Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

Having checked most of the thread, I didn't a mention of natural methods, so, here it goes.

If you're happy wearing condoms most of the time but would like not to wear them sometimes, you can do it from a few days after her ovulation to her period with no problems. The main issues with natural methods is when ovulation is earlier than expected and accidents happen.

She can detect ovulation through basal temperature. Taken just before she gets up and chart it. Or by using a kit. Fertility kits can be used for contraception too. :)

Then, for about 10 days you can have unprotected sex with no danger of conceiving.

Hmmm. My DSis used that method and only 1 of her 4 kids was planned iyswim. I'd say there's plenty of danger of conceiving - or there was in her case

It depends on how she was using it...

I only had one planned child... :)

"Babytrap"
You can't be trapped into having a baby if you don't ejaculate into woman.
Ffs
Biology101

And, as I said, the danger with natural methods is before ovulation. Once it has happened, and it was a real ovulation, then it IS safe.

If I were the OP I'd be having a thorough Google of the stats on that method and discussing it with my family planning service before embarking on it. The same as any other method.

you asked for female opinions - here's mine

A load of lads would just think I'm being 100% reasonable or encouraged me to just 'smash her back doors in', which isn't really going to help

If these lads are your mates, you need new ones . Please don't come on here expecting us to give you credit for not being a rapist .

And meeting girls has never been a problem

Comments like this make you sound like a complete wanker

If you are not ready to become a father and take on that personal and financial responsibility for the rest of your life, I suggest you continue to use a condom , even if you GF does decide to use hormonal contraception . Belt and braces .

Obviously, Tapirs.
It's interesting to see the stats for when the methods are not used perfectly. Quite sobering for all...

Don't see why the op is getting a hard time. Wanting a more robust established form of contraception seems sensible.
Op all you can do is ask her about it. In my experience now I am older and wiser I have requested using condoms until I've decided I want to see the guy long term then I tell him I'm getting a pill prescription and we wait until the 7 days are up before we stop using condoms. In the past it's been a milestone in the relationship moving forward. You sound like a nice person and reflective about your past etc. I'm sure you can broach this sensitively.
Sex feels better for both parties without a condom in my experience - it's not wrong to acknowledge that

Trouble is, she thought she wss using it correctly. Every time. And she had plenty of advice and support around using that method but it clearly didn't work for her.
Anyway...that's a whole derailment opportunity so back to the OP.
I completely agree with the poster above who said that a belt and braces approach is sensible if you're definitely not wanting to conceive. You need
to take responsibility for your own contraception regardless of what she does. And for men, that's condoms or non penetrative sex until someone comes up with better choices for you. Start a campaign if you don't like it

'smash her back doors in'

Eek. I missed this.

I hope you don't count as friends any people who think saying this sort of stuff is normal, OK or acceptable, OP.

(On another subject, we had a good experience with the rhythm/calendar method, but I have a fairly textbook cycle and interpreted the non-safe period quite generously (I generally counted it as days 8-18 - which still left more than half the month during which we could do without condoms).

It depends on which type of natural method. Some have higher risks before ovulation. And how regular the woman is.
But, again, once ovulation definitely occurred, there IS a safe period.

Among natural methods, the simple rhythm or calendar one is the most unreliable.

I'm sorry. Not starting a row as the vast majority of those on here have been very helpful. But how is me enjoying the time we didn't use protection anything to do with porn? If I said I wanted to pull out and come on her face every time I would get that... But I really don't think what I have said is anything like that! And as I have explained, I am happy to use condoms like I have been for years. Its not a huge deal for me. All I'm saying is I want us to be safe because we are both at the age where if she did get pregnant we probably could be good parents, but both admit there are things we (selfishly) would like to do first. It just happens that I did enjoy it (am I supposed to apologize for that? Or is it porn that's made me feel that way? Or something else...), as did she (she told me as much).

I've booked the next 2 days off work and secretly rang her boss to get her 2 days holiday to take her away for a few days as a well done for quitting smoking and getting taken on full time in her new job, so we can spend a bit of quality time together.

Will broach the subject later. Thanks for most of yours advice...

Just my two cents here but even if you did want to avoid using condoms just so it felt better that's fine. If she is ok with that. Sex is supposed to feel good. Why shouldn't you be able to ask for something that would feel good? You have every right to ask, just not the right to demand or guilt her into it. I would simply ask her if, since you are in a committed relationship now you could look at other contraceptive options. Firstly as back up in case you do forget condoms on a drunken night and secondly because it would feel better for you, possibly her also (as a woman I find it feels better without also even if the end result is messier). There's no harm in asking. If she says no then its a no and either you use condoms or go without and you have to respect that but it's just something worth raising as a suggestion like any other suggestion. You could even just ask that you both go to a doctor to just discuss yours options and see if any of them sound right to her. Don't forget the pill isn't always effective if you've been drinking excessively or been on medication or ill etc. So I say just ask her and see what happens and be honest with her and yourself about the reasons.

Before you go, why not start a campaign for more contraceptive choices for men? It's about time someone (male) did just that.

And if you have one iota of sense, think about that phrase about smashing her back doors in. Why would you choose to repeat that on here? Even in inverted commas?

I think the OP has had a bit of a rough reception here. The problem, as others have pointed out, is that different kinds of contraception do have side effects for some women. The pill made me put on a stone until I found a kind that suited me (triphasic) and the Mirena coil gave me non stop bleeding and had to be removed (quite painful). So it's not U to ask your GF, but please be respectful and make it clear that you understand its a big ask. As others have suggested a 'How would you feel about...' type approach might be better received than one that might be taken as implying that your emotional needs/preferences should automatically be met.

Crikey missed smash her back doors in..WTF! That sounds like rape. Please think more carefully about the language you use and if others use it - call them on it!

Christ. The 'smash her back doors in' comment was meant to be why asking on a male dominated forum, or even in RL, would be a shit idea as men, a lot of the time, find giving serious advice to each other on matters like this tricky. So I came on here for some serious advice. And have been berated by some (who appear to have nitpicked parts of my OP, which tbh wasn't the best).

Sounds like you have planned a nice weekend.

For my two pennies, the most sensible way to approach it is to simply say that you've been thinking about it and feel that for two people who have said that you want to wait to start a family [and do other things first] you have both been pretty careless about contraception recently.
If there is a contraception failure well that's the risk of having sex really so it's abstinence or accept the risk, nothing is foolproof, but you would like to discuss the options with her and agree what you are going to do as a couple going forward.

If you are lucky you will get your wish and she will want a more permanent form of contraception with condoms as a back up [stomach upset, missed/late pill taking etc] but she may well be happy to take her chances with a condom. [I agree with a former poster - russian roulette for me]

It's then a question of whether or not that's enough contraception for you if you don't want kids imminently.

And have been berated by some (who appear to have nitpicked parts of my OP, which tbh wasn't the best).
And you thought this was a nice place. :)
Welcome to MN.

Oh boy you have had a hard time, my dear little chap.

See, calling mature women GIRLS, is like the big man coming into infantize the female... Or summat.

Anyway.

The copper coil can cause a great deal of discomfort. It is extremely unpleasant having it put in (and taken out). I had pain in my back for a long while after. It was copper, not with hormones. But, lucky me, I was one of the few who started suffering hair loss.... Some women react to having a foreign body of copper inside their bodies.

It is not 100% guaranteed, there are tales of babies being born clutching the coil in their hands....

There is nothing against you bringing the subject up but I would be careful how you word it you dont want to come across it's all for your enjoyment and benefit at the expense of her sorting the contraception.

If you want to be equal in sorting of contraception and prevent babies then using condoms and her using a form of contraception would be a better option. My doctor was frank with me after DD was born, I was terrified of getting pregnant again there's always a risk! (which you have already taken, you were lucky but you won't always be) The only way to be 100% is not to have sex.

I feel pregnant with my DD at 23 after 8 years taking Microgynon I never missed a tablet & alway set a reminder just incase. I wasn't on any medication that was supposed to effect this pill or remember being sick or having diarrhea. You still have to use condoms for upto a week after if any of these circumstances do happen and the same when starting them, I think this is the majority of the time how it fails. My midwife said it's 99% effective when taken properly but that 1 in 100 women can still get pregnant in one year.

I had implant in straight after my daughter with the being scared of getting pregnant, the rollercoaster I was on with it in and the constant persuasion to keep trying with it. "it will settle down" in the end after 3 years of having it in nothing changed through out. hey it really worked I didn't get pregnant but the lack of sex drive, constant bleeding and mood swings was probably the main reasons why.

In the end it's up to her but there is no harm in discussing the options but for the right reasons and circumstances.

I think, given your age and current priorities, that you would be crazy to cede control of your fertility to a girlfriend.

As a man the second you ejaculate inside a woman is the second you lose control of whether you become a parent or not.

I don't think condom-less sex is nice enough to make up for that loss of control.

When you are in a position where you two have been together a few years, have committed long term, and where having a baby wouldn't be a disaster, then maybe the pleasure of bareback sex would be worth it.

But you can't seriously be considering entrusting control over your fertility to a woman you have only known for 6 months?

Come on!

Babies change everything. Everything.

You are not ready to be a parent, you have lots of things you want to do first, you are not married, you have a fairly recent girlfriend.

You need to look after your own interests when it comes to preventing babies being made, and that means making your own arrangements that you are in control of.

It boggles my mind that young men are so willing to hand over control of their fertility to girlfriends they aren't committed to.

Condoms are contraception that you control.

Even if your girlfriend chooses to make other arrangements of her own, you should still use them as long as you don't want to become a father.