Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

Round of applause to Bathtime. That's exactly what I tell my DSs. Now if only one of them would start that campaign

Have only read your initial post BUT it is unreasonable to ask your girlfriend to go on the pill. Only she can decide to take the step.

The pill is basically chemicals and these chemicals mess about with her physical body and her emotional state. Some women are OK, others not. It can be linked to all sorts - hair loss, serious illness

Well, the pill (which I know you said she would not be getting) makes the body think you are pregnant, and if you are not the kind of bloke that she would want around to father a child, she could go off you. Hormones affect all sorts of things, not just sex drive.

Good post from Bathtime.

If you are not willing to commit to fatherhood and caring for a baby, dont have sex without a condom. It is YOUR insurance that fatherhood is not sprung upon you.

Different contraception suits different women at different times.
Copper coil suits me perfectly now. No pain on insertion for me, some spotting and some heavier periods but that has settled. Non hormonal which I am happier with.
In the past I have used a cap and that was fine but did require me to be responsible and organised, not always my best attributes when under the influence of alcohol.
Good on you tarpy for hanging on in there, taking on board advice and being pretty polite and reasonable.

Been called lad and little chap. Plus a lot worse in here. I'm offended ;)

Right. So literally just had the convo before the weekend while I was making us breakfast (she's showering now... So I'm going to be here a while). Basically it turns out she has been meaning too have a chat with me last week about it but we were having so much of a laugh it didn't seem the right time.

Turns out she knows that the pill makes her go, and I quote, 'mental bitch mode' for the first 6 weeks before it calms down. The reason she stopped is that she felt that so early into a new relationship it wasn't fair to be moody at me all the time. She thought I might object to her going back on it as she readily admits that she will probably take it all out on me. I told her I'm used to that one week of the month and that I still love her even when she's moody at me for nothing (it's what i'm there for. I can take it!). Let's face it, me copping a few tellings off over the spell of 6 weeks is likely going to be nothing compared to what she will be enduring! I'll do my best to take a few of the other daily stresses off her during that time: but to be honest it amazes me that she would do that so we could have a good future together.

Fwiw she said that she doesn't want to use condoms with me anymore for the same mental reason as me, despite the myearsess on her part (I guess as men we get the better end of the deal in almost every way!) it just feels 'right' with me for some reason. We both agreed that if she was to fall pregnant now that we would keep the baby as we could look after it and give it a good life. But not as good a life as we could in 4 or 5 years when we have both achieved all the things we want at this stage of our lives. And that despite being good literally 99% of the time, it only takes one drunken accident (not right. But we all make mistakes!) to ruin that.

Also explained that I turned down a contract paying an extra 28k per year so I didn't have to live too far away from her. But that's a separate issue. 28k seems a pittance compared to what I might have with her.

Thanks for your advice. Not sure I'll be coming back ladies but 75% of you have been a great help.

Ok, so I've read your latest post. You do seem like a decent bloke. But it's still obvious that what you need to do, is talk to your girlfriend about it. Probably check out different options together, look at the statistics etc for reliability. Consider how easy or spontaneous each will be to use. Will any be affected by circumstances you / she can't control. Could they affect her health?

BathtimeFunkster is right though. At present you are in control of your fertility. Something to consider.

I guarantee, if you have a baby together, chances are she'll feel a lot less like sex for a while. Probably you will too. Staying up all night with a poorly child, or having one sleep in your bed, does not make for an active sex life.

If you can't talk about it together, you shouldn't be doing it.

Haha x-post. Glad you've discussed it with her.

What a shame you're not coming back . The Internet as a whole, and Mumsnet in particular , needs more young men like you to share your views with us girls . And evaluate our contributions.

And I'm really impressed by your £28k raise that you're not getting. I hope your GF realises what a catch you are .

Rather than "smashing her back doors in", perhaps you could smash your bollocks together, in between a couple of bricks?

HTH. Love, a girl

Not sure I'll be coming back ladies

Shocking news. Ladies is still not ok.
No real need to add that word to that sentence

And it may come as a surprise to you , but some men do post on MN.

The OP isn't saying he uses the (quite frankly appalling) expression "smash her back doors in" - he's using that to explain why he can't get support and advice off his mates. The phrase does sound violent and coercive, doesn't it? I'm guessing none of them mean it that way but haven't thought it through.

Tarpy - not sure whether 'ladies' is worse than 'girls' but never assume all MNers are women, or mums. Best of luck to you and don't forget the choices are not just the pill and condoms, there are other options.

You seem a decent bloke to me and I am pleased you spoke to your GF.

FWIW an ex of mine used to go on about coming in me and how he liked it so I don't think you are too unusual.

My DP likens having sex with a condom as 'coming with your finger over the hose'

As for the comment about entrusting her after 6 months... Well ive known her for 2.5 years but i get what you are saying. If I didn't entrust her and she was THAT kind of girl she wouldn't be my gf. She is more motivated about her career etc ATM than I am, so yes. I do trust her!

And as I have repeatedly said. I have used condoms with every single person except my last long term partner, for the reasons stated. I have a great job, am actually a good bloke and have the chance to make a great life and ive never wanted to ruin thst over a silly mistake. I've just been stupid a couple of times recently.

Please. Berate me all you want but please read the entire thread. I only came on here for some honest advice. Which tbf I got, hence why I stuck around despite the sometimes unjustified abuse (enjoying ejaculating in my gf is down to porn.. Eh? Forcing her to have sex without a condom drunk. What? I never said that. Forcing her to go on the pill... I'm not forcing her to do anything and never would. Was merely asking if the convo was unreasonable to have) But it seemed some just feel the need to have a pop at me for being a young-ish man.

Thanks to the vast majority who haven't.

OP ignore the nasty comments. There's always some who twist what you say. You seem a decent bloke from what you have posted on here. Don't let the vipers scare you away!

Did she lap up the idea that you'd be prepared to have a baby now (after going out for 6 whole months ), and the idea that you'll be together and likely have a baby in 4 or 5 years, at which point you have this great life together (after going out for 6 whole months ), in the context of a discussion about you wanting her to make alternative contraception arrangements so you can ejaculate in her?

How did she take you bringing up turning down an extra £28K a year to live near her (after going out for 6 whole months ) in the context of a discussion about you wanting her to make alternative contraception arrangements so you can ejaculate in her?

You Nice Guy, you.

it just feels 'right' with me for some reason

Totally proof that you're a Nice Guy. What a romantic milestone to have reached. She knows you're the one because she likes the sensation of you jizzing inside her. Totally. You're meant to be. After going out for 6 whole months.

Not read the whole thread but I get what he means about coming inside her being psychologically better... DH and I both agree on this should probably get a coil though as now pregnant with fourth baby

I think you're being just a little hard on the guy. He has come here asking for advice after all.
And like BeautifulLiar I also prefer the feeling of absolute closeness and commitment from DP's internal release. Before I met him I'd never had sex without a condom, and now without them it's definitely more fulfilling.

Seriously eh?

I never said I wanted a baby now!!! Because 6 months in it would be stupid. But it's not like we are both kids and its not like 2 teenagers who wpuldnct have a hope in hell. But she wouldn't want to abort and tbh i would never ask her too. I doubt we would work out if we did but I earn more than enough money and am mature enough to cope with that situation to arise. But can I make it clear that is a making the best of what would be a bad scenario together...

And excuse me. What is wrong with 2 mid 20s people having a serious conversation about what we would like from the future this early in. If we both had completely different ideas it would probably be best to move on now. I just said, in a few years I'm buying a house. If you want to save up too so IF we are still together we can buy together as opposed to it being just MY house. And then agreed that we need a few years to crack on at work, by then IF we are together we will be 30 so wouldn't be a bad time to think about kids. Don't see that as a silly convo to have. It might not work out with us, but if it does at least we are on the same page.

The reason I won't be sticking around is there seems to be a necessity to paint me as an arsehole for being a young man. Because obviously all young men are pricks. God i have admitted i have been a knob in the past, and have grown up and learnt from it. (To those that haven't thank you)

SmilasSenseofSnow. I have no idea what your problem is. Are you married? If you are would you have left your partner after 6 months? Truth be told I have a very good feeling about this one, and from my knobbish younger days I know that is a rare thing; never had it before with any of my ex's so maybe it something not worth wasting for short term financial gain.

I'm off now. There seems to be an underlying element of patronizing and nasty people on here. I think I've been polite but a lot of you must have met some absolute wankers to just assume I am like that.

And no. I explained I was going for the job before I met her but would be in 2 minds whether to take it anyway. Just happened I got it and she asked me how it went this morning. Christ! 6 months ago I'd have never thought I'd be like this ffs.

I'm sorry OP, you have been getting a bit of a raw deal. FWIW I think you've been polite and considerate and I'm glad communication is good and things are going well for you both. I'm surprised that you've been getting this reception on Relationships, it's not AIBU, people!

For all those who've been raising eyebrows about "smash her back doors in", this isn't a reference to rape - it's a reference to anal sex, by the way. I think some of you have been altogether too traumatised by the "smashing" part to see the "back doors" part and realise where this potential advice would fit into the OP. And it is exactly the sort of thing young men do say to each other.

A nice calming cup of needed all round, I reckon.

Also (if the username wasn't hint enough) I am female.

And I'm on Team Coming-Inside-Is-Way-Better. [pompoms]

Keith Lemon goes on about smashing back doors in a lot.

Maybe she is just keen to avoid the cold wet puddle - who can blame her

I don't get your reasoning for not wanting to use condoms. Perhaps you might conisder having a conversation about this with her?

My DH is fairly large. I'd have no idea if he came inside me or not. If she says she can feel it, pretty sure she's lying.