DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

I'd check the phone. Not conclusive but you might as well while you can. As a pp said he's been thinking this over, you've been blindsided.

I went down but he was lying awake too. I was ice-cold instead of broken-hearted. Well, both really.

Will see what today brings.

Good luck with it all today.

I do wonder if he's been crossing the line in his head for a while. What's your gut feeling?

Gut feeling is he's ruined our relationship through this.

I'm so sorry

You know, if you don't have a lot left to lose, you could ask him to give his phone so you can look through it and see what he's been up to (including deleting stuff).

Or you can plan ahead, regardless of the phone.

I did that. He gave it to me. Nothing there. It's now more that I don't trust him and he could consider living without is. How do you recover from that?

Tell him to leave. See what that brings. And cherchez la femme.

Being initially cautious, I'd tell him that if he thinks he is the one with the problem then he should seek professional help. Many people do have depression and don't deal with it.
But, I'd be taking a step back and protect myself emotionally and financially. And wouldn't wait forever.

Hard though it is I'd get on with December, busy time I know. Don't simper or keep pushing him to make decisions he may just be having a wobble and if you back him into a corner he may make hasty ones.
Let him stew on what he has said for a bit he needs to take responsibility for it by himself.

I have certainly asked outright and he says no. Best friend's husband has met this woman and says absolutely not, nothing going on and this was from a night out last week. He says totally no way.

I have made it crystal clear I won't be waiting around. I've said if he doesn't want us please leave and if he does want us there is going to be a long journey to repair what's beeb crushed. At moment he is saying let's try to fix this.

I am going to ready myself. I won't be anyone's fool.

You sound understandably insulted on behalf of your children. When my ExH left us I was staggered at how easily he just walked out on them. It really shook me that he could do that.

I realised then that I hadn't a clue who he was.

I think that's the crucial bit of trust you'll need to rebuild if your relationship stands any chance of succeeding.

I'd take him at his word and knowing he didn't want to be with me would most definitely end it for me. I'd tell him to move out to give me some time to think. If he wants to make it work he needs to be proactive, see his doctor and arrange counselling.

I won't be anyone's fool.

Good for you.

I imagine he thought he was going to get more time to indulge in sadface bereftness while you tried to talk him around.

Is that what happened when he said he didn't want kids?

I'm so sorry, OP. I really, really feel for you. As others have said, I have been in your shoes, and it was an absolutely horrendous experience. My experience in this:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360927-Yes-Im-another-one-Husband-doesnt-love-me-anymore

I had some wonderful advice on there, and it got me active, which was something that I needed, as I was just frozen in my own life.

In my case, as you'll see several pages into the thread, there WAS an OW (two, as it happens). That may well not be the case for you (and the fact his phone was "clean" is helpful - but did you check any apps like WhatsApp, etc.?), but there is a script, and your husband is following it. It sounds like you've clued into that, so you will be more aware than I was if it turns out to be true. It's not a certainty, but know that many of us on here NEVER thought it would happen to us. Our friends and family are still in absolute shock at his actions. He was not "that guy" who could do something like that; and then he actually was. He was the only man I ever trusted, adored me, etc. It IS possible, and anyone who thinks otherwise is hopelessly naive, though I envy them in their naivety.

Regardless of whether there is an OW, please, please don't make the mistake I did and sit passively while he twiddles his thumbs contemplating whether he wants to stay or go. It destroyed me. I've had to pick what little shreds of ego I still had off the floor, and I'm slowly pulling it back together with the help of a counsellor. It seems counterintuitive, but by acting you also increase the chances that your marriage will survive because you will force him to contemplate you as a person again, instead of some abstract thing that floats around his personhood.

And, yes, of course my husband wants to come back after I threw him out . . . my life has turned into a cliche.

I truly wish you the best.

OP

Good on you. So glad to hear you've told him to sort his shit out.

The best advice I've ever seen on a thread like this is to hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Stay strong. Don't take one bit of shit. He should recognise what he has and if he doesn't, his loss.
They always regret it once it's gone and want it back. Be funny if it wasn't so heartbreakingly sad that families are breaking up.

Stay on this thread, you'll get heaps of support.

I think in your position I'd change the balance here. I'd tell him I'm not prepared to be in a marriage where my husband doesn't 100% want me. Say this isn't good enough for you any more. Might focus his mind back on to what's important.

It is quite possible that he threw that at you as a sort of "put up with my moods or I'm out", expecting you to do anything to keep him. Except it backfired and rightly so.

He's threatening you - he can't live with you because you don't trust him. Shut up and don't you dare step out of line or I'll leave you. Wanker.

I'm sorry to say that I would stake everything I own on there being an ow.

He knew you wouldn't find anything on his phone, that's because you don't know where to look (WhatsApp, secret email folder, work email?) or because he has another phone.

He's causing this, not you. Google the 'script' and find your anger. Good luck.

sorry OP - this is awful.

i would tell him to leave.
just sling him out.
an xmas out of the house might soften his cough.
i would keep looking for evidence of an OW.

Tell him to move out as you aren't prepared to set your life in aspic and wait for him. That will give him the necessary reality check. I say this as someone who has been in the exact same scenario. There was an OW in my case. I strongly suspect there is in your's too. The reason I say that is that it is very very rare for a man to up and leave his wife and dcs unless he has someone else on his mind. There are exceptions, but generally speaking that is true.

Think about it, someone begging you to stay becomes a rather pitiful unattractive being. Someone telling you to sling your hook shuts off your options and makes things very real. Shut off his options. He'll either come crawling back, in which case you can decide whether or not that is what you want on your own terms, or he'll disappear in which case you've just speeded up what was going to happen anyway and saved yourself months of heart ache.

Put yourself and the dcs first.

You poor darling. He is really being a shit!

My advice is to get him out of the house and see a solicitor about protecting yourself financially. I think, ow or not (and I suspect there is one in the background somewhere), what he has done has made your relationship irreparable. Of course you don't trust him - his is untrustworthy. You cannot rely on him to care for you or have your best interests at heart.

Please don't let him rewrite your history and make this all your fault. And definitely don't do that thing where you wait around for him to see his mistake. It's too late - the damage is done. Focus on looking after yourself and your dc x

At work. Found it hard to come in. This thread is such a support, thank you.

You sound very strong and focussed OP, good on you.

Agree with PPs. I'd probably say, 'Look, I love you/adore you/want to be together but I'm not living with a man who doesn't feel that way about me, so you have to go.'

If he can't commit whole-heartedly, then get him out the house. Show him what its going to be like in the future...weekend parenting etc, etc.

If he wants to make it work, this would hopefully make him open up/agree to counselling/see GP, whatever.

Does he have an iPhone? Iphones have a 'frequent location' tracker in the (ironically!) privacy settings. You can clear the history but I doubt he'll know about it.