Asking GF to go on contraception, am I being a ****

[tarpy]

Hi all, never thought I'd be on Mumsnet but hey ho. Need some advice, and unfortunately my guys mates are useless, my girl mates are a bit too close to my gf and obviously couldn't ask someone like my Mum.

Basically, I have been seeing my girlfriend since April. We are both 26 and she is absolutely lovely. Tbh I've been a bit of a commitment phobe for the last few years since a long-term relationship (living together etc, so pretty serious) turned sour. Basically thought I'd be happier on my own... Until I met her. She's almost exactly the same about me too.

We are both switched on and sensible people with good jobs and targets. Already had the conversation that we would both like to go a bit further with our careers, buy a house together in a couple of years then spend a year or 2 enjoying eachother's company in our own place before anybody "else" comes along.

We use condoms as protection at the moment... Well most of the time. We have both come in before (only when we have both had too much to drink) and had unprotected sex. She asked me too both times, and 100% not to "babytrap" me because it's then 6 weeks of worry and regret for the pair of us. But to be honest, that is only one of the reasons I don't want to use condoms anymore. Noo it's not (just) because "it feels better" etc etc (don't want to sound like me when I was 19 and a prick!) but it's because I do actually want to come in my girlfriend. I don't know why, and it's hard to explain, but there is some sort of psychological satisfaction that I get from that with someone you love. I'm used to condoms from 3 years of being "single", and don't mind wearing them; but as silly as it sounds I don't get the same feeling I do when I finish without one.

Do you girls think I'm being unreasonable? And what is the best way to approach her to ask it. I accept it is her body and it is her choice, and I'll never ask her again once she makes her decision. But I guess I don't want to sound like a kid who just doesn't want to use a condom because he cba. I want us to be 100% safe until the day we are ready; and I from an emotional point of view want to be able to come in my gf.

Cheers.
Tarpy

It's not the physical feeling of semen, it's an emotional feeling. If you don't get it, that's fine.

Goodnight, does he not tell you he's about to, or can you not tell? I always get a really tingly feeling when DH does it

Op I've just read this entire post. FWIW I think you've also been given a bit of a hard time here, and although maybe you could have done a little better with the wording at times, tbh I think you've actually tried your best to seek some genuine opinions and help so that you could talk to her properly about it - nothing wrong with that to me.

Good to see you spoke her and actually you both seem to be on the same page.

Over the years I've experimented a lot with different forms of contraception before finding one that suited me, which was the coil. The pill made me go "mad bitch" too, hence changing around and I'm pleased to say that since having the coil for the last 3 years its been great. But everyone is different and its probably worth a conversation with her GP on what might be best to try, given her previous experience.

Best of luck to you both. Have a fab weekend!

TBH I don't think it is about you being a youngish man.

It's because you wanted to know if you would be an arse for asking your GF to go on contraception which, really, whatever the reason for it - yes you would.

Most posters on here would be frustrated that you lack the basic respect for a woman's bodily autonomy that you would even ask whether that would make you an arse.

Talking about insecurities together, listening to how she feels and ending up making a decision together is very different to asking her to go on contraception.

There are several other things that don't paint you in a great light for me too; the use of 'girls' and 'ladies' the speaking to her boss and booking time off without her knowledge which is just really disrespectful and controlling (sure you and her may feel this is very romantic), you telling her about turning down the contract as though you had done it for her but not involving her in the decision is also controlling and disrespectful, talking about her being different to other women is also not great, nor is the whole gender segregation thing you seem to have going on in your mind where you have decided women will be polite and men will be pigs if you ask for advice...

The very worst thing is the comment about her not being THAT kind of woman (who would make a babytrap). No-one can trap you with a baby. If you choose not to use contraception yourself then you should be aware that there is a risk of pregnancy.

a lot of you must have met some absolute wankers

Oh yes I think that is a fair assessment.

""smash her back doors in", this isn't a reference to rape - it's a reference to anal sex, by the way. I think some of you have been altogether too traumatised by the "smashing" part to see the "back doors" part"

No. It is a reference to anal rape. You might be reading it as jokey and ignoring the "smash" but that verb makes it obvious it is a reference to a violent act. The fact that it can be bandied around as a bit of a laugh and a jokey reference makes it pretty clear that we're so enmired in rape culture that we don't even notice it. If in doubt, check the way it was thrown around when Caroline Criado-Perez was being threatened on Twitter.

Sorry Offered.

I hope nobody ever surprises you that you are taking them away somewhere hot and sandy for 4 days. Obviously my gf was fuming at that when I told her this morning. Her mum, who was in on it, also agreed I was an absolute dick for doing that.

'Smash her back doors in' was a reference to my friends suggesting that anal would solve our problem. Sorry. Young lads say silly things (lads... I dont get offendedyou dont call me man... Ffs some people look to get offended). But we don't all have a violent agenda whereby we look to demean women at every opportunity.

Some of you really must understand how men's brains work? Have you been a man? Why can't you embrace that maybe we are wired up a little differently and sometimes fall on different sizes of the fence!

Sorry. Most of you have been lovely. But that post making out that me arranging a surprise holiday was disrespectful fucked me off. Find better men.

Sorry. I genuinely meant well but anything I do will be bad..

So you are a sexist with sexist mates after all! Suspected as much!

I hope no-one ever does take it upon themselves to use up my annual leave at a time of their choosing for a holiday of their choosing and expect me to be grateful no! Especially not a BF of 6 months! How deeply, deeply presumptuous! I'm a person not a pet or a child thanks...

I'm sure your GF liked it and her mum was impressed. Many women as well as men still believe these sexist gestures of ownership are romantic. It makes no difference.

You said it wasn't your sexists mates who would give you such appalling answers, you said it was some other made up forum.

You are coming across as though you are very much still a knob TBH.

And no, it is not because you are a man. It is because you are sexist.

Yes. I'm sexist. Obviously...

Fwiw I bought the 2 days annual leave. Or am I now a poster boy for gender wage inequality because if that.

Sorry. Just wanted to surprise my gf with a nice holiday. Hope she never does that for me...

Actually, and if you really think about it, what you did about the weekend is very controlling.
Particularly asking her boss on her behalf for the holiday. You are lucky she is not angry at you.
It sounds like a great romantic thing to do, but it really isn't. It's taking away her choices about when to have her holidays and where to go. Hopefully she is happy with that, but being over 40 and having lived a little, it's something that would worry me.

"Some of you really must understand how men's brains work? Have you been a man? Why can't you embrace that maybe we are wired up a little differently and sometimes fall on different sizes of the fence!"

Well there are several points there about biological differences, the relationship between biology and culture, the relationship between science and society and the influence they have on each other, the way "oh it's my biology" has been used historically to excuse all sorts of frankly weird shit. Several points which can take a very long time to explain, and frankly I don't have that much time.

We're all human. That's a better starting point than deciding that you're wired differently and that therefore no-one female will be able to understand you. It's a pretty poor and rather bleak outlook. Instead, why not have a think about why some people find some of what you've said offensive.

You've got the whole of the internet at your fingertips. Instead of it getting your back up, or having a go at people for being offended, work out why. Find out why grown women often dislike being called girls (or just watch Made in Dagenham, it makes it pretty clear). Read Criado-Perez's accounts of what happened to her to work out why some of the language that is routinely bandied around by some people causes offence with good reason. If you don't have a violent agenda, try finding some expressions which reflect that, because language is a very powerful tool.

And I have no idea what "fall on different sizes of the fence" means but it sounds painful.

If in a few years I decide to propose I might prefer warn her. That surprise would be shit. Shed be stuck with a sexist pig like me forever...

Thanks to all who were great on here.

Well yes, or how about actually making such a life changing decision together?!

Yes, you are sexist if you believe marriage is about you deciding to propose...

At least try not to book the wedding without her agreeing to it first.

Bit late to the party but...

If hormone-based contraception adversely affected your girlfriend before, it probably will again. It's possible a different brand of pill might be better.

If you [before I get flamed, 'you' in this sentence is plural, denoting both the OP and his girlfriend] want a non-hormonal, non-condom method of contraception, you and your girlfriend just need to visit your GP and talk it over. Coils & diaphragms are options too.

Enjoy your holiday.

If she is also conditioned by sexism then you may be perfectly happy together. However, many women when they marry and again when they have children realise that the sexism in our society is far from romantic and is actually pretty oppressive. She may change her mind.

I love that you assume she would say yes.

That's the point of a surprise proposal I think. Very very pressuring and difficult to say no.

Also plays into the whole narrative of 'what women want' - marriage and babies...

Yeah, like contraception, marriage is something that couples should discuss together and arrive at a joint decision about.

OP it really doesn't matter what you say or do you will still be damned by a minority of hysterical posters on this thread.

My DH once arranged a surprise trip for me. Obviously that was a controlling, sexist gesture of ownership

We had a brilliant time.

Ignore the Dementors. Lots of good advice from others. Definately discuss with your GF. Agree with Itchy

Lots of harsh replies on here.

You just need to talk to her. It should be a decision you make together what contraception you're going to use long term.
Your local hospital probably has a family planning clinic so make an appointment and both go along to discuss your options. In my experience they're much better than seeing your GP about contraception.

Tarpy you sound like a lovely and thoughtful bloke, and I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

Some posters are determined to paint you in the worst possible light.

As per people resorting to personal insults rather than giving a response outlining why they don't believe surprise proposals, this holiday and asking a woman to take responsibility for contraception are sexist, controlling and disrespectful things...

I usually conclude that no response + personal insult = defensiveness tbh...