Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

If you're too immature to discuss contraception with your girlfriend then perhaps you shouldn't have sex.

What do the stars stand for? Gimp? Toad? Fish?

Being a what?
We can say cunt, fuck, shag, cock here...no need for the "cute" little asterisks

Has your GF stated that condoms are her preferred choice of contraception, or have you not discussed it?

If the answer is yes to the first question; then you need to respect her choices. All forms of hormonal contraception have side effects don't forget.

If you haven't discussed it then you need to gently broach the subject. If you don't like the answer the I'm afraid you'll just have to suck it up

And no more unprotected drunken fumbles. You will get caught eventually, and then what?

You need to discuss it with her outside of the bedroom. Pitch it like any other sex suggestion. Id really like to try x. How do you feel about it?

Sorry I'm sure you're very sweet but 'from an emotional point of view I want to be able to come in my gf' might be the most hilarious thing I've ever read.

Anyway. Just ask her. You can always preface it by saying you want her to have your babies just not yet. If she gets offended you may have problems anyway frankly.

Oh thank goodness.....I thought GF stood for.... Grandfather !!!

She sounds like your vessel.

You want her on drugs so that you can spunk in her. What a charmer.

Dear Tarpy,

At 26 you should be mature enough to have a grown up discussion about contraception and also to understand that a woman may well not want to use hormonal contraception simply so you get to leave your juices where you like.

Cheers,

EKL.

You've had good conversations about the future, this is just another one. I'd approach it from the angle that you both hate the six weeks of worry when you engage in unprotected sex, so how would she feel about taking over responsibility? It's a shame there are no alternatives for men.

I wouldn't say anything about condom-free feeling better for you!

I don't think he's saying he can't talk to his GF about it (she's not going to magically guess he'd like to stop using condoms after all) just wanting to get some views on how reasonable his request is.

I would say it's reasonable to ask, perhaps within the context of the reliability of condoms on their own. Taking chances is a very silly idea. On the other hand, condoms offer protection against STIs, which other options don't. Have you both been tested since you've been together?

There are many reasons to use hormonal contraception but your psychological satisfaction isn't one of them I'm afraid. Wait till you are trying to conceive and you can have months (or years) of condomless sex. It is admirable to want to be 100% safe, but you're going the wrong way about it.

1. We're not "girls"

1. Yes, you're being a "**", whatever that is. It's her body, her choice. If you want to bring up the fact that you don't like condoms then fine, but accept her answer as final and do not under any circumstances push the issue if she doesn't want to use a different form of contraception.

Also - I'd hope this goes without saying - but make sure you're both STI-tested before you stop using condoms.

If she doesn't feel comfortable using a hormonal contraception, than the only other options really are condoms.

Have you considered using a femidom? ( female condom )

Just because you like the satisfaction of it doesn't mean she should put herself out of what she's comfortable with. By the way, you're exactly the same as someone who's 19 and saying "it just feels better". You've just worded it differently

Girls Old enough to be your mum.

Agree that you need to have the chat with her.
And deal with her answer. She might be keen to be spontaneous or she might not want to take artificial hormones every day. Who knows?
But if neither of you want dc now then you can't take risks. Once is all it takrs

Why are your mates so close to your GF?

But basically what EKL said.

You need to talk to her.. If you can't talk about sex with your partner it's not good.

As has been said you both need the full screen at the sti clinic before ditching condoms.

Maybe she prefers condoms most of the time.. No gloopy mess to take care of.

I'd stick with condoms.

The pill can make you put on weight, it can give you headaches, and then later, when you're about forty and they tell you you still need to use contraception but you've been on the pill for ''tooo long' then you have to have a coil fitted. Also, being on the pill carries small risk of stroke and you have to have more regular smears too.
I'm not having a go at you because you're only young and you are thinking about this, but taking the pill isn't nothing. It seems like nothing to men I know but it's not.

Non hormonal coil.
It doesn't include hormones.
Hth

As a female sex is much better for me without condoms so just ask the question.

Did I read your op right? That you came home drunk, your girlfriend asked you to wear a condom but you didn't and had unprotected sex and worried afterwards about her getting pregnant?

I don't think OP is saying that he can't or won't talk to her, it's more that he wants to know if asking her in the first place is unreasonable. And this is a pretty good place to come to ask that.

OP, I'm perhaps not the best person to comment about this because I think only using condoms is the equivalent of conception roulette (yes, I know they're reliable when used properly etc. etc. etc.). Honestly, I'm not surprised you're worried after using them (or forgetting to) when pissed- if neither of you want kids right now the pill, injection or implant is a good back up if nothing else.

I would suggest that when you're next having a frank discussion about sex or your sexual histories, ask her if she's ever been on the pill. See what how she responds to that- if her reaction is negative then I think you've got to drop it for the time being. Some women don't like the idea of hormonal contraception and that's the bottom line and entirely their choice. If she's more receptive you could ask her if she'd ever consider it and go from there, but you've got to really be tuned in to her initial reaction. Do not mention your sexual preference during this conversation- it has to be about how she feels about it, and her view shouldn't be overly influenced by trying to keep you happy. I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting this btw, but you would be if you prioritised it over her need to make her own choices re. contraception.

I think is reasonable to ask what her feelings are on switching to another kind of contraception. I would frame it in the context of wanting to ensure you are having safe sex every time and of condoms not being the best in that regard.

I wouldn't mention anything about the way it feels and if she says no then she says no so accept it and don't bring it up again.