Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

bobs - Thanks so much for your message. Dh is due back any minute so I've got to go shortly. Your 50 times thing shocked me. We haven't done it that number since dh's snip about 8 to 9 years ago! Does time count? I'd have liked more children but he said that 2 was plenty. He now denies all knowledge of this, but that's just selective amnesia. I'm going to think on about your message. Did you start by talking? How do you get through the guilt/blame/recriminations? How do you avoid dragging things up from the past? Can you really both wipe the slate clean? I think I would try but I fear that it'll last about a week on his part. Am I strong enough to say "Last chance"? Please don't feel you have to answer my questions. Thank you, though, for your encouraging message. l xx

Thanks Lemonade and Branster for your messages of support. I do still have counselling, but I haven't really broached this subject in the sessions - have been wading through all sorts of other stuff. But I must deal with the intimacy problems before the rot sets in.

something - I don't know, I suppose that there lies a part of the problem - at some point we stopped making love, and I didn't want to push or aggravate, and it became clear, not least because she wouldn't talk about it, that there was an issue, and that I could only make things worse - then, as time went on, we became further apart in different ways, like layers of the relationship being shed, and each time trying to repair it just made things worse, just made those leaves fall faster, and now I've given up, because there is so little left that I'm afraid that when the next layer is peeled back there will be nothing left underneath.

What has she/ would she say if you said you want to go and talk to someone together (some form of counselling)?

If you feel there is nothing left, are you staying in the relationship solely for the children, or do you still love your dw?

She wouldn't even beging to talk about it, as far as she's concerned there isn't a problem - perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps there isn't, or if there is it's all in my head.

And yes, I love her more than i can say - more to the point I am still IN love with her.

reb - i think you need to put your foot down with your dw. Tell her that it IS a problem. It's not for one person to decide whether something is or isn't a problem - if it's making you unhappy then YES it IS a problem, and as your wife she should care about that.

Are you scared to push the issue with her for fear of rocking the boat?

As Spacemonkey says, you need to tell your dw this is a BIG problem. If you still love her, then this is worth fighting for. Also, do you really want to get to the point where you don't feel anything anymore and then end up walking away?

Its a bit different for me, because my me and my dh are still talking. At some point I hope (I wish I could say when) I'm going to be able to restore that part of my/our life.

He knows I still love him deeply, things are by no means perfect, but we know we still want to make it work.

reallyembarrassedbut, bearing in mind foxinsocks's experience, i was wondering... you are obviously v. much in love with your dw. it would appear she has a big problem with being intimate/close / loving with you. do you ever tell her how wonderful she looks (i.e. phone her up and say you thought she looked gorgeous this morning, comment on how nice a particular item of clothing looks on her etc - obviously don't say it if that's not case, say it when it's actually true). if she goes through a phase herself of not feeling attractive, then you're the only one who can make her come out of it. and all these compliments would have to be uniterested (you're not saying them to make her think you want something from her, is just a genuine positive remark). flowers, that sort of thing? again, as a pure gesture of your love and admiration to her.

foxinsocks, what a graet achievement for you two! It must be fantastic to feel good about yourself again! Wonderful!

bobs, your story proves that things can work out. that's encouraging. thanks for sharing it with us!

sorry lemonade, i was going to write a few lines to you but there's a big commotion downstairs (dd chasing the dog, lots of giggles and loud noises!) have to go now, but i'll post something later tonight. i find this thread to be very good and comforting. be back later!!!

Thanks for posting your experience foxinsocks - proof there can be a happy ending.

lemonade, since starting talking about my problem on this website, i found myself taking a more analytical approach to it, it made me think a bit more about it , put feelings into words. i really don't want to bore you with all the details, but i found your words very useful and your view is very much to my liking, apart from the fact that i don't see a solution just yet. i thought right back and came up with memories, snapshots and it doesn't add up to a reasonable explanation so far. after giving birth, it took me a long time to be ready for sex again beacause of the delivery and post recovery down there. it was all fine, thank God but i was very unsure of how safe it would all feel again. dh was v v understanding, the fact that he knew all the details must have frightened him a bit plus the fact that he is a v good man made him be v supportive and understanding not pushing me to do anything. however even in those days he didn't used to compliment me etc. physically otherwise i recovered very quickly and looked fantastic from early on so i didn't have any hang-ups about my body. after stopping breastfeedin (dd was 1), i discovered my breasts are not what they used to be, i started a thread on this actually, but to be realistic, they're not that bad. i'm all upset about them because they looked great before, otherwise they're OK, so really physically i don't think there's any good reason for dh not to like looking at me. and even if that was the case, after all he's not Apollo himself. I think he looks v handsome, but objectively he's just above average. but i think he's god. i can't work out what puts him off sex with me, he's a fit, athletic man, he can perform perfectly well, there's nothing wrong with him. he just seems to have gone off me or something. it's very upsetting. by the way, your suggestion going somewhere where he can see other people looking at me: yesterday i went to pick him up, took dd with me. i knew i looked lovely (nice summer dress, started to develop a suntan already etc) and felt confident about myself. when he joined us, this respectable man went pass, staring at me. i actually thought he was being rude because there i was with dh and dd and this man eyes me up as it were. he happened to be one of those good looking, tall, professional man , the ones you never think you'd have a chance with. i find them challanging actually, but they just look like they come from a different universe to us mere mortals. well, dh noticed, he glanced at me to see what i was wearing, but even then he didn't even say'oh, you look lovely' or at least ' what is that t..ser looking at' even. he's just not bothered. the one man that really matters to me is not showing any interest, approval, or at least dissaproval (so i know where i stand) about my appearance!

you say you don't love your husband anymore. do you find him at all attractive still? it's such a shame that his coldness towards you got you in a position where you don't love him(possibly not like him) anymore. i dont't think that 'sparkle' can ever be found again in a used relationship. it's so sad to say this, but i can't imagine how you'd forget the past, the anger, the embarressment etc. we don't have this sparkle in our relationship anymore and it frightens me to think it will never come back. what worries me is that it would be so easy to find it with another man. and i wouldn't want to do that, primarily because of dd, and because i respect dh too much).

Branster, do you get the feeling that it is just you and he still looks at other women or that he's not doing that either? Sorry to be blunt, just trying to get an understanding of where he is coming from.

Branster each time I read your posting I can't believe how lucky your dh is to have a wife like you. He needs a real kick up the backside or else he could lose you. Do you go out with girlfriends etc . Do you have a social life that excludes him. He needs some kind of reality check i imagine most men would love to have a wife who is so keen on her appearance and looks after herself - you put me to shame!

like freezy, I think he is lucky to have you.

foxinsocks and feezy, you are really sweet. thanks. i always made an effort, especially when liking a particular man, but i suppose i'm also a bit selfish in that respect and always like to look nice for my own benefit. that being said, i find dh to be such a wonderful man that i want to make sure there's no room for him to escape. as i said earlier, he is not all that good looking, but he would get female attention in the right places becasue he's a nice chap, not just appearance. i'm not actually worried about him looking at other women anymore, because , shame on me, if he were to meet another woman at least i'd have an excuse to find myself a toy boy. This is so wrong of me, i know, but that's how i feel sometimes. But no, i've never caught him looking at other women, although i've noticed other women looking at him sometimes, and in a strange way it pelases me becuase it's reassurance i've got a good catch and managed to keep it. How narrow minded is that?? When i first started noticing his lack of interest in me i did something terrible, and am still ashamed of it: i checked his phoine and e-mails, and looked in his diary, briefcase, pockets. I felt so low for doing it and he'd feel so humiliated if he had any idea that i even considered doing it let alone actually having done it. I wanted to find out if he had any contact with anybody else. I was perfectly satisfied that was not the case, and after all he's such a correct man, he wouldn't do that to me or anybody else for that matter. DD wants CBeebies on the computer. have to go.

just to finish on the prievious. before having dd, well before getting pregnant, dh was more 'on his toes', didn't take me for granted like he does now, and i think what happenned he thinks that now i'm a mum, i'm at home and have lots to do and he knows what i'm up to, ther's no danger to him of me finding somebody else. he tamed me, if you like, and that's a jod well done probably in his mind. i'm worried actually if he thought i might look at other men, i don't want him to doubt me being faithfull to him, as it might get all sorts of ideas in his head. untrue, but still, don't want the doubt factor. the reality is, for everyone out there, ther's always going to be the risk of somebody else getting close to a partner, if the conditions are right, it can happen so easily. before nearly having a fling last year, i never imagined i would ever have eyes for anybody else. if there is a next time, what if i go further? then i'd get into a sense of false security and go further and further each time and then it's all my falut and wreck my whole life and those's closest to me. i'm a rational kind of person, but matters of the heart don't always follow rationality, do they? i trust myself for now, but if i never get what i crave ( i only want to be appreciated and wanted by the man i love, which should be a natural occurence, it's not like i want sex all the time, i just want affection) what will happen in 5-10 years time??

Branster, I have to go out now - back on line tonight.

I've asked this question of reallyemb re his dw, but could your dh have depression and not realise it. The behaviour is all there.

Also, does he know JUST HOW MUCH this is hurting you. If you're still getting the "obvious" eye from other men and clearly from your posts you are a LOVELY person then the problem is his, not yours, but you don't know what the problem is and the very LEAST he can do is tell you.

My husband has to ask me frequently if I still love him/like him/fancy him. I need the reminder and I need to reassure him because so often I'm locked in my own little world of troubles and I haven't paid him any attention whatsoever. I give my best to the children, but find I have little emotional energy for anyone else.

Have you sat him down and told him that this is destroying you inside. Our self esteem is the most precious thing we as human beings possess. Yours is being battered by your dh's behaviour - he needs to know just how deep the pain goes. If he still cares, he will want somehow to find a way back.

My only other thought - is there any possibility that he has had an affair in the past and might be finding it hard to cope with the guilt?

The only reason I ask is because this happened to a friend of mine and there are some similarities there in terms of your dh's behaviour.

Sorry to make such a difficult explanation as a suggestion, but I'm at a loss as to why he doesn't thank his lucky stars that he has such a wonderful lady.

You mentioned that he buys you lovely presents - could that be a sign that there's still some thoughtfulness inside him somewhere?

Branster, Fox et al, I don't want to hijack this, but you did ask - Yes, i try to compliment her, because sometimes she looks delicious, but as she has a pretty poor self-image it tends to be badly recieved, and sometimes I want to say something, but know that if I do it'll come out wrong, or worry that she'll think I'm "after" something. I kick myself when she asks if something look good and it does, but never seem to get it right.

This kind of brings me to flirting - I flirt, although I have only recently realised this - and it makes me feel rotten, because the only reason people flirt with me is because I am so dull and ordinary and plain and safe, and therefore there is no harm in it - does that make sense?

She won't talk, and if i try to insist then it will just mean a row, and I really don't want to peel that last layer away. I'd rather keep what little I have than end up with nothing.

Yes, we are both tired, yes, having a family and having to work and do all the things we do from day to day leaves us with little time for each other anyway, but I don't believe our life is any harder than anyone elses.

are you sure it would end in a row if you insisted on talking about this reb? or is that your fear?

sounds to be like you are both thoroughly demoralised

"sounds to me" not "be"!

Just checked in again before I'm out again - reallyembarrassedbut - you are not hijacking this thread, lemonade set it up for all of us having these problems. Keep talking!

reallyembarrassedbut ,

you are not at all hijacking this thread. this thread is preciselly for people like you and i for one enjoy reading your messages, although it saddens me how difficult your position is. So please do keep writing in, we're all listening and try to give suggestions in the hope soething might inspire you to find some solutions. i have to say i too laughed at your message when mentioning women's bottoms. I thought all men did that anyway so you're not some sort of obbessed chap with this. They're nice to look at after all and being in full view one cannot miss them I understand what you say about DW and compliments, that's why i was suggesting some degree of caution. I don't actually know what step-by-step advice to give you in this area, what comes to mind are nuances like instead of saying 'That's a lovely dress you're wearing', you could tray' That dress looks great on you'. It is a better remark in my own opinion (this is an art my DH hasn't got the hang of or forgot how to do it), perhaps stick to compliments attached to objects ('this colour really makes you look radiant' rather than body parts('you've got nice legs' if she's unsure about her image she might question why are the other parts not being complimented, what's wrong with them?. As i said, i'm not sure what specific advice to give that you can say to DW so she enjoys hearing it. Anybody else has got any suggestions? I can also understand you being worried of starting yet another confesinal with DW and myself being inexperienced in such matter i would (very wrongly) tend to live it at that for a while like you. But theorethically, talking is the best solution to problems. Do you ever remember nice things together (like: 'do you remember when....' some nice things you did together), do you think she might see you in a more positive light throuh the perspective of past happy memories? I know what you mean about flirting but getting a response because you're inofensive. I don't know how true that is, you might be right, in my own experience i used to embark on harmless fliting with people i found interesting (at some level) and cooperant (i.e. flirting back) so i would have thought flirting does imply some sort of symilarities or atraction between two people. if it's not harmless it's called harrasment probably. i am really not sure we are on the same wavelenght reallyembarrassedbut , i don't know if any of my suggestions are in any way relevant to you, do i understand your problems correctly? i hope you get some comfort and strenght from all this and get a bit of motivation. i am really, raelly sorry if i sound like a mad cow, but i'm being as honest as i can in my opinions. hope it does help a bit.

i'm going through all these messages now and i'll respond in a few moments.