Think DD has just destroyed relationship with DH her dad. Final straw.

[Facefacts]

After a long rocky period with DD 17, I thought things were getting better. Again, tonight, DD determined to get her own way. Wanted boyfriend to come over we said no as I had to be away all day and overnight, husband had to leave later as working away. So after I left mid afternoon she has massive argument with poor DH who is already having counselling (partly from previous rocky period as well as other things). She is so unsympathetic and uncaring and verbally very attacking. DH in pieces, DD just continued attack. And flounced off to boyfriends saying would be back for 11. Just arriving back now. Refused lift back and DH couldn't face scene if just went to fetch her. He now has two hour drive and has to be up early. He's broken and I'm fuming with her. She has a brilliant social life. Saw boyfriend 2 or 3 times in week. Nightclub Friday and friend stayed over Saturday. Don't know how this is going to go but we have been on edge of throwing her out before for stunts like this. Is this what we have to do to save DH from total breakdown. When she decides she is doing something there is no compromise, no care of the impact on others. It seems the more understanding and caring we are the more she takes. Someone please give me a plan to change this before she throws away a lovely home and family.

did your DH engage with her though, did he let her negotiate so that both people's needs were met through compromise (being the adult) and listen to her plans which had included a way that she could achieve her wants (ie see her boyfriend) and please her dad (ie coming home later on) or did he just make a demand and expect her to comply unquestioningly.

You make great claims as to how everyone was happy when your children were well behaved, and it seems as if your DH cannot cope with having his authority questioned. This could result in kids holding it all together whilst young, but once their individuality develops as they move into teens, it will obviously cause fractions. Given a likely issue with your son's diagnosis (which, if like my own family, manifested at onset of puberty and transfer to secondary school) this will have made a really intense and difficult period.

I HAVE gone through nearly 2 years of this same thing. Our life literally fell apart as a result of a previously undiagnosed ASD child (well, 2 actually, and partner, and possibly self - havent quite finished that journey yet) as they transitioned to secondary. Life cannot be the same again, and however much 'wishing that they would all behave' goes on, it just aint going to happen without a major rethink on all sides. Im sorry but its not reasonable to expect that everyone will pussyfoot around your husband so that he doesnt get upset.

I HAVE read your other post and it may well be worth him looking at ASD himself, because his inflexibility is going to make him prone to meltdown himself if things lose their ordered and controlled state, - he seems to have managed to keep his cool, but when challenged it eventually got too much for him. And yet her proposal was not unreasonable, and she is doing her studies and holding down a job.

The meltdowns and issues around diagnosis havent just impacted on you and him. They WILL have been very difficult for DD. Also she will see that DS used meltdowns and has had alot of understanding - there may be elements of unfairness that she feels can only be equalled with 'stuff'. My DS (who actually also has Aspergers) had to have his own help to deal with his sisters ASD/PDA behaviour.

this website might be useful - your DD may or may not have PDA (alot of what you say does remind me of my own 15 year old girl) but parents of children both with and without PDA have found this a good approach.

Its hard to let go of the dictatorial. I had it as a child and struggled greatly, I know my mother had it too and we both left home young and not fully prepared for adulthood. we were not given any tools in how to negotiate and reason, it was just 'no' and no leeway

Thanks nettle for the website link. I think the plan b explosive child thing is very useful and has worked for quite a few situations with my DD. Im not usually dictatorial anyway there is lots of negotiation and compromise going on every day. Unfortunately, the incident of my OP was something we had discussed and agreed with her in advance but she added seeing her boyfriend into the mix at the last minute and because of the additional complications and because she was going back on what was agreed we said no. And you can't always say yes to what they want unfortunately. Don't think she has PDA incidentally as she had no indication of this in her early years, although I'm no expert.

Hi nettle how did you get help for sibling btw?

It was CAMHs - they were seeing DD (who we never would have suspected with ASD/PDA until recently) and they suggested a group for DS. However it was possible to self refer, or ask a GP to refer.
It was a support group for children who had siblings with SN.

Pretty. How do you disengage with teen when she just won't let you disengage, will block your route to get out, so you have to just stand there and take what she is saying. (Or physically push past her which we don't do). It can leave you feeling trapped and under attack. She won't let you talk her round just repeats no tell me why I can't. If you explain, she says that's not a reason, tell me a reason. She will only accept a reason she agrees with and thinks is good enough.

Thanks nettle I'll look into that.

How do you disengage? Sit on floor and say nothing. Not that difficult.

OP you are getting caught up in specifics - he said she said. That is the stuff of the playground.

Please read Mathanxiety's posts. They are insightful and clear. Something needs to change. In the absence of anyone else changing it has to be YOU.

Getting the whole family to go to family counselling would seem essential. I don't know how to persuade you all to go - but would imagine that this is a very common problem connected with family therapy and there are probably ways of dealing with it. Can something she wants be dependent on going to the sessions?

Looking at your other thread, it seems that your DD isn't getting a lot of what she needs from her dad as a parent. I wonder if she's looking for an alternative man to tell her she's likeable, and perhaps to be there for her more reliably. Your DH has told you that you're not good enough for him to stick being around; not in so many words, but he's hreatened to leave and claims you're driving him to it. Likewise both children. From what you've said, it seems that things are sometimes fine, and much improved on recent years, and during these times your DH is lovely and 'tries hard'. Perhaps he isn't the only one trying at those times. But when things go wrong, there seems to be a U turn in your DH's attitude. He becomes angry (sometimes losing his temper), deeply resentful, bitter, grudge-keeping, and past crimes that aren't forgiven are resurrected and blamed for his mental health. You seem to cope with this by trying to appease him but it isn't going to work. No one can have a good relationship like that. Perhaps your DD sense this; you said she is clever.

All the sympathy in the world won't keep your DH on an even keel because you are never going to be perfectly organised and the children are never going to never lose their temper and always be grateful. And they will always push boundaries and take whatever they think might be on offer, because that is part and parcel of being a teenager. But seems that that your DH judges you all by your worst moments without taking into account the good times. So basically, your DD is not good enough for her father and never will be.

Meanwhile, when he's not in good parent mode, he sounds extremely crap. I wonder if there is really anything that your DD can rely on him for except his driving license and his wallet - perhaps that's partly why she's obsessed with it. He doesn't seem to love her. Doesn't like her. Can't commit to being there for her. Holds things against her in a manner that would be disappointing in a spouse but seems chilling in a parent. Loses his temper - don't know what that looks like but it crosses 'shows anger appropriately and maintains a controlled environment' off the list. He can't parent her flaws firmly and lovingly because to do that, he'd need to be sure he was going to be there for her, would have to believe in her inherent worth, would have to be focused on her and not him. Instead, he keeps tabs on all he does for her, even though it would seem that you are both doing so much for her because you prefer life like that, without tantrums, rather than because you believe it is best for her in any shape or form. So that seems more about you than about her. Nevertheless, she's supposed to be grateful, which seems as long as a piece of string in terms of the behaviour it's supposed to cover. At all times, it seems that your DH is aware of you all and what he's giving you, doing for you, expecting in return. Is it surprising that your DD is aware of each situation in the same way, appraising it for what she wants and feels that she needs at any given moment? And is it surprising that she, like your DH, seems to have a switch that flicks into 'disaster mode', when everything is seen as a catastrophe, the last straw, the end, and all so dreadful that any amount of resentment and bitterness is justified?

How do you know she hasn't twigged that her dad's love and support is so highly conditional as to be pretty much a lost cause, and is now, on the back of shame and stress connected with being the 'villain' of the family, thinking 'might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb'?

This is not loving parenting, any of it. You are parenting however you think is going to keep your marriage together by appeasing your DH. It has more to do with what you want from the rest of your life than with helping your children to live the rest of their lives. Yet when your DD does the same - lives as she wants, from the sounds of it doing the best she can to get by without anyone believing in her or liking her or being commited to changing her environment according to what's in her best interests - you find her intolerably selfish. And she sounds driven, rather than cruel, with filthy PMT to boot. (Though please note that if she was hitting you over the head with a frying pan and not giving a toss about your injuries, I wouldn't say it was your fault.)

In the past, I've always found it hard to be likeable with those who have thought me unlikeable, or to appear unselfish with those who had a predisposition to finding me selfish. I have found that the best version of myself comes up when I'm accepted, when someone lovingly sees the best in me and isn't afraid to affirm it, yet isn't afraid to tell me when I need to catch myself on, or have hurt them. Isn't this what parenting should be like? Instead, everything you've said about your DD suggests that you wrote her off when she was about 12. Even her cleverness is talked about in the context of her manipulativeness. This will be affecting her far more than you seem to realise.

When I was growing up, my brother had an undiagnosed condition that made for a lot of stress in the household. Although I was a very difficult child, I exhibited the feelings of stress by being 'difficult'. I would have looked aggressive, or addicted to something, rather than vulnerable and 'falling apart'. I don't even know if I was aware of the stress I was under. You have written off the trauma that your DD has undergone in connection with her brother and her father; with her brother, you have said that she was like that before anyway. She was twelve. With her dad, you've said that she hasn't been told the whole story, and in any case, is only being asked to be nice to him and not give him a hard time. But not giving someone a hard time when they are making inexplicable demands and disapproving your existence is a terribly difficult thing to do, and all the lifts and cash in the world will not hide that fact. Also, it doesn't really matter what you have told her explicitly. Both your children will absorb the truth of the situation in all its awfulness - it's amazing the way children can do this.

Unfortunately, the incident of my OP was something we had discussed and agreed with her in advance but she added seeing her boyfriend into the mix at the last minute and because of the additional complications and because she was going back on what was agreed we said no.

I can understand where you are coming from here. As a parent I understand it completely.

Looking back on my teenage years though, I remember feeling very hemmed in by my parents lack of flexibility, especially around things that IMO didn't impact on them at all. My parents didn't (and still don't) respect the fact that I had a life separate to them, and some times my plans would change even though theirs hadn't. I am not saying that is actually the case in your house, because I don't know, but your husband does sound inflexible to a point.

You don't have to "stand and take it" but by disengaging from the situation you are not only withdrawing from it visibly to her, but also within yourself. You need to tune out and remember that her attack is not personal to you. It may feel very personal, but it isn't. You are the parent so you are the one she rails against. She may say very hurtful and nasty things, but once your mindset changes from one of blaming her to one of trying to understand her, you may see that the things she says are an outward expression of how much she is hurting inside. I know that sounds a bit lentil weavy, and is much easier to say than it is to do in the heat of the moment, but it is often said that when our children are the most unlovable that is when they need the most love.

Perhaps, as other posters have suggested, you and your DH need to compromise your own plans for her less than you have been doing, and then you won't feel like she "owes" you in return. So stop giving lifts, stop buying things beyond the basics. Stop going out of your way for her. That can be done at the same time as giving her more respect and giving her more emotional understanding.

If she kicks off about that you calmly state your reason, and then you disengage.

face if she gets verbally agressive and attacking, just ignore her, the same way as you would a tantruming toddler!

If you can leave the room, do so - go to the loo, or leave the house. If she stands in front of the door to prevent you leaving the room, then don't cause a confrontation by trying to leave - just start doing something else in the room and pretend she's not there!

Don't try and "talk her round" or explain - she doesn't have to "accept it". Stop trying to change what she believes - she doesn't have to like or agree with what you say, all you expect is for her to comply with what you are asking - and make sure she knows, in advance, what the consequences will be if she doesn't. Be prepared for her to defy you, and be prepared to follow through with the consequence. IMO, she's too old to have belongings confiscated, or grounding/curfews, but you can use things like lifts from you and her Dad, access to home wifi and any money you would give her - just work out what is of highest value to her.

If you disenage, then you won't feel trapped or "under attack" which sounds very dramatic - treat it for what it is, a teenager who has limited skills in moderating her own behaviour. She's having a tantrum - leave her to calm down.

You don't need her approval or acceptance. The important part is to demonstrate that you are prepared to engage with her when she is reasonable. Teach her to discuss and negotiate - draw attention to and praise when she achieves something positive - even if that is nothing more than loading the dishwasher when asked.

But alongside that, teach her that confrontations, and verbally attacking behaviour does not work, because you just ignore her.

Don't we all only accept reasons that we agree with and think are good enough? Why would we accept one that we think is crap?

I am really starting to see why situations escalate so much when your teenager having a non violent strop is being seen as you being 'trapped' and 'under attack', which is how I imagine she feels when she senses you are blaming her for your husband's mental health problems and holding her responsible for his equilibrium (and you are). Your language in relation to yourself always seems to be geared to how helpless you are, how totally without control or agency, but when posters try to explain to you that you could be something other than a passive victim, you get defensive and offended.

Honestly, OP, you have said so many bad things about your daughter and so few good ones over the course of the thread that I am really finding myself wondering if you love her or even like her? I'm sure the same doubts are in her head and they're not conducive to positive responses.

I'm also not hugely surprised that she is aggressive or stubborn in these talks. Because even when she has a heart to heart with you, your response is to criticise her for being attention seeking and emotionally manipulative (which actually sounds exactly like your husband to me). Why should she be vulnerable with you when that is how you're going to interpret it? If you already see her as the cause of everything bad in your family, and treat her as such, why are you surprised that she acts out the role you've cast her in?

It really, really worries me that you see her bad behaviour as being entirely on her own head (the very title of this thread blames her, a kid, completely for the breakdown of the relationship with her adult father) - but her decent behaviour, like not shoplifting or getting pregnant, is attributed to your parenting. She can't seem to get any credit for being decent, but she's supposed to take all the blame for being difficult, with your husband's equilibrium on top of that?

You are all obviously deeply unhappy within your home situation (I am sorry for that) and I don't understand why your daughter is the only one who's not allowed to have or express this negativity. Rather than bewailing that she isn't nice enough to you during conversations, or dragging up isolated stroppy incidents from two years ago, your whole family needs to pull together to try to fix the foundations in your home from the bottom up. Your son's ASD is obviously nobody's fault, but it will have an effect on all of you, so you need to pull together, with professional help, to find a way to cope with it that involves you all. Your husband needs to take a bit of ownership of his condition, get professional help and genuinely be receptive to it. In the meantime, if you all come at that as a team as well, your daughter is more likely to act in ways that aid his recovery - once she sees he is taking action himself, for everyone's good, and it is not being laid at her door.

I'm sure that if your daughter got the impression - the very real, honest impression - that she is part of a team with you all, one for all and all for one, respected as an individual and as part of your family group (rather than the 'othered' scapegoat that you seem to be making her), you'll find her more responsive. She will probably still have the odd teenage strop because that's what they do. You need to stop taking them personally, making them all about you and escalating them into examples of dreadful, irreversible character flaws which you hold against her for years. Because that is just ridiculous, and it will damage her.

(On a small side point, I see someone says we are not supposed to look at other threads. I haven't heard that and I don't agree. If someone voluntarily shares information on a public website, in several instances under the same name, I don't see anything wrong with accessing it. If anything, when dealing with a tricky and complex situation like this, I feel it's more ethical to get as much publicly available information as possible before presenting the OP with an opinion or solution.)

I would have looked aggressive, or addicted to something, rather than vulnerable and 'falling apart'.

This is interesting. My mum told me, three years after I left home (at 17) that they thought I was on drugs from the age of 13 to 17. I was actually depressed and at times suicidal, struggling socially, desperately unhappy at home and generally felt like I was drowning. But they failed to see that and instead wrote me off as a problem child...it also begs the question, if they thought I was on drugs why was that never mentioned or acted upon? What kind of parent does nothing when they suspect their teen is taking drugs?

But I digress. Another excellent post blythe.

I suspect that your DD is very scared by the realisation that there are situations that you and her dad are unable to cope with; situations in which you feel overwhelmed, and fearful.

That would undoubtedly be scary for her no matter what the cause - DCs grow up trusting their parents to be able to "fix" things, be the strong ones, the ones they can turn to when they themselves can't cope. It's a common fear in DC's whose parent suffers from a personality disorder - the realisation that their parent cannot be guaranteed to be there consistantly for them.

Your DD is not only dealing with that reality - that you and her Dad can't cope with whatever life throws at you, but, also that it is actually her own actions that you can't cope with. She must be terrified that she has noone to turn to, noone to be strong when she needs it - because she scares her own parents, the ones that she relies on to pick up the pieces when things go wrong.

My God, blythe, please write a book. Pretty is on the mark as well.

OP What other posters say is right. Sometimes, the only difference between a tantrumming toddler and a tantrumming teenager, is the difference in size.....

Lizkeen That is heartbreaking.

[Maryz]
This whole thread started because your dh - not your dd - got himself into a state. It really is making a mountain out of a molehill because, when push comes to shove, all she did was go to see her boyfriend and come back on the last bus.

The only thing that prevented you from experiencing peace of mind as you headed off for your work commitment was your DH losing it.

The triangular relationship that is going on here has as its end product a lot of drama, not solutions. Just out of your reach is the dramatic prospect of total victory. Until you wean yourself off your need for drama you are not going to be interested in working for solutions.

I am in a situation where if DD is told she can't do something she ramps up the confrontation and becomes verbally vitriolic, won't leave you alone, faces up to you and won't let you walk away from situation. So my choice is back down and let her do whatever she wants even if we have said no. Or finding a way of teaching her that she can't always get what she wants or intimidate and manipulate to get her own way. I think that is quite important for her to learn. It is in essence what I am asking for advice on. All the background stuff, while relevant does not take away from the essential question. How do I deal with this as a parent?

'So my choice is...' There is that taste for drama again. You have more choices than your script allows you to imagine. In order to make the answers to your essential question work, you are going to have to change how you see DD, DH and yourself.

Your script here is 'I am a victim/rescuer, DH is a victim, DD is a persecutor'.

You state that you try to have heart to heart talks with DD. This is you playing rescuer to DD. Rescuing is always a fundamentally disrespectful operation but it is an especially disrespectful stance towards a teenager because you are teaching her nothing useful about becoming an adult. Stop picking over her feelings. Feelings are not so important that they need to be shared, expressed, 'helped' with.

Feelings are never wrong, or right. Her schoolwork and progress or lack thereof are otoh very important and she needs help here. You are making her accountable to you for feelings but it appears you do not seem to be holding her accountable to you for the lack of effort and poor time management that are hamstringing her in school. You need to provide more structure when it comes to school/homework, in the context of her working towards something that will be great for her, that will enable her to take the next big step in her life, something you firmly believe she is capable of. Family meetings, sharing of calendars, making time and place neutral and not loaded with unspoken expectations and efforts to manipulate -- all important.

People need space to deal with feelings by themselves. If she doesn't come to you, don't go to her. If heart to hearts never involve family members apologising to each other then they are useless. Ask yourself if the heart to hearts are intended to provide you with affirmations of unconditional love from DD. No matter what, in your case these little talks are just skirmishing though not quite on the barricades as you all were a few days ago, and you see yourself how they escalate, fueled by entrenched habits of mind on both sides.

As a more respectful stance, develop better boundaries -- leave her feelings alone and respect her right to them. Accept that her feelings are not the issue here.

The script where you play victim to DD:
If she bothers you for stuff even after you discontinue these talks, you need to ask for her input into solving the problem of wanting X amount of stuff and having Y amount of money. Or if she wants to go out with friends, you need to ask for her input into how she will manage her social life as well as performing in school -- you need to see her calendar and her schedule for the week when she is asking to go out. Her weekly times/dates /events should be on the family calendar anyway. Don't come out with a load of rhetorical sounding questions when asking her how she is going to fit it all in. You want to convey belief in her ability to juggle everything, not a dog in the manger attitude or the expectation that she will fail. Just ask to see her proposed schedule, her week's homework and tests that she knows of, any record of long term assignments that are due, and ask her to point to the blocks of time she has reserved for getting work done. Ask her if she thinks her schedule arrangement is realistic. She should make a note on the family calendar of her plans to go out. You could ask the school to provide you with weekly feedback on homework handed in just to make sure her work is getting done. An email roundup system might be possible.

As an aside, at this point she is right on the cusp of being legal in clubs, etc. and making a point about being a minor comes across as you throwing your weight around. She may find clubbing is less attractive if it doesn't appear to wind you up.

She needs help establishing a solid sense of the passage of time and sticking to a schedule, not to have her feelings examined by someone with a huge stake in her answers who gives the impression that there are wrong and right feelings. What you need to do is put it all back into her lap, asking her to come up with solutions to questions of stuff-money/want-need, and inviting her to make her own decisions wrt time management, balancing the fact that she is in school and expected to produce homework with her desire to keep up with friends. The choice is really between fueling the drama vs. respecting DD enough to allow her space/respecting DD enough to work out her own solutions. The way to get there is to use the calendar where everyone meets as equals.

The foundation of getting rid of the drama is consciousness of boundaries on your part, along with which will develop your ability to recognise how drama rears its ugly head, and to make a conscious decision to squelch it.

Some good advice scattered with some unpleasant digs! I just wonder how you some of you feel so sure that because things were like this for you that this must be the case for the OP's dd? Can you not give good advice and insight without assuming the worst, which some posters still seem to want to do?

Who are you to say you wonder if the OP doesn't like or love her dd? That is a very cruel thing to say Sheba.

Pretty this seems very good advice....If you can leave the room, do so - go to the loo, or leave the house. If she stands in front of the door to prevent you leaving the room, then don't cause a confrontation by trying to leave - just start doing something else in the room and pretend she's not there!

I do wonder if this action may actually make the OP's dd even angrier but in some ways it is a way for the OP to take back control for herself.

..... and....

If she calmly tells you that she feels unloved and explains that you ltting her stay out all night would make her feel better, don't shut her down by saying "no, you're not going" and refuse to discuss it. Reward her positive behaviour (her calm attitude) by engaging with her. Discuss it, talk about why. Share your POV and listen to hers. Don't dismiss it. Even if the outcome isn't ultimately what she origionally asked for, by discussing and finding out what it is about what she wants that is most important, a compromise can be reached.

Good idea.

I hope you are feeling OK, Facefacts. thinking of you and all the family.

BTW -- any mention of suicide that is not accompanied by the statement

"I realise how terribly this would hurt you and the family and I have taken (am taking) active steps, with professional support, to make sure I manage those feelings myself. I take full responsibility for them, and I will make sure that I never act on them" (Or words to that effect.)

-- is always manipulative. Anything short of that leaves you minding him.

I have explained about the taking things from one thread to another. I was under the impression that this was a mumsnet guidelines. But I can't now find it, so I must have been wrong, and for that I apologise.

italian in shebas defence, the OP did say on page 2 that she wanted her DD to be easier to like.

That does imply that the OP doesn't like her DD much at the moment.
Again, the parallel With toddlers can be made - it should be the behaviour, not the person, that is disliked.

Unfortunately, the incident of my OP was something we had discussed and agreed with her in advance but she added seeing her boyfriend into the mix at the last minute and because of the additional complications and because she was going back on what was agreed we said no. And you can't always say yes to what they want unfortunately.

You should be open to saying yes if what she is adding on is reasonable and if she is willing to compromise -- get the last bus home and be home all night is (imo anyway) a reasonable compromise.

Just because she added it on at the last minute doesn't make it necessarily unreasonable.

Standing on principle 'you can't always say yes to what they want unfortunately' manufactures drama and gets you lots of it. If that is what you want then go for it.

Blytheandsebastian excellent post.

Excellent advice from lots of people on this thread, that I will store for when my ds is older, should I need it. However , I don't get the impression that the op is taking it on board.

I feel really sad for the dd here, I am wondering if she feels very lonely. I had distant relatives with a very similar family story (eating disorders not asd though). The best thing the dd ever did was move away from the family dynamic to a place abroad. She's like a new person now but she doesn't see the family much.

PrettyBrightFireflies Re italian in shebas defence, the OP did say on page 2 that she wanted her DD to be easier to like.

That does imply that the OP doesn't like her DD much at the moment.
Again, the parallel With toddlers can be made - it should be the behaviour, not the person, that is disliked.

Well firstly the fact one wants their dd to be easier to like does not automatically mean they do not like them personally, although it may. It may simply mean the child/teenager is hard to like. Over a number of years my dd was quite hard to 'like' at times! That is a hard thing to admit. easier to admit when looking in the rear view mirror. Not something I am proud of. Not something I told DD. It did not for a moment mean I stopped loving her but it made life difficult and like most normal people I would have liked to avoid some of the difficulties of life.

I also felt sorry that others might sometimes move away from my dd, either adults or other kids, if she were being rather difficult. Of course this did not always happen and she has managed to come through the difficult behavioural times as a rather wonderful young lady (aged 11) and I am immensely proud of her. But I know that there were times when friends or relatives showed displeasure at her difficult behaviour that I longed for her life and my life to be a bit easier and more normal all round!

And lastly the thing that some posters seem to completely miss here is that 'our' only link to this fragile and troubled teenager is the OP, our only way of influencing for good the situation for the OP and for her DD and for her DS and DH, if to communicate with the OP! Yet repeatedly posters make digs about how unreasonable they seem to find the attitude of the OP and how awfully they seem to view her! Unless she has super human strength this is going to make her (IMHO) less receptive to any good ideas or advice on here and more defensive.

The OP has come on to share a probelm that is affecting her and her family and people have rightly made some brilliant suggestions and shared some sad and harrowing tales from their own family life, which is all very helpful. But some insist on making very barbed comments which I feel are very unhelpful. I cannot for a second feel I would be more sensitive to this than the OP, so if I feel this she must too. This also shows a fundamental lack of understanding in how learning works (e.g. lots of posters trying to teach the OP things while also being rather unpleasant in the process).

Wanting your child or teenager to be more likeable does not mean you do not like them. To suggest this is cruel. It would be more helpful to ask an open ended question about how the OP feels about her dd. And how she may work on this.

A real turning point for me was when I realised how much my dd needed me, when she behaved as if she certainly did not need me, she needed me most. That gave me the strength to find the answers and to work towards a change. It was such a simple thing, and I could have missed it so easily. Tuning in to children sounds so easy, it just is not! But with support, it is possible.