DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

Hi, I don't know why I'm coming back to this thread, just wanted to update. Feeling reflective this morning.

Husband left day after Christmas. I have not fallen to bits. The children are coping so so well, I am so proud of them. We are doing well as a three. Have changed round the house, changed round the finances, still not got mortgage sorted but have a plan.

Husband has been disappointing on all fronts. Has not been nearly as desp to see the children as I expected. Has needed to be told to contact and see them on occasion. He has drifted off into his 'new', unknown life. He frequently has 'plans' that mean he is unavailable for the children. I don't know if there is someone else and while this would obviously have an impact on me, I am not going to dig as it really is not my concern now. I don't think there is, but how would I know.

My friendships are amazing and have got me through. Wonderful women picking me up. Kids are ok which is main thing. But I keep getting hit with shock, even 6 weeks later. How has this happened? I trusted him so absolutely. He was a pain in the arse a lot, but I always thought that was offset by being reliable, dependable, trustworthy etc. I don't miss him, I really don't. I am enjoying being in charge and sorting everything out. But I do feel I could never trust a male again. I do feel unpredictable in a way I don't like - I remain in general bright and positive. But sometimes, like the middle of the night and this morning, I feel aggrieved for my children and just bewildered that this has all happened.

I know in the small hours you will wonder why but for now you are moving on with your life and happiness with your children.
He is now showing you he didn't really care about the family.
One true sad selfish man.
Good luck with your new beginnings.
And be proud of being a strong woman and mother.

Hi in the air, I could pretty much write your post (except for the other woman part; I booted mine after I found out, though I am pretty sure he is not with her) and especially relate to the parts about not really missing him, enjoying friends and being in charge. Those positives have got me through the last 9 months. Life is actually OK day to day. My children are doing pretty well, all in all, which is the most important thing to me.

However, I know that bleak feeling too and feeling of complete bewilderment. I think I thought that when marriages break down there just really must be a reason or something wrong that was obvious. I, like you, am still completely shocked. My husband was not that guy. He absolutely adored me, I was "the one". I'm not delusional: several of our friends and his mother and sister (!) have told me this too. He seemed to respect me so much more than many other husbands around that I see. We had regular sex, he still seemed reasonably attracted to me, and we got on. And then he was "that guy" (middle-aged successful guy with 20 years younger mistress). To say that it is a complete and utter mindfuck doesn't even begin to describe what it does to you. Like you, I don't see how I can ever, ever trust again. He was the ONE guy I ever trusted. I was not naive and inexperienced (I was in my thirties when I got married). I thought I was so lucky and found one of the good ones. I would have told you that he could never have done the things he did. I so massively sympathise and empathise. I am really sorry for your pain.

All I can say, is one foot in front of the other. You are doing great, and you are on your way to a good life. You (and I) just need to see what that is! In the meantime, big hugs. I don't know if it will help you, but something that helps me when I am low is to remind myself that those feelings are just all part of the process to get through this incredibly difficult period and the sooner I experience them, the sooner they go away. I don't think we can escape the awful times, but we can try to see that there is something different, and I'm pretty sure better, on the other side. X

Hi ladies, I admire you all so much , intheair and don'tknow are brilliant , I am with you on your journey , just like you don'tknow my husband treat me like a queen, my soulmate ,my best friend , and he too on March 10th last year after a week in Egypt with me told me he was having an affair since Xmas ! He was 50 in the May , left for a 40 yr old at work with kids 6 and 11 !!! Ours both left home 24 and 20 !!!! Karma is not to be unkind but now he is living with consequences , his kids don't trust him and I am trying to move on , I will take inspiration from you both , I am 50 in May so getting ready for my midlife crisis now lol xxx

dontknowwhat, I am so sorry this has happened to you but it is a help to hear of someone in a similar situation. It's the shock, isn't it? We both seem to be moving forward and keeping our positivity but there are times when you just stop and think WHAT? How on earth has this come to pass.
I wish you all the very best, and you kirk. We need to lean on our friends as I've found female support and love makes it all doable. I have no doubt once I'm through this and out the other side I'll have a better future than if he'd stayed. I hope you feel the same.

Hi thanks for making me realise that What I'm feeling is normal I have those bleak dread like feelings, not as often as I did. My husband left in October said he wasn't happy but it's been pretty up and down. it is the fact that the person you loved and trusted seems to have disappeared and what is left is a selfish man who cares only for himself and his child after. But I just wanted to say you seem to be doing really well, I'm doing most things well, working and looking after my daughter, but my self confidence and esteem has been knocked to an all time low. But reading your thread makes me realise I'm not the only one going through this and I am doing the best I can take care

How did it all work out in the end? I'm going thorough this same pain now. Its horrific, I'm so lost and confused