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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/12/2015 21:30

Wishing you all the best, intheair.

Glad you sorted it out before the holidays.

Piratespoo · 14/12/2015 21:50

I am so sorry, op. I hope you can still have a good Christmas with the dc. Did he say why? Was it his choice or yours?

TooSassy · 14/12/2015 22:00

Oh OP.

Bless you. Listen. You are going to be absolutely fine. It's going to be a bit up and down. But you will come through this. I promise you.
I'm with the other posters. Get him out ASAP.
Then surround yourself with friends, family, DC's and lots of TLC!

You sound amazing. He's a bloody idiot.
Stay here, keep posting. Thanks

Hillfarmer · 14/12/2015 22:24

Well done OP. It may not feel it all the time, but you have done a brave thing. And he is such an idiot he gives idiots a bad name.

It must feel as if you've been watching him throw it all away in slow motion in the last few weeks. The fact that he has been, and probably will continue to be, so stupid and heartless, will no doubt cause you pain. There is nothing you could have done to stop it, which also hurts, funnily enough.

He has completely let you down. Be proud of yourself and allow yourself to be supported by people who love and support you.

BloomingAtLast · 15/12/2015 01:17

You are an inspiration, OP, and I hope your Christmas and future are as happy as can be. Be ready for the pendulous emotions, but know you are swimming to calmer waters Thanks

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 15/12/2015 07:23

Thank you so much for all the kind thoughts, I feel them!!

I am really worrying about finances. How can this possibly work? Never loved my house more, am mentally planning changes that will suit the 3 of us.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 15/12/2015 07:43

Hi, OP. You're doing great.

Finances: think about Child Support and tax credits as soon as possible. I'm assuming you already get child benefit paid directly to you?

As for the rest, it's probably time to take some legal advice on splitting the marital assets and sorting out the mortgage. You don't have leave the house if you can cover the mortgage IME. But I did have to buy my ExH out so we (the DCs and I) didn't have to up sticks and sell when the youngest was 18. There are a number of options, in other words.

It's tough at times, but very doable. Flowers

mix56 · 15/12/2015 08:50

Hillfarmer is right, There is nothing you could have done to stop it, which also hurts, funnily enough. I admire you facing this with courage & wish you much happiness, I am certain you will be OK.
He will be like a boat in a storm now.

WellWhoKnew · 15/12/2015 09:08

Take it one day at a time. They are days when it will feel impossibly hard and utterly terrifying. But I really respect your decision to make sure your happiness, and that of your children, is treated equally. He's a total fool for messing with that.

tiredvommachine · 15/12/2015 09:11

You are a very strong lady, who won't settle for not being someone's all.
Beat of luck for your future OP Flowers

tiredvommachine · 15/12/2015 09:11

Best*

NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 11:42

Get thee to a solicitor! Go before Christmas if you can - it will reassure you to get some initial information and advice.

Zucker · 15/12/2015 14:33

Sorry to hear this but I second getting in to see a solicitor before Christmas if you possibly can. It might take that limbo stage over the holidays away for you, so you're not pondering what may happen when you could be enjoying Christmas with your children.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/12/2015 17:35

Another reader full of admiration here. I know it's painful but you will be happy again.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 15/12/2015 19:28

It's happened! I am energised! Goodbye husband. I am seeing a lawyer this week to say 'please get me a divorce'.
Uncertainty gone! Ready to act!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/12/2015 19:29

Yes!

OldestStory · 15/12/2015 19:47

I have been following, because this will be me soon, I think.

You are making me feel I may have hope when it all comes crashing down on me!

As an aside, it's unlikely you'll get in to see a solicitor before Christmas as they are most likely booked up this time of year, so I'd just set that aside until the New Year, perhaps make an appointment now and beat the post Christmas rush😉

OldestStory · 15/12/2015 19:48

Oh, cross posted: well done on that Smile

Lweji · 15/12/2015 19:50

May the force be with you. You know... all that energy.. Grin

More seriously, take it easy because you may be in the euphoria stage and then crash out.

Lweji · 15/12/2015 19:51

Well done on making an appointment with a solicitor, though. The sooner it's sorted the better for you and the children.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2015 21:09

Good good good! Moving ahead is the best thing you can do! Getting legal advice will set you up to know your financial situation and options. Knowledge is power!

hefzi · 15/12/2015 21:17

Sorry it worked out this way, OP - but you seem like one kick-ass woman from your posts: I know it's going to be tough on you and the DC, but now you are already on the path to the life you deserve Flowers

LineyReborn · 15/12/2015 22:49

OldestStory good luck to you as well.

shoopshoopsong · 15/12/2015 23:42

OP just read all your posts on your story and just gotta say you sound awesome your attitude has been amazing throughout and I wish you all the best and strength for the future

GeekLove · 16/12/2015 11:27

Good luck but watch out for the crash! It will happen when the adrenaline wears off.

Do you have a good support network? I hope it goes well when you tell the kids. But remember to be kind to yourself.

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