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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

215 replies

TheOneDaysRoad · 30/10/2015 20:27

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/10/2015 22:25

The last post was twelve minutes before mine... Hmm Hmm Hmm

And this is the first time I've heard of it being a faux pas to leave a Relationships thread for an hour and then respond to a post addressed to one personally. I suppose I shall have to sit here 24/7 and feverishly refresh 'threads I'm on' if I want to retain any right to post without being deemed a stirrer? Hmm

Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 22:28

Makes no odds but actually toffeelatte posted at 19.40 then you posted and 20.50 in response to posts made before those times.

But What ever

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 31/10/2015 22:34

Well then I'm sure we'll all remember that an hour is your max tolerance when you're appointed as head of the Relationships Forum Police. Confused

ElleAndAitch · 31/10/2015 22:41
Seeyounearertime · 31/10/2015 22:52

Lmao.

I just find itnodd that you'd have such an issue that you'd bump a thread thats an hour old to reply to a comment that was made much earleir that the thread had moved on from and then continue to labour a point.

But now I'm doing it so fuck it, I'm going to go look at reddit for a bit.

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 22:54

Cmon, people, let's not turn this into a bunfight if it's not too late. We're (mostly) all on the same side, ie the OP's and against Oneeyedbloke.

VenusRising · 31/10/2015 22:55

Stop feeding one eyed snake bloke or whateves ladies, he's getting off on it.

OP I do hope you're ok, and have rung women's aid for a chat at the very least.

There are a lot of women on here who really care about you, and want what's best for you. Please do let us know how things are for you. Change your user name if you want to lose the bellends 'dudes' raised by wimmin.

Please, please be careful of any images your partner has of you. Delete them if you can.

Oneeyedbloke · 31/10/2015 23:39

I'm sorry but I have to laugh. I dared to suggest the OP might want to let her husband have a wank with her watching and that makes me a nasty man who refuses to listen to women. Even though she's SENT HIM PICTURES OF HERSELF so that he can... have a wank over her. And you're all being soo caring & sisterly (except when you're bitching at each other) & sympathising with her about him having her pictures. You're too much.

HelenaDove · 31/10/2015 23:43

No One Eyed i think the problem occured when you tried to erase womens experiences like saying women have never been pressured or coerced into sex to feel they have to somehow prove they are not prudish

NameChange30 · 31/10/2015 23:45

Helena and others, I think we should ignore. Replies just encourage him.

Oneeyedbloke · 31/10/2015 23:59

Oh 'tried to erase women's experience'. Listen to yourself Helena. I said no such thing. I said I thought it was more likely that women did it to avoid conflict. When two women said they'd done it, I said 'I stand corrected' & 'I have learned something'. But that doesn't fit the pigeonhole of nasty man, so you pop other words in my mouth.

Oneeyedbloke · 01/11/2015 00:01

I genuinely hope you sort out your problems, OP.

HelenaDove · 01/11/2015 00:11

Exactly You had to wait until two women told you their experiences Because in your head you think women have to prove it.

ElleAndAitch · 01/11/2015 00:33

Oh Oneeyed, you can't win, fella. FWIW I understood your posts to be largely objective and a non-arsey contribution. You will never beat the unprivileged posters who don't really want you here in the first place and I'm still unsure why blokes register on mumsnet

SparklingJade · 01/11/2015 04:06

A nice cartoon

Between the OP's "D"P and oneeyedbloke (boak) I just realised what a complete fucking star my DH is and went through to give him a cuddle.

What a load of fucking nonsense. The DP is all "be my living wank mag and like it" and oneeyedbloke is all "well don't do anything you don't like but let me wheedle and emotionally blackmail you so you can realise you do "like" it after all".

Though anyone with a nn of oneeyedbloke (boak) obviously only ever thinks of their cock and lives their life led through the nose by it. Boak.

Oneeyedbloke · 01/11/2015 05:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RobotDecoyWoman · 01/11/2015 06:35

Oneeyedbloke That is an interesting and original opinion, please go on.

TheTesticlesOfObjectivity · 01/11/2015 09:05

At least 3 men and many women have the opposite view to you Oneeyed. I wonder who is wrong. Clue: it's you.

Oneeyedbloke · 01/11/2015 10:11

Robot anything original I had to say, I've already said, if you look back on this thread, without ad hominem attacks like the one just two above yours. Your sarcasm might better be directed at those who are incapable of arguing with others' opinions and have to resort to personal attacks. Contemptible - and of no use to the OP who, I notice, has long fled.

Testicles it's not a numbers game. My arguments stand or fall by their merit, not by how many other people agree or disagree with them. It's a debate, not a playground shouting match. Though onlookers could be forgiven for thinking the latter.

RobotDecoyWoman · 01/11/2015 10:49

That's an interesting and original opinion oneyedbloke. Tell me more about your feelings.

NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 10:51

SparklingJade love the cartoon. It's pretty accurate in this case!

differentnameforthis · 01/11/2015 11:31

It's abusive if he wants to and she doesn't - either ever or tonight - and he tries to coerce her/do it anyway. Which is exactly what he does....(coerces her)

I'd say women get coerced into doing things they don't want to do to keep the peace/avoid confrontation, not to prove they're as un-prudish as men. Then you need to educate yourself, because it is pretty much both.

I said I found it easier to believe women allowed themselves to be coerced sexually ALLOWED themselves???? Do you know what coercion is? No woman "allows" themselves to be coerced by a man, and most of the time, she doesn't even KNOW that she is being coerced.

Your male privilege is massive, isn't it???

You can't be together and satisfy both of you if one person wants sex and the other doesn't. You cant be respectful to each others feelings because you both want to do something that will cause unhappiness to the other I disagree. Dh & I manage fine. He often wants it more than I do, but he is happy to go with my "flow" (for want of a better word) because he wouldn't dream of making sex more important that all the other aspects of our marriage. And this isn't about one wanting sex & the other not...op said she is happy with once a week, which can't be described as "one wanting sex & the other not"

But fact is you are deeply unhappy with the compromise I disagree, op is unhappy with what her dh wants as their compromise, which seems to be op doing whatever keeps him happy.

Even though she's SENT HIM PICTURES OF HERSELF so that he can... have a wank over her. And what? This means that no means no, except when you said yes to x or y?

And why did op send him pictures? Oh yes, to stop him fucking badgering her for sex, or anything else. THAT is called coercion. When he goes on and on and on until she caves and does something just to shut him the fuck up.

He doesn't even care that she didn't want to watch, he wanted his jollies in anyway he could get it, at the expense of his wife & her feelings.

Oneeyedbloke · 01/11/2015 12:17

different name
Para 1 - totally agree
Para 2 - already conceded my supposition was wrong
Para 3 - I genuinely don't understand. When you say, later on,
'And why did op send him pictures? Oh yes, to stop him fucking badgering her for sex, or anything else. THAT is called coercion. When he goes on and on and on until she caves and does something just to shut him the fuck up.'
That is what I meant when I said I thought women might give in to coercion to avoid confrontation/keep the peace. I'm not saying, have never said, that that's OK. I have said that it's not.

Para 4 - I genuinely don't understand why you say this. How exactly does my 'male privilege' have any effect here? From my POV, I'm getting a very personal verbal kicking from some angry women, after making a suggestion they didn't agree with. I'd be happy to carry on this debate if I could be sure it was just the ideas & opinions that were getting kicked around. Instead, I'm getting abused. See this cartoon? That's you, that is! But it's not. I havent saud any of that, or taken any of those angry stances. It's who you'd rather I was so you can feel justified in joining in a bit of enjoyable man-baiting plus wtf are you doing on OUR forum anyway? Defending yourself against insults? Tsk, typical man.

RobotDecoyWoman · 01/11/2015 14:01

That's an original and interesting opinion oneeyedbloke, please go on with your enlightening thoughts.

NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 14:02

Robot You're awesome Smile

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