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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

215 replies

TheOneDaysRoad · 30/10/2015 20:27

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

OP posts:
Galvanised · 30/10/2015 20:32

If you don't feel like it, then don't. That sort of whiney whingy pressure would put me right off. And upset me, no means no.

Seeyounearertime · 30/10/2015 21:16

That sounds horrible OP.
If you're not in the mood tell him to bog off. Maybe suggest he goes watch some porn or buy him a magazine.
If he's emotionally blackmailing you into doing things you're not comfortable with then thats bang out of order and he needs to stop.

Chocoholicmonster · 30/10/2015 21:57

I agree with the above posters. If you don't feel like you want to do it - don't. The fact that you think if you do something today then tomorrow you'll get a break sounds awful. Nobody in any relationship should feel that way. It might work for you, but in all honesty, just reading that you lay there with your breasts out while he wanks himself off makes me cringe. My DP has a higher sex drive than me - but there's no way I'd do that for him! Get him a monthly sub to a glossy magazine & hopefully he'll leave you alone!

RedMapleLeaf · 30/10/2015 23:25

I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

Christ.

This sounds an absolutely hideous set up. It's not ok.

lexigrey · 30/10/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 30/10/2015 23:35

If it's not sexual then you could do this for anyone.

Of course it is. You don't want to and he pushes you to do it anyway.

Look up the cup of tea analogy. He's disgusting Angry

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2015 23:37

Yuck!
So he's a man? What that means he must have sexual release whenever he wants or he will burst?

DontBeAThoughtlessBirdie · 30/10/2015 23:49

I think it's looking at porn that's got him into this bloody mess! The man clearly can't climax unless he is faced with visual stimulation. My ex was like this and I actually used to feel flattered that he 'needed' my beautiful tits to spaff

OP, there's a time and a place for this method of getting one's rocks off and its usually in closing at the end of a lovemaking session where both parties have enjoyed mutual fulfilment.

Tell him to grow up and expand his mental capacity for visualisation.

Original poster
TheOneDaysRoad · 31/10/2015 00:42

Thank you so much everyone for this advise!

DontBeAThoughtlessBirdie - I haven't ever thought of this but I think your spot on. He is incredibly visual.

I am personally against porn and have advised him not to do it (although I think most guys watch it).

I had a long conversation about this today and he seemed to agree and understand everything. He made a statement about compromising and I quickly corrected him and said no I'm not compromising to do anything I don't want to do. BUT, if and when I'm in the mood I will put effort like lingerie ect that he likes. So about 2 hours after the conversation he says to me do you want to watch me? I was baffled and walked away. (Mind you I had just complained about bad pms cramps) He stated that he's still going to ask but not expect it and so he asked me to send him pictures of me so he could finish in the bathroom. He did so with no anamosity and came out the bathroom and said I'm a sweetheart.

I don't even know if this is a trade off I should be happy with?

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 31/10/2015 00:49

Oneday he is still pressuring you. And he asked you after you told him you have stomach cramps. He is STILL not listening to you.

timelytess · 31/10/2015 00:52

all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break
this is a very strange idea. don't do anything you don't want to do. if you aren't sexually compatible, leave him.
And don't watch him wank unless you want to.
You do realise that if you've sent him pictures, you're risking him sharing them with his friends? And why is wanking in the bathroom a good thing?

Original poster
TheOneDaysRoad · 31/10/2015 01:05

I do realize that, sadly :( and won't be doing it any longer.

I consider his bathroom episodes better then pestering me to watch/help him.

OP posts:
Galvanised · 31/10/2015 06:45

So 2 hours after the conversation you've ended up compromising? No means no, it really is that simple. He can use his imagination, no need to involve you at all. No wonder you're feeling confused. You say no, he claims to acknowledge that, yet somehow you end up feeling like you must have said yes because of what's actually happening.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 06:52

I consider his bathroom episodes better then pestering me to watch/help him.

This doesn't sound any where near a healthy, happy, fun, satisfying sex life. It sounds all about his orgasm and your discomfort. You sound confused and I can understand why.

Where do you go from here?

cansu · 31/10/2015 08:17

Why can't he just do it on his own FGS? This would piss me off massively and having to send him pictures!!

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 08:56

That's the point cansu he obviously can masturbate on his own, but he gets to exert a little bit of control this way. A little kick out of trampling over someone else's boundaries and personal space, a little kick out of using someone's body and discomfort for his own pleasure, a little kick out of playing this power game.

It's not normal to ignore someone else's wishes for your own gain, let alone someone you claim to love.

Oneeyedbloke · 31/10/2015 10:13

I absolutely agree with other posters that no-one should feel pressured to do anything sexual. If you're not comfortable with it, that can't be gainsaid. BUT! Is it so bad that he 'needs' you to arouse him? There are plenty of posts on MN in which women are in despair about having no sex at all, often because their OHs are getting off to porn and can't handle real sex.

OP, how is the real sex? Do you feel properly loved & desired and looked after? Or do you feel that it's all of a piece with his fantasy-led sex drive? Is it lingerie & BJs every time?

I've had the 'mismatched sex drive' thing, and I used to manage it in a similar way. I didn't feel right just wanking all by myself, and certainly not to porn, I'm surprised to see it recommended by posters, porn causes a lot of sexual dysfunction imho. So I asked my DW would she be OK with me wanking while I watched her getting dressed in the morning (when I had a late shift), and she was cool with that, and seemed mildly amused by it, would even occasionally help out! But we saw it as part of our loving relationship, ie she liked it that my sexual needs were focused on her, not some unattainable fantasy in my head, and definitely not on porn.

I also went through a period of wanting sex to always include lingerie etc, but that was something I learned was unreasonable. No-one wants to think their OH is getting off on the clothes/toys/acts rather than the person.

So maybe your sex life simply has too much sex in it, too much getting off - for him - and not enough love?

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 10:20

Is it so bad that he 'needs' you to arouse him?

Yes, because A) an orgasm is not a Need, B) an orgasm does not require a prop and C) it is being met at the expense of the OP's well being.

CheeseToastie123 · 31/10/2015 10:32

I don't think I could tell you when my partner has a wank. I'm assuming he does, I do after all. But if he's taking care of business himself, he just does it. No need for my involvement. Actually, I'm not sure I've ever seen him bring himself off. If it happens when I'm there, I'm helping. For me, that's normal. Any pictures he has, I've chosen to send him. Don't know if he keeps those or not.

ElleAndAitch · 31/10/2015 11:03

RedMaple, too many assumptions there leading you to infer he is being abusive. Behave. We cannot know his mind and that his 'need' for a sight of his wife's breasts is borne out of a misogynistic and abusive trait.

I suspect this man is addicted to porn and has literally lost the capacity to ejaculate without watching a woman. And I suggest that his wife's (understandable) opposition to his watching porn leads him to think that if he asks her to be his wank fodder he is being somewhat noble.

Galvanised · 31/10/2015 11:05

That other posters wish they had more sex with their partners is completely irrelevant here.
It's the type of thing that many women have heard when being pressured to have sex they don't feel in the mood for.
Being giving during sex doesn't mean someone should have sex they are not in the mood for either. It's not a sign of a considerate partner, when coupled with pressure to 'compromise'. I think this attitude is what's contributing to the op feeling confused. It's not helpful.

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 11:08

Elle "Behave"?!! RedMaple is giving her opinion. Which I agree with actually.

category12 · 31/10/2015 11:10

Grim. No wonder your sex drive is lower than his, I'm surprised you have any at all for him.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 11:11

Elle there's no need to try to patronise me. If you disagree with me, make the argument (and not an ad hominem). I think he treats the OP in this unkind, disrespectful way because he gets a kick out of it. Why do you think he does it? Because he "literally" can't Hmm ? That doesn't explain why he still chooses to treat her like this.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 11:12

(Thanks Emma I too was struck by that turn of phrase).