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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 07/12/2015 21:35

His behaviour changed about a month ago...can you remember anything about that time that could have triggered it?

BloodontheTracks · 07/12/2015 21:36

your strength is brilliant, by the way. I love that you smashed him out of his 'don't approach me' sullen mood of hiding. What a teenager!
I would not trust what he says for the next little while. If I were you I would claim to know more than I do because the sooner his self-pitying charade is over the quicker you can make plans for yourself and your kids. He really should be the one being active here. He is forcing you to take stands, make moves, without giving you ANY honesty or big picture here. It is WOEFUL.

mix56 · 07/12/2015 21:36

He is sobbing.......God that is so annoying.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 07/12/2015 21:37

He has been hugely sobbing for ages but not done anything to apologise for ruining my peace of mind and our future as a family. It appears there is none.

Because he expected you to do the 'pick me dance' and otherwise cater to, and make no demands of, him. As the old saying goes 'Be careful what you wish for….". He's not sobbing because he is truly sorry, he's sobbing because he didn't get the result from you that he wanted.

The next move, at the least, is a retreat into quiet dignity on your part. You have stated your feelings. You know that you are right, that you are the injured party. Offer no concessions, offer no sympathy. Quiet dignity with a touch of loftiness at his idiocy. Whether or not to ask him to leave before Christmas is up to you, based on what you know of your children.

And I apologize for my part in derailing and 'squabbling'. I try hard not to do that, but every so often someone gets my goat. Sorry.

LionHeartedWoman · 07/12/2015 21:38

You do know, with certainty, that you did absolutely nothing wrong. You don't need me to tell you that. But it is good to be reminded

torontonian · 07/12/2015 21:38

Oh, and I forgot: my living room is now the storage room, I need to deal with all his mess, he still uses the toilet that I clean to poo, etc. And yes, I need to clean because there are kids involved :(

ivykaty44 · 07/12/2015 21:41

He decided to launch this two weeks before Christmas, rather selfish not to wait until afterwards.

But op it would be awful for you if he stayed now so finish what he has decided to start and get him out

Look after yourself

By the way I think the tears are that of realisation and guilt

Cherrybakewells1 · 07/12/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaitlinktm · 07/12/2015 21:43

Agree completely with ThatsNiceDear.

Did you sob when he told you he didn't know if he still wanted to be with you two weeks before Christmas? Did you risk distressing the children?

He started this - what on earth did he expect you to say/do? It looks like he expected you to carry on cooking, cleaning, washing, looking after his children and putting up with his sullen, scowling moods because "he has had a bad day". I don't suppose yours was a walk in the park.

Honestly, what a selfish git.

kaitlinktm · 07/12/2015 21:48

... and I can empathise with Torontonian too.

I had to put up with living with a STBX for nearly a year. During this time, yes, I had to continue doing what I did to protect the children who were in important exam years. This didn't stop him however taking two breaks abroad (paid for out of our joint account) to visit OW. He never tidied up after himself or put his clean clothes away - I had to put up with them piled on the piano. Apparently, when we agreed to keep things as they were until the summer, we had had very different ideas as to what that meant.

Boy was I glad when he moved out - what a relief, and what a fool I was. Please don't be like that OP. Flowers

TeaFathers · 07/12/2015 21:52

tell your family, OP.
no point in putting that off.
then tell him to pack his bags.
he'll be nice and snug at the ow's (who i'm sure is tucked away somewhere.)

BloodontheTracks · 07/12/2015 21:58

It's good and important that there are those voicing concern over his mental health as the narrative settles on affair. But personally I really believe this is classic infidelity. Someone who has misspoke would roll this back very quickly, apologise, explore, come up with strategies and be very very firm that they didn't want to end the marriage, even though they needed to share their doubts. they would also likely have raised and discussed these feelings recently or for the past few years. OP can let us know if he did these things.

It is very common for men to cry when they confess or have affairs discovered. very. It's guilt, fear and self-pity. Way more than it is to cry over depression, which varies but is more often a consistent deadness. The opposite of affairs. It is also very common for affairs themselves to elicit a breakdown eventually and then a sort of depression, but only after a long time.

I would also suggest his bad day at work may have been related to whoever is at work who is hearing about all this now.

the OP has mentioned his passivity, his lack of commitment ten years ago, vague suspicion about another woman and literally EVERY affair euphemism from him. OP has not mentioned anything that suggests a history of mental health issues or current ones.

For me, I would chuck him out if he continues all this bullshit and let him stay over if he offers the truth. It's the bullshit and time passing that's stupid. I think the quicker the truth comes out of this self-pitying bubbling whitehead of a man, the sooner OP can work out what to do for herself and her children.

Sorry OP.

AnyFucker · 07/12/2015 21:59

These men who cry when they feel sorry for themselves for fucking their own life leave me absolutely cold.

Faced with that, my core would shrivel to a pebble of ice.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 07/12/2015 22:05

Right, thanks for answers, some made me smile a bit.

No he is NOT the sobbing kind. I have only ever seen him cry twice in 20 years. I think he is depressed now, he seems unable to plan ahead, to identify any plans or to be proactive in any way. I think he is depressed and hopeless just now.

I think he should go away for a couple of days and give us all a breather. I will try to get this to happen. I do think he is possibly having a breakdown.

Happy december! As a kind of tragicomedy I will describe how I got myself into work: calm in car. Park in staff carpark and suddenly burst into tears. Trying to collect myself, fail. Stick on radio MEGA loud and shout along the words to Rockin Rollin Christmas then calmly get out my car and off into work!

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 07/12/2015 22:07

Amazing, good stuff, OP!
Well we're here.

Lweji · 07/12/2015 22:12

Assuming he is depressed. Does he agree that is a possibility? If so, he should get help. Only he can sort it.

TeaFathers · 07/12/2015 22:13

i doubt he's having a breakdown.
i think its an act.
but yes he should go. he can go to the ow's or to relatives.
but out he goes either way.

BloodontheTracks · 07/12/2015 22:16

Has he got a history of depression? Has he suffered any serious bereavements or large life changes in the last year?

BloodontheTracks · 07/12/2015 22:34

If he does not have a history of depression, no recent bereavements or job losses or major life changes and no medications or diagnosed illnesses, I would strongly suggest you do not pander to the breakdown narrative, OP. I have knows several people who had breakdowns in their late 30s and early 40s and they all were consequences of their own or their partner's infidelity.

I know it's too early to look at this directly but please do not nurse and cater him through the next little bit. It is very likely the 'breakdown' is characterised by an inability to plan because he does not know whether he will be with you or OW in the near future and does not want to commit to things he will not be able to see through and make things worse. The lack of pro-action is because he is paralysed by choice and fear. What else could it be? Why else would someone not be pro-active? Even if they were unhappy in their marriage or life they would say, 'I hate my job, I'm leaving' or 'I want to leave this relationship' or 'we need to go on holiday and have counselling cos I can't live with this little sex' or SOMETHING. This doesn't make any sense, OP.

I know we seem insane and judgemental, OP. trust me, I'm not talking as some wronged woman still angry at her husband (not that there's anything wrong with that..!) But sometimes actions are much much clearer from the outside than from subjectively, in the room, when someone you have known so long is terrified and guilty and emotionally totally overwhelming.

It's going to be a tough few weeks. I suggest you detach and force him into the position of caretaker and decision maker about his own life. And do it hard and fast. Do NOT be his nurse and do the pick me dance, love.

I hope you can get some sleep.

Cloppysow · 07/12/2015 22:45

Calm and dignified is definitely the way to go. And shout christmas songs in the car.

But can the rest of you stop with the OW comments. Nobody knows. You're guessing and this is obviously hard enough without sticking that knife in.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 00:50

I think BloodontheTracks is talking a LOT of sense.

You sound strong, OP. And I'm glad you've told a couple of friends. I hope you can get him out of the house for a bit - it sounds like you could do with some peace to rest and get your head around things.

WavingNotDrowning · 08/12/2015 05:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 08:05

I agree with the point that an affair/temptation is not mutually exclusive with a mental health crisis. I would argue that it's possible to encourage him to seek medical help whilst policing your own boundaries. In my case I got him to leave the house but told him that I was still open to reconciliation.

Silversea01 · 08/12/2015 08:10

Hi OP, I was in your same position 3 years ago. Ground down by years of serious abuse, I did everything wrong, so he kept up the torment for another 2 years. I'm staying. I'm going, I don't know what I want, poor me. All the while shagging a married woman. It was hell and I had no idea of the real story.

He wanted me to cater to his misery and bend over backwards to accommodate all important him. Then he left.

To his absolute shock, I haven't had him back. He thought he had me so conditioned that I would always cater to his "needs". He's cried, sent begging, regretful texts and emails. But it's a no from me.

Just this weekend he tricked his way into my home and sobbed for an hour about how wrong he was, how he'd always love me blah blah.

My heart had turned to an ice cold pebble, just as AnyFucker says and I watched his performance with detached, mild interest.

Don't be me, OP. Or, be the current me, not the old me. I'm so impressed with your resolve.

josephwrightofderby · 08/12/2015 08:15

Just wanted to echo what others have said: treat this like it's the end. Plan an exit strategy. Get your ducks in line. Keep your self-respect. Don't blink.

Even if you go down a path of reconciliation, you will be sending an absolutely unquestionable message that you will not put up with this shit from him. Frankly, though, I don't advise it - the fact that he's pulled this stunt before and is being so utterly pathetic now will destroy your trust in him for the future.