Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

Jesus don't know where to start.

OK. She went on the pill for a few weeks and it really did not agree with her. And to be honest I'd never put her through that again. My ex had a coil which is similar to what I was suggesting. Just I'm nervous because I'm worried she will think I'm suggesting the pill (fwiw she went on it without asking me... She doesn't need too. As I said, I'll talk to her about it once and whatever she goes with I will follow without complaint. It's not a huge deal for me, I'm just worried that being safe 99% of the time will not be safe enough. And it's easier said than done when we have BOTH had a drink not too. It's only happened twice but I fully accept as adults that is twice too many.

As for wanting to come in my girlfriend. Not sure how that is possessive? All I'm saying is that mentally rather than physically it does feel good. No idea why, and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Yes. We both got checked when we realized we weren't going to see other people. Both good!

. Fuck, shit, bollocks. Is that better?

My girl mates are close to her. My guy mates obviously aren't that close.

Girls. Sorry, what do you prefer?

I wouldn't/didn't mind my boyfriend asking me to use contraception, many years ago.

I would have been furious to discover he had discussed his reasons for wanting to, in graphic detail, with 'you girls'.

Patronising **

Choose whatever fits.

Meant to say meant no offense by 'girls'. Genuinely. Not attempting to be patronising...

Some women aren't able to take hormonal contraception for medical reasons. Also, the inventor of the pill (Carl Djerassi) once joked one of the reasons it was so successful was because it dampened down women's libido - inadvertently reducing the chances of conceiving. There are many reasons why your girlfriend may not be keen.

wow, poor lad comes on here looking for some advice and is met with a bunch of vipers. Jeezo. Its not unreasonable to broach the subject, and I dont think any girl (not any that i know of anyway) would be offended or mortified. Totally understand the physical point of view, I feel the same way but vice versa obviously. If she agrees to female contraception, then she will maybe need to look online at the different options then prob need to make an appt with her gp to go over them first. Some may not agree with her and it may take her a few different attempts to find one that suits her. Personally, even if my dp was using condoms or the imaginary male pill (he doesnt) i still personally couldnt entrust my fertility to him, I need to be on some contraception for my own peace of mind.

Sorry. Can I also clear up that I did not come home dry k and she asked me to wear a condom and I didn't. We both came home pissed, started having sex without one, I said I should put one on and she said 'no, I don't want you too'. I should have anyway but it the moment and alcohol induced (not an excuse. But we've all made shit decisions pussed) I didn't.

Also. I can tell her anything. As she can me..but I was just asking if I being unreasonable to ask in the first place. If I am I will shut up and never mention it...

You've had a bit of a harsh reception here, and some of your phrasing isn't perhaps the nicest, but seriously, there are other hormonal options apart from the pill, which don't all have the same side effects, plus non-hormonal ones like a copper coil. Have a proper discussion with her about it, preferably not immediately pre/post-sex, and perhaps even offer to go with her to the GP/family planning clinic to find out about possible options.

I read that as she asked him not to, Feels, and that for some reason booze he didn't think twice and they had sex without it, despite neither of them wanting children yet.

Imminent, do you mean the copper one? If so (genuinely not sure, not meaning to be a twat) then it can cause far heavier and more painful periods...which I certainly wouldn't risk simply so sex feels marginally better. Might be a good option for OP's DP, but there are an awful lot of women who'd need better reason than 'I prefer to come inside you' to commit to a more invasive method of contraception than a condom.

Even hormonal contraception taken properly isn't 100% safe so don't be fooled into thinking it is.
Was that the only pill she'd tried? Sometimes different pills have different effects but she's have to go around the loop several times to find out, whilst still needing to use condoms.
Some GPs don't want to put coils into women who haven't had children for physical reasons.

Wow. My spelling on my phone is appalling. Apologies.

If she's tried it then I don't know what else you can do really. The pill is like any medication, sometimes you have to try a few to find the one that suits best. All of my female friends (myself included) have been through different types to try and find the right "fit", some people it just doesn't agree with full stop. But I don't think you can really be the one to bring the subject of the pill or any other hormonal form of contraception up so soon after her last attempt, however little you had to do with that initial choice.

However tempting it might be, do not bring this subject up if/when you're going through another 'scare'. That would not end well. Have you discussed what would happen if you did conceive in the near future?

Yes you would be an arse if you asked your GF to take full responsibility for contraception either by having a painful and sometimes traumatic medical procedure or by taking hormones that will fuck her up to reduce your anxiety/increase your pleasure.

No you would not be an arse for discussing with her your anxieties about the risks attached to how you use your current chosen method and listening to how she feels about it and whether she is open to the idea of something else whilst aware there is no pressure as you will be happy to agree to continue with condoms and realise you will both need to be more responsible with them if so.

I always found the mini pill a better option than the regular pill. And different brands of pill can have different effects, so it shouldn't be ruled out.
I don't think it is an unreasonable subject for discussion, particularly if you would both prefer not to use condoms. And , if, as you say, you will accept her decision without sulking like a big baby.

What about the cap/diaphragm? It doesn't mess with your hormones and is (fairly?) reliable if used with spermicide.

I do wish the boffins would come up with a better form of contraception. And I do wonder sometimes if men got pregnant would there be this amazing, high tech, non invasive wonder contraception available for free...? Hmmmm

Hi OP,

I do understand the thing about wanting to come inside her- I remember feeling that I wanted a partner to be able to do this, because it would be somehow more intimate and special (well, in my mind! In fact I found it all quite messy and annoying...). But yes, like you, I wanted and definitely imagined it would give a 'psychological satisfaction'.

But the other posters are so right- you need to talk to your GF about this, and also you really need to be able to (possibly) accept that this is just not going to be a possibility for you. And then not moan about it, or suddenly decide to not use a condom occasionally etc.

I've never been able to use hormonal contraceptives, and struggled with copper IUD's and got pregnant with the diaphragm.

Basically, condoms are an unromantic and unsexy, (according to some, not me, but I know many people hate them), but damn useful fact of life for me and DH- have used them for over a decade. Hormonal contraceptives are a very disruptive and difficult thing for some women to tolerate at all. So if your GF is one of them, please, please just accept this rather than moaning about it and making her feel that you need 'more' satisfaction.

Best wishes to you.

Yeah, how come I have never met a woman a who used the cap, myself included? It would seem to be a decent option. For me I can't even get a Lillet in right, so I can't see myself getting a diaphragm in correctly!

Thanks for clearing that up, apologies for misunderstanding your op. Would she use a diaphragm with spermicide.

Speak to her and be honest, you aren't unreasonable and her decision isn't unreasonable. Be honest and see what she says then roll with it.

Just talk to her for god sake.

My lovely friend had a coil fitted six weeks after just such a conversation with her bf. She spent two days in hospital on morphine as she had a reaction to the muscle relaxant they gave her to take the night before the fitting to make it easier. She said she thought there had been a horrible mistake and she was actually pg and miscarrying. She has been bleeding ever since, but I gather this does eventually settle down once your body gets used to it.

If I had reacted to the pill, there would be no way you could persuade me to take anything hormone related again, and it would be condoms or no sex.

Just talk to her, fgs.

The problem is that condoms are the only contraceptive which don't have some form of side effect (unless you have latex allergy). I'd be concerned that if she had a bad reaction to the pill she may get similar if she used the mirena coil. There's also a slight risk of infections with any coil.

I'd be very careful about how you broach this, because if you say you don't like condoms, but it turns out she can't use anything else it will make her feel bad....

Oh, my mum was one of the people who suffered a series of strokes on the mini-pill at 32. it was pretty grim.

You're still here OP, well done. I clicked over the page expecting you'd have fled

I used the cap regularly for years (5+) and didn't get pregnant. It's fine once you get the hang of it. I got pregnant within weeks of not using it, so it was definitely working! You could always use condoms around ovulation time to be safer, then cap at less risky times in the cycle.

So...sorry to hijack but talk to me about the cap? Why do you think it's so unpopular? I might give it a go.