Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

[TheOneDaysRoad]

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

I can't see you getting insulted, unless being told you're wrong is seen by you as insulting, in which case you're both deluded and more narcissistic than I thought.

I love this NN, it describes perfectly how men like you think.

Thank you anotheremma

I don't know why these things have to deteriorate into arguments.

Toffeelatte had it spot on, imo.

Marriage is all about compromise. We all do stuff we don't want to. I don't like hanging up the washing, cooking, cleaning bla bla, but I still do it.

Sex is a really important part of marriage. If libido's are mismatched, inevitably one person is going to initiate sex more than the other one. Both parties lose out at some point. The person with the low libido feels pressured. The person with the high libido feels hurt and rejection. And Yes, gasp, they may sometimes voice that they feel rejected, because they are only human! That does not equate to "Abuse". Both parties are not happy with the status quo.

When you read these threads, it always appears to me (and I could be wrong), that the people saying it's terrible and the OP is being abused, probably have quite a low libido. Maybe the OP simply doesn't fancy her DH any more? And that must be a real annoyance to have him wanting sex if she doesn't. However, the DH is not being sexually satisfied and instead of cheating or using Porn, he's trying to find way around that. That doesn't make him a monster.

I think you've missed the point, ILiveAtTheBeach. He's putting pressure on her to have sex and not taking no for an answer. She eventually has to give in to get some peace. That's coercion and abuse. It's not really to do with mismatched libidos, which I think can be addressed with good communication, maybe even compromise, provided that each person respects the other's boundaries. But I don't think he respects hers in this case.

PS When I say "have sex" I mean it in the broad sense, i.e. be involved in sexual activity, not just PIV sexual intercourse.

I still don't think it's abuse. I wish I knew what the answer was. I fear there isn't one. I don't know how old the OP is. If she's 20's or 30's, there is some hope, as women's libido tends to increase dramatically late 30's and in the 40's. They might match up then.

Yeah, I'm sure she'll be well up for having loads of sex with him after 5-10 more years of him trampling all over her boundaries and bodily autonomy.

I have to agree with oneeyedbloke on this one. Everyone seems to be slating the poor husband just because he has a basic human sexual need.
I understand it must be difficult if you have different sex drives. But isn't a relationship about compromise and making each other feel good. And you're lucky he's coming to you to get that thrill and not elsewhere outside your relationship or on the Internet. He must find you attractive and sexy and isn't that a good thing.

I'm sure you don't feel like washing the pots, hovering up, cooking dinner some days but I'm sure you do. Likewise I'm sure he does things he's not fussed about.
So laying here knowing your turning your husband on....is it that bad really?? I say relax and enjoy it : ) with an open mind and not negative thoughts about him.

Everyone seems to be slating the poor husband just because he has a basic human sexual need. I understand it must be difficult if you have different sex drives.

But this isn't about mismatched sex drives It's about a complete lack of respect and grinding her down until she gives in.

I say relax and enjoy it

I really don't know where to begin with this shit.

I understand it must be difficult if you have different sex drives

Yes it is. The scenario IMO should be a kiss or cuddle and a shownof intent, of not straight out asking. If partner isn't receptive then it end there. If partner shows interest them more kissing and cuddling and see if it develops. If it develops then fine, if it doesn't, that's the end of it.
Trouble is, other peoples reaction to a partner not being interested or saying "no" is begging, pleading, guilt tripping, coercion, "you would if you loved me" or "men have needs you know" etc etc. Wearing down until partner relents and agrees, this is not consent in my eyes.

Now if you can "Relax and enjoy" something you've been emotionally forced, guilt tripped or otherwise convinced to do against your will then fine, I certainly couldn't.

newmummy
"Everyone seems to be slating the poor husband just because he has a basic human sexual need."

Nope, we're not slating him because he has a sex drive. We're slating him because he doesn't take no for an answer, doesn't respect the OP's boundaries, and pressures her to do sexual things she doesn't want to do - in other words, coercion and abuse.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but if people will insist on making the same points that have already been made and argued against, what choice is there?!

Seeyou
"Now if you can "Relax and enjoy" something you've been emotionally forced, guilt tripped or otherwise convinced to do against your will then fine, I certainly couldn't."
Well said. Totally agree.

Oneeyed I can't speak for all women but I would think it's a pretty common thing for a woman to be coerced into sex to 'prove' they aren't a prude. It was rife when I was a teenager and carried on throughout my life and I doubt I'm unique in that, in fact I know I'm not.
Same as having sex after a date 'because it would have been impolite not to'.
Can you see all the variations of coercion that go on for women that somehow get swept under the radar?
Oh and an old favourite of mine, being coerced into sex because if I didn't I was a cock-tease
And....lie there and watch while I wank because I need to get off...

I'm struggling to find any comment when the lady says she's being emotionally forced, guilt tripped or otherwise to do anything.
But it seems she has preconceptions about what her husband is asking from her. Lile hes a dirty old man.
Perhaps they could talk about their mutual needs and likes/dislikes and just try what eaxh other may enjoy, she might also rekindle her own sex life. I am sad for her that she doesn't feel this. Because it is a part of human nature.

Ok, I'm writing this for the sake of the OP who might be reading new's posts and wondering if she's to blame, if she's somehow not normal.

OP you have done what any of us should do - spoken about your feelings and told your DP what you are comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with.
His response, to dismiss your feelings and try to nudge your boundaries this way and that is not ok. He is getting off on this. Somebody who respected you and wanted healthy, consensual sex with you would not be able to masturbate knowing that you weren't enthusiastically consenting but merely buying yourself some time.

newmummy
"I'm struggling to find any comment when the lady says she's being emotionally forced, guilt tripped or otherwise to do anything."
REALLY?! If you'd read the OP's posts carefully, you might have noticed these comments (all direct quotes):
"whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex." (she says no, but instead of accepting it, he argues and insists)
"I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure" (note "have to" - she feels obligated)
"if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break" (the fact that she calls it a "break" implies that his demands are pretty constant)
" I feel compelled to do SOMETHING" (again, sense of obligation)
"I consider his bathroom episodes better then pestering me to watch/help him." ("pestering" = constant/regular demands)

Hope that helps

With respect in this situation the one wanting sex is damned whatever he does.

If he totally backs off completely no sexual contact at all essentially they are completely sacrificing their needs for the other. If abuse is to totally impose your own needs on another without any consideration of their needs and feelings, how is this not also abuse?

Of course if he insists on his needs and feelings being met in any way shape or form, he is being inherently disrespectful

Personally I don't think throwing the term abuse is helpful in this case. But there is no way to resolve the issue mutually respectfully and stay together. Someone has to give in or you recognise incompatibility and separate.

Toffee the OP isn't telling him that he must never masturbate. Hell, she's not even telling him that she doesn't want regular sex with him. So I'm not really sure how your points are relevant.

Problem is any relationship confers obligation. If you don't feel obliged to ensure the person you are with's needs and feelings are respected you shouldn't be in a relationship with that person.

If you are sexually incompatible the problem won't go away and will be constant. Because one person doesn't start wanting sex and the other person doesn't stop wanting sex.

Abuse is saying I will have sex with you regardless. The ops other half isn't saying this exactly he's trying to get his needs met within the rules of his relationship. I doubt he is over happy with the result any more than the op is. If I was the one wanting sex in a relationship I would be hugely pissed off by being told to have a wank. Having a wank is not the same as making love with someone you love. I'm always at people thinking this is a solution.

It will be a war of attrition, until someone gives in. Or you do the respectful thing and separate

I think there are a few ladies on this chat that really don't like sex. It reads that way, anyway. newmummy you've been slated here for having an opinion of your own that doesn't match all the "abuse" posters. But I agree with you actually. Also toffee talks a lot of sense. The OP's DH sexual desires are not being met. Once a week is a bit shit really. He probably is being a bit of a pest, but he's not cheating, he's not using porn...I just think it's so easy to slate the guy. Anyway, what is wrong with this thread, is that if you don't agree with certain posters they just come back and scream at you and tell you that you are WRONG. We are all entitled to an opinion, ladies.

Once a week in the same bed as someone you love and are massively attracted too would nowhere near be enough for me (barring illness etc)

Absolute torture. Like having the most massive gorgeous ice cream in front of you but being told you can only eat it once a week. The rest of the time the value vanilla is good enough to keep you going.

If I was the one wanting sex in a relationship I would be hugely pissed off by being told to have a wank. Having a wank is not the same as making love with someone you love.

How is having sex on someone who doesn't really want you to be doing that ever 'making love'?

I think there are a few ladies on this chat that really don't like sex.

Once a week is a bit shit really. He probably is being a bit of a pest, but he's not cheating, he's not using porn...I just think it's so easy to slate the guy.

We are all entitled to an opinion, ladies.

Absolute torture. Like having the most massive gorgeous ice cream in front of you but being told you can only eat it once a week. The rest of the time the value vanilla is good enough to keep you going.

Roll up, roll up, it's internalised misogyny Sunday!

It's not.

Hence me saying the ops partner must also be totally dissatisfied.