DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

pinkandstripey I had no idea that existed! Just found it on my iPhone:
Settings
Privacy
Location Services
System Services
Frequent Locations

It's very big brother, isn't it?! Still, good for people like the OP. In that position I would want to know.

wow, thats fascinating anotherEmma just had a look at mine, and sure enough, Ive been everywhere I knew I had....

OP, it does seem there is a script and many people have said that kicking him out while he decides is the answer - not allowing him the luxury of home while he ponders it over - a little bit of fending for themselves often brings what they will lose into sharp focus

So he says he wants to fix things - what has he done in order to start this process? Or is it just words that allow him to stay, but continue his 'woe is me' wallowings

One of the most important things I have learned from MN over the years, is to judge people by what they do rather than by what they say.

I too think this sounds suspicious, but this happened when he was 30 and again now he's 40. My DH doesn't handle aging well and always reacts badly to BIG birthdays, could this have a bearing?

I'm with other posters though, don't just hope for the best, be proactive.

A man who wants to leave his wife and children should really be able to articulate why. The fact that he can't makes me suspicious. You don't just leave cause you're "unhappy". You discuss the reasons and try to work together.

If he still loves you, I don't understand what the issue is. Why is he not happy? I think you really need to have a chat with him about why he's feeling like this before you make any snap decisions

He has told her he doesn't know whether he wants to be with her.

That's the issue.

I think asking him to leave and starting divorce proceeding will sharpen his mind.

He will either realise very fast that you deserve better than a man who is not sure he wants to be with you.

Or he will start dating some one else before you can blink.

If the first you can work on making it work again.

You do deserve better than some one who stays with you because he has nothing better to leave you for.

agreed, send him off to decide what he wants , (say, he may have broken it anyway) if he has an OW, he will either go that way, or realise, actually, what he had was what he loved....home/family/kids & you.
Don't sit there waiting for him to buck up... Action.

If this was me, I would:

1. Do as much digging as possible for evidence of an affair. I would look at phone calls, texts, emails (personal and work), social media accounts, bank statements (for unexplained spending on things like meals out and hotels). I'd also look at location history on his iPhone if he has one.

1. Ask him to leave, not necessarily permanently but I would insist on giving each other space to think (that works both ways).

1. Give him a (short) time limit to decide between two options, either he wants to try and make it work in which case get couple's counselling ASAP (but continue living separately until the big issues are resolved) or he wants out in which case start separation and divorce proceeds. Obviously the decision isn't his alone, you might decide that you want a divorce, but I don't think you can really go for the first option (couple's counselling) if his heart isn't actually in it. It will only work if both of you are willing to work at it.

Oh, OP, what a bummer. Best thing you can do for yourself & DCs - and for him - is to make things very plain. I have had a few major wobbles in my marriage, my DW was understanding but, best of all, spelt it out for me at a time when my head was full of self-pity. I was bleating on about my lack of freedom, and she just said to me, more in sorrow than anger, "Yeah, but you know freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose?' And left me with it. I later realised it was a Janis Joplin quote but it really focused my mind. I imagined myself, free - to do whatever I wanted, be with whoever I wanted - but also free of my wife, free of my children, free of my home, free of everything good, everything I'd ever managed to get right. And the thought broke my heart and brought me back to my senses. Never underestimate men's capacity for emotional naivety. Most of us have bloody stupid ideas about what being a man means. The quicker he is disabused of them, the better for everyone.

Op

In fact, the more time I spend on MN, the more I become convinced that women shouldn't treat men as equals. The assumption is made that, in behaving this way or that, men have the same kind of intentional control over their actions that women do. But we don't: emotionally, most men remain children well into what is supposed to be adulthood. Good male role models are in shockingly short supply. And, unfairly, it falls to women to wise us up. I don't say this as any sort of excuse for men's bad behaviour, not at all. But I look back and, so often, I didn't know my emotional arse from my elbow. Ok, maybe it's just me. But OP, give it to him straight. Cruel to be kind. Chances are, you're the only one thinking straight.

oneeye I disagree. You're perpetuating the myth that women need to 'fix' men or shouldn't expect them to carry their weight in a relationship because they're 'emotionally stunted'.

I certainly will treat any man as an equal in that I expect him to be an equal partner in a relationship. And if he doesn't live up to the standards I demand of myself as an adult I certainly don't consider it my job to 'wise him up'. Nobody had to 'wise me up', I learnt how to be an adult through my own bad mistakes and good decisions. A man is certainly capable of learning the same way.

Classic signs of a cheater I'm afraid, no real indication as to why he is unhappy but is willing to make you suffer by staying there and prolonging your agony. Time to get angry OP, tell him it will be a lot easier if he moves out and sorts himself out, otherwise why say anything in the first place!

Twat.

I also disagree with Oneeyedbloke, men do have intentional control over their actions. If they don't think things through, it makes them thoughtless, but not out of control. They choose to do what they do, maybe for selfish and immature reasons, but it's their choice.

Wow, AnyFucker. Could you please disagree with me without insulting me, as others have managed?

The behaviour described here is weak, needy and self sabotaging.

Do you deny that ?

I thought I was holding back a bit there

Daisy that's such a dickhead comment to make

AnotherEmma, Waving, Christmas
'Men aren't children'. Well, maybe I just know too many childish men. But I've seen lots of relationships go through horrible difficulties and breakups primarily because of the childish way the men behaved. I genuinely believe most men enter adulthood with massively less emotional intelligence, whatever you want to call it, than women. It's a social thing, I guess.

Fathers don't teach their sons this stuff, on the contrary it's seen as wussy to be 'in touch with your feelings'. 'Real men' just DO stuff, they don't FEEL, they laugh at people who FEEL. I don't think it's a myth that women do actually 'fix' men at lot of the time. I'm not arguing that men shouldn't grow up and carry their weight in a relationship, of course we should. I'm saying lots of us enter adult relationships ill-equipped to do so, and don't learn. So women who find themselves dealing with men of this type are faced with a choice: leave him and his inadequacies or, yes, try to fix them. For the sake of the relationship and/or children. Sorry, but somebody had to 'wise me up'.

OP, I hope your day at work is coming to an end and you are still in one piece

Like lots of the advice above, I think the single best thing you can do now is to take control

Not in a "sit your husband down and tell him what he might lose because the poor lamb doesn't understand" but in a hardnosed self protection way

Because you can bet your house that your husband is thinking of one person right now, and it isn't you