Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

Penguin2 - It's a good one! Be sure to write it down so that you don't forget it. It'll be brill for emotional blackmail in future years when he's dating a clever attractive graduate!

I remember my nephew sending his Mum to Naughty Boys' Corner after she got told off for the umpteenth time by her Mum for biting her nails! She stayed there for a few minutes, too!

Yes it gets a bit unnerving when your kids start telling you off. My two eldest have told me not to swear when I have said something blasphemous before. (That's a church school for you!)

decided to have a break from this thread. i needed to back off because i felt i was saying to much and i really don't like telling people about my problems. again, i'm short of time now but i'll try and pitch in with some comments.
lemonade, thanks for setting up this thread. i felt it helped me in the way of realising how big my problem is. i don't think i'll have a proper talk with DH still, because it just seems like a waste of time at the moment. maybe in the future when i ahve a clearer mind. now i feel i would only point out the things that bother me about himself, which is not fair on him (after all we're all humans and am sure i have my fair share of faults or things that he can't stand about me), but i have to say that i keep seing more and more annoying things in his behaviour. it is not a good sign, i wonder if my love for him is wearing thin. before i used to think everything he did or said was perfect (not because i was an idealist, but because it always proved he was right and he is a very inteligent man). anyway, i won't go on about it anymore. i'll keep an eye on this thread though and perhaps add some more comments as they come to mind or if sparked by other posts.
REB, you're a v nice man and i think your dw must be aware of that. still don't have an answer for what's going on with her, but if you're so set on hanging on and because you're so in love with her, i hope it will all get better with time. sorry i don't ahve more encouraging things to say at the moment.
penguin2, thanks for sharing that with us. interesting. don't know how true it is, but once you have kids, things certainly change and you find yourself trying to get a better understanding of how human mind and emotions work. unless one is particularly gifted at understanding them, i really don't know if/how one can aquire the skill. there's not much time to learn about it in a structured manner once the kids are with you all day long. certainly any kind of university degree doesn't help with the practical side of things as a mother but i strongly believe it does open personal horisons and every occupation has transferable skills but as you point out not specific for motherhood or being a wife.
glad my dd hasn't started telling me off yet. i'm sure it'll come and it will either be embarrasing or hillarious!

Thanks Bran - I'm no nicer than anyone else, and honestly, after a few bad days I do wonder why I'm holding out.

I have found myself thinking over the past few days that I'm just making things worse by staying, but there isn't an alternative that I can see. I do make her very unhappy, and I have no idea how I manage it.

I keep saying I can carry on as things are, and I know I haven't got any rights to love or affection, but I'm only human, and I feel very very lonely.

Does anyone think some sort of survey would be a good idea?

Not prurient stuff "kinkiest fantasy" and all that, but just how often, is it often enough, is it loving, does it reflect the state of your relationship type stuff.

hOORAH THERE ARE WOMEN LIKE ME . I have not had sex love what ever for 6 weeks dh says he loves me but doesn't feel like it, i have gone through fad diets and then makeups etc but this has been going on and off for about 7 yrs we just about managed to have dd (3 now) and i really want to have another one. Dh has had other partners b4 me but he was my first and as silly a girlie as it may sound i love him and only want o have sex with him and still really get excited by it. It does get me down and do wonder shall i move on he is a great guy otherwise. Yes i have spoken to about it EVER MONTH.

3/4 times a week Not always ful sex but other gratification
Majority time loving sometimes animal urges on his behalf.

do you feel it's a fair reflection of your relationship?

Probably being thick but I don't really know what you mean by that.
Sorry if I offneded anyone just saw word survey and am interested how much others do because dh sometimes says he doesn't get enough and I think after 14 years and 4 kids he does alright.

no offence taken - I'm in a cr*p relationship with no love and, surprise surprise, no physical expression as such - but maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe the two have got nothing to do with each other, so your opinion is exactly what I'm interested in - if you have a good solid relationship and still make love, then that's suggestive that there is a connection

My mum was married to my father for 20 years. They split up when I was 16 and one of themost bizarre things she ever told me was that they had no problems "in the bedroom department". I think they must have both had high libido because in every other sense the relationship failed. If me and dh go for a period with no intimacy it affects how close to him I feel. I am a very touchy feely person. I love kising and cuddling my kids and am very openly affectionate with them. My dh always gives me a kiss and cuddle when he comes in and friends have commented how affectionate we are with each other.

Branster - I fully understand you wanting some time out to think. I think that if someone stops trying, it's easy to start becoming critical of their ways as you've started to lose the loving closeness that you had before. You almost start thinking of their behaviour as you might do a work colleague, as you and they are in a 2 person team, but they're not doing their bit. Don't know if that makes sense. Take care, good luck, and we're here if you need us. l xx

REB - Sorry, I don't understand what was meant by holding out. Are you perhaps mirroring her behaviour and that's what you meant?

As for a survey, I usually rarely do them IRL as they're so badly worded and they don't have the multiple choice answer I need!! I think it's so dependant on what's going on in your life at that moment in time. It would have to bear in mind the natural peaks and troughs. Sometimes you don't make any demands because the other partner has a lot on in their life and you make allowances accordingly. Other times, you can see no reason for them to be so distant to you and it feels much worse, although things are actually just the same. If it reflects the last 12 months or so, then it's probably more accurate I suppose, though babies and pregnancy might affect it a lot.

What is making you question if you're doing the right thing in staying? Why do you think that it's you who is making her unhappy? Do you have any evidence of this, or is it just your viewpoint? Don't take the blame for someone else's behaviour without knowing if it's right that you do so. Innocent until proven guilty, okay? Can you talk to your doctor about how you feel? Does it impact on your work and social life ie with other family members and friends? Btw, you don't need to answer these questions here. You don't have to think about them if you don't want to. Branster and I think you sound nice, try believing in us a little, if you can. I must go now. Take care, l xx

I have just come across this thread, and feel quite moved by how supportive it is. After experiencing some of problems described I am now single parent (we were together for nearly 20 years).I have had 2 relationships since, sex great with both, but I wish we had been able to sort our problems out with my ex-h. we have talked about it since, and how hurt we both were, but because we were both upset it was hard to discuss rationally, so we parked the issue, left it unresolved and then divorced some time later. I think you are all doing the right thing by talking about it and trying to understand the way forward, which is different for all of us. Good luck!

Gettingthere - Thanks for your message of support. I can't bring myself to talk to dh at the moment as it hasn't worked for long in the past and, quite honestly, now is a really bad time re: work and stuff. Also, because I've stopped feeling anything for him it's even more painful, if that's possible. I did warn him that it would end up this way so many years ago, but I didn't want it to happen. Anyway........thanks again. l xx

of course i couldn't help myself having a peek at this thread!!! what a lot of messages! what a great thread this is!!!
this afternoon i realised that a major factor in what is upsetting me is not just the fact that i don't get enough sex and of the quality i need, but also we're quite different in our expectations i think. i like to experiment more (nothing outrageous at all, just normal stuff) and don't like taking the lead all the bloody time in this respect. Maybe he's not curious to see what else can happen here. Who knows? In the psat i remember him being more adventurous but it just all stopped now. And it's not for lack of encouragement because i always let him knwo how i felt, don't know what has changed. god, i don't know why i want to try anymore, there's no real promise of a change, of something better. should i buy some self-help 'tools'?? i just had to share my thoughts with someone, that's why i posted now. must go. bye everyone!!

Branster - I know what you mean by having to come back and take a peek at the thread! Sorry, I can't give any advice on sex, not having done it for so long! Perhaps someone else can advise.

Speaking as the one who is holding out on her partner, don't any of you aggrieved people think back to your wedding day (if you are married) and think about the person you married as they were that day. What I mean is, I think about myself and how I would have given the world for my dh at that time and sometimes it gives me the kick up the backside that I need to offer something to our relationship now. I know relationships can completely fall apart, but it seems to me that a lot of couples just forget to work at it, or expect it to be OK without any imput, and that if they thought about what they were doing to each other, they would be moved to do something about it. What I am trying to say is to your partners: if it was worth it then, isn't it worth it now? In fact more so as now you have kids together and have gone through so many other experiences together that should have bound you together even tighter than you were on the day you declared your love for each other.
Sorry, a bit of a rant. Not getting at anyone, just talking to myself really.

Penguin2 - Thanks for your message. I suppose if you'd had a good wedding day.............I practically had to force dh to have sex on our wedding night. (Not as bad as a friend of mine, whose dh watched sport on the tv at the same time! She asked him if he wanted to leave the sex for another time, and he did!!!! Sad, but true, unfortunately.) And even if you had a good wedding day, it is hard to forget all the hurt and rejection and the numerous times they've let you down. Unless they apologise for those things, it is hard to truly forgive and want to try again, I think. Sorry, that doesn't help. l xx

Hi Lemonade, good morning to you.

I don't think I'm questioning whether i should stay, but I suppose I'm looking for a way for everything to be allright despite the fact that I don't have a relationship with my DW anymore.

We pretend it will all change, that when we sort out various situations - money, house, jobs, all that grown up stuff, everything will be OK, but whenever we do sort out a problem out, something else, new or old, is suddenly the problem we should have solved.

Eventually we will run out of things to blame, and by then it will be far too late.

As for the wedding day - well, there was a time when we were lovers, at every level of meaning you care to apply to that, but life (what happens when you're making other plans) got in the way years ago, and I just assumed we could, or I could sort it out, and I've realised too slowy that I can't, so yes, I blame myself, I'm the only person whose behaviour I can claim to be in control of.

I got very upset (and drunk) last night because I started thinking about things I can't say or do - I would like another child for instance, but she doesn't and wouldn't, so I don't feel I could ever tell her that, because it would break her heart in a way. Of course, short of an immaculate cinception, it's not really going to happen anyway.

I may spend the rest of the day sulking, sorry.

REB - Ok. So you, perhaps, are like me. I communicate things to do with the house, children, finances etc but not anything to do with the heart. Been there, done that, achieved nothing.

Yes also to the various situations thing. I can always think of a good excuse, sorry, reason, why things should be put off until another time or will get better at another time once such and such happens. Do you think that this could be a very long blip? Apparently other couples have had periods of 5 to 10 years where they would've loved not to have been in the relationship they were in.

My dh and I had a barny a year or two ago when he claimed that he hadn't known that I really wanted more than 2 children. I was furious and thought "Well, that proves how little you know me." I'd mentioned to lots of people that I'd wanted 4 but he'd only wanted 2 and so that's what happened. And for him to turn around and say that he hadn't known! I'd told him to have the snip as he wasn't willing to have more, and he did when our second child was very little, so I don't understand how he can claim he didn't know. He then didn't do the final check for several years so I had to make sure I didn't get pregnant until we got the all clear. That really rubbed salt into the wound. Don't be like me, please! Can you say something, so that your dw can't, at least, say she didn't know?

Don't worry if you don't post again for hours/days/whatever. Do what's right for you. I take a peek at the thread regularly, though I won't be here after Saturday for a week.

Take care, l xx

REB - I forgot to say 'Hi and good morning!' Sorry! l xx

Morning Branster, Lemonade et al - how are we all?

REB - Hello! Can't write much at the moment but will do either on the w/e or on Monday. How are you doing? l xx

no change, and not exactly happy, but not exactly surprised, lol.

I was asked today how old i was when i first.... and i ended up wondering if that's connected to my ideas about it. I sort of wonder if there is an issue there for my DW, though possibly i'm trying to find alternatives to "I'm quite ugly"

REB - Sorry, I don't think I can help much. What reasons does your wife give when you talk/argue about your lack of love or affection? Is it: It's not you - it's me; We're just both so busy with everything else; We're too old for all that stuff; Everything's fine or some other reason.

As for me, things have got worse. About a week ago I said when we'd gone to bed that I wanted to start afresh. We had sex and I felt nothing except "yuck". I don't feel anything good about him or our relationship anymore. I think the kids are picking up on it more & more. Dh and I haven't touched since that one time. The first in over a year. I think this may be it. l xx