Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

Just going to say the truth which is something along the lines of 'I'm only going to ask this once and I promise I'll never mention it again. It's not a massive deal for me and tbh I don't mind using condoms at all. I don't want you to mess your hormones up again, but are there any other options? I just want us to be safe, because if you were to get pregnant its not like we are kids and it would be a hugely difficult decision on what we did'

Thanks for some of the advice. Apologies I offended some and agree my op could have been a little clearer. But some ppl seemed rather quick to jump to the conclusion I'm a knob. Understandable, I'm a bloke :)

First of all, there's no need to suffer six weeks of worry after unprotected sex, in a similar situation there is the morning after pill, which you can get at the chemist. It can make some women feel a bit nauseous but you only take it for a very short time and it might be better than worrying for weeks. It's an option, anyway.

For ongoing contraception your options are barrier methods like condoms or femidoms, implants, which are hormonal, or an IUD (coil or similar). You and your girlfriend need to discuss it, and could also seek advice from a GP or a clinic. I hope you find something that will suit you both.

Can I just make it clear too. I don't mind condoms! I've never had a problem using them and in my single days made fucking sure I did. So I really don't mind them at all. I just had to be honest that, with her at least, the time I didn't did feel 'nice'. And not from a physical point of view.

Fair cop OP. You took on board the ear bashing and actually listened to what people here were saying...your motives are quite selfish.

However, I think the way you've chosen to go about it ('are there any other options') is far better than ever telling her that a large part of your motivation is where you blow your load...that would have implied that she'd be depriving you if she decided there wasn't an option she was comfortable with.

Just be a grown up about it. I refuse to believe that your age is a huge factor here (I'm only a year older than you) so you do realise how bad it sounds that your reason is to do with just how psychologically satisfied you are when you blow your load.

I don't think your view is unreasonable. I was also prone to getting drunk and just thinking oh fuck it but ironically then once we started trying for a baby it proved much harder than I previously thought. I don't like condoms because you have to be prepared, they spoil the moment and have to be 'dealt with' afterwards and they smell weird. That said, I am now too old to go back on the pill, terrified of gaining weight with the injection and not mad keen on the idea of a coil as I had one once as a temporary thing 20 years ago and it was hideous.And the sad thing is that DH and I don't have a sex life because of it. I just don't trust myself not to throw caution to the wind and I really don't want more children (I have 3). So, no I don't think YABU to want to look at other options but you do need to talk to your gf about it and see what she thinks. My best option is sending DH for the snip but clearly that's not an option for you. Just talk to her and see what she says.

I have had a baby but by c section and having a coil fitted was fucking horrible. It was a copper one and I suffered really bad pelvic pain as soon as it was put in. I have now switched to a mute a which works for me and is still not without side effects, but to be honest I wouldn't wish a coil fitting on anyone who hasn't already given birth vaginally. It was fucking harrowing.

EKL. Can I just say I thought that before hand... I make no apologies for wanting to 'blow my load' (i don't know why it feels nice. But it does. Human nature possibly) but was making it clear that primarily I want us to be safe and don't want her to do anything that will make her feel like shit. I never have and really don't mind if I have to use condoms for another x years. I have been regularly for the last 3 and a half and truth be told I really don't mind.

I just needed some female opinions. Let's face it, we admit don't understand you and the you don't completely understand us. So that's why asking the opposite sex seemed like a sensible thing.

A load of lads would just think I'm being 100% reasonable or encouraged me to just 'smash her back doors in', which isn't really going to help. And it seems some on here just assumed that because I may have enjoyed having sex with my girlfriend without a condom that that was my primary motive and therefore I'm 100% unreasonable. It seemed some thought that I would put the only girl i've ever seriously thought id might like to spend the rest of my life with (early days. but she is so different to anyone else I've met. And meeting girls has never been a problem) just so i can make a mess in her for my own pleasure is selfish and was NEVER what I was saying.

Most on here thankfully realize there is a middle ground and hopefully I will find it.

Good luck with the conversation, tarpy. You sound like a good 'un to me. :)

Completely get what you're saying tarpy, but as a warning for any future posts, you must be very careful here with your wording here. It will get scrutinised. But people will also be very truthful with you, however blunt and sometimes rude they are.

Contraception is one of those topics that men (frequently, not as a rule) are quite selfish about. Men aren't the ones who'd have to experience a pregnancy but are also not the ones whose contraceptive options can have serious effects on their health and wellbeing (outside of latex allergies, I concede). It's a really sensitive topic for women because a huge number of us have had negative side effects far beyond not quite getting as much satisfaction as possible.

Have a chat with her...there are options outside of the pill that she may actually want to try herself.

OOI, what actually do you think the difference would be about not having a condom - you still come inside her when you wear one! Without TMI about your specific history, do you feel the same about coming on the outside of her/a woman's body without a condom? What do you think a condom is stopping you having (other than a) a baby b) disease)?

I just needed some female opinions. Let's face it, we admit don't understand you and the you don't completely understand us. So that's why asking the opposite sex seemed like a sensible thing.

You're just asking for more of an ear-bashing, aren't you?

You needed to hear women's opinions on it because it's women that take women's contraceptive options and suffer the side effects, etc. It's got nothing to do with 'you' not understanding 'us' or 'us' not understanding 'you'. It's you not understanding all the aspects of what is specifically an issue that women deal with. Don't confuse that with Venus and Mars bullshit.

I got pregnant whilst using the pill properly and having a stomach upset for 5 days afterward having sex when the pill didn't work.

You can't anticipate these things and if you are not in a position to want a family then stick to condoms.

It's easier to understand a woman (we're not a homogeneous group so no "you" or "us" required) if you talk to her. Literally "I've been thinking about XYZ... what do you think?" and then, as if by magic, you will know what your girlfriend thinks. Then keep talking until you reach a decision that suits you both, while remembering that she gets the final say on what goes in her body in every regard (that includes you cock with/without condoms and any form of contraception).

There are various options for contraption and they don't suit every woman all of the time. Some women are fine with one type of pill and not with another. I'm not sure the coil is the solution either. It's quite invasive, particularly for women who have not had children and can cause periods to become heavier and more painful. There are other options I would explore first if this were me, such as a different pill (although I have finally come to the conclusion that the pill is not for me for various reasons) or short term but low dose hormonal contraception.

It is possible to get contraceptives like a hormone dispensing ring that is inserted vaginally or hormone patches which have the advantage they can be removed easily and instantly if they don't suit. More medium term solutions like implants, coils or an IUS (Google Mirena) cannot be removed so easily and can be painful to insert or remove and cause other symptoms like bleeding, loss of libido, cramps etc.

May I also suggest you curb the booze if you are not able to manage safe sex after a few drinks? It could save you a whole load of trouble later.

You definitely need to have a chat with your girlfriend about this. Some women (myself included) don't seem to get on with any form of contraception.

I can't use all kinds of condom - some make me pretty sore. Not sexy.
I tried the combined pill once, about 11 years ago. I was only on it a month & came off it pretty quick, as I started getting a really severe kind of migraine that mimics having a stroke and is absolutely excruciating. I still get them, 10 or 15 per month if I don't take my medication.
I just didn't get on with the mini pill. Moody bitch from hell.
Arm implant - several months of bleeding, weight gain, moody. This was actually about the best one for me. It left me infertile for 3 years after though, despite what the doctors claim.
Mirena coil (the one with hormones) - moody, killed my sex drive, weight gain, hair loss, depression, spots. I could go on. I begged them to take it out after 15 months (it's usually in for 3-5 years.)
Copper coil - killer heavy periods, awful aching joints, to the point where I couldn't walk properly. I was so fed up of it & of the GP telling me to wait & see if each different option would settle down, that I pulled it out myself.

I've had at least 2 pregnancies that went away due to different contraceptive failures, lucky for me they were early but it's pretty grim to go through.

Don't assume your girlfriend will be ok on contraceptives - some women just aren't. And don't assume that if you get contraception "sorted" that you're safe. I'm related to a number of people who are the wonderful result of contraceptive failure.

Ultimately, it needs to be her choice. It's your girlfriend who is taking the risk with her health, with almost any contraceptive method, and it's her who has to sort it, go through the unpleasant process of having something fitted, or have to take a pill every day.
If you want to feel closer to her, I do actually get that. You need to make sure she's very clear that any change in your contraceptive arrangements is on her terms & at her speed.

You're mid-20s. Can't you go to the clinic as a couple and talk over the options and what's best for both of you? Especially as hormonal contraception probably isn't an option.

For a woman you supposedly love and respect its amazing how your post is all about you and your wants.

You're canvassing our opinions to pre-emptively gauge if you're going to look bad, for promoting your no doubt porn influenced psychological want to ejaculate into your gf. Throwing in your supposed want to be more than 99% safe, is to temporarily distract us because if being more than 99% was a genuine concern, then doubling up (if used correctly) where both of you take contraceptive responsibility is safer.

Your GF has already tried using the pill (which by the way, she didn't have to tell you about) and it didn't agree with her but you still want her to press on and investigate alternative methods of contraception, that a) don't involve you taking any responsibility and b) prioritises your phycological want over her physical need.

It's 2015 and we have the Internet, why don't you become more informed about contraception generally.

Shame on those posters who suggested that the OP spin the conversation with his gf, by not mentioning his ejaculation fantasy.

Tarpy just remember that of all the posters who are berating you, many will have likely switched to hormonal contraception/stopped using condoms while in a committed relationship.

Just want to say that the cervical cap is a good option, and the diaphragm, and, if your girlfriend has regular periods and you are both very organised and sensible, there are safe times of the month.

I echo everyone by saying talk to your gf, and go to a clinic together or a GP together and find out your options. I personally detest hormonal contraception and really do not get on with it (massive libido issues weight gain the works) but also hate condoms because I dislike feeling that bit separate from my husband. So at present I am stuck using hormonal (the implant) and I bloody hate it. My DH is happy to think about the snip, God Bless him, but I doubt that is a good option for you at this stage of your life!!!!!

Someone up thread mentioned female condoms. I have never tried them, but know that they are a great option for some..... I believe that they feel very close to no condom. Why are they not more popular I wonder?

Well, I hope the thread has been helpful to some extent as clearly wording matters and that's what you came on here to explore I guess. I don't think it's an unreasonable thing to talk about, after all, we have all had these conversations and they are not easy.

I have tried the femidom and it might be worth a go for you both surely they must be better by now since this was 25 years ago but I've only tried it once. Just too crackly and visually a bit strange, plus it didn't seem really very different in any positive way from male condoms.

TBH I think you could start the conversation very gently by asking her what made her decide to give the pill a go, what problems she encountered, and about her contraceptive history. That would open up the conversation with the focus on what she feels comfortable with. You might also ask her, if you felt the time was right, if she felt she couldnt' talk to you about it, or if she just felt it was a private choice. Is she more scared than you were about the unprotected sex that you've had?

You're canvassing our opinions to pre-emptively gauge if you're going to look bad, for promoting your no doubt porn influenced psychological want to ejaculate into your gf.

As a woman, I know what the OP means. Well not ejaculating into someone but I didn't like using condoms because I wanted to feel DH ejaculate inside me. I do not watch porn.

Your GF has already tried using the pill (which by the way, she didn't have to tell you about) and it didn't agree with her but you still want her to press on and investigate alternative methods of contraception, that a) don't involve you taking any responsibility and b) prioritises your phycological want over her physical need.

That is all just bullshit really isn't it? He hasn't discussed it with her yet so how is he pressing on about alternative methods of contraception? And what is wrong with him wanting to explore contraception that might suit them both? He doesn't sound like he would push the idea at all. He sounds like a perfectly pleasant man to me.

My ex husband asked me to consider going on some kind of bc so we didn't have to use condoms. Most people eventually stop using condoms in a long term relationship.

If there were more bc options for the OP I am sure he would happily take them. He doesn't seem selfish to me, but he is a man and therefore he is fair game to be treated harshly for asking his gf to consider different forms of contraception, but back in the real world this happens all the time.

OP. All you can do is discuss it with her. It is not wrong to want to discuss it with her at all. You would be wrong if you were pushy about it but I can't see you doing that.

I think tarpy has had a bit of a rough ride on here. FWIW I'm a woman and although we have relied on condoms (+ rhythm method) as contraception between dc, as I no longer want to take hormones nor would it be safe for me, I really don't like them, mainly because I prefer dh to come inside me - and I have never watched porn in my life. Dh is the one who isn't so bothered and would happily use condoms for the decade or two until I hit the menopause. But I have actually asked him to consider a vasectomy (we are done with dc now) largely for this reason.

I Google reliability rates for cap/diaphragm out of curiosity as to why it's not really offered (maybe it is, but I've rarely seen it even mentioned online). It's 92-96% effective. Surely that's pretty good odds if condoms are used at 'danger times'? Not in response to OP, but generally I'm wondering why it's not more popular? It doesn't mess with your hormones and isn't painful, it doesn't have any health risks (to my knowledge). The last time I was offered contraception it wasn't even mentioned - choices given were pill/coil/implant. Diaphragm is the least 'harmful', surely it should be on the list?

Why do people always have to take thread and be really reallyv rude and obtuse about a dilemma, especially whe it is polite and meant in good faith. Have that conversationt together. It is different level of feeling when your partner comes inside you, literally no barriers between you.
When my Dd decided she wanted to go down the same rd at about your age, I sent them off to her gp to discuss pros /cons and of course a full sexual health check for both as nothing else prevents sti like a condom.
Well done for asking, sorry there are some very infantile people on here who want /need to be rude because you are a bloke please just ignore and glean the bits that are helpful. Start with discussing how your gf feels and go from there.