Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

[TheOneDaysRoad]

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

For me and my daughter, I have shared with her what I have learnt from my own life experience and the experiences of other women that have shared with me. My view is your body, feelings, whatever are not of secondary importance to that of your sexual partner. Be that a man or a woman.

A completely separate issue to fulfilling each other's desires in a consensual act.

With the odd exception, Most men I have had relationships with would be turned off by an unwilling partner. I wouldn't tolerate one like the OPs under any circumstances. Plenty of good lovers out there.

X post Galvanised. I'm out.

What more is there to "muse" about?

Someone could muse that actually it's OP's fault because she doesn't know her own wishes and actually her poor, abusive DP is just very confused. And it's All Her Fault.

"My view is your body, feelings, whatever are not of secondary importance to that of your sexual partner"

Nor are your sexual partners secondary to yours.

So what is your solution to that conundrum, toffee ?

Mutual respect compatibility and communication.

Probably the same as yours

Hear hear

And if one partner is not showing that by his/her behaviour ?

You end the relationship

But I have said that as often as you have on this thread.

But as you know if it is abuse it rarely happens in a vacuum there will be other areas of abuse and their will be reasons why the reasons why someone puts up with it.

You can harp on about it being abuse or you can start to look at whether the ops needs are being met generally. What are the ties. Start getting the op to think about her needs and wants.

Unless you look at all the reasons why the Op is putting up with something that is making her unhappy... how are you doing anything other than substituting one from of control and abuse for another?

It's easy on the outside to say ltb. It's harder to say you need to take back the control and work out what you want

And that's assuming you are right and it isn't just incompatibility

Aargh. Just read two pages of this. One eye. Your name says enough.
How do single men survive??
Ffs. I can't stand sexual demands either op.

I am not telling op what she should do

I am naming her husband's behaviour. You seem to have some difficulty with that.

I don't understand the big problem with the "abuse" word. It's a scary word, yes, because it's a scary thing. But being scared of using the word doesn't make it go away. It makes it hard to recognise and address the problem.

Toffee please do not put words into my mouth...

I could name what a good relationship looks like.

Doesn't engage with why an individual would settle with anything less. Or How the individual experiences a good relationship. Or how my needs in a good relationship might be different from yours.

It's just naming how I see a behaviour. I may be right, I may be wrong.

And nothing to see here...

I have been musing on things. I sympathise with the OP.