Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

Dear all, I am signing out of here, maybe pop back sometime in the future to see how you are all getting on.

Branster, I wish you well with your future, things unfold at the time that is right for you. Have faith that it is all right for you even the bits you don't like. One thing is for sure you will not be able to keep this inside forever and it will come out when you least expect it. Everything has its day and it is OK when it is over.

Gettingthere, sounds good to hear that you are. A new and exciting journey ahead - lucky you not repeating the same old crap. Well done it takes courage. Hope your kids are seeing a happier mummy. Love and luck for the future.

I am, going to get on with my life nice to have met you all!

Doris

Branster & lemonade - thanks for your posts..

I think, having been through a failed marriage, that I can't at this stage (2 years on) envisage anyone living with me and the children. The thought of any more upheaval in their lives (the youngest is only 4) reduces me to tears.

What am i looking for? A soulmate i think. Not necessarily the living in, washing and ironing bit, but someone with whom I can share - thoughts, food, desires, fears..... and someone with whom I can be 'whole' in a sense of being held, feeling valued, feeling nurtured, and in a real partnership where i can feel able to express both important and silly things.

I need someone to stroke me (i don't mean that in any sexual way), and with whom I feel that joyous feeling which is possible with partners and with children, but which i didn't feel with my partner for such a long time. I stayed because of the children, and I don't regret that for a moment, because in our case it was good for them. Although a poor husband, he was (and is) a good father and they have benfitted from that extra time. From a purely personal point of view I would have left 10 years ago.

From a self-confidence point of view, I am outwardly confident in my work and personal life. Colleagues and friends frequently say how strong I am, but I am so desperate sometimes to say - but I'm not!! I simply can't collapse in a heap with children to look after and a job to do. So inwardly, my self esteem is dodgy sometimes, and i sort of wonder if tranquillity is possible. Interestingly I had that when i was married, although the marriage was bad. The situation was clear and other options were closed. Now other options could be open, but i need the courage to open those doors.....

I am sorry - i have offloaded personal thoughts, and am tempted to delete, however, there may be other people who feel this way and perhaps it helps to share.

On a last note, i find these conversations very helpful and supportive. At the end of the day (excuse cliche) while we each individually have to address our own issues, it is so helpful to feel less alone in doing that.

Thanks again xxxxx

dorisday2 thanks a lot for all your help. i really enjoyed reading your messages and found them useful. i know it'll come out eventually in some form or another, hopefully it'll lead to some improvement or else it all has to change completely. you've been v supportive and i appreciate your patience to go through such a long thread and give such sound advice. hopefully we'll see you again on here, no doubt you'll be keeping an eye on it just for curiosity's sake if nothing else. I wish you all the good things in the world to come your way.

hi gettingthere! i totally agree with you that these conversations are v helpful and supportive. i don't know how many people have the patience to go through most of this stuff but i imagine if someone is in a similar situation would benefit somehow. And yes, every case is individual and there are lots of factors involved and circumstances and let's not forget this is only one view from a couple so obviously there's always going to be more to it. however all this sharing is quite liberating and it is refreshing to hear success stories (such as bobs's or dorisday2's and yours). I have all confidence that you will eventually settle in a nurturing relationship, you just have to be careful who you choose and only go as far as you are prepared to go. Good luck!

gettingthere - There's so much that I want to refer to in your previous posts and this thread is so long! Thank you for your posts. In no particular order: I think you're doing extremely well, especially as you say that you work outside the home as well as bringing up your children. I have a close friend who appears very confident on the outside. Those of us who know the inside know to disregard that and check to see if she is happy underneath. Being confident on the outside enables her to have the job she has (and wants) and live the life she wants. Have you a close friend who you trust to show the underneath? I think you're doing the right thing to not get the children too involved with a new relationship until you're ready. I might be completely wrong, but when you do have a good new relationship, I think it should be viewed as bringing good into the childrens' lives rather than more upheaval. I understand your desire for a soulmate to share things big and small, sensible and silly. I don't have that but would probably look for it in a partner now that I'm older and wiser (I hope!) As for the way you view your body; I think when you're in love with someone that really doesn't matter. When you're in your teens and maybe early 20s it does because you want to show off your new dp to your mates. Once you get to your 30s and older, you've wised up to the real world. What's inside is what's important. You mentioned Life Begins. Yes, I watched that avidly (in a separate room from dh) thinking "This might be me, soon" and making mental notes. You're doing really well. Take care and get us to support you whenever you want as well, perhaps, as your rl ones. l xx

lemonade and branster - thankyou for your posts.

Yes I do have close friends who are very aware of how difficult things can be, and are terrific in every way possible.

I do hope that there will be a new (longer term) relationship at some point - and I agree, it will be good for the children. Until then I just think that it could cause confusion and be unsettling for them. As to what shape that relationship takes, possibly a long term relationship but not necessarily living all the time in the same house!! a little bit of distance maybe??

I like to think of it all as a learning opportunity.....!!

lemonade - how are you doing yourself??

big hugs

gettingthere - You sound really positive to me and I'm glad you have close friends that can help you. I can see what you mean about perhaps not all living in one house, but that might evolve in time.

I'm okay, but am painfully aware that any positivity I build up in the day disappears when dh walks through the door at night. I'm still working on it. Must go. l xx

REB - How are you? l xx

hi

no news here, we seem to be closer emotionally at the moment, but once bitten...shall we say I'm keeping my distance, because I don't want to get hurt again. How is everyone else?

Hi there REB!!!
That's great news! It'll probably take a while for you to feel confident again and absolutely sure of how good dw feels about you, but it sounds like you're getting somewhere.
How are things lemonade?
No change here but for some reason i haven't thought much about it of lately and felt better. No doubt it'll resurface at some point.

REB - Hi! Just a quick note. I understand you when you say "once bitten" although, as we probably both know, the best way is to love freely and completely. However, having had the knock-backs I have, I couldn't bear to do it, either. Slowly and cautiously is what I'm trying to do. I'm unconvinced it'll work (for me), but it's a start.

Branster - Hi! Your lack of thinking about things recently wouldn't have anything to do with a very succesful retail therapy thread, would it!!!!

LOL lemonade

You really made me laugh. I'm giggling here on my own!

No, unfortunately. It would be nice if shopping would put things out of my mind all the time. I don't know what it was, i had quiet a lot to do outside the house (more than usual that is) and dd is such a little treasure that i must have been mostly absorbed by her and forgot about me. And i also went to bed really late and very tired for a long time now and have no time to think of stuff before falling asleep. Saw basic instinct alst night on cable. whish a was in her shoes a bit (not all of it of course, just the fun parts )...

It's nice to hear from you lemonade! Take care!

that should have been quite not quiet

Branster - Hi! Yes, I've been going to bed later recently, too. Then, when the alarm goes off, I wish I was less tired. I think I'm trying not to dwell on things too much, but to get on with it. I don't know if it's working, yet. Take care, l xx

this thread runs and runs! lemonade, branster, you are all sounding good.

I have spent day with lovely yummy man . Ah!

lemonade - i have just re-read your last post and realised it is mixed - sorry should have read it properly first. I'm sure your approach is right - you are doing everything you can, and however things turn out you will know that have done everything possible. Keep positive, and keep posting

gettingthere - Hi! No probs. Let's get down to business with the gossip on this "lovely yummy man"! Just tell us a little bit so that we can go "Awww. Isn't that nice!" I'm a softie when there's a romance in the air, me! l xx

hi lemonade. can't sleep so here i am on mumsnet at 5 in the morning. well, he's twice divorced, and I'm once divorced so between us we have a fair bit of baggage. he's gentle, kind, honest and passionate. we are not "a relationship" (although we were, on and off, for a few months).all i can say is - he makes me feel good about a lot of things.

gettingthere - Hi! When I saw this thread in the active list and the time alongside, I thought "Which one of us is daft enough to be up at that time?!" So, it's you! I think I understand that it's not a relationship as such atm but at the very least a "make each other feel good friendship." That sounds good to me!

Off to do some housework. There was a tech problem with MN this weekend apparently, and some found they had to get on with housework until it came back! One said that her dp said the house hadn't been so tidy in ages! l xx

gettingthere - I hope my last post didn't sound cheeky. I remember the problems I've had with sleep and having to tip toe around the house to sleep (or not) on the sofa so as not to disturb anyone else. I'm going through a light sleep phase atm and it's really annoying. Sorry again. Take care. l xx

sex....your joking arent you??? i've tried but he isn't bothered

lemonade - don't worry - I'm used to being unable to sleep sometimes!! no problem! no its not a relationship atm, but going through a lovely phase of dating etc. how long it will last i really don't know. we live quite a way from each other - his life is focused around work, mine around work and children - but it would be so nice if it continued - he's gorgeous! I am currently trying to be rather laid back about it (not easy) so we'll see what happens next! I feel sort of 25 again, which is rather nice. As to housework, i can find loads of reasons not to do it - mumsnet is one. also the children don't seem to mind whether it happens or not, so i tend to tidy up if someone is coming round who might say something like "well obviously it must be difficult to fit housework in......." I just reckon there are better things to do, but it is quite nice when its clean and tidy...for about 5 minutes until the children start painting again, or playing football indoors........

what's new with you? and where has REB disappeared to? take care, xx

gettingthere - Yes, that's a lovely stage of dating, when it's all new and exciting! You sound very grounded and I wish you well. As for me, I'm okay. As for spending time on MN, I think I need to discipline myself to this thread only until I get the house a bit more sorted.

This thread is so long it takes ages to scroll up and down! I find it really hard to look at the message I'm doing an answer to!

busybee123 - Depending on how long the lack of sex has been going on, I'd advise you to be patient. It is very hard when the children are very small and dh/dp has a full time demanding job. Also, some people cope with broken nights better than others. Then there's the responsibility of being the bread winner and paying the mortgage. I hope I don't sound like I'm making excuses for him. Talking helps if you can. Good luck!

Hey its great to see this thread's still going - and you're all sounding pretty upbeat - even REB from the short message he put on the board!! Glad to see you're all hanging in there.
I understand the "once bitten" bit - REALLY difficult to get over that one.
Maintaining the effort can be tough at times - all it takes is for one of you to be in a bad mood because of work/kids/whatever and it throws everything back again.
I envy you in a way, Getting There - oh to go back to that heady time of dating, pounding heart, first kiss, first all the rest.............
Take care lemonade, Branster, REB and all

hi everyone - yes it is lovely, but i feel a need to tread very, very carefully. we had a passionate start to this, and then backtracked, but i feel a connection at a number of different levels. Do you remember when you hold a newborn baby and he/she is so precious that you aren't quite sure how to hold them - its rather like that. oh, i've gone emotional!! it's just that i hadn't expected to come across someone like this - particularly now.

This is getting to be rather a long thread - shall we start a new one - with similar name so people can find it? what do you think?? we'll have to have a mumsnet meet up for this thread only!!!

i wish mumsnet had been around when i was having all my (previous) problems. it is so supportive and helpful, i have been in tears more than once

take care xxx