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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 06/12/2015 22:51

This reply has been deleted

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Potatoface2 · 06/12/2015 22:58

could he be depressed and doesnt know how to express how he feels....you both need to talk...alone when kids are at school....if he is he needs help....all hes doing at the moment is making everyone else down.....men do not like to admit they are not coping and need help

NameChange30 · 06/12/2015 23:05

Couple's counselling? This could help get to the bottom of it. It could be that he's depressed, or OW, or he's just fallen out of love with you... In any case whatever the reason it must be heartbreaking for you to hear it. Look after yourself OP. Is there anyone you can talk to? Close friend, sister?

2anddone · 06/12/2015 23:07

Reading your post could have been me 2 1/2 years ago. He had a midlife crisis and announced me and the dc weren't enough anymore. My xh refused any help but I offered counselling and whatever I could to get our marriage back on track. Unfortunately it had according to him been on his mind for 6 months before he said anything.
I really hope you stay strong and manage to get some answers. Sorry to ask this but are you sure there isn't anyone else? My xh said the same and even though I know there wasn't deep down I wonder if there was someone who he was interested in that wasn't interested in him and the baggage he had with him ((hugs))

Daisychain5 · 06/12/2015 23:08

Sorry, but I bet there is someone else....without a shadow of a doubt.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 23:19

Thanks for responses. I am struggling to process what is happening.

He has had one 'midlife crisis' before at age 30 when he decided he didn't want children after all. Cue much angst and unhappiness. Then we had 2 dc and have muddled along with lovely times and crappy times since. He is now 40.

I have considered could there be someone else. I know many many women say he isn't the type (he isn't) and are proved wrong. I am not insisting there is not but I don't think so, yet.

I don't know how to behave. Try to make things work through being kind to each other. Assert myself as I have been hurt and insulted. We have two little children, I don't want to play games.

I have very good friends and a good sister. This is hard to share though. I will tell a close friend and my sister. They will be shocked too. I just don't want this to be happening.

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 06/12/2015 23:22

You don't know if there's someone else Daisy and saying stuff like that is neither helpful or kind.

Solasum · 06/12/2015 23:25

I hope it isn't, but being snappy and then coming out with this also made me think OW, and feeling guilty about it. Has he been more protective than usual of his phone, or working different hours?

Cloppysow · 06/12/2015 23:25

Op the best thing i think you can do is go with the information he's given you in a really practical way. No hand wringing, nothing too emotional. Get on with life in a very practical way, and force him to have the balls to do something. That something may be leaving, but it could just as easily be fixing things.

LucySnow12 · 06/12/2015 23:25

Has he been secretive with his phone? I would have a look at it just to confirm where you stand. I find it hard to accept that he is unhappy yet can't explain why. That doesn't sit right with me. Sorry but I think someone is turning his head.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2015 23:30

I don't know how to behave.
I don't want to play games
Behave as if he told the truth. Behave as if the marriage is over. As calmly as you can, collect all the paperwork, see a solicitor etc. He's had a while to think and plan, you've been caught unawares. Time to catch up so you can make any decisions you need to make from a good position. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.
Cheeky bastard. Is he hoping you'll work on his unhappiness? Perhaps dance naked every night on a spotless dining table after his five course dinner and then cuddle him to sleep after wild sex of his choosing and promise to try harder to make him happy?

I can't believe he is looking bereft and guilting you. How fucking dare he?! I hope you are finding your anger!

Cherrybakewells1 · 06/12/2015 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrybakewells1 · 06/12/2015 23:44

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Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 23:54

Thanks so much for all the input.

No, not secretive with his phone. Female friend at work who has come to my attention recently though.

I am not going to change myself at all. I have a very happy and busy life, apart from this devastation. He is less satisfied with his life than me and I hsve worried in the past that our happiness is unequal. My cheeriness and enthusiasm seems to irritate him. Hard to admit, but true.

I have looked forward to December for ages, and now this. I can't fathom how he could consider breaking our children's hearts.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 07/12/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

muffinheaven · 07/12/2015 00:16

I could have written your post almost 2 years ago. I had exactly the same conversation with my DH, he was always irritable, little bit off and generally just not himself. He assured me it was just the pressure of work and financially we were struggling a bit as he works for himself. I believed him and continued to believe him whilst trying to take all the pressure of children and home off him as he was working long, long hours. 4 weeks ago I found out he has been having an affair for the past 3 years. He had been meeting OW for 10 months and had just slept with her for the first time around the time I confronted him. I could kick myself for not taking more notice of what might be going on, in a million years I would never of guessed my DH would have an affair. I hope this is not the case in your situation but dig a bit deeper now - I really wish I had done.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 07/12/2015 00:29

I can't sleep. Should I go down and check his phone? Scared of being caught and also scared incase I find something. I am concerned this is not a good path to follow, this kind of sneaky behaviour is not me at all. It puts me in the wrong whereas so far I have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 07/12/2015 00:44

Do it what have you got to lose op.

LeaLeander · 07/12/2015 01:05

He said he did not want children. Women, if a man says that, believe him, don't try to change his mind. I am afraid this is the predictable outcome of doing so.

Men in general, I have found (of course there are exceptions) are less into parenthood than women, and more likely to go off the rails when the predictable stress and tedium and messiness of day-to-day life with little kids comes to pass.

Sorry for what you are experiencing. You've got a tough row to hoe ahead of you.

OP, don't stoop to checking his phone, etc. As another poster said, take him at face value. Direct your energies to planning the next phase of your life. I wouldn't want someone with me if he had to be cajoled or reasoned into staying.

theescripted · 07/12/2015 01:13

Every time I have had the urge to check a phone, I have been proved right (aka found something). Your gut feeling is there for a reason. Sorry to say but I think there is OW and yes I would be checking the phone. You have every right to.

GingerIvy · 07/12/2015 01:20

I don't know if I would check the phone or not, but if my oH said that to me then a separation would be likely.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 07/12/2015 01:50

Still awake. And I hear you. I now think there has to at least be an infatuation. As this has honestly come like a bolt from the blue.

He adores our kids. I just can't believe he could risk this.

Do I want to know right before Christmas?

OP posts:
GingerIvy · 07/12/2015 02:09

I would want to know but that is just me. Whether there is OW or not is irrelevant IMO. His bereft act sounds suspiciously like someone who wants to see how many hoops you will jump through to keep him happy. Sort of a warm up to the pick me dance, if you will.

Remember this in no way has to be "you waiting for him to decide if he wants you." You are free to decide that as he has signalled that the martiage is over, then plans need to be made quickly and acted upon to separate. You don't need his approval nor do you need to justify your decision to him.

theescripted · 07/12/2015 02:30

Yes, I would want to know. Because then I could start dealing with it. It'll be shit at any time of year but I wouldn't be able to cope with that sicky feeling every day while I wondered. As soon as I knew, I could start making plans to protect myself and to move on, in whatever form that took.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 07/12/2015 02:39

I'm thinking the same as LeaLeander. And a man can 'adore' his children whilst simultaneously not wanting to deal with the day to day slog that goes along with having them. That's why so many men seem to be able to blithely skip off into the sunset and leave their children behind when they divorce and are happy to see them for a few hours a week. And these are men who actively wanted children. At least, I assume they did.

Right now you need to back away, quit trying to figure him out. Take care of yourself and the children. See a solicitor. Protect yourself financially. After all, this is the second time he's done this to you.