuddles, kisses, silly little things, etc. My dh bought 2 books 'Men are from Mars' and 'What you feel you can heal' read them for a few days then put them away. That was the time when I'd been to see the solicitor and could tell him what exactly I'd be entitled to. It shocked him, sure, for all of a week! I now can't bear to be touched by him. I've put up barriers to protect myself from hurt. My children are also late primary school age. No broken nights for us.

Got to go. Dh back today and I need to do some housework.

I've just posted my last message and realised 2 more had popped up in the time (45 mins) I'd taken to word my posting. I find it difficult to articulate my situation.

Thanks for setting this up lemonade - its good to talk.

My problems stem from something that happened 4 years ago. I won't go into the long and complicated detail, but I lost a very close family member - their death was sudden and violent. It has had a huge impact on me, and whilst I've managed to rebuild a lot of my life - I now find intimacy and sex very very difficult. I avoid it as much as possible. I know I probably need psychosexual? counselling but I can't face it. Meanwhile my poor dh is really suffering. He is very very understanding, but this is very unfair on him.

Having been through so much in the past 4 years, I don't seem to have the emotional energy to sort this out. My husband has been wonderful to me and if it wasn't for him, I know I would not have coped. He has been my saviour. I just don't know where to start - we still talk, we still love each other deeply and I don't want to lose him.

ReallyEBut - I asked about depression and your w because I know from personal experience it can make you totally shut down emotionally. Its very hard to climb back out of the pit. Plus ad's affect libido (another problem of mine).

Lemonade, I have the same problem, it takes me ages to get the words out!

Got to go for a bit as ds1 is howling and its teatime. Back later.

sgg - Thanks for your messages. I'm sorry to hear of the bereavement you suffered. I know what a shock sudden violent deaths can cause in a family as that happened to my cousins. It still affects them although it's many years ago now. I'm glad that you still talk and love each other deeply. That's something to keep your dh going. I hope it all works out for you both. I know what you mean by needing emotional energy to sort it out. Got to go. l xx

oh somethingsgottagive, you poor thing. i am so , so sorry you had to go through such a terrible experience. i've been thinking about you since reading your message a couple of hours ago. have you ever discussed to your GP about your emotional upset and how it still affects you so? he/she would be able to reccomend you a qualified proffesional who would be able to help you somehow. i would think there may be other issues you need to address that in themselves might lead you to become more open towards personal closeness. do try and talk to someone about all this and i pray you'll feel better soon.

lemonade, do you actually still love your dh? or you're not sure how you feel? you say you enjoyed being on your own when dh was away. my dh goes away at times and i have to say i enjoy being on my own for 1-2 nights (if it's longer i get bored) just to get on with stuff i need/want to do for myself and can't do it in peace if he's around, plus i get to watch what tv i want (how sad is that?!)) did you just need a break or you feel happier on your own? i hope you got that hosework done

reallyembarrassedbut, i'm impressed that you have convinced yourself and accepted that there will be no more sex for you with your dw. really, never, ever??? the "insanity is doing the same thing again and again, and expecting a different result" quote actually got me thinking a bit. i was a bit worried actually. but really, things can change. i mean look at us, they changed once not in our favour unfortunately, but life is not linear, there are ups as well as downs. you never know how lucky you can be tommorow. concentrate more on yourself for a while to see the positives in you. you will be inspired. if you were as boring and unatractive as you say you feel, you wouldn't have landed your wife when you first met. so obviously you've got something going for you, you just need to find it again. Do something just for yourself (i.e. go to the gym) that will make you feel better. I really am sorry you feel so low at the moment. You shouldn't. My dh always puts me down by not saying anything nice to me (i suppose on the plus side he doesn't say anything bad either at least) or about me and although i often go to bed opr wake up questioning how valuable i am as a person, when i start thinking about it, there are lots of good things i can find about myself and that makes me feel better. and brush away the negatives for a while, unless they're true and you can actively change them into positives. i hope all this doesn't sound like a lot of rubbish to you. if it does, i do apologise, i'm trying to help a little bit, but as you all say, wording is v difficult.

hmm Bran, i didn't say I had convinced myself, I said I was trying very very very hard. If I'm honest I spend far too much time looking at womens bottoms.

I can say that on mumsnet, right?

It's funny, but as upsetting as the idea of not being handsome or witty or charming any more, is the idea that maybe you never were.

reallyemb - how long have things been like this?

This is an interesting thread! I can relate to most of it over the past 5-10 years - the put-downs, no sex, divorce threats (mine) etc. However I eventually decided to believe in myself and build myself up instead of depending on what DH told me, barriers firmly in place and wouldn't take any more criticism. Eventually we started talking again and although its a long process (the rest of our lives fingers crossed) we're now both making the effort to sort things out. As a result sex is now back on the agenda - in fact he's having a vasectomy on Sat as condoms can wreak havoc timing wise and he's been told he/we have to do "it" at least 50 times before he's "sperm-free" - I'm going to do a countdown chart!!!
Sorry - I'm not trying to crow and we're not out of the woods by any means, but as someone once told me way before I got married, "You both always have to make the effort - permanently - and if one of you does/says something hurtful, TELL THEM". I put up with it far to long and was too much of a doormat.
hope this helps

reallyebut - You've got a sense of humour and your comment about looking at womens' bottoms made me smile! I'd take that as a compliment (as long as it wasn't in a lechy building site type of way! ) I actually don't like ddg men (drop dead gorgeous). I like them normal looking. A clean, nice shirt, well fitting trousers, polished leather shoes, short haircut and clean shaven or trimmed beard and you're well on the way to being attractive in my book. You're caring and loving from what you write. Your dw is lucky to have you. Keep trying. Your saying reminded me of another one, too 'If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'. I don't think any saying can be 100% right all the time, though. 'The exception proves the rule' (or something similar to that!)

Branster - No, I don't love my dh anymore, though I do think I should try again. I don't know how, though. When as a teenager I started to date someone it was because there was a spark there. How do you create a spark? My marriage being what it is has tested my faith, too, and I find that hard. I enjoy him being away for a week, and he's often away for a night or two. Partly it's the feeling of freedom. I can pretend that it'll last forever. I wish I didn't feel like this.