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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disappointed with your sex life?

204 replies

lemonade · 23/05/2004 12:53

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

OP posts:
gettingthere · 12/06/2004 00:08

lemonade - I'm really really sorry - you are obviously really trying to sort this out. If it doesn't then you will at least know that you really have tried. And, hopefully, it will sort itself for you. Big hugs, and hang on in there!

gettingthere · 12/06/2004 00:08

lemonade - I'm really really sorry - you are obviously really trying to sort this out. If it doesn't then you will at least know that you really have tried. And, hopefully, it will sort itself for you. Big hugs, and hang on in there!

gettingthere · 12/06/2004 00:09

lemonade - I'm really really sorry - you are obviously really trying to sort this out. If it doesn't then you will at least know that you really have tried. And, hopefully, it will sort itself for you. Big hugs, and hang on in there!

gettingthere · 12/06/2004 00:10

sorry for posting that 3 times!!!!!! think i was being impatient.....

Original poster
lemonade · 12/06/2004 01:34

Gettingthere - Thanks for your message of support. Dh is away tonight but the situation does need to be addressed soon. I think I'm scared of whether I'll survive a break-up. If we didn't have kids, it would be different. (Sorry, thinking aloud).

I've shied away from Relate before, but I think I'll reconsider it and my other options. My big problem is that talking to my dh directly doesn't work.

Can I ask how do people say "It's over" to each other? Does there have to be one big bust-up? We very rarely have a row. I usually retreat to another room when things are bad. Then it doesn't get solved.

This week whilst on hols, I've been shocked by how invisible I seem to be to others. My needs/wants don't seem to count. People (dh and his family) take decisions involving me without consulting me and seem surprised if I say anything.

Dh seems to be living the life of a bachelor while having all the home comforts of a family. I do wonder sometimes if he thinks his behaviour is normal. Sometimes the things he does are so bizarre, I wonder if they're for real, or if he's trying to provoke a response. Sorry for the rant. l xx

OP posts:
reallyembarrassedbut · 12/06/2004 02:08

lemonade - we don't talk about it - clever huh?

and maybe, feel free to shoot me down in a ball of fire, there i your situation, or at least a factor - i don't know how people say "it's over" but be honest, what do you think your DH's reaction would be if you simply told him, angrily or calmly?

Unfortunately you can never unsay it, but if you're honest you might think it would devestate him.

I suppose the problem is getting him to get involved in helping you not have to say that before he realises there's a problem because you've said it.

sorry, that makes perfect sense to me, but there are empty beer cans beside the PC

bobs · 12/06/2004 02:15

Sorry to hear things are bad Lemonade.
Unfortunately when we get married and have kids we tend to put everyone before ourselves and end up being treated like a doormat. My mum always did everything for my dad and bowed to his every whim, so I thought I should be doing the same. However there are those men who take full advantage - clothes left lying around for little wifey to pick uo etc. I have no problem being bossy but I also decide I wasn't going to be trodden underfoot, so it was a question of like it or lump it for the family.
As for when is the best time to say something, i don't think in the middle of a heated arguement is the right time, more when you're talking calmly. Above all you have to psyche yourself up for it and really mean it. I went through trying to sort myself out for years - even looking in esate agent windows for smaller houses and working out how I would cope etc. But when it came to it we have decided to stick together. Yes I went through not wanting sex and thinking Yuck - now I enjoy it.
As for dh living the life of a bachelor, I used to call him the lodger. He still doesn't help as much as I'd like but I can't have everything.
Take care

Original poster
lemonade · 12/06/2004 12:52

REB - Thanks for your message. Not too sure what it meant, but the thought of typing while tiddly made me smile! Hopefully, some of your message will be answered in my reply to Bobs! l xx

Bobs - Thanks for your message. All of what you said rang true for me. In an earlier message you mentioned trust. I don't feel any trust anymore. I used to believe that he'd make good decisions and now that I've had to cope with the results of lots of bad (small/medium sized) decisions he's made (ie really bad holidays, repeatedly), I don't trust him. Also, there was a time when he should've given me support (I was being bullied in work) and he didn't. I need to tell him calmly that I don't love him and don't want this marriage to work anymore. I feel like a single mum with a lodger whose clothes I have to wash, food I have to cook, etc. He's made himself so dispensible that I can't see what I've got to gain by staying married. I've done the estate agent bit, too! Except that I know I'd be entitled to the house, so I've been looking at houses he'd be able to afford. I think I know how he'll react when I tell him. His head will go in his hands and he'll say he's sorry and that he doesn't want to lose everything. He'll still sit and watch tv every evening while I'm doing housework, though. His behaviour doesn't change, or not for long. Sorry for the rant. l xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonade · 12/06/2004 13:19

REB - Sorry, I missed a bit. If you don't talk about it, does it get brought up during a row?

OP posts:
reallyembarrassedbut · 12/06/2004 13:53

Lem, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going to have to do, it won't be fun, but keep reminding yourself that it's what's best.

We don't tend to have rows where we drag stuff up, and if I mentioned it in that context it would be a pretty nasty thing to do.

I've tried to talk about it, but she just clams up and says "I can't talk about it" and if i push will chout or literally run away, so i gave up a while back.

We had a bad weekend, and just ahug would have been nice, although to be honest I've found I hate anyone touching me anymore in any context, and in the event that we were ever intimate I'd not have a clue what to do, and probably not be able to.... you know.

Original poster
lemonade · 12/06/2004 14:47

REB - Thanks for your message.

I wondered more if your dw ever mentions it during a row. I understand you when you say it would be nasty for you to do so. I think you're very sensitive to your dw's feelings and she's very lucky that you're so patient. I know what you mean by hating people touching you. I'm like that with physical contact. I think that I've had barriers up for so long, I don't know how to let them down. I don't know what else to suggest. Take care. l xx

OP posts:
reallyembarrassedbut · 12/06/2004 14:55

I have no idea how she would bring it up in a row, because, erm, surely I'm the one who would be moaning?

Of course, she might one day just decide to tell me exactly how unattractive I am. I don't push it part because I'm frightened she might say "I don't love you".

Original poster
lemonade · 13/06/2004 00:07

REB - Sorry. I'm absolutely no good at this. I think I'll bow out before I make an even greater mess of it. Best of luck, l xx

OP posts:
gettingthere · 13/06/2004 01:08

lemonade - i don't know if you'll return to this thread but if you do, my suggestion would be that you take each step at a time. It is very difficult to unsay and undo (although some people do achieve that!)some conversations. I found that when we started the conversation it started a ball rolling that was unstoppable. In my case we were both ready for that, but even so it all developed its own energy. For what its worth I feel much better on my own most of the time - although its hard work, and sometimes lonely (and 2 weeks ago I felt very upset - not because i would undo anything, but simply because everything seems to rest on me now). I'm sure you'll come to the right decision for you and your children - whatever that turns out to be. take care.

reallyembarrassedbut · 13/06/2004 01:14

shit! poo! bums!

lemonade! come back, sorry - I got that all wrong, obviously (my speciality) i was just trying to say "I don't understand".

What I meant was, well, probabl a load of self regarding nonsense, but that I wouldn't expect her to bring it up
sorry

Original poster
lemonade · 13/06/2004 17:43

REB - Just a quick note as I have so much to do before 3.30pm. Please don't blame yourself. I think I have too much going on at the moment to think straight or write coherently. I'll pick up on this thread again when I can. l xx

Gettingthere - Thanks for your message. I'm currently on an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know which way is up at the moment. I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely at times. It's perfectly understandable, of course. Lean on us when you want to / need to. l xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonade · 13/06/2004 19:41

REB - My last message was as clear as mud, now I've re-read it! I meant that it was my mistake, not yours. Sorry again! l xx

OP posts:
bobs · 14/06/2004 02:56

reb, we all think you sound a great guy with a real sense of humour-keep it going - we all give you a hug.
Lemonade, if he says he's sorry but still doesn't make an effort, he obviously thinks you won't take things any further, so perhaps an even more serious talk showing him how intolerable you find things, or yellow pages left open at "Solicitors" - just something to show that you are prepared to act as you can't live like this. Perhaps give yourselves a piece of paper each, and write down 5 things you most like and 5 things you most dislike about each other - it's tough!!

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/06/2004 14:16

I'm not a great guy, but thanks for the thoughts - I am giving up with her, or rather with us - I don't want to, but the constant rejection hurts too much, and she seems happy for us to just happen to live in the same house.

Lonelymum · 14/06/2004 14:24

I feel a bit of an intruder in this thread but having read (most) of it, here goes:
REB, what are you going to do? It sounds like you have made a decision.

reallyembarrassedbut · 14/06/2004 14:48

Maybe you're right - when I say I'm giving up, it is despite myself, but without wanting to whine, I'm tired, I need a break from feeling lonely

Original poster
lemonade · 14/06/2004 19:14

REB and Bobs - Thanks for your messages. I hope I'll be able to come back to this tonight and write properly then.

LonelyMum - Welcome aboard!

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonade · 15/06/2004 00:02

Bobs - Thanks for your message. I might do as you suggest tomorrow, but just by myself. I don't think I'm ready for shared honesty just yet. I know that I should be. Thanks again for your continued support.

REB - How are you? You sound different to before.

On a much lighter note, I agree with Bobs, Branster and others and we think you sound like a nice chap. I think you're outnumbered on that! Take care and write if you'd like some support.

OP posts:
gettingthere · 15/06/2004 01:18

lemonade - if youre not ready thats fine. don't push yourself. Big big big hugs

Original poster
lemonade · 15/06/2004 17:33

gettingthere - Thanks for that.

REB - We're still here if you need us.

OP posts: