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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 31/10/2015 08:44

Well I can help with one thing - I don't think that you need to send him money to buy water any more. Spanish tap water is completely safe. It tastes different to British tap water and has a different mineral content (so it may make your stomach go a bit dodgy for a day or so) but it is completely safe.

People drink bottled water on holiday because you don't want to waste a precious day of your precious holiday feeling a little under par but if you are going to Spain for any length of time then the tap water is fine.

highlighta · 31/10/2015 08:53

Yes I agree with Mum. I worked in Spain for quite a few years and we drank tap water.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 08:54

Ah but this man's body is a temple, let's not forget that.

FrancesNiadova · 31/10/2015 09:01

OP, the 1 thing that you do have on your side at the moment is time.
You don't have to make a decision about staying emotionally together or not at the moment, whilst he's inside, all that is on hold.
Set yourself an experiment; don't send any more money. Continue with other practical support, but not money.
Do this for 6 weeks, (not long in the scheme of things).
Does he still, love you without your money, especially if you've still been supporting him with other things?
Then you'll have your answer.
Give it a try.

Ponytailandquiff · 31/10/2015 09:48

I would have thought it was relatively easy to dump a drug-using cheating scrounger if they are locked up in another country for suspected attempted murder. Why don't you try it?

You were ready to 'throw in the towel' in 2013 and you're enduring more shit but still hanging on in there?

amarmai · 31/10/2015 10:25

op i feel so sorry for your cc . They have no choice in all of this. YOU are the mother who chooses to subject your cc to abuse and neglect from this man when he was present in their lives and still now when he is not. I read your job is working with offenders? Did you get trained in the dangers of being sucked in by these men? But i guess it's the old story-YOU are different ; He is different; what about your cc - are they different? They don't need a parent who puts them first? who keeps them safe from dangerous people? who loves them more than herself and a druggie? Maybe he got you hooked on more than his dick? drugs too maybe? You like the dangerous excitement of living with this criminal? BUT it's not good for your cc. If this is the life you want to live ,do you think you also have the right to subject your cc to it? I hope somebody at your work figures out what you are doing and takes action.

RedMapleLeaf · 31/10/2015 11:06

I understand your need for 'closure' OP. But you're looking for it in the wrong place. The only place you have to look is to yourself. You decide, "that's enough" and you move on. It's so difficult yet so simple, so far yet so near.

Limer · 31/10/2015 11:46

The money for drinking water is really for drugs, that's obvious.

CuteAsaF0x · 31/10/2015 11:50

This is a nightmare. It reminds me of how when I left my abusive x, I wasn't totally free for another 18 months because of his power to make me feel guilty, to make me feel like I owed it to him to stay with him.

You don't owe this guy anything. please write him a short letter saying that you're not happy and it's not working.

He won't accept it with a shrug, so take measures to protect yourself. Return mail, change your number.

CuteAsaF0x · 31/10/2015 11:51

What Frances suggests is a great idea. Perhaps then his reaction will give you the 'permission' you feel you don't have now to just walk away. You should do it now, but if you won't..... do what frances says first.

AlwaysHope1 · 31/10/2015 12:03

Stop with the drama, you have all the choice with this. He can't even be a danger to you. You are choosing to involve yourself in this. How is this fair on your dc. Your other threads were bad enough before you even found out about the recent events. Your children will remember this , and you will regret it one day if you insist on chasing this man. Do you think of them at all in this situation?

amarmai · 31/10/2015 12:31

close your cheque book and keep it closed. You'll get 'closure' then alright when he figures out no more $$ from you . What kind of 'closure' do you think the rest of the world gets from our tragedies and fuck ups. Grow up op. Set some kind of belated good example to your ccs. and quit looking on mn for someone as self deluded as yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2015 13:55

enters, I agree 100% with what devilish says. Does that mean that I 'hate men', too? Gosh better tell my lovely DH of almost 30 years and my two wonderful grown sons that I 'hate' them!

No, it's just that she and I hate bad, worthless men!

emotionsecho · 31/10/2015 14:04

What exactly do you mean by 'closure'? How do visualise achieving this 'closure'?

If by 'closure' you mean you want an explanation from him as to why he cheated on you, why he lied to you, why he colluded with his ex wife to use you, why he took drugs, etc., what are you going to do/how are you going to feel if he says "because I wanted to and it was so easy to take advantage of you because you are so weak and pliable and I enjoyed laughing at you behind your back"?

Do you honestly think he is not going to justify his previous behaviour by laying the blame for it at your door?

Be careful what you wish for OP.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/10/2015 14:19

I think by closure op means he comes out and says - you know all the times I dumped dc on you? I'm sorry
You know that most of our relationship I've been cheating on you?
You know about all the drugs? I'm sorry.
You know you've been bailing me out for years- I really appreciate you now- marry me, darling!
And they'll all live happily ever after, eh op.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/10/2015 15:36

The layers of deception are pretty amazing

That's sadly obvious - and yes, I agree with the PP who said this "drinking water money" will almost certainly be for drugs

entersandmum I'll ask again - are perhaps you influenced by living among folk to whom this sort of thing is commonplace?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 17:39

What you have to ask yourself is why you feel honour bound to be loyal and to support someone who has not only fucked you over and treated you with a massive lack or respect, but who is also, in all probability a dodgy criminal with violent tendencies. It's possible that it's all a huge misundertanding and he was just there to look at the scenery when he accidentally stumbled across an attempted murder in progress and accidentally got arrested for it, but he's still a cheating, lying druggie, so….

You say you wouldn't abandon your worst enemy in circumstances like this, but actually I think you would.

What exactly is it you want help with again? I'm still not sure.

amarmai · 31/10/2015 17:59

apparently it's ok to abandon your cc tho- as they may be taken from you if someone reports what you are involved in to ass

amarmai · 31/10/2015 18:00

sorry ss

goodnightdarthvader1 · 31/10/2015 18:23

This thread is painful.

FrancesNiadova · 31/10/2015 18:24

Entersandmum I hope that you're OK today.
Please think about what I said earlier. You want to disentangle yourself, but your heart is still hooked in.
Like with an onion, unpeel a layer at a time.
Start with the money, give it 6 weeks, then re-assess.
Then consider his letters, what he says on the phone.
Is he still as loving?
Are you feeling a little hurt by his responses?
Are his communications about you and the DCs or about money for him?
Re-assess your feelings. Give it another 4-6 weeks. Give yourself just once or twice a week to communicate with or think about him.
How are his communications now?
Is he concerned about your/the DCs welfare?
How are your DC? Do they seem happier/brighter/more confident?
Do they mention/miss him?
How about you?
Are you feeling more confident/brighter?
Do you look forward to or dread your weekly communication with him?

Because at the end of the day, Enters, only you can answer these questions. Only you can decide if you want to take a step back.
It's not admitting failure to step back. You have to safeguard your own health & wellbeing too. You can't always save everyone. He is an adult & he is responsible for the adult choices he has made.
I understand that you can't just turn off your feelings like flicking a light switch. But do use this time to pull back and decide what You really want.

laughingatweather · 01/11/2015 16:22

I've come back a little late to your response to me but it shows you're another one who doesn't understand what empathy means.

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else's position and imagine how it feels. It doesn't mean you get in their life with them.

What you're doing isn't empathic. You've got involved with an offender with full knowledge of who he Is and what he does and oh, what a great partner you are waiting for him and weeping for what he's going through.

But you lack empathy. You're not understanding what he's going through because if you were, you wouldn't be acting like this. You'd understand that what he's going through now means he isn't being honest and is desperate for someone to cling on to.

This is all about you ....about how you love him needing you, you know who he is and how unreliable he is. He's hurt you and you're now loving how much he needs you. How in control you feel. Your other thread was about his letters admitting he cheated on you and was an addict through your first years and now he's being honest and needs you to understand and stay by him. And on your other thread you said it makes you love him more.

It fulfills all of your fantasises - him being devoted to you, unable to cheat on you right now and promising you the earth.

If you can't see that the worst possible situation he could be in is making him be the person you want him to be then no-one here or anywhere else can help you.

Go ahead. Put your life on hold and throw money at him. Enjoy.

FixItUpChappie · 01/11/2015 17:25

countless posters, llike Offred and Leavingtheweather, have taken the time to give you solid advice and sound rationale.....you just don't want to hear it. Your being obtuse to the point of ridiculousness.

You've invested so much that you don't want to see just how far out of reasonable you've stepped.

This is about you, not him. You don't need this man for closure - you need to stand in the uncomfortable of your own choices, take some personal responsibility and demand more of yourself.

FixItUpChappie · 01/11/2015 17:26

that would be laughingatweather*

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