Think DD has just destroyed relationship with DH her dad. Final straw.

[Facefacts]

After a long rocky period with DD 17, I thought things were getting better. Again, tonight, DD determined to get her own way. Wanted boyfriend to come over we said no as I had to be away all day and overnight, husband had to leave later as working away. So after I left mid afternoon she has massive argument with poor DH who is already having counselling (partly from previous rocky period as well as other things). She is so unsympathetic and uncaring and verbally very attacking. DH in pieces, DD just continued attack. And flounced off to boyfriends saying would be back for 11. Just arriving back now. Refused lift back and DH couldn't face scene if just went to fetch her. He now has two hour drive and has to be up early. He's broken and I'm fuming with her. She has a brilliant social life. Saw boyfriend 2 or 3 times in week. Nightclub Friday and friend stayed over Saturday. Don't know how this is going to go but we have been on edge of throwing her out before for stunts like this. Is this what we have to do to save DH from total breakdown. When she decides she is doing something there is no compromise, no care of the impact on others. It seems the more understanding and caring we are the more she takes. Someone please give me a plan to change this before she throws away a lovely home and family.

What's up with your dh?

What exactly was the issue with having her boyfriend over?

Was it worth all this?

Husband has to drive to stay where he is working as working away this week.

Agree with pps. There must be a backstory as most dads woildn't overreact like that.

There is a pattern here of us saying no to something, she throws massive strop, breaks things, to try and get us to give in. Only other option is to say yes to everything she asks, however inconvenient to us. Boyfriend is a new boyfriend of just over a week, don't know him so didn't want him there when we were away overnight. That is reasonable isn't it?

He did walk away and stayed calm. She followed him, carried on, broke door. He eventually did lose temper and fall apart. There is a backstory, we have had a lot of this, it has nearly broken us both. Thought it was getting better, calming down, and now this.

I don't understand why he has to drive two hours now? If it is to get her he really shouldn't be bothering at all. If she is going to flounce off then she should be finding her own way back. If she is behaving so badly then why is she allowed friends to stay? Ds is only 13 but if he behaved this badly and was verbally abusive then I would refuse to facilitate his non-essential activities. I certainly wouldn't allow sleepovers or provide a taxi service. Are you financing her social life?

Where would your dd go if you threw her out? Could you discuss it with her? Perhaps saying that if this behaviour doesn't stop then she will have to find somewhere else to live might give her the shock she needs to wind her neck in. You do risk total
alienation from her if she is ejected.

So we should just let her get everything she asks for? We say yes more than 9 times out of 10 and ask her to consider us one night. She can see boyfriend another night. She had only just said goodbye to the friend she had staying over when she started on DH. I would agree with you if it was just one time but this has been going on for nearly four years. We can't make our own plans because if she wants to do something that takes precedence (in her eyes)

To clarify DH was meant to leave in evening to drive two hours to where he has to work in morning. DD eventually came home on last bus.

No, she shouldn't get her own way all the time if that impacts on you, but I don't really see why your husband is being so dramatic and saying their relationship is wrecked forever.
Teenagers can be a nightmare but they do come out the other end sooner or later!
Presumably she's iff to uni in sept, isn't it worth relaxing a bit till then?

Why didn't he just drive off as planned? She's 17 not 7

Her flouncing off wouldn't be so much of an issue but we both had to be away from home overnight hence for our peace of mind asked her to stay in. Boyfriend request was a last minute thing and we both said no and explained why as I was hurrying to get ready to leave.

She's nearly an adult though. Let her get on with it and stop taking it personally. Being selfobsorbed is completely normal at her age. Take a massive step back and concentrate on yourselves, as long as there is no drugs/alcohol/education problems she'll be fine and it's probably what she needs. Space to make mistakes and make your own decisions are vital in late teens.

Don't suppose there's any chance that she wanted her boyfriend there as she didn't want to be home alone but didn't want to admit it?

DOn't think I'd want to have been home alone overnight at that age (or even with my younger dsis there) so maybe it was her immature way of panic-ing about being alone (well, without any parents) and feeling like she needs somebody there?

I don't agree with the way she's gone about it if this is the case - but given you said your plans were last minute, maybe that's why the boyfriend plan was last minute too, in reaction to that?

Errr, it's not normal and it's not okay.

There's being self absorbed, and there's being abusive to your family.

She sounds utterly selfish. I think actually, asking her to move out, so she has to stand on her own two feet and for the sake of your DH's health would be the best decision.

We were asking, for once for her to put us first. For the first time in months. We have done lots of things for her, talked us into buying various things. We've dropped our plans for her convenience, rarely do we ask her to do anything like this and for one night, so we can have a stress free night, not worrying about her or having our evening disrupted by visitors and giving lifts. Just once. She can see boyfriend any day this week. I have given her lifts to his and him lifts home. So just once can she not put her plans on hold for us.

Unknown boyfriend staying over while you are both away - understandable to say no. But telling a 17-yr-old to say in for your peace of mind - that's really not on, is it?

And neither is DH waiting at home for her instead of going to where he needs to be, and then claiming to be 'broken' because she arrives on the last bus. That's really a bit odd.

Sorry Facefacts not got much advice, but it sounds a bit horrendous. The situation sounds awful.

Can you get her to attend some sort of family therapy with you? Do you pay her an allowance or something? Can you make attending a session or two or more a requirement of getting the allowance?

Maybe having a third party know how badly she behaves and having a chance to express how she feels, why she feels the need to behave in a certain way, could be useful for her.

My dd is only 11 and is quite a handful at times. I really wonder how it will all pan out when she is older, I really try with discipline etc but sometimes kids can just be quite hard.

When she is not flouncing in or out or demanding her own way etc, can you sit down and try and get through to her about how destructive this behaviour is?

What is the plan for when she turns 18, university, work, further study? will you and her dad be supporting her? Would her getting a part time job where she has to follow other people's instructions be useful to her?

I would also post something similar in teenage year if there is a section.

Is she like this now and not when younger? Have things changed in the family in some way to exacerbate this?

Can you and your daughter draw up some kind of an official agreement that would give her some of the liberties she would like but would be work-able for you too?

Young people can find it very hard to see things the way adults do, and there may be reasons for this.

www.theguardian.com/science/2014/sep/05/teenage-brain-behaviour-prefrontal-cortex

In your shoes I woudl have a very good search on line for all things that would speak to you about how to work this out with your dd. Enforcing things onto her is not working and is adding extra strain into your relationships. Can you find the compromise you need together? Even if she will not go to family therapy, counselling or relate or whatever with you, could you go and get advice on how to handle this?

I am sorry if this is all very basic and beyond where you are but take a look at some of this stuff....

www.positivediscipline.com/articles/teenmotivation.html

understandingteenagers.com.au/blog/the-7-secrets-of-motivating-teenagers/

Can I ask if you have any other children?

Can I ask if there has been any big family tragedy at some recent point?

If your dd has always been this way then it may be that things will not change any time soon, but maybe she has her ups and downs and you need to catch her on an 'up' to deal with the issues that happen on the 'downs'.

I also wonder (this is just an idea that has pinged into my head) if she sees you and her dad as some sort of 'unit' and is trying to divide and conquer! I am not sure if that is relevant but if it is then I would get some professional advice on how to deal with it. (My gut feeling would tell me that rather then be a unit that crumbles and lets her feel she can break things apart whenever she wants to, and rather than being an impenetrable block that she sees as an ongoing challenge, it MIGHT be better for you both to work out ways for one or other of you to deal with certain small issues and try and see if it is possible for her to work with you one on one rather than it being her against you two.

Good luck, Facefacts.