Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

[TheOneDaysRoad]

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

He probably is being a bit of a pest, but he's not cheating, he's not using porn. I set my bar a bit higher for the men I have sex with.

I think there are a few ladies on this chat that really don't like sex. Yeah, if you only like sex with people who consent you must secretly not really like sex.

Like having the most massive gorgeous ice cream in front of you but being told you can only eat it once a week. Yep, woman, ice cream... what's the difference, eh?

Erm....I'm a woman, so of course I don't hate women! Toffee that comment about the ice cream is brilliant. Exactly how I feel about my DH. I fancy the pants off him and once a week would be torture for me also - sadly it's sometimes longer due to shift work etc and yes it's rotten. And I totally agree If I was the one wanting sex in a relationship I would be hugely pissed off by being told to have a wank I think I'd slap him in the face if he said that to me.

Hence me saying the ops partner must also be totally dissatisfied and when he's writing a thread on here asking for advice, we can support him. At the moment however we're supporting a woman asking whether she should put her own sexual desires and boundaries aside for someone else's.

Wow! Enjoying sex more than once a week is internalised mysogyny. I never knew

If I was the one wanting sex in a relationship I would be hugely pissed off by being told to have a wank

Nobody's telling him to do that. He's saying, "I want to masturbate. You must provide your body".

The guy is trying to look for a compromise, that doesn't involve cheating/internet/porn. Jeepers. He must already feel pathetic having to stoop so low.

Some people here are clearly on the wind up. I'm out.

I set my bar a bit higher for the men I have sex with.

Personally I'd set the bar higher at someone who actively wants sex with me about the same amount as I do with them. Not expect me to be satisfied with a quick wank

But sadly neither the op nor the ops other half have that kind of compatibility

I feel as if we're banging our heads against a brick wall.

If one partner wants more sex than the other, the best approach would be to discuss it and find a solution that both are happy with - without pressure or pestering on either side. If they can't agree on a solution, they might consider sex therapy. If that doesn't work, and one or both is still unhappy with the sex, they should end the relationship.

In this situation, the OP isn't happy with the "solution", and her partner is pressuring and pestering her. That's very unhealthy. I don't see why it's so hard for some people to see that?

Of course we all have wants and needs in a relationship - but I find it worrying in a discussion like this when sexual "needs" are emphasised. There are lots of ways couples can show each other they are loved and desired without resorting to pressuring someone into doing something they're not comfortable with. If someone has a high sex drive, as long as they do have sex with their partner at a regularity that both are genuinely happy with, I don't see the problem with occasional masturbation and maybe porn use?

Why does someone have to prove they love and desire their partner by providing sex on tap whenever they want it?

I'm genuinely puzzled.

Just one last thing:

Anyone who tries to make out that a sexually coerced (or at least uncomfortable if you can't bear that word) OP, who hasn't posted the thread in over a day, is somehow frigid and letting her DP down, purely as an attempt to rile other posters whose point of view you disagree with (and I suspect you find threatening, but that's neither here nor there), is utter, utter scum.

Hi AnyFucker, so glad you're here! I had been tempted to beg for reinforcements somewhere!

AnyFucker You know nothing about my relationship, so wind your neck in. There are a lot of bullies on here, who step way over the line and tonight it's you. My posts are to the Op and don't need challenging by you or anyone. Because guess what, I am entitled to my opinion. Ops come on here to get all sides. But it deteriorates in to stupid arguing. Because some Posters cannot bear it if anyone has a different opinion to them. I could have said way more than I have done, like it would be impossible for me to be in this scenario, as I fancy my DH too much to turn him down. Not once in 7 years have I done so. There I've said it. I am logging off now, to have a nice night with my family. I'm sure the rest of you will debate this and shout at each other all night. Which in my book ain't healthy.

Off you go then, it's for the best really because your posts will have done zero to help this op.

Beach you were the one that posted that there are a few ladies on this chat who really dont like sex.

So if you dont want ppl surmising about whats going on with you perhaps you should do the same.

How are things now OP?

I like sex more than once a week but not because I fancy the pants of my partner more than anyone fancies their partner. We all have different sex drives.

However there have been times I've compromised when I've not been in the mood by letting him wank over my bum for example. It's a drag and I just want to sleep but I let him to to save argument.

This is a rare occurance though and I don't think I could be doing that weekly!

I think the occasional comprise is okay, and I mean occasional but if it gets to the point that it has reached with you something needs to be done.

I don't know what to suggest really so my comment is pointless but I couldn't read and run. I don't think it's fair to say he is abusive though, unless of course you feel he is. It seems to be a sticky situation that you will both work through and overcome as a team.

Hard to believe that a person could go 7 years in a relationship & not once turn down sex or more to the point, want to not calling BS just saying...

I am struggling to get my head around how it is ever exceptable to take pleasure from an unwilling partner. Thankfully I can't.

I don't get what's hard here? Crossed lines of communication?
Here's a script to help:
Setting: Bedroom, night. Two person shaped lumps are lying in a bed with floral duvet covering both./
Person A: "I'm a bit horny"
Person B: "Not tonight love"
A: "let me loom at you naked whilst I masturbate then"
B: "I'd rather not, I just want to sleep"
A: "Well I'm horny"
B: "So?"
A: "I want you to watch me masturbate"
B: "I don't want to, I'm tired and wnt to go to sleep"
A: "I'm horny though"
B: "For fuck sake. If it will shut you up OK"

Action: duvet moves up and down rapidly.
Sound: many bananas being peeled rapidly
Action: stillness

B: "Better?"
A: "yes thanks"

End.

Yes the above is silly but it shows, coercion, person a ignoring Bs wishes, pestering them into consent.
If you read the above, realise its more or less what happens very often in your relationship, then your relationship is wrong.
There should be a compromise, like maybe putting off till tomorrow, or suggesting a special session on Saturday where both parties can be into it and enjoy it.

Hope this helps.
Lots of love:
Person C. ;)

An astounding thread!
Horrifying to see that there are actually women telling other women that they must sexually perform for their partners when they don't want to or just be grateful their partner fancies them so much and isn't off with other women.
Wtaf?!

Op, for a couple of years, dhs sex drive was much lower than mine (long story!) we did it once a week but I'd have liked more. If he turned me down, We'd kiss and go to sleep. At no time did I demand he assist or show me his cock or finish me off or whatever. What would you think of me if I did?

and Heaven Forbid, he might leave you if you don't put out

Like that is a bad thing.

Acceptable. Really too tired to type. But fucking hell. it is ridiculous to say anyone should put up with this type of shit.

But no one is suggesting that they should be putting up with this kind of shit.

Personally I think trotting out the abuse line is unhelpful.

They are completely sexually incompatible. They have discussed and tried to compromise. Else you wouldn't end up in the ridiculous situation of one party wanking in the bathroom with a picture of another or this whole have wanking on the other person business.

Mastibation is not a substitute for the desire to make love to someone. Personally i think its a bit crap and mechanical especially compared to the intimacy of making love. Which is why they have ended up in increasingly shit situations because they are trying to compromise when it is not possible to do so.

Ultimately there have ended up in a situation that one partner at least, and I very much suspect the other also, is deeply unhappy.

You are not going to get to a happy ending because one person wants sex when the other doesn't. You cannot meet both people's criteria for what they need and want.

Abusive no. Deeply unhealthy and increasingly unhappy yes. For me compromise is not at any cost.

You can come to the conclusion a relationship is unhealthy without trotting out the abuse line.

Once a week in the same bed as someone you love and are massively attracted too would nowhere near be enough for me (barring illness etc)

Absolute torture

Because YOU want sex more than once a week, someone who doesn't is what??

Neglecting their partner?
A prude?

You need to know that you cannot give sound advice to anyone when you think think they don't have sex often enough.

The difference with ice cream is that you don't need its' consent, or anyone else's, to eat it.

(fucking hell, are women & sex REALLY being compared to ice cream now)

I think there are a few ladies on this chat that really don't like sex I love sex..still only going to have it when I want to, in a way I want to..thankfully, dh respects that.

as I fancy my DH too much to turn him down. Not once in 7 years have I done so Good for you. I turn mine down often, not because I don't fancy him, but because I am ill, or I am tired, or I just can't be bothered. My turning him down proves nothing, you not turning your dh down proves nothing. However, it isn't up to us to force our habits onto others to show how they are being 'unreasonable'.

In your quest to prove how perfect your marriage is, you have forgotten (or have not seen) that in all this that the op isn't happy with what her dh is doing

THAT is what matters, not how much you & your dh fancy each other, quite frankly.

However there have been times I've compromised when I've not been in the mood by letting him wank over my bum for example. It's a drag and I just want to sleep but I let him to to save argument ... I think the occasional comprise is okay, and I mean occasional but if it gets to the point that it has reached with you something needs to be done.

This isn't a compromise, he is getting exactly what he wants at your expense. Why is his orgasm more important than your sleep/

The only answer a man should have when his partner doesn't want sex is "ok" not "can I wank on/over your arse/tits/photos of you"

Seriously, who are these animals men who get off on unresponsive, uninterested partners?

When you give in to something to "save an argument" you are NOT in a healthy relationship.