DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

Sorry OP.

Please keep posting

Well said OP

Oh, intheair

Inthe, it's worth considering what would make YOU make such a statement in a relationship. In my experience, I have only ever said something like that when I a) wanted to break up with someone or b) was being unfaithful and confused and looking to explore what I wanted without being honest about that. It is hard to think why someone would say it otherwise. If someone was genuinely struggling and uncertain about the next phase of their life I think they would address it differently.

Try thinking about it from his point of view and that will help you work out the truth. he is afraid to tell the truth because he knows he has been acting like an arse for ages now. If he tells you the truth he will likely lose you AND feel bad about himself for cheating all the while punishing you. His sense of self cannot square that. If you wish to get honesty from him, bear this in mind.

Please eat something. i am so sorry you are going through this.

Sorry to hear that OP :(

Good post, Blood (#blud ..)

The problem with option #3 though, is that such men often lie in counselling too, thus effectively wasting everyone's time. They may also use it to gain some time, while they wait for OW to be ready. There is also a risk you will get a man-pleasing type of counsellor who advises that OP compromise herself to keep him. This to me would be the worst outcome, and you do see the refrain many times from women who regret giving their cheating H the chance to fuck up their usually spot-on instincts even further.

This is of course if his current dis-satisfation with his lot in life is to do with OW and how much he thinks he is missing out on by being saddled with that boring ole wife and family. I would put a great deal of money on that being the case, though.

Sorry Op.

And sorry things aren't looking brighter.

Bugger, I got distracted half way through typing and now the thread has moved on.

No further speculation from me now OP is back.

Anyfucker is absolutely right. I'm afraid the majority lie in counselling too. Plus many counsellors see it as their job to preserve the relationship so don't challenge. However, as I said, he may drop the OW realising the severity of his actions and use the counselling opportunity to repair the damage. Or the OW may drift off when she realises the marriage is coming first. Neither is ideal. For a marriage to come through stronger, the cheater really needs to realise and take responsibility for what they are doing.

After the phone thing he is going to keep his electronics clean as a whistle so there is always asking around or printing off a post here or 'the script' and giving it to him. Most cheaters panic when challenged and lie so it is best to leave it with him for a while. Does he have any background of infidelity or deceit?

OP are you okay?

Anyway, I apologise for the rampant speculation as I said at the beginning, this is just worse case scenario. It is his inability to explain that is the major red flag and this should be addressed.

OP, I hope that you are able to eat something this evening. Emotionally this is a tough time for you, you need nourishment and comfort.

Tell him to leave the house if he is uncertain about your marriage Yes, please do this.

If you can, forget about him and concentrate on you, the kids and life.

Yes to (individual) counselling. IMO, couples counselling would not be useful, one of you doesn't want a relationship anymore (sorry OP).

As you have a lot going on, can distract yourself for a bit?

Please get yourself a SHL to advise you of the financial landscape in the likelihood of a divorce.

I think your H has broken your security that you both were in a team that would last.

Be sad, but don't be foolish. Get him out, get advice and get emotional support.

I can imagine how hard this is for you.

I came home from work just beaten down as hadn't slept and couldn't eat. I came home to a glowering individual who had 'had a bad day at work' and was sullen and scowling.

I have said if this is the effort being out in then the whole thing has no chance. I then outlined his future prospects and suggested he began preparing for them. Not in a cross way, just clarifying in a calm way.

He has been hugely sobbing for ages but not done anything to apologise for ruining my peace of mind and our future as a family. It appears there is none.

I have a very good support network. I have told my two closest friends (one of them is a mnetter) but am putting off telling my sister as she will be devastated for me. I am most dreading breaking my parents hearts with this. I can't bear to think how distraught they will be. They have always loved and trusted him.

I have suggested he leave just now to let us clear our heads but he is sobbing further at that. What on earth the next move is I don't know. Don't fancy slinging him out 2 weeks before christmas, from the children's point of view.

and not slinging him out for the kids sake is the angle he will exploit mercilessly

that is your Achilles heel, and he will know it

imbetween the dramatic "sobbing" what is he actually saying ?

Please get him out. Tonight. Take his wailing elsewhere. He did this. He said he didn't know if he wanted to be with you. What did he think would happen? Fgs, he is behaving like a child, do not take the role of mum and soothe him. You can not make this better.

OP

Right now put yourself first. The DC's will be fine with a short period of time right now. Let him come over on Xmas day if that is what you are worried about.

I really think you need your space from him for now and vice versa. What exactly does he hope to achieve by sobbing aside from manipulating you?

Also (and I'm sorry to say this), but being a little unhappy in your marriage does not warrant sobbing. What on earth has he been up to??? Because the reaction does not add up to what he claims is the whole story

At the very least, put him in the spare room if you have one,sofa otherwise. And tell him to STFU. For the sake of the kids. Self indulgent so and so.

So, he drops the bomb on you and he's the one sobbing?

He has no right.

Please try to eat or drink something, you need to be able to think clearly. His sobbing shows he feels it's over, it says a lot that he doesn't feel bad about telling you he doesn't know if he wants to be with you 2 weeks before Christmas, but you feel bad about responding with 'well leave then'. What on earth is your alternative 'oh great, well you carry on not loving or appreciating me, while I wash your pants, make your dinner, take care of our kids, and perhaps we could have sex while you think about whoever you do want to be with, while you make up your mind about when you'd like to leave me'. He's given you very little choice, and you shouldn't feel bad about 'slinging him out'. Whether it's now or 2 weeks or 3, he certainly needs to go.

So he was angry, now is crying but not reaching out or apologising to you or reaching out about your hurt? When he is the one who made the statement?

Yes this is resentment, fear and self-pity. This only makes sense if there is some other part of this.

He is perfectly capable of rolling this back, of expressing his fear and disappointments about what he said and sharing what he wants to do and how he wants to mend it if that is the case. The fact he is not speaks very badly of him. It is immature and incomplete.

I am sorry, OP. What a shock for you. hold on to your anger.

I agree with others.

He's sobbing, but he's not saying he will do anything to make it work.

I'm sorry. I think he should go asap.

Self-indulgent wimp. Would you even want him back, on a silver platter, at this point? Just think - he couldn't even muster the self-control and consideration for others to wait until after the holidays to do this to you and the children. Couldn't rein in his own personal feelings, desires, wishes etc. to avoid botching the holiday season for those he supposedly cares about. I'd kick such a thoughtless oaf to the curb so fast his head would spin, and not look back.

Just wondering if you have had/could get any clarification of whether or not he is depressed? Lots seem to be jumping to infidelity but to me this shouts possible MH issue.
I'm one of the 'naive' ones that doesnt believe DH's head will be turned by another woman so if he had said that and behaved as you've described I'd be more worried for his wellbeing than being angry and throwing him out when he might need you more than ever. Sorry you're going through this OP

Another one on the boat: suspected affair denied, H left 'because he is not happy'. I still don't know the full extent of the affair but as you said there is at least an infatuation and a very inappropiate relationship - affair (meeting in secret, him begging forgiveness for hurting her but fuck me/my feelings, and all their Romeo & Juliette script).

Listen to dontknowwhatcomesnext:

It's not a certainty, but know that many of us on here NEVER thought it would happen to us. Our friends and family are still in absolute shock at his actions. He was not "that guy" who could do something like that; and then he actually was.

And this:
Regardless of whether there is an OW, please, please don't make the mistake I did and sit passively while he twiddles his thumbs contemplating whether he wants to stay or go.

I tried counselling and lost these precious weeks just waiting for it to work. No matter if you are trying to fix things, prepare for it to fail at the same time. Consult with a lawyer, gather documents, plan everything. That way, if it happens, you will be ahead. I am still living in the same house 3 months after he decided it was final and it is hell. Lawyers have just started. He is buying himself lots of comics (like in $500 amounts), $100 games and even the furniture for his next house with our joint account.