Disappointed with your sex life?

[lemonade]

This is a thread for Branster,myself, and anyone else who wants to talk over problems they have with the sex/intimacy side of their relationship.

Well, he's had the vasectomy - not too bad really - the cream obviously worked. I've now done a countdown chart fro 50 - 0 though we cant start practicing for a week
For your info, and all the tea-totaller out there, p*** means pissed (were you right Branster?). Sorry REB, you'll have to wait for more juicy details via another thread!!
I was doing the same thing - copying him and ignoring him - made me feel better rather than debasing myself all the time but didn't really solve things. The only solution is talk and make your partner REALLY realise how you feel.
My mooto in life is do what you want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and I expect those close to me to do the same or they're not worth knowing. The thing is, would any of you be happier apart, and how much effect would it have on the kids. I got to the stage where I was taking it out on mine and it upset them (sniping comments abou dh etc) and thought we would be better off apart.
Working at a realtionship has to be a 2-way thing that you bothe work at - pemanently. Just ask yourselves where you want to be in say 10 yrs time.
Hark at me!!! I'm only just reconciled and though its not perfect, at least we both know where its at!
I'm now off to find stuartc on the brazilian wax thread

evening all

just a passing thought.

most of the time i miss the intimacy, and the love and the affection, and the idea of being close to someone, and being wanted, and occasionally, what i really want is just plain sex.

in a way that's easier to dismiss and not think about, at least in the cold light of day, but right now.....

sulks in ungentlemanly fashion

sorry, trying to push my libido aside, and paying attention now

Lemonade - i'm most of the problem in our relationship i'm afraid (i mean me and DW, not you and I, natch) as she seems to be able to just get on with things as they re, and i'm the one doing all the moaning.

For practical reasons evenings out, courses, holidays without children and so on simply aren't going to happen. She has accepted that, and that our life as a couple is over, i'm the one with the problem.

Not that it matters, but i better make it clear now that my Son is the most precious person in the world, not just to me, I don't have a sense of perspective about him, he's all there is in the world, and I suppose, if this is what we have to sacrifice, I should just shut up and get on with it, but nevertheless, I do miss her, and not just the getting into her knickers bit.

reallyemb

Is your dw happy then?

REB - Thanks for your message. I fully understand you hanging on in there for your ds. Someone I know very very well has been pushing her dp away for a long time now and it seems they're splitting up. They have 2 kids together. He has held on for as long as possible and now the situation is intolerable. That's another story completely, of course, but even a decent bloke like him couldn't stand it for ever.

Can you talk to your dw's best friend/sister and ask them for their opinion? You're not the problem in the relationship!! You're the one seeking a solution. You're trying your best. Hypothetically, how would your dw cope as a single person/ single Mum? The woman I know is going to have a shock as before she has always run back to Mum & Dad and they're not alive now, so she'd have to create her own home.

Don't know if that is any help. l xx

Reallyembarrassedbut - do you think your son is suffering because of what is going on in your relationship with your wife (or not, as the case may be). I think children are far more tuned in to adults' lives than we give them credit for.

i agree kids can pick up on adults emotions. our dd, who's wonderful and gets a lot of attention from both of us, asked me to pick her up the other day when we were walking home. i picked her up and told her i'll kiss her becuase i picked her up (as an incentive for mummy to have an easier'trip' a silly thing really. anyway she said, no mummy to kiss from me. daddy will kiss mummy. i said daddy doesn't kiss mummy - i shouldn't have said that but it just came out of my mouth- she said no, daddy doesn't kiss mummy, then she said the doggy will kiss mummy (we have a dog) and i said actually doggy doesn't kiss mummy either. no kiss for mummy- she concluded. how true was that! at least she gave me a nice hug and big kiss a few minutes later. i also think it's v. good for children to see their parents hugging each other, it does shape their future expectations from adults relationships when they grow up. i don't want dd to end up a grown woman and settle for someone who's not phisically loving to her in everyday life just becuase she didn't see it happening in her own home.

Flip

I've given the wrong impression here. I'm not leaving her, no matter what happens in the future, because I love her, and I love our son, and I don't want to be without them.

She may not love me, but until she decides she loves someone else, I'm going to cling on for dear life.

I would feel that i was undermining her talking to anyone she knew about it - I am bound to sell myself as the injured party, and in reality I'm going to be at least half the problem, so maybe I should be talking to other people I am close too rather than try to manouvre her into changing.

I don't think I'd do anything extra-marital, I'm confident I can bottle that part of me up. I really hope I'm right about that.

As for our son, well, I do think there is an issue there, he has asked questions, and when we row it has a huge effect on him, and I don't have a solution for that.

Branster - Just a quick note. You're right, kids do pick up on things. I agree that a poor relationship between the parents doesn't set a good example to the children. Also, does it make them feel insecure? SIK (someone I know) worried endlessly about her parents splitting up but the thought didn't occur to her younger siblings. Perhaps, being the eldest, she was more aware of what might happen?

REB - Sorry, but what does 'Flip' mean? I've taken a quick look, but couldn't find the answer. Does it mean that we should move to another part of the discussion? TIA lemonade

it just sort of means "Oh Blimey" - I hadn't realised that I'd given the impression I was planning to leave - and I was a bit concerned if anyone felt that was something I was likely to do or should do.

REB - Right. Sorry, that's my fault. 100%. You didn't give that impression at all.

I was thinking that, in my experience, people need to re-assess their life sometimes. I didn't mean for a second that you might be thinking of leaving, or your wife, either. It's good to feel secure in a good relationship, but perhaps it's good sometimes to think 'What if.....' in a poor one.

My MIL has said in the past that my dh is unsuited to being in a relationship. I'd forgotton that, actually! She said he was too selfish. I've thought recently that he'd make an excellent bachelor. I'm just unlucky that he decided he wanted to be married, promised me the earth (love for ever, specifically) and married me! I think he'd be as rubbish a husband to whoever he'd marry. That's just my opinion of my dh.

I disagreed with you saying that you're most of the problem in your relationship (11.07pm). I don't think you are.

If you're willing to have a relationship where there's no kissing, touching, sex etc, have you tried asking your dw if that's what she wants? My dh says he doesn't want that when we've discussed it in the past. He wants me to keep trying and he says he wants to try, too, but he seems to be the one doing the pushing away. I've stopped trying btw. I think I might sit him down and spell it out. I think he knows he's lost me, he just hasn't admitted it to himself. Sorry, I'm thinking and writing, but not sure if it makes sense. l xx

REB - Sorry again. l xx

Lemonade, nothing to say sorry about, and I hope that you and your husband can find a way, it sounds as though he loves you.

REB - Thanks for that

Do you think so? Mmmmmm.......

Must go. My totally inadequate brownie badge sewing skills are required! l xx

Everyone - Feel like I have to get off my bottom and have a heart to heart with dh and perhaps try again. Maybe not tonight (Procrastination being my middle name), I don't know. Cross your fingers for me, please. l xx

P.S. Am only putting it on here so that it's harder for me to chicken out.

good luck from the male jury here Lemonade

Good luck lemonade!!! Will be thinking of you!

Thanks, guys, but he's just said he's got work to do tonight. Might be time afterwards. l xx

It didn't happen. He worked until 10.30pm and then there were some things to do around the house and then bed. I still don't know what I'd have said. I don't want to rock the boat. I'm just scared of saying anything. Full stop. Feel like the Lion (? courage?) in the Wizard of Oz. Main trouble is that I don't feel anything for him any more.

I've flipped the thread. It turned upside down (should've realised as that's what flip means, I suppose). I felt a bit tired and felt maybe we should have a break for thinking time? What do you reckon, Branster and REB? l xx

btw I've only been lemonade on these two related threads. I hope I meet you two again, although we may well not recognise each other. Thanks for your help, guys. l xx

well, i'm going to wish you good luck again Lemonade, so i can take the credit if there's a happy ending

Good luck lemondade - I haven't contributed much but have been watching this thread. You say he wants to make the effort so its up to you to make him realise how deeply you feel about everything.
Btw, feelings can change if the other partner starts to make the effort - its just a slow process and a matter of trust.
I felt like I was going through a divorce for a number of years w/o actually doing so as I distanced myself further and further. It's weird to be going the other way now and take a bit of getteing used to

Bobs - Thanks for that. Re: my message of 24 May 10.07pm; this couple are very close to me and 'though they're miles away I feel very involved. Break ups are horrible. They're trying to work things out. Well done, you and your dh, on working continuously to improve your relationship. Looking at mine, I realise how little time we have together. Dh's work, voluntary work, exercise and hobbies take up lots of time. Also, my health problems mean that I'm very susceptible to stress and that knocks me for days if not weeks. He's away for a bit so I've got some thinking time. It also doesn't help that we have so little in common. I think we both settled for 2nd best in getting together and that's a poor foundation. We shared the same values and thought we loved each other, but we've never made each other laugh. It's almost always been boring, really.

REB - Thanks for that! I've been missing you lot from this thread. And it's been all of 1 DAY since I said I needed time to think. I'm going to keep plodding on quietly. Could we perhaps have a new keep-in-touch thread? You could still be REB, me Lemonade, don't know if Branster, Bobs, Penguin 2 and somethingsgottagive normally have another name. Stupid jokes, funny things your kids have said, all welcome. An up-beat thread. We can always come back to this one when we need to. If anyone wants it, I'll create it and put an update on this thread so that you can all find it. l xx

btw If anyone needs to keep going on this thread, please do. I'll check it from time to time, but please carry on with and without me, regardless. I started it, but everyone's just as welcome as ever.

Don't know if this will appeal to you, Lemonade, but this is one of my favourite quotes from ds1:
(Re his younger sister): "If X is going to be a mother when she grows up, does she need to go to university? [In a tone of utter dismissal] I think not!
I dare say going to university doesn't help much with the practicalities of life, but sometimes I feel a degree in philosophy/psychology/something similar would help with the problems of being a wife and mother!
Hope all goes well with you.