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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner in prison

224 replies

entersandmum · 29/10/2015 13:34

Hi. There are so many layers to this its like an onion.

My partner is currently being held in a foreign prison without charge.

We have been together 3.5 yrs.

I have found out, since his incarnation, he has cheated on me for the first 2 years we were together. Nothing after that.

I'm finding it really hard to stay positive, knowing this. He has admitted it but I don't want to cloud our 5 mins phone calls with this.

He says I am the strongest person he knows but I'm actually dying inside.

It's such a ridiculous situation but is anyone else going through the same?

OP posts:
Offred · 29/10/2015 20:51

Seriously, you'd get more happiness and satisfaction from smashing yourself in the face with a brick repeatedly for a year.

Olddear · 29/10/2015 20:55

He's clinging on to you because everyone else has washed their hands of him. You're all there is.

Helmetbymidnight · 29/10/2015 20:57

Op likes that though. Confused

Offred · 29/10/2015 20:58

And you are the mug that has put up with him lying, cheating, disrespecting and exploiting you for years, who is still talking to him and who intends to be there for him when he gets out. Why wouldn't he be trying to keep hold of you?! There are very few women who would put up with all of that and still be coming back for more.

ImperialBlether · 29/10/2015 21:03

And the OP didn't answer the question about how much money she'd spent. Her poor kids - even when he's not there they're losing out.

AlwaysHope1 · 29/10/2015 21:15

So you have kids of your own and want to bring this criminal back into their lives, you need to be reported ffs!

He sounds like he has done some truly awful things but you are too deluded to see past that. Your poor kids.

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 21:20

You work with ex-offenders, OP? Has he at any time been one of your clients, or is he known to any of them?

Regardless, what were you thinking of letting this man into your life and the lives of your dc?

amarmai · 29/10/2015 21:27

it seems there are cc involved in this. OP your duty is to the cc you made . They come first and this man will have to live with the results of the choices he made. You did not make his choices , means you do not have to live with the results and most important, the cc you are responsible for must be protected and separated from what he has chosen to do. Now you have to work very hard for you and your cc to survive and thrive. You will not have energy, mind space, money , time or any resources left over for this man unless you steal them from your cc. You sound like a decent person who is being used and fooled and controlled by a bad person. He does not need YOU- he will find another person to use and fool and control. Your cc need YOU and have no one else to help them. Who will you choose to help-him or your cc? I am praying for your cc.

Wirralmumof2 · 29/10/2015 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight2007 · 29/10/2015 21:42

I have clicked through a couple of your previous posts...

It sounds like you should actually stop living in the moment if he returns any time see where you are..You have been pretty miserable with this guy..

Time to focus on your own 2 children and give yourselves a little happiness.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 29/10/2015 21:55

OP you will never get closure on the cheating. He cheated because he wanted to and because he could. And you stayed with him, so every time he cheated thereafter, he knew you would stay with him. The only closure you can have is when you stop caring about why he cheated, and move on. From him.

You need to step back from this car crash relationship and stop pandering to a cheating, lying, drug taking criminal who is accused of murder.

Devilishpyjamas · 29/10/2015 22:20

You realise you could lose your children if you shack up with this waste of space? Surely that's all the closure you need?

You're not in love with him, you're in love with some fantasy of what he might be (in your imagination as to be fair to him it doesn't sound as if he's tried to hide who he is).

goddessofsmallthings · 29/10/2015 22:21

We don't know if this man has any previous convictions which would warrant him being called a 'criminal' Starky and he's accused of attempted murder.

crazyhead · 29/10/2015 22:38

By 'going through the same' do you mean someone also with a partner in prison? Or someone with a partner in prison overseas without charge? Or someone who has been cheated on but still loves their partner?

What's the outlook for him getting released? OK, you don't know but when did this happen and have you got any indication at all if/when he'll get out?

What's quite hard as the reader of your dilemma is get to the nub of what you need - support while you get through this time because you are committed until death do us part to this guy, discussion of whether to stay with him...

Making a snap judgment, I get why you'd want to remain supportive and be a friend to someone in this situation, but it if does look like this is going to be an ordeal lasting years, I'd really look if I wanted to be in a relationship with him during that time.

It would be asking you to give up so much of your life, and I suppose it doesn't feel as though he's put in what he deserves to merit that level of loyalty and sacrifice. He isn't your loyal husband of a decade - and that's quite aside from whatever he's done or not done to be in jail.

But maybe the picture is very different to that and he'll be out soon and you'll be able to consider the relationship at that point?

crazyhead · 29/10/2015 22:40

sorry btw - only read first page, so some of my questions pointless!

StarkyTheDirewolf · 29/10/2015 22:44

Sorry goddess I'll recind the criminal element from my post. Was going off my very probably incorrect memory of OPs last thread which was deleted.

Still, lying, cheating, drug taking man who is accused of attempted murder. Each one on its own is surely reason enough to leave him.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2015 00:25

I don't think that criminal is the wrong word. A criminal is defined in the Oxford online dictionary as 'a person who has committed a crime'. Committed a crime, not convicted of a crime. OP's partner certainly has committed crimes based on OP's own statements. At the very least he's an habitual drug abuser. That's a crime.

Original poster
entersandmum · 30/10/2015 00:53

Just so we are really clear. I didn't discover DP was cheating until after he was in prison. Nor did I find out about the drug taking until he confessed to me and I checked his bank statements.

Yes I work with offenders, and yes they know my current situation.

As for my children, my youngest misses him terribly. To say I am a bad mother punches below the belt and stems from your own imagination.

I do not know if we will still have a relationship when he gets out. At the moment I am still supporting him. For all the nosey beaks out there it has cost £2000 so far in private solicitors. This doesn't include the money he gets sent every week to buy drinking water.

So, would you still like to continue to have a go. Or would you actually like to support me in the shit storm my life has become?

PS. Yes I would have dropped his sorry ass if I found this out whilst he was here.

I can tell from his phone calls / letters that he has changed. I also think 3 mths of drugs would make a massive difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
entersandmum · 30/10/2015 00:56

Off drugs.

OP posts:
StarkyTheDirewolf · 30/10/2015 01:22

Op, I'm honestly sorry that you are going through this, its a horrendous situation. I can't empathise because I've never had a partner go to prison. I can offer solace with the cheating and drug use because I do have an exp who was a habitual cheater and drug user. He was emotionally and physically abusive. The only way of escaping the hell that was my life was to disengage from him and get therapy because my mental health was in pieces when I did, eventually find the strength to leave. (It took 2.5 years for this to happen.)

But leaving and completely disengaging was the only way for me to protect myself. He protested ferverently and went so far as to harm himself, I went back to "nurse" him (he would change, he'd be better, if I didn't make him so angry he wouldn't hurt me, if I was better he wouldn't cheat on me etc) nothing changed, it was another 6 months before I finally left for good.

You have no control over him, his choices, his actions or the consequences of those actions. Whilst you make yourself responsible for him and his happiness, you are doing it at the obvious detriment to yourself (I'm not talking about financially, I'm talking about how this is negatively affecting your life.)

He has proved himself to be untrustworthy and unfaithful, just because you didn't find out about this until after he was incarcerated doesn't change the situation that he still chose to do things which would hurt you. I understand you feel unable to step away whilst he is in his current situation.

But ask yourself, if he was released tomorrow, once you got over the euphoria, would you be happy? He cheated on you, lied to you and used drugs. What if he isn't released for another year, two years, five years, ten years? What if he is sentenced to 25 years in a foreign? Are you prepared to waste your life waiting for a man who has been unfaithful to you? Who hurts you? Surely you deserve better than someone who makes you so unhappy.

Original poster
entersandmum · 30/10/2015 03:25

starky I ask myself that question every day.

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 30/10/2015 03:35

Thats hard op. I'd probably continue to support him because of what he's going through, but I'd step back a little as well from him emotionally, and look at moving on with your own life too.

Dragonsdaughter · 30/10/2015 03:36

And what does your brain say ?

Everstrong · 30/10/2015 03:52

Sorry you are in this situation OP, I can't imagine how messed up your head is at this moment.

I haven't seen your previous threads but I think the prison thing is a red herring. Guys like him will always make drama to keep you in your place- if he wasn't in prison it would be "oh but I am suicidal" or "oh but the drugs make me do things"

You need to ask yourself a few questions. One being "what do I get out of this relationship?" Because at the moment all you seem to be getting is battered self esteem and a lot of legal costs. Is that the life you want for yourself?

Also, what would you say to your grown up daughter in this situation? Remember you are modelling what will become her view of relationships, do you want to send the message to her that being cheated on and taking advantage is okay?

I understand you don't want to abandon someone in their time of need but you can be supportive without being in a relationship with this guy. You can listen to him, write to him but withdraw the financial support. My gut feeling is that when you do that he will disappear off anyway. What are his family doing to help? Does he have parents/siblings?

Original poster
entersandmum · 30/10/2015 03:58

It's so funny my brain would keep him away

OP posts:
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