Sexual compatibility.... Is assisted/oral considered Sex?

[TheOneDaysRoad]

I'm really seeking some advise here.

Me and DH are on different wave lengths when it comes to our sex life. He has a high libido and mine is way lower, always has been. I'm good with sex once a week. (Mind you he's an amazing giver constantly wants to please me, I don't think there's been a time when I haven't gotten off) Although he's okay with once a week he also expects the assisted masturbation (i.e. Having to fork my assets out for him to look at while he finishes) are sex related to me but whenever I simply say no I don't want to he phrases it as well you don't have to do anything were not having sex.

So I'm confused if I just suck it up those times when we're not having sex but I have to lend my body for his viewing pleasure? I do want to please him and see him satisfied and about half of the time say yes to these advances.

But I can't see it healthy when all the time I have to be thinking when's the last time he got off because if I helped him today then tomorrow I will get a break. But if I haven't seen him for a few days (work related) and see him, I feel compelled to do SOMETHING. I know he's a man and has wants so I'm completely lost.

"Mastibation is not a substitute for the desire to make love to someone. Personally i think its a bit crap and mechanical especially compared to the intimacy of making love."

I don't think the OP's partner wants to "make love", I think he just wants an orgasm, hence being happy to masturbate with her "help". Making love is part of a relationship, there is give and take, and it can only happen if both partners want to. Sexual needs are separate, in a way, and if one partner has a higher sexual drive they can get what they "need" (ie masturbate) without imposing on their partner.

If there was a complete lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship, I could understand the partner feeling unsatisfied, but the OP said that they do have sexual intercourse once a week. It may not be enough for everyone but it is regular sex and it shows that the OP is "making love" to him.

If you have to coerce, manipulate and/or nag someone to have sex with you, it's not "making love" is it?!

They are completely sexually incompatible. Yes, they probably are. But when you are sexually incompatible (dh & I are present) then the one wanting sex needs to NOT pester/manipulate/sulk until they have the other's unwilling consent to wank over them/their picture.

Dh wouldn't get any enjoyment out of wanking over/on me while I lay/sit there totally disinterested & unresponsive, wishing for sleep/peace/tp be able to get on with my day/whatever. In fact, he would find it a huge turn OFF, because if I am not enjoying it, neither is he.

Do those of you advocating that women compromise when they don't want to not see how controlling it is of the man to keep pestering & coercing until he gets a YES in any form?

He doesn't care how she does it, he just expects her to be his wank fodder. A no is not acceptable by any means. He must force to her to carry out his will regardless of her own personal circumstances.

Because in all truthfulness, if he just wants to wank over an arse, he could do that using a fucking mirror, or a porn mag, or a porn video. But that doesn't allow him to exert his control over his partner, does it.

Oh and why is it up to the woman to compromise?

Perhaps her dh could try that every now & then & say "you don't want sex...ok, no worries"

The word compromise always gets trotted out on sex threads, as if we are under some obligation to keep "our men" & their "needs" happy.

I was low libido on my wife for a few different reasons over the years. The worst of those was when I stopped finding her desirable. I had to work hard to overcome that, very hard. Performing oral sex, pretending to enjoy it, while trying to fight off feeling resentment of the act or risk starting to resent her instead of just her sex drive... god awful hard.

ehhh.....tmi.....isnt this private stuff.....i would be horrified if my husband was on 'dadsnet' discussing our sex life with all and sundry and asking for reviews of my performance in bed.....and then getting slagged off....just wrong imo!

DadWasHere do you have a point that's relevant to the OP?

Potatoface "isn't this private stuff" well, it's a discussion forum on the topic of sex - if you don't want to discuss sex, don't read the threads. And I haven't seen anyone "asking for reviews"!! People post on here asking for ADVICE about how to deal with their PROBLEMS. Not that we should have to point that out - it's pretty obvious.

Are you suggesting the op asked for reviews?

Or are you saying she should just lie down, think of England, and let him come over her whenever he likes?

It's hard to know what's offended you, potato.

I think dad was here was empathising with the op, Emma.

It's really nice that no one is allowing their view of the validity of the opinion of the male posters to be coloured by the dislike of their gender.

Oh, no. Wait...

If this is feminism in action, then bollocks to it.

Helmet
"I think dad here was empathising with the op, Emma."
Was he? It read to me like he was just talking about himself. He didn't give any advice to the OP. He didn't even say something like "I sympathise" or "I understand how you feel". It annoys me when people do that (whether they're male or female, before anyone accuses me of being sexist).

he just wants to wank over an arse, he could do that using a fucking mirror, or a porn mag, or a porn video

No he couldn't and respect the ops expressed feelings

I am personally against porn and have advised him not to do it

Oh can't do Porn, so I'll wank over reluctant wife's arse.

Brilliant.

Would some posters advise their own daughters 'a man has needs, that even if you are not up for, you just put up and shut up'. You are peddling a hugely damaging message.
I told my own daughter 'do not ever do anything you do not want to do, especially if told, you would if, you loved me'. If he loved you he would not ask.

With respect she has said she is happy with this when she is in the mood.

Which is a stupid idea because it does nothing for her. There has been conversations on this. But always from the point of view that compromise is possible or advisable.

It isn't. From any perspective other than ensuring the relationship continues. It will only lead to resentment and unpleasantness.

I would teach my DD that she has needs and that both her and her future sexual partners needs matter equally.

You will not be satisfied or be able to satisfy a partner whose sexual desires are incompatible with your own.

In an ideal world Toffee. But this thread and many others show, in this world it is mainly men applying the pressure.
A young pre sex girl. I kept it simple to keep her safe.

Hmmm... I think in this day and age there are many different pressures in many different directions.

People (male and female) put up with an unsatisfactory sex life for many different reasons. Financial ties, children, brilliant relationship in all other respects. All these factors can lead us to accept an unsatisfactory compromise sexually. And can put on every bit as much pressure as a man.

By framing the question as bad man/men applying pressure, it misses all the other factors.

Something is keeping the OP together with her other half. However well or badly the other half is behaving.

It isn't always abuse and Stockholm syndrome.

It isn't always abuse and Stockholm syndrome.

If not abuse, why would someone coerce another in to a sex act they didn't want to do? Who are these people who can gain sexually satisfaction knowing that their partner isn't fully and enthusiastically consenting?

Actually i think the biggest pressure on women's sexuality is society's view of what a woman should and shouldn't like.

By teaching that men are the ones most likely to be pressuring you into something you are uncomfortable with you are already pressing both genders into stereotypically sexual roles. That men are all oversexed and women are more likely not to want to want as much as men.

Like above with the ice cream analogy the assumption is that it is the male who would want the ice cream and the female the ice cream. Bollocks to that. Because the female can't want the ice cream as much as the male? or find it every bit as soul destroying not being able eat the ice cream regardless

I'd rather side step all those assumptions. And have the op or a daughter look at what she genuinely wants and whether what she has measures up.

Because if it is abuse, abuse is about loss of power and loss of your ability to value or even recognise your own needs. If you have no idea what you want the idea of consent becomes meaningless.

Equally if as a sexually partner you have no idea what you do or dont want. The idea of consent becomes equally invalid because you are consenting to stuff you aren't comfortable with. Which leaves a very confused sexual partner who frankly can only guarentee being in the right by never touching you again.

Yes pestering is unacceptable. But there are so many other issues in the Op as well

The idea that men and women need absolutely equal sexual desires for a relationship to work is really odd.

Most people understand that over a long term relationship there will be times where one desires more sex than the other. Pregnancy, illness, stress, aging, etc, all may have an impact.

But the OP's situation isn't about sexual desire. This has to do with a partner who won't accept no for an answer.

How very strange that posters are supporting him.

I'm not.

But I'm taking a different run at it than yours. Don't think anyone would advise the relationship continues.

The above was more general musing in response to a question asked.

Apologies for the hijack

These kinds of threads often get hijacked by "musings"

It all adds to the minimisation. This bloke is coercing his partner into sex acts that she does not want.

What more is there to "muse" about ?

Bloody well said AF.

The op obviously won't be back, I don't blame her as it's turned into a bit of a bunfight. Perhaps it's better to let the thread come to an end now rather than continuing to speculate on how she does or doesn't feel about the situation.
There's always the sex or feminism boards to start up a discussion for those that are (still) interested.