Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

This sounds ridiculous, but I've got it into my head - small things - that she's having an affair - I suppose it's a more palatable idea than my being a rotten person to have as a partner, but only just.

If I'm honest I can't think when she could be doing it, but I suppose not knowing why we aren't lovers is the thing that hurts at the moment, although if I knew why that would hurt just as much.

Someone tell me I'm being ridiculous and paranoid, and that I'm too old to worry about sex anymore.

REB - Poor you, you sound so despondent. I can't say if your fears are ridiculous or not as I'd have to be a close friend / family member to be able to judge.

I think there can be various reasons why a person's libido disappears and lots of them have absolutely nothing to do with your love for your partner. Off the top of my head: taking the Pill can affect libido, so can depression. Those are 2 I know of. But then, maybe libido isn't the main issue here.

Have you got a good GP? If so, could you go and see him? (I say him as you'd probably prefer a man. Mine is male, but he's absolutely brill and I feel I can tell him everything). Perhaps he can give you info/support.

Don't know if any of that helps. Take care. l xx

REB - How are you? I'm thinking of you. l xx

REB, lemonade - how are you both?

gettingthere - Hi! Thanks for your message. There have been a few changes recently which aren't directly related to our relationship, but might well improve it indirectly, given time. Sorry, that sounds rather obscure. (I'm getting to be a regular MNer and worry that someone might put my 2 identities together and work me out. Also, I find swopping from one nickname to another scary incase I forget!) I do feel I've got more control over my future as a result of fewer complications. I don't want to raise my hopes, though, so I'll take it bit by bit. Thanks for asking. How are you? l xx

hmm, hi.

Odd things happening at home, but i'm inclined to try try again - in a weak moment she told me she loved me, which she hasn't said in a way she means for a long long time - another night as far from each other in the bed as possible, but I don't care at the moment, i'm happy to take a little hope if it's there.

REB - I'm glad you've posted a message. I've been thinking of you and wishing you well.

I'm glad she has said she loved you. If you can, perhaps you can tell her how much that meant to you. If not, could you make the next (tiny, so no-one feels pressured) move with a little gesture to her? I don't know what. Perhaps a key ring with a nice picture of your ds, or ds and you, or you in? Just something small. I know that you've said before that you do your fair share at home, but perhaps something linked to that? I know I'm not blameless and I'm trying to move on slowly and cautiously, perhaps she is, too. Sorry this is so vague. Good luck with things, anyway. Take care. l xx

lemonade thanks for asking. I certainly wouldn't be able to recognise who is who, and actually wouldn't try - part of the way in which mumsnet is helpful is the honest way people can connect without worrying about that! I am fine, thankyou for asking. I picked up this thread because it brought back a lot of memories of how my marriage failed. I do think you are all trying to address really difficult issues. My issues are different. I've had some excellent sex since I divorced, (sounds like a lot of people - not the case!!) but it is all very different, and starting to make new relationships with 3 children, while nurturing and protecting them is not a piece of cake!! sorry to go on. i hope it all works out for you, whatever you decide.

gettingthere - Thanks for your message. Re: my dual identity; in my other one my age, which town I live in, my children's ages, etc are there so someone could work me out from it, but not, I hope, from this one. I have once posted on another thread under the "wrong" nickname. When I read what I post I can detect my regional dialect, also!

Please look to me for support whenever you want. I appreciate your support to me. I don't know much about your current situation. I know that bringing up 3 children as a single parent must be very hard work. I hope that Mumsnet helps with support and friendship. I can talk about things here that I could never do with local friends. Confidentiality and all that. I wish I had Mumsnet years ago when my children were small. I've just been watching the programme on tv. (Was it called When Daddy Became Mummy?) It highlighted for me the "pastoral care" for want of a better word that we provide for our children. As well as all the other stuff we do, I think that natural loving, caring, putting them first and thinking of their feelings first is the most important thing. Sorry this is rushed. Dh will be here in a minute. Must go. Take care l xx

Good morning everyone!!!
I keep an eye on this thread all the time but felt I couldn't do any postings for a long time now. But I'm still thinking of you all often and wonder how you're doing and hope for better things for you all. Although the overall feeling is pretty much the same for all of us all the time, we have better and worst days so particular messages are representative for how we feel at that particular moment. With that in mind her it goes:

gettingthere - it's nice to have you joining here! you are so supportive and frank about expectations.

REB - lots happening in a positive way with you. Isn't that good!? DW saying she loves you. Maybe she does actually love you but finds it difficult to express it (too tired, too busy etc). At least there's still hope I feel. V good advice from lemonade about you making the next (v. small) step with a gift or something harmless like that. Did you tell her back how much you love her? Do you think she meant it? Sorry to sound a bit too rational here but sometimes we see what we want to see or read too much between the lines. We're humans after all! So how old were you when you first...? Don't feel you have to answer this and feel free to ignore my question as it is very personal I am aware of that. Based on your life shared with DW do you feel you were ever compatible in an intimate way or were there signs before which you ignored or didn't pick up on? I'm asking this because to be truthful, with my DH there were signs there from the very beginning which i didn't even notice. Only now I remember them and think how stupid I was for not setting things the way I wanted from the very beginning, and if it didn't work out then at least we wouldn't have gone this far together. But when you're totally in love with someone you only see the nice stuff and nothing bothers you about them, you just accept everything. It is very very hard to go through daily life without the gift of being close to people (i don't mean just in an intimate setting, but just a pat on the back, a hug from a friend etc) - with ref. to your comment about hating anyone touching you at the moment because you haven't had it happening to you in such a long time. But I am convinced that if it were to happen (with anyone you like or feel close to) you'd relax straightaway. Oh , perhaps i should point out that I'm only talking about adults here. Your child's hugs are different of course and are so rewarding, aren't they? I love cuddling DD all the time. And I still maintain the view that you are a great guy, despite your own opinion on this and everyone is special you know, you should feel special for being you because you are special. If you were as ugly as you think you are (do you think they'd have giving you a part in Lord of the rings?? ) would anyone have married you in the first place? I'm sure you just look normal and nobody I ever met is perfect. As lemonade said in an earlier posting, most women don't look for a perfect man or incredibly handsome specimen. And I agree with her that being tidy/clean is no 1 factor in attractiveness. Your most recent posting comes as a very optimistic message and you say you're even inclined to try again. Fantastic!! I just wish I could give you an exact recipe of what you need to do now But I'm not v good with things like that otherwise I wouldn't be posting here. You're a v nice man and i'll be looking out for your future messages and hope it'll get better for you two. Lots of hugs

lemonade - as i have had a soft spot for you from the very beginning, I kept writing to you the last. You are incredibly busy all the time, I'm surprised you find the time to write in here and look after us too. I understand why you need 2 different identities. As a piece of advice, if anyone else here knows you personally and you don't want them to put 2 and 2 together, perhaps you should keep the reality for your real name and avoid posting here things like when dh was away etc as that might be a clue to who you are. i have no intention of finding out your other name and that's the beauty of this thread, you can feel free to say what you feel in your heart without worrying about friends knowing what is going on at home. I want to comment a bit on your messages if i may. You always appeared as a very strong woman and i was surprised when you started sounding a bit down all of a sudden. More like a snowdrop than a rose to compare it with a flower. What happened? I need to add that your support to everyone here is invaluable and is spot on in my opinion, but at the moment I'm addressing your own situation at home. You seemed to hold the reins v well in the sense that you were so proactive in trying to sort it all out for what sounds like a long time, all the attempts you made in the past etc. Then again, if you don't feel much for DH anymore on a v personal level, then what's the point, that's how you felt one day "I don't feel anything good about him or our relationship anymore" . I also feel dh doesn't know as much about me as he should or doesn't want to know because maybe he's just selfish like that. Like you said you wanted 4 kids, and your DH only wanted 2, and you told him about it in the past but he doesn't admit to knowing about it, a v long time ago i made it v clear to dh that if i was to have any children i would have 1 at the most and he wanted 3, but we maintained our relationship and we evolved closer together. After dd was born he maintains that i never told him that and kept pestering me for more children for a v long time. i tried to put it gently to him that is not going to happen and that he was fully aware about this beforehand, he denied any knowledge of this and in the end i just had to be very abrupt about the subject and told him that this is it, if he wants anymore he'll just have to find someone else willing to have these 3 children for him and after all he left it too late (he's older than me) to start again, plus the fact that every time we had sex he kept going on that maybe this time i was pregnant. it made me so angry every time and felt as he was just 'servicing' me in order to get me pregnant. it made me feel so low, like a market cow really.
I don't know how you'd say "It's over". But everyone else here is right in saying you wouldn't be able to unsay it. It would be sad in a way if a few years down the line, your DH would say it himself. After all , he can't be v happy with the situation even if he doesn't talk about it. In your more recent message though you sound more optimistic about everything and that's sooo good for you. You're hopeful for things to get better somehow and it makes me happy for you.

I really have to go now it took me ages to type such a long messages and need to take dd out. Lots of love to all of you!

Hey Bran

Yes, of course I told her I love her, because I love her. I had been planning, a long tome ago, to marry her when she least expected it, but maybe it's a bit soon for that.

Oh, and to answer your question, I was 22.

Don't laugh.....

Yes, it feels positive - nothing has changed, life is still as hard as it was for her, and I suppose for me, but men don't get stressed (at least us thick insensitive ones don't).

We did USED to be compatible - very compatible .

I'll tell more later, if everyone is feeling all positive

thanks folks

Hi REB!!!!

Rest assured I didn't laugh. What's there to laugh about anyway? As it is I think young people in this country go for full sex v v v early with no real benefit . I come from a different country and although everything is permissible there, youngsters hold on until quite late. After all there are many other things they can do without complicating their lives with this sort of thing.#

And you really sound optimistic today with regards to you two. Splendid!!!!

Also since you were compatible, dw must be fully aware of it too so based on past pleasant experiences you've got what to go on.

BTW, does she want anymore children? If so, the only way to get them she'll have to find some common ground with you on this and she'll come around, then she'll remember how great all this stuff is and you won't get her off you then i'm getting a bit carried away here daydreaming how nice it'll all turn out to be...

i was thinking, is there any chance dw is a mumsnetter? she would ahve read all this by now and worked out is you. any chance of that?!

Take care!!

Branster - Thank you for your message. It must have taken ages to think out and type. I haven't got long so here goes.... Thank you for buoying me up. I don't know if I've mentioned my health problems. I think that's why I feel low sometimes. Thankyou for being kind about the advice I have given. On occasions I think that I make George Bush look very tactful in comparison! As for the number of children, I think it was so hard for dh and I when our children were small. Like so many people we had to move with work and so we didn't know many people and didn't have family living nearby either. Looking back I think I should've stood my ground or made sure that it sunk into his brain that I was asking for more children. I feel that I should get over it now. I realise that I'm very lucky to have the 2 I have. Does your dh now accept your situation? Yes, I am feeling more hopeful now, even though nothing much really has changed. I'm not a quitter and I don't want to give up on our marriage. I do need it to improve soon, though, as I'm finding it so hard to carry on. I'm going to follow your advice about my 2 identities. Thanks again for taking the time to write so fully. l xx

REB - Just very quickly. My first love was, I think, in his early 20s, too. It was one of the things I liked about him. He and I never did, btw. How are you doing? l xx

Hi All, I have just read through several of these messages just to get the thread. I have recently been through a tornado of a time. Finding my true love after I had 3 children and been married for 10 years. After 3 years of trying to be together we both decided that our children came first so we parted, it was very painful but I am glad I met him. I now live knowing that I married my husband, who I care for, for the sake of children and remain for the sake of children. He is also aware of my true feelings. I don't want any violins playing as I live in the real world. What I can't understand is why you all want to be in this site annonimously and keep your very painful circumstances away from the people who can help you the most - your friends. I know you have all become friends, but I don't think I could have recovered from my situation as positive as I have without my old mates love and support, through one of the most challenging times in my life that required absolute truth in order to set me free from my inner pain. The truth really hurt my husband but, ironically, we have a more honest, truthful and respectful relationship now than 5 years ago. I could go on.......

Any way, what I am saying is bring your problems out in the open and you would be surprised how you can heal. Be honest with yourselves and with the ones you love even if it is going to cause them pain. It is more painful hanging on to false hopes than knowing the truth which will hurt but set you free to get on with your life positively. Be brave.

Love to all, you have my heart felt wishes. Have faith and courage. An author called Wayne Dyer helped me, do a google!

dorisday2 thank you sooo much for your words and for taking the time to read all this. I truly am happy that you have recovered your marriage and are so open with your DH. It's just so nice to see that in the real world things can get better. I can't speak for everyone else here, but in my own position I don't feel I can tell anyone I personally know about what is going on because
a) wouldn't talk about dh without his consent
b)i couldn't get his consent since we're not talking about it ourselves
c) if we did talk about it ourselves i fully expect we should be able to sort it out one way or another in between ourselves since we rely on each other succsefully for all the other stuff that goes on in our life. i'm a bit of a dreamer here, aren't i
d) i was brought up not to tell people outside the family about family matters partly because in our family we always disscused things and worked our way through and partly because my own culture is as such that if you want to succeed anywhere you need to come accross as someone with no worries who gets on with their job and gets a fantastic result. as a consequence, when i meet friends , aquaintances etc i come accross as an incredibly enthusiastic and free person, everyhthing works for me and i have no reason to be sad about anything. it's just the way i am and have to confess i like being like that. what's missing is that i have none at home to share with this big problem. i couldn't tell my own family and certainly not dh's family.

oops have to go now, dh is coming.
thanks again dorisday2

Hi lemonade!
It's good you're still fighting for your marriage and are more positive about the future. Keep going if you feel you're getting somewhere. Perhaps it is a bit too late now to regret not having the 4 children you wanted. It is a shame you didn't try harder to persuade DH at the time, but as you say you're blessed with 2 children and even if DH would have agreed to it in the end (unlikely maybe but not impossible) he could have started resenting you for it at a later date. Maybe he did feel he couldn't cope with 4 kids and a wife and he could have just left you to manage on your own. Don't regret the past, it is not constructive and remember for all your past decisions you were forced by circumstances and your frame of mind that you had at that particular point in time. Your own children will have their own kids in the future and you will be able to give all this love and care you hold inside you to more babies and children who would be directly related to you, with your own genes. I hope I didn't sound too harsh here but you sound like you've accomplished a lot so far and dwelling on what you'd have wanted when it's quite impossible to achieve now won't help you personally. I hope I'm not upsetting you by saying the above. DH hasn't got much choice in accepting the situation, it's not something you can find a middle ground on: you either have more children or you don't. As things are, he fully understands I had given a lot of myself to him whereas for him I'm a continuation of his life, he for me meant changing my plans for the future and my life an awful lot. And not always for my benefit. And I can only give so much without damaging myself in a way. Sorry I can't write more at the moment but dd needs me. Bye for now!

Branster - Thanks for your message. I haven't got long so I'll make this a short post. Yes, I'm feeling more positive generally and that's good. I think I'm just realising that I am (hopefully) on the first step of a long, long ladder to achieving a good relationship. Cross fingers!

REB - How're you doing? l xx

Dear Branster, wouldn't you like to be an enthusiatic and free person on the inside too!!! I can remember years ago, that was just what I was like, people envied me for being so confident and enthusiastic. What they didn't realise was that I would take my children to school, playgroup etc.. and then come home and cry!!! I knew that the problem was within me and I dreamed of feeling the same inside and out. I came very close to the designer way of dealing with problems - hide them with prozac! After almost 7 years of work I am finally there and it is a better feeling than I imagined. I can now stand infront of people and when they say how are you, I can truthfully say - great. It took the courage to be honest and once I had started down that road I had no choice but to unturn every stone. I didn't want to be a fake anymore which meant telling the truth to my nearest and dearest, closest friends included. They were all incredibly supportive and we all helped eachother with problems and it ultimately brought me closer to many people. There is an old saying, "don't hide your pain from the ones you love, you deny them the opportunity to love you more". If you really want to get unstuck, you will find that the problem lies within you. Once you are true inside and out, given that love is the ultimate of truths and a relationship requires love, you may find that YOU don't want your relationship - that's a hard one. You may also find that perhaps deep in your heart you didn't marry him because you loved him but for other reasons, security, family pressure - the list is enormous. From my experience most people would like others to believe that they married for true love but in truth not many people marry for that reason.

Must go I hope this helps you to get unstuck. Turn inside for your answers, that's where the truth is.

Blessings
Doris

hi everyone - have been working and unable to either look or contribute for a few days.

lemonade - thanks for your thoughts. It is very hard work, and sometimes I do wake up and think I really haven't got enought energy to work and look after the children and do other things- just occasionally. having said that, for me, the stress of a very poor relationship was beginning to take its toll, and I am glad to be free of it and pretending to everyone else that it was absolutely fine (a close friend was aware of how things were). Most days though I feel busy and more "me" somehow. I don't know if any of you saw a series called Life Begins earlier in the year, but whoever wrote it deserves a medal, it is so true - and some things that happen are really funny. Some things you never imagine will happen to you do, and its like exploring a new world. Initially, just time to myself was amazing. I had never had a whole weekend on my own for years. I missed the children terribly, but on the other hand I could go to an exhibition, or just shopping, or read a book - not necessarily exciting things hey! I also found out that other women's husbands (a minority obviously) consider you fair game - men you had least expected to play games like that, and who were surprised when they were rejected. There is clearly a thought that if you're single again you must be up for it, and not too choosy either!!! And then there's a whole issue of new relationships (p.s. not with other people's husbands/partners!!!). My latest attempt has flopped (although we are still friends), but just trying to have a relationship without telling the children (in my view no point initially and unnecessarily unsettling for them at a difficult time) is not easy. And sex with some one new after 3 caesareans can be daunting !!!! Oh - I've just found I've said more than I planned - no matter. It's all mostly positive - just different.

I find mumsnet excellent and very supportive. The first thread I started was in my worst week since I have been on my own, and i found it very calming.

Take care and thanksxx

gettingthere - Thanks for your message. Sorry that I can't write now but I'll write tomorrow. l xx

dorisday2 thank you very much for your wise answer. I want you to know I appreciate your help and support.

it all takes long to explain ...

at the moment this is the only issue I have to keep to myself (I hope there won't be any more because then I'd probably just leave) and don't find it difficult with other people not to mention it. maybe I just keep it at the back of my mind and rely on our daily life as a public reflection of our life. strangely, on a practical level we're OK and that's the only side people see. when we're together in the house we're OK, there's so much we need to do together, practical stuff, plans for the future (like holidays, what next car, next house, decisions about dd etc) which we are successful in dealing with without any arguments and to please everyone equally. so in theory we are great together and don't argue, we seem to agree on most things what is not in agreement we compromise on amicably.

since I started noticing he was ignoring me, I thought as far back as I could at our behaviour to try and work out what triggered this rather gradual change in attitude. have come back none the wiser really. at the same time I also analysed how we got together and became a couple etc. The only reason I married him was love. I've never been in love before, and it really hit me, used to think dh was a deity. of course I took all the implications into account rationally but I put it first to be with him and work on other personal issues around being with him. And it worked until I realised he's not treasuring me as much as I do him and as much as I need him to. I still fancy him, not sure if I love him, but I do care about him. will have to think about this a bit more...

what I'm missing (as said in the past) is the need to be admired, touched, talked to as a lover, appreciated for myself, him having the desire to have proper conversations with me etc and good regular sex. ok it doesn't have to be that regular and also have to be very tactful when talking to him about sex as I don't want to undermine him in any way. everytime I told him I need him to be more tactile to me that I miss and desire his closeness etc he just says that I'm nagging so I stop straight away. if I happen to be moody towards him (always because of this issue) he asks what's wrong but has no patience to really listen to me and storms off. I'm really no good at talking to him about all this I concluded. I have tried so many times without any result.

no doubt he has his own version on this, quite possibly totally different to my view, I expect he must think we're not having enough sex, but in his mind he's probably convinced he doesn't need to work on keeping me. He's got me to himself, job done, tick the box, what's the next aim. He seems to set targets to himself and achieve them (i.e. that's where I want to get in my job by such year, that's my next car, that's my next house etc.). he's got the wife and a child, she's not going anywhere now, why bother, I'm allright thank you v much. Well, I might be wrong, but that's what I suspect. you'd have thought if he wanted more children he'd make an effort to keep me pleased or give me an incentive of some sort. whereas i feel, now i'm a mum, i'm invisible to him. well, i spent a couple of days looking really untidy just to see what happens. he didn't comment, and he didn't comment when i got back to my usual clothes/hair etc. but i know i'm not doing that for him, i always did it for myself. is as if he doesn't actually notice how i look like.

but regarding being happy on the outside and sad on the inside , at the moment at least I'm OK. I'm not actually unhappy on the inside. I don't tend to worry about things in general including this one. I know it's a problem but I don't want to be affected by in a physical way somehow. I very rarely cry. I didn't cry on this problem more than I would cry because my grandma died and she would have loved to meet dh and dd, or because women in certain African countries suffer so much at the hands of male brutes. and there is so much I have to do all the time I can't afford to spend time being sad about it. probably the worst approach one could take but that's how things are at the moment.
also I can't talk to him, not yet anyway until he's ready to see that it is a big deal to me, I couldn't possibly tell my mum ("mum, i'm not getting laid, what should i do?!"; all the friends i have now although i see and talk to them a lot i'm not that close to them to say what i feel. most of them appear to be a bit worried when their husbands are around so if they knew they'd be paranoid. how stupid! so you see, although your advice sounds v good, i'm not yet ready to put it in practice. but it's something i'll definitely take into account. thank you for being here.

that was another v v v v long post. will take a break for a while now.

PS REB, how you doin' mate??!! all OK with you?we're here if you need us.

Hi gettingthere!

Your post made me smile about being single and supposedly up for it Men are really silly sometimes!

Do you actually want to have a partner to spend the rest of your life with and share the family life with? What do you feel you need right now? I'm only asking because although i fell that with your positive attitude you'll find someone good for you i don't want to assume that's what you're looking for if it isn't. Thank god, you're free now to do things for yourself, and that's so important and you don't have to tiptoe around a situation that does not give you enough in return (if i correctly understood your postings). It must have been so liberating. Yes, you're probably right not to tell the children until you know how firm things stand with a new partner. You're obviously doing well and feel so confident and it must be v rewarding.

Take care gettingthere!
seing how upbeat you are gave me more energy. Thanks!

this thread takes ages to scroll down to 'add a message' by now! well, only because i do go on a bit with my messages that's why